530 Guy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Yes, we're right. You've got a wicked ice queen on your hands, I don't envy you my man. Be strong brother.
mark982 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 you could always tell her,damn put your clothes on,your blinding me.
WTFO Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 the stbx is walking around the house naked...WTF??? Before my son wakes and after he goes to sleep, she's been stripping down and walking around. She finds stupid things to ask me. It feels like a set-up of some kind. It's been quite a while since we've had sex, so it's tough to just ignore it. I can't make sense of this behavior. I'm trying to get all the ducks in a row to drop the D bomb on this family and she's trying to feel sexy? again, WTF? anyone have a clue? Holy shnikees, My STBHEX is doing stuff like this too. Walking around in thongs showing me how much weight she lost. Is saying "she will miss me" "and I want to cook for you" jeesh is there a book they are reading or something.
Author FoolMeAgain Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 WTFO - Being married to a repeat cheater has me tuned into this crap. Cheaters have some issues with self-esteem. They need their ego to be fed by anyone and everyone. My stbx has the same "look at me" "look at me" "look at me" attitude that she had during affair #1. It's like it kicks in some wacked out part of the brain. This morning I grabbed my video camera to document the craziness. Instead of her retreating - she smiled like she was on tv or something and started playing to the camera. I could believe what I was seeing. (back to ignoring)
Author FoolMeAgain Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Tomorrow is my DS last day of school. He'll be attending day camps all summer (first time since stbx never had a full time job before) I am going to tell her to use some personal time on Monday and stay home for the morning to discuss our future. I plan on letting her know that I'm filing for divorce. If I just file, she will run scared to a lawyer and then the money pissing contest starts between the two lawyers. She will get just 1 chance to do this right and together. (with a mediator of course) We don't have enough cash to pay two lawyers, a realtor, 2 movers etc... So I want to lay it out for her to see. I'm not trying to get over on her or beat her out of anything - I just want to make this as easy on DS as possible. He is a kid who doesn't handle change well at all. If she agrees, she will end up with much more money, assets, and parenting time. If she doesn't agree, we are both pretty much out on our asses. It may backfire and give her the upperhand in the courts if she files, but I need to take that chance... OR she may just want to go into her own place so she can live live she wants... I 2nd guess EVERYTHING these days
hey_beautiful Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I wouldn't be too sure that your wife will have all of what you say. I have never been divorced, but I was very involved in my parents divorce, as I was 18 when it happened. My dad was the cheating, abusing, lying, stealing bastard. My mom had less money, less everything...and my dad has gotten away scott-free. If you hear that women don't get screwed in courts, you need to start listening more, because they do. Who knows what will happen. The tables are turned, of course. She is the cheater, she is the one looking for a new life, essentially. I would definitely take your chance to file. Absolutely. Make it damn well known that you are not going to be married to a person like this. I would file and not say a word. Do it after the fact if you're afraid she will "beat you to it" or something along those lines. Saying "I am going to file for divorce" is pretty similar to "I filed for divorce, and this is what we need to do". Divorce is still on the table no matter how you look at it. But when you say it, make it known that you're not trying to screw anyone out of anything, you want it to be civil, quick and painless to benefit both of you and your children. I was involved in a family where the divorce and the arguing went on a long, long time (a year+) before it was all finalized. You don't need to do it. But, since this seems fairly mutual, which you should say, it again reiterates that if you both cooperate, you will be on with your life a lot quicker. There is joint custody, and the money thing may not be negotiable until the time comes if you get paid less or she suddenly has more money than you. I hope it goes well for you. Have you decided what you are doing about the house? Are you keeping it and letting her move out, since she is the one who cheated and wanted out in the first place?
Author FoolMeAgain Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 ... it again reiterates that if you both cooperate, you will be on with your life a lot quicker. There is joint custody, and the money thing may not be negotiable until the time comes if you get paid less or she suddenly has more money than you. I hope it goes well for you. Have you decided what you are doing about the house? Are you keeping it and letting her move out, since she is the one who cheated and wanted out in the first place? My main concern is keeping my sons life as normal as possible. The same schedule, the same bedroom, the same house with his dog... etc If I stay, I can probably re-fi and buy her out with enough money to start her life over. If we fight it out, there won't be enough left to hold on to those things... She sees our DS as a meal-ticket and that's it. She doesn't care or want these things. Maintaining this lifestyle requires alot of work and sacrifice. Neither of which she is willing to do. I can't believe she blew off my son's last day of school yesterday. We were supposed to pick him up from school with balloons, lunch, ice cream etc... and she never showed... It was her lunch hour. I asked her later, what she did and she coldly said "I spent it in the park" that's all she said. What a selfish bitch! I heard her later saying that I must have had her followed beacause I knew she was with OM at lunch.... Clueless! I asked because she blew off lunch with our son. I'm just beside myself...
