t0ri Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Although I have accepted it, I am still so shocked about my breakup and how my ex acted afterward. I'll never get what happened. I had been starting to heal tremendously, but had a setback tonight. I found out he's been texting this girl all day & all night, and they call each other. That sounds incredibly petty and juvenile, but that means that I've been replaced because he and I used to text all day and night. So they're obviously interested in each other and I hoped the girl was ugly, but she's really pretty. Ugh. I'm pretty sure they hang out, but don't know for sure. I shouldn't care, but it reaaaally stings to know I've been replaced, at least to some extent. It hurts to know he's interested in someone else and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I keep hearing, "it happens all the time," and I know I should get over it, but that's difficult. I guess I shouldn't feel so bad because I'm starting to have interest in other guys. Not to date, just yet, but to get to know them. I've met so many new people since my ex and I broke up, it's cool. I have been thinking less about my ex, and what happened with us, and who he's dating, etc., but the thoughts are still there. I still think about him every day. And I seriously cannot believe what happened, nor do I understand it. Long story shorter for those of you who don't know: My ex and I (both 21) dated for 2 years, 3 months. He abruptly told me he wanted to go on a "break" in late February, then changed that to a "breakup" by changing his myspace and facebook relationship status' (and deleting every picture and mention of me) until I made him say it to my face. Then I went NC for three weeks, during which he'd send drunk mean texts telling me how happy he was without me. Eventually I caved and we talked about our relationship and what went wrong, and we agreed to be back to a "break," take things slow, work on our problems, and get back together eventually. He told me he was still in love with me and couldn't live without me, and wouldn't mind if I got pregnant (bizarre). This lasted for a month until I got mad at him one night, which resulted in a fight, all because he wanted me to leave his apartment because his friend invited 2 girls over. So the next day he texts me telling me "I can't handle this anymore, we're done. That's that. Bye." Then I run into him later that day at school and he blows me off when I try to talk to him, but basically says he doesn't want a relationship right now. Fast forward 3 or 4 weeks later of strict NC from both of our sides, and I drunkedly, and very stupidly, showed up at his apartment. He didn't answer the door, but text me the next day saying to never do that again and I asked if he wanted me out of his life forever, to which he replied, "Yes." He also found it necessary to put as his myspace status, "__ can't wait to move so I don't have stupid drunk people knocking at my door." That HAD to have been to purposely hurt me!!!! I wrote him a goodbye note, just to give myself some type of closure. He deleted it and I doubt he read it, but who knows. It's been a few weeks since then, and I'm definitely never going to show up there again or contact him at all, EVER. Lesson learned when I broke NC, especially in that way. I see things a lot more clearly now, regarding my feelings and such. I can't believe I acted so stupid and desperate a few instances. I don't understand why he acts like he HATES me, when HE is the one who dumped ME. That was really stupid of me to show up at his house drunk, I know, you all bashed me here for doing that. But before and after that, I've left him completely alone. Never have text him or called AT ALL. And I've been really nice and respectful to him since he dumped me, but he's been so mean. To make his point clear to me? Sure. But he's definitely done some unnecessary hurtful things to me since the breakup. I'll never understand why he came back after dumping me just to toy around with me, when he sincerely acted like it was a mistake to dump me in the first place. He told me that. He seemed genuine in wanting to get back together eventually. He probably just used me for sex. I hate him. I believed him. He even told his friends he was not going to talk to them about he and I's relationship anymore because one friend in particular caused problems between my ex and I our whole relationship (because the friend liked me before my ex did, and he was always resentful that my ex was the one that got me...or so I hear). That was a big deal for him to stop talking to his friends about us, because the 1 friend influenced him very much. Coincidentally, that same friend became single around the same time my ex dumped me. Hm. But now I'm wondering if he just didn't want his friends to know he and I were reconciling after the original breakup? Whatev. Is it true a lot of people in relationships see the "two year mark" as the point to decide whether it's worth continuing the relationship? My ex and I had our 2 year anniv., then Valentine's day where he bought me a card saying I was "the one," then he dumped me 1 week later. Maybe because he's about to turn 22 and I was his first love and everything else, he wants to explore other options. I dunno. I don't know what I'm looking for to post here Just feels good to get my thoughts out I guess. I cannot wait for this healing process to be over. It's getting easier, but will never be any less confusing.
kizik Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hi there, you'll be fine in time, and it's good that you're writing on here. This may sound strange, but I am glad you are getting angry and even saying things like "I hate him" - anger is an important healing process. Some people on LS were talking about the necessity of anger towards an ex to heal, and that's what your post reminds me of. Anyway, do yourself one huge favor - don't allow any of your friends to talk to you about him or what he is doing. Don't seek out information on him. Just put blinders on. You need to know as little about him as possible, because you should be focusing on your own recovery and not his dating or rebounding. Good luck.
TheBigCow Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 tOri it feels good to get things out.. but its also nice to have people read your problems and really understand what you mean and what you are feeling. I think this is especially true at our age (I'm also 21) since a lot of our friends have never been through anything similar and so they can easily say "yeah you'll get over it" or "these things happen". It sounds stupid, but I too am utterly confused by my break up (I was left for another guy), it came out of the blue at a time where I was honestly never more sure about us (we'd been together 5.5 years). I literally spent a few hours today sitting in a corner completely stuck in confusion. I think accepting that you will always be confused is a big step, so I'm glad you got there.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hey. Your story truly is horrible. Its almost enough to break my heart to read it. I think the first time your ex left you, he got back together with you just to clarify/prove to himself that he truly DID want to end it, and then he could get over you WHILST being with you. Its kind of like...being desensitised to a phobia....and holding a spider whilst you're still afraid of it - if that makes any sense at all. It can be easier to remain in a relationship whilst gradually mentally, emotionally and physically distancing yourself from your partner, rather than to just leave them altogether. That way the dumper has to deal with those feelings of pain and loss as well and of course, then they will probably question themselves and return. But retreating by gradations means they develop a kind of certainty or justification for the breakup, and then by the time the relationship is over, and we are left feeling despair, they are almost relieved, though of course they will at times think of us and miss certain things about us - that doesn't mean they are feeling the way we are, which is why its so easy for us to misinterpret their messages. 'I miss you' - yes they probably do; as a friend, someone to talk to, pass time with. But we read it, and think, God they miss me, I miss them too! They want me back! Thats why the words alone are not enough. I always think its actually easier if someone screws you over but this may be just me. If someone breaks up with you all nicely and sweetly, you feeling devestated and you think 'god they were so nice about it'. The first time my ex broke up with he did it so nicely, that the pain was much harder on me. The second time he did it in a cowardly and cruel way, and the pain was much more tolerable because I felt resentment about how he'd treated me. Of course a bad breakup rather than a kind breakup can leave you with more 'issues' perhaps, but I actually prefer my bad breakup to my kind breakup with my ex, because the anger rather than the melancholy has been the stronger feeling, so use that anger and that 'hate' to think 'how DARE you'. You sure as hell deserve a lot more than this jerk. As long as you BELIEVE you deserve better, the anger will get you through. As Kizik said, anger is a very important phase.
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