surgngnl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 i am a fool. i tricked myself. i did it to myself. and i know that now. you don't love me, hell, i wonder if you even like me. you're a sad little boy who has demons that fight you at every turn. i can't compete with those bastards. and i don't want to anymore. i genuinely fell in love with you last year. you, in turn, used me to justify leaving her. i fell for it. i fell for the lies that you didn't know you were telling, the "romantic movie quotes" that flowed through your voice that truly tasted like honey to me. i will never believe in words again. i will never trust the simple, beautiful things that may come out of another's mouth for as long as i'm living. you didn't intend to kill my belief that i am loveable, but in the end, that's exactly what you did. and that makes me sad. it should make you sad too, sad to know that you were able to make a pessimist out of the eternal optimist. you wanted me to know my place in your life. you made it crystal clear. don't think that i didn't see the things you were telling me with your body, with your silence, with your indifference. i'm as perceptive as they come and i read you loud and clear. it broke my heart, but i took the bitter medicine like a big girl. and now, i deal. that's the only thing i can do, and do, i will. they say silence is golden. well, i'll be the most shiny, muted chick you've ever known to exist. i must. i have to. i cannot be your best friend anymore. i can't convince myself that because i love you that i'll take you any way i can have you just because i honestly care for you. i can't tell myself that i'm ok with being your steady rock. not any longer. i wish, truly wish, that i could, but i love me more than i love what i've come to wish and hope we could be... and god, did i love that picture that you and i created at one time long ago. it was beautiful, it was true, it was perfectly real. now, as of two days ago, i know in my soul that it's not as it once was going to be. it's over. it's done. to never be again. i sigh and breathe it out of my life. it's gone. you're gone. never to be heard of again. the only thing i take away from you and us is that i truly knew what it felt like to love with everything i had and to feel loved by the most beautiful man to have ever existed. it wasn't tricky, it wasn't silly, it wasn't make-believe. it was calm, it was settled, it was... well, love.
twicebitten Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 ... THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, albeit SAD!!! This was like reading a poem ... a glimpse into my own psyche & my own heart! Well-written & well-done!! YOU WILL HEAL!! Keep writing & believing!! XO - TB -
Nokia1446 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 God bless you. this is actually what is happening. Do not focus on the fact that you feel shafted from this whole situation. Do not feel like there is a black cloud above your head that will never go away. There may very well be a black cloud... but that doesnt mean that the sun wont come out brighter than before! Theres never been a storm that didnt end. This makes you STRONGER, this makes you SMARTER... this shows you WHAT TO LOOK FOR. I know what its like to GIVE ALL.. every cell in your body... and then to get burnt in the end. To truly wonder.. if the person EVER CARED AT ALL. All you can be responsible is what you gave... and you gave the most beautiful love ever. You put that energy back into the universe.. and it WILL come back to you!! Don't worry. Everything happens for a reason. What goes around comes around. Be grateful that this panned out the way it did.. and focus on what you can derive from it. Your post was an inspiration to me!
Author surgngnl Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 it gives me some comfort to know that i am not alone in my head. you've all been there before too. i've read through postings on this site and if there's one thing i can take away from other people's hurt is that everyone gets through it at some point. we all know that continuing contact with this person that we wish so badly to love us makes our pain last longer. we know that wallowing in our misery makes the pain last longer. we know that holding onto hope that they'll change their minds will make the pain last longer. having read through the deep, honest things everyone has written on LS has helped me make the decision that i know will make my pain last the least amount of time possible. i'm an inspiration to you? no, honey, you're an inspiration to me...
notalone Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Wow! When I read your post, I felt like I was reading my own heart. And yes, holding onto hope only makes the pain last longer...very very true. Let go, live for yourself. Hugs and prayers from across the pond.
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