Author FoolMeAgain Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 One of those tv guru's did a show on affairs and divorce yesterday. He said there is a time when you are to get a divorce. He warned not to do it before or after this event. (If you have kids) You divorce when the anger leaves you. When you are no longer pissed and hurt. When you look at your stbx and KNOW 'staying is unhealthy'. Everything goes wrong if you divorce too soon. You do all the wrong things, say all the wrong things and make decisions based on emotions not intellect. This is also the worse time to allow lawyers to make decisions for you. They smell anger - It sounds like "ching-ching" I can honestly say, I'm at that point. I'm still sad that my delusion of 'happily ever after' isn't a reality, but I'm no longer pissed off. I saw that show the day I was to 'drop the bomb' but didn't. I had my sister lined up to take my son out for the night and she had to cancel. - We're going try again next week.
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 One of those tv guru's did a show on affairs and divorce yesterday. He said there is a time when you are to get a divorce. He warned not to do it before or after this event. (If you have kids) You divorce when the anger leaves you. When you are no longer pissed and hurt. When you look at your stbx and KNOW 'staying is unhealthy'. Everything goes wrong if you divorce too soon. You do all the wrong things, say all the wrong things and make decisions based on emotions not intellect. This is also the worse time to allow lawyers to make decisions for you. They smell anger - It sounds like "ching-ching" I can honestly say, I'm at that point. I'm still sad that my delusion of 'happily ever after' isn't a reality, but I'm no longer pissed off. I saw that show the day I was to 'drop the bomb' but didn't. I had my sister lined up to take my son out for the night and she had to cancel. - We're going try again next week. The time to get divorce is when you reach the 'Rhett Butler' stage! "Frankly my Dear! I don't give a damn!" No love! No haterd! I just want my Life back!
WTFO Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 WTFO - Being married to a repeat cheater has me tuned into this crap. Cheaters have some issues with self-esteem. They need their ego to be fed by anyone and everyone. My stbx has the same "look at me" "look at me" "look at me" attitude that she had during affair #1. It's like it kicks in some wacked out part of the brain. This morning I grabbed my video camera to document the craziness. Instead of her retreating - she smiled like she was on tv or something and started playing to the camera. I could believe what I was seeing. (back to ignoring) Yea, I get that Sheet too.("Oh, I'm down to 104lbs) ("Do you like my hair this color" ) "how does this outfit look? It goes on and on. Doesn't she know we are Verbally separated and she should ask her new boyfriend these things. Man, 3 more weeks and I get my own slice of freedom. Then its No F'n Contact/LC only for the kids. Sorry, back to our scheduled show.
tml-13 Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 My main concern is keeping my sons life as normal as possible. The same schedule, the same bedroom, the same house with his dog... etc If I stay, I can probably re-fi and buy her out with enough money to start her life over. If we fight it out, there won't be enough left to hold on to those things... She sees our DS as a meal-ticket and that's it. She doesn't care or want these things. Maintaining this lifestyle requires alot of work and sacrifice. Neither of which she is willing to do. I can't believe she blew off my son's last day of school yesterday. We were supposed to pick him up from school with balloons, lunch, ice cream etc... and she never showed... It was her lunch hour. I asked her later, what she did and she coldly said "I spent it in the park" that's all she said. What a selfish bitch! I heard her later saying that I must have had her followed beacause I knew she was with OM at lunch.... Clueless! I asked because she blew off lunch with our son. I'm just beside myself... I'm in the same boat as you my friend... wife cheated twice, both times with "friends" from HS... we've been married for 12 years. The second one was an MM and she of course told me that I was to blame for both, even though the MM was "just for fun" I got the usual no-support BS. Fact is, I took care of both kids (2 boys 7 and 9) and worked while I paid for her to go back to college (and sleep around). Went to MC just like you... the MC was fooled for a bit, but eventually told me to "run like hell". I'm going to leave... soon... you should too.... but you need to plan it out first. IMHO the most important thing is that you get joint custody (at least)... let her have the house and furniture and pay you. Get a two bedroom apartment and sign the lease before you do it. Then, tell her you want joint custody and if she wont agree, you're prepared for Armageddon. Turn the tables, let her have the kids 1/2 the time but make her prove that you are unfit to have them as much as she does.... guaranteed she (and her lawyer) cant. As an added benefit, you dont pay child support since you have custody 50% of the time... You might have to pay a little extra spousal support if you live in a communist "no fault" jurisdiction.... Then again... It's taken me 1 and a half years since D day to finally realize that I need to do this to show the boys that this isn't a normal relationship. If I don't, they're destined to get walked on... Think about the money aspect this way... could you live without a50 inch plasma if you didn't have to watch tv with her?
