malibustacydoll Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I am going to try to make a long story short. My boyfriend used to look at porn a lot to the extent that it hurt our sex life. I am against porn. I do not want to argue whether it is right or wrong on here either. In any case, in late 2007 he agreed to never look at it again-- he actually promised. I was skeptical and asked him now and then if he had done so but the trust built over time. I am now living with him for the summer and the we were thinking of becoming engaged soon and everything has been going well. I ocassionaly check his computer (maybe once a month) just for my own sanity. He knows that I do this. In any case, with his permission I went on his computer last night to print some stuff for my class and found a ton of interesting links regarding porn and naked females as well as other related topics. I let it rest for the night but was extremely upset. I had asked him days before if he had done so out of a hunch and he said no. I confronted him about it today. When I confronted him I told him that if I catch him in a lie that it is absolutely over. He then showed me a facebook account he had-- a second account-- a fake account. It is of a model guy's picture. He has hundreds of whore-looking female friends. He plays sex-related games on there, joins sex chats, joins sex groups, shares stories with others and god knows what else. This is among the other sites he visits but the one that got me the most. I don't know what to do. I took my ring off and I am staying in the extra bedroom right now while I look for my own place. I do not know if I can ever trust him again. I feel like I gave him a chance and he blew it. I am starting to feel like something is wrong with me and I will never let a man make me feel like that. I am torn though because I have been with him so long and I love him. He of course wants to stay together. He even said I could install spyware/parental controls/something that makes it so you cant delete the history on his computer and on mine (apparently he did it on mine too). I don't know how I feel about this-- I dont want to have to do that and not trust him at all. I can't believe he snuck around my back, made fake accounts and cleared his history. I really want any advice. I have been crying for the last 10 hours and haven't eaten all day-- well it is a new day now... I feel sick and like I cannot go on. Please any advice is welcome.. Please.
hoping2heal Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Do you think it's possible he may have a legitimate sex addiction?
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 He told me that now he is not watching videos and he is not pleasuring himself to looking at these other girls. He did admit to pleasruing himself to reading stories sent back and forth but that is it. I really don't know what to do and would welcome anymore advice...
lizzy_09 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Hi, malibustacydoll! Checking on his account on the web feels like your choking him. Give a guy some space. It’s not the right approach. Of course, I’d feel offended if I were in your place and found out he was interested in porn sites. It’s like I’m not doing enough on my part to keep him interested in me physically and sexually. Here’s what you should have done, distract him. Ask him what makes him interested in porn sites that YOU CAN DO BETTER for him to concentrate on you. Sometimes, you have to be innovative or creative just to keep the love alive. This is what you call marriage. Communication is the key. I’m may not be a sex therapist, LOL, but I sure do know what would distract them. Ever watched that movie “The Break–Up” where Jennifer Aniston got naked while Vince Vaughn was watching the cable? LOL. He got so distracted that he forgot about what he was doing. LOL
robinincarolina Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 If he is an addict, you will have a battle for your entire relationship. If he just gets into every now and then, well the truth is, most men do and some women for that matter. Would I be thrilled if my man was looking at porn, not really. Depending on what type of porn, I may even join him. If you are really that much against it, and I do understand, then you may not be able to trust him, but you can't control him like a child. I get the feeling you don't want to have to, you just want to be able to trust him. Have you ever considered maybe watching some soft porn with him? It has been known to be an enhancement.
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I have early on in the relationship then when I learned it was something he was doing daily it had to end. He promised me that he wouldn't do it again and if he was tempted or did that he would tell me. I am almost more offended now that he had this fake account with a fake male model and was doing all of this ****. He said he wasn't cheating or talking to anyone. Then again he said he created it just for one thing then it grew-- so perhaps it was heading in the cheating direction. I want to trust him and not to babysit him. I am so heartbroken and it makes it even worse that I am living with him now. I want to hug him yet I want to punch him. I don't want to sit around and babysit him but then again I don't want to lose him in some sick twisted way... He told me he was going to propose this month-- god. I am kind of glad he didn't now.... I am really lost and would love someone to talk to.
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Please.. anyone else.. I am falling apart here.
CD111 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Well I know one thing for sure, he won't change his behavior because you want him to. This has been an ongoing issue and he has chosen his porn/sex obsession over you. I know most guys look at porn through some sort of media once in a while and I think there is nothing wrong with that, but creating a false account and talking to large amounts of women about sex in one way or another is definitely not healthy. Most guys also pleasure themselves and there is nothing wrong with that either unless he choose his hand over you. You also shouldn't have to babysit him, and check his online history. On the other hand maybe he would like you to be more open sexually because your sexual relationship has become stagnant and he is looking for some spice. I am going through a break up right now and I know how hard it is to loose that person you love, not only as a lover but also as a good friend. You have to truly think hard and long whether he is the right person for you.
