Chibaby Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 This is so stupid, but I need some perspective. I am 28, and married. I love my husband, but the passion in our relationship is DEAD. I am still attracted to him, but HIS work/life etc. seems to get in the way of our sex life which is down to MAYBE once/twice a month. He seems fine with it, and hates it when I pressure him because he's always "tired". I need more. Problem is, it only happens when I initiate it, but you know, it's always me giving not receiving if you catch my drift. I mean, the sex is good, but it's not like he puts any effort into making my experience good, it's all up to me. We've talked about this many times, things change for like a day and then it's back to high and dry. I have put on 5-10 pounds since we met, and I weigh 125 and am 5'4", so it's not like I've got that youthful glow anymore, but I'm not a cow! I don't think there's anything going on on the side with him, although there have been MANY affairs at his work, as he works in sports with a lot of 18-26 year olds, so who really ever knows? Maybe I'm an idiot, but ignorance is bliss. Thus being said, my mind is drifiting to a cute guy I knew 10 years ago. This is so stupid, but I keep thinking of him, and "google stalking" him so to speak. We are not and never were really good friends, but I enjoy our mutual friends keeping me in the loop on what he's up to. I find myself thinking/obsessing over him constantly, and wanting to contact him, which I know is out of line, and far fetched, and big trouble. I would probably never do it, but part of me wants to, although I am grounded in the fact that reality is we are both in relationships, living in different worlds, and it will never happen in this lifetime. Should I act, just out of curiosity to see what this guy is up to these days? I'm sure he knows I have a crush on him, and I'm not sure what he thinks. I don't want to start anything, I just want information to fuel my fantasy I guess. I KNOW NOTHING will EVER HAPPEN with him unless there's some DIVINE INTERVENTION. I mean, DOES ANYONE ELSE EVER THINK OF THE WHAT IF'S? I know 90% will say "I need counseling" and am f'd up, and I am. But hell, any Advice?
Lyssa Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I KNOW NOTHING will EVER HAPPEN with him unless there's some DIVINE INTERVENTION. I mean, DOES ANYONE ELSE EVER THINK OF THE WHAT IF'S? I know 90% will say "I need counseling" and am f'd up, and I am. But hell, any Advice? It is when you think that nothing will ever happen that something will happen.
complicatedlife Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It is when you think that nothing will ever happen that something will happen. That is so true.
Author Chibaby Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 It is when you think that nothing will ever happen that something will happen. Yeah, but we live in different states, and are both in relationships, and I really have no desire to f' things up with my husband. Not even sure he knows I exist, or cares....I guess if I knew what he really thought it might change my mind, but I'm not so sure I want to take that risk. God I am an idiot, or only human....but I really want to know what this guy thinks of me...if he ever does. I know it's so stupid because I know I don't exist to him...or my husband.
Lyssa Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Yeah, but we live in different states, and are both in relationships, and I really have no desire to f' things up with my husband. Not even sure he knows I exist, or cares....I guess if I knew what he really thought it might change my mind, but I'm not so sure I want to take that risk. God I am an idiot, or only human....but I really want to know what this guy thinks of me...if he ever does. I know it's so stupid because I know I don't exist to him...or my husband. If you do not want to eff things up with your H then it is best if you do not contact your crush. Or ask yourself this - what would you do if he told you he has been thinking of you all this while and was hoping you'd say something? What would you do then?
Author Chibaby Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Or ask yourself this - what would you do if he told you he has been thinking of you all this while and was hoping you'd say something? What would you do then? Hmmm...I'd probably be happy and want to see him, not that that would mean anything, I mean, maybe the chemistry isn't there. But it would be so far fetched in this lifetime for this stupid crush to ever feel the same way, I mean, it would be a miracle/curse. OK, so don't act on it, but then, how to approach the problem with my husband? Our relationship is not working....except on a platonic level....
Gamine Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Maybe you are lioness who wants to remind herself that she can still roar.
Author Chibaby Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 So......what do do. About the husband and the crush? Forget about both?
jwi71 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Since you have discussed many times in the past with no movement on his part would you consider going to some MC together? Or maybe the two of you seeing a sex therapist? Because YOU are an A(ffair) waiting to happen if you don't ACT now...
GreenX Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You want to talk with your crush and see what happens? You stated: We are not and never were really good friends, but I enjoy our mutual friends keeping me in the loop on what he's up to. I find myself thinking/obsessing over him constantly, and wanting to contact him, which I know is out of line, and far fetched, and big trouble.By reading the above I would assume you two never really mingled much, if at all? He was more 'in the picture' because of friends. You're willing to sacrifice your marriage to talk to some guy you thought was cute when you were 18, of which, you didn't talk to back then. If your marriage is only hurting in the bedroom, go to a counselor. You can see sex therapists, it may help. Your husband works a lot, he could honestly be tired (he works in sports, right?) Are you working too? Is your job physically demanding as well? ETA: would probably never do it, but part of me wants to, although I am grounded in the fact that reality is we are both in relationships, living in different worlds, and it will never happen in this lifetime. Knowing he is in a relationship right now should also make your choice easier, don't mess with him. He could be happy with his partner and you may mess up a good thing that they have going. Basically, if you're miserable in your relationship now, don't begin to tarnish another persons relationship because you don't have the one you want. Fix what you have or divorce and seek someone who isn't attached. JMO.
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Have you discussed this entire situation with your H? Have you CLEARLY, POINT BLANK discussed what's "wrong" in your marriage with your H, in a non-confrontational way that still gets the message across to him just how important all of this is to you? Have you considered INSISTING on marriage counseling with your H to get these issues out in the open and resolved? End contact with your "old crush". Close that door before the horse gets out...and work on shoring up the stable by fixing what's wrong at home, rather than engage in fantasies with an old flame.
Author Chibaby Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Why is conseling always the answer? We've been there done that with a few different counselers, and it's always the same...."What do you think?"... Guess it was stuipd of me to ask like I said.
GreenX Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Why is conseling always the answer? We've been there done that with a few different counselers, and it's always the same...."What do you think?"... Guess it was stuipd of me to ask like I said. If counseling wasn't effective then no one would do it. Chibaby, if your sex life in your marriage was where you wish it to be, would you even be thinking about contacting this guy? I'm gonna take a guess and say "no!" Well, if you have openly spoken with your husband and let him know extensively how much this bothers you and he still fails to understand then by seeing a counselor they can intervene and let him know "hey, this is a REAL issue" - if he STILL fails to realize and understand then you can at least say that "I tried, nothing is going to change" then seek a way out. Not a way 'around' it. It's understandable to be upset and feel like you're talking to a wall when he doesn't listen. Maybe as Owl pointed out, he doesn't really know how much this bothers you and you'd be surprised how much a person can learn about themselves and their partner through therapy. It 'can' work if you let it. People who go in and withhold information/emotions, etc. are the ones who make counseling pointless.
Habeas Corpse Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It is when you think that nothing will ever happen that something will happen. Evidence??
jwi71 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You know Chibaby...if you have communicated your desire for a healthier sex life and he refuses...just file for D. If he isn't willing or is unable to meet your expectations then you have reached an acceptable level of effort. You tried your best to salvage the M but could not to your satisfaction. So...find a lawyer and file for D. Because the alternative, an A, likely ends in D anyway with the addition of more than a few wrecked lives - yours included.
wildsoul Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Is he married? Are you the "other woman"? If not, this should be moved to the infidelity thread.
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