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I'm in the same boat as you my friend... w.... Turn the tables, let her have the kids 1/2 the time but make her prove that you are unfit to have them as much as she does.... guaranteed she (and her lawyer) cant. As an added benefit, you dont pay child support since you have custody 50% of the time... You might have to pay a little extra spousal support if you live in a communist "no fault" jurisdiction.... Then again... It's taken me 1 and a half years since D day to finally realize that I need to do this to show the boys that this isn't a normal relationship. If I don't, they're destined to get walked on... Think about the money aspect this way... could you live without a50 inch plasma if you didn't have to watch tv with her? Hey TML- I checked out your thread and our stories are very similar. I was busy preparing for divorce for a year (I too am self employed and want full custody) It's too bad we need to go thru all this just to have a chance. Tomorrow I drop the bomb- I made arrangements for son to get picked up for the night and It's over. I became a master at spying - I found out about OM #2 while snooping for custody stuff... I still have a hard time believing the split personalities at work here. Last night she was grinding up against one of the fathers at my sons little league game... It is disgusting. She is addicted to attention! Yes- It's ALL ABOUT THE KID now. I need to show him, bu my actions that it's not ok to be someone else's doormat. Tomorrow, I tell her she's got to go and a new chapter begins --- hopefully without armagedon
2sunny Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 well then tonight if i were you i'd walk around naked in front of her... not saying a word and not even looking in her direction. same thing in the morning... give her a last send off. just don't let her get near you - almost as if you own your goods and she can't have it attitude. not now - not ever again. i'm bad sometimes... but this seems reasonable considering her blatant lack of respect for anyone in your house.
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 well then tonight if i were you i'd walk around naked in front of her... not saying a word and not even looking in her direction. ...her blatant lack of respect for anyone in your house. I read this too late 2sunny (nice tribute poster btw) After 2 years of 'being dragged thru the mud' I finally had 'the talk' tonight. Stayin is unhealthy. She cried and whined for about an hour, then her idea was to move into her own place so we can keep everything the same for our son.When he came home, she cried in front of him again. She ignored him when he asked "why are you crying mommy?" She also wants to "separate" rather than divorce. We'll see what her plan morphs into when she calls her support team.
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 This has been an exhausting week. As I stated - I had the "It's time we divorce" talk on Wed 7/1. She cried and begged but sounded agreeable. She even said it would be best if SHE moved out to keep as much as possible normal for our son. I told her I have not been in touch with an attorney yet. I wanted to see if we could agree on things ourselves. She agreed. Thurs 7/2 she came home for lunch but ignored me- she was obviously crying a lot at work. She called her support team (divorced circle of friends who've been on stand-by for a year). That night, she tried to pick a fight at the bottom of the stairs where our son was sleeping. She started yelling "I get it, you want a divorce" - so much for keeping our son first. I walked away without a word. Fri 7/3- she was off and spent the morning running errands. After I got off from work she 'went shopping' code for met up with the OM. (i confirmed with my spying) It still hurts, but it keeps me plowing forward into divorce. Sometimes, I feel like I should just stay married to keep everyone from this pain. 7/4 Sat- We normally have a big party for the 4th, but I let it go this year. I wanted nothing to do with her family/friends this year. Our son was devistated ... he really wanted a yard full of people. I didn't know how to tell him why it was off so I let it go... not smart... he needs communication. She met up with OM in the morning and took our son to her friends in the afternoon. I went to my Mom's and couldn't tell her. 7/5 Sun - She went out to her friends for the day and I got to listen to a 30 minute call with OM (#3) - It was her telling him what she wants for their '1st time' - She said she is glad they didn't DO IT on Friday. I have to say, I was surprised they haven't 'done IT' yet. Part of me says the rest of the hiding, sneaking and