Cinnamon777 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 IMO this is going to be an issue for the whole of your relationship. I had a similar kind of thing that concerned me before I got married. I believed "it's not a problem" line and now, 8 years into our marriage we have dealt with this to exhaustion. My love and desire is gone and I don't trust his word anymore for all the times that he stopped. It wasn't porn, but it's the same kind of behavior. Trust me... you will not regret letting this go. Even if it's not an addiction, it probably feels like it to you and it's something that you have very strong opinions about. Sometimes I wish that I had the nerve before I got married to get out. Now we have kids and we are breaking up. If he is willing to get help over this, you have something to work with, but not being able to trust your partner over an important issue is so very painful to deal with over time. It will erode your strength, your love, and your patience.
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 The thing is he says he is willing to do anything. He wanted me to and we did put parental monitoring software on his computer and talked about alternatives. I am okay with him jerking off every now and then or whatnot but I want him to put more effort into him and I's sex life. If anyone isn't adventerous it is him. I have tried many things before and suggested many things that have been shot down. In any case we have talked about alternatives and what else we could do. I am just so torn. My main issue is that last time he said he wanted to change and promised he would. He was "good" for almost a year, then the last five months has been hiding this from me. I just don't know if I can believe him or if I can learn to trust him again or if this will never end.
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.
loveshy Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 You are being so much controlling! Changes never work... Putting parental monitoring software is worst!! What kinda girlfriend are you?
Cloudberry Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Your choice: Keep your porn addict boyfriend, or break up and find a new guy who isn't quite as heavily into porn as your current boyfriend.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Think hard about what it is you want. I know you love this guy, but it seems that you can only be happy if he were to change to be someone that he isn't. It may not be the advice you want to hear, but if you need someone to save you at this point and you feel like you are falling apart you may want to understand that there are decent men out there who won't make you feel that way. You can't change a man. You can only change your situation.
Author malibustacydoll Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 I am not trying to control him or be like that. In regards to the above comment he is the one who wants me to put on the software. It was his idea and he went out and bought it and even put it on himself. The problem I am having is whether or not to believe this could work. He is making the efforts-- i.e. doing the software himself. It doesn't mean I will check it daily-- he just wants it there so that he knows that I could check it and know. He also went out and bought some erotica, well we did together. I was just wondering if someone has had a similiar issue and what you have done or how it has turned out...
2manyproblems Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 if you stay with him, don't expect his problem to end peacefully. based on the last 1.5 years together, it appears the problem will continue indefinitly in the future. so i think this decision is about compromise. are you willing to struggle with this problem so you two can be together? will you be struggling against the problem WITH your man or AGAINST your man? if you decide to continue together, i think you would do better to think more pragmatically. your goal is to get him to stop doing crazy porn stuff online. what is the best way- is it to join him? to let him do whatever he wants?? is it to police and control him? is it to go to therapy? perhaps to make jokes about it and bring it up in conversations with you man and his friends, casually, to make it not a big deal? and even if you will achieve the result best by policing him, could this possibly lead to him resenting you? then everything is lost in any case. gl.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Getting computer software to monitor him won't solve the problem. He merely suggested these ideas simply to appease your worries. The way you went about trying to eradicate the problem to begin with was was unrealistic of you. You can't " control" his behaviour by constantly checking his computer because look where it got you- having him lie to you about a second account and going behind your back doing these things. You're trying to hold on to the ideal that you can change him because of the last 1.5 years you gave him. Have you suggested therapy for his addiction? Yes, he has an addiction. Be realistic and upfront about getting him help rather than changing him to your preferences. It will take a lot of work and patience for him to come to terms about his problem. The point is while giving him this ultamatum about leaving him will prompt him into action in trying to get you to stay, it will not however get him to consciously want to change his habit and addiction for the better. It's best for you to remove yourself from this situation if you can't deal with this positively and efficiently with professional help.
Exit Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 How is your sex life? I don't know too many guys who need to be looking at it online all day if they are getting an appropriate amount of attention from their partner. I'm not saying you should have to make a constant effort or go out of your way or do uncomfortable things to just appease his addiction. See if he'd be willing to go to a counselor about it. He needs to give you more proof than just saying "I'll stop". If it's a full-blown addiction he may not have the power to stop. If he cared enough to actually go get help then I'd say you have someone who might be worth hanging on to. If he just makes verbal promises and keeps breaking them then you need to make it absolutely clear (no subtle feminine "hints") that this issue WILL end your relationship if not resolved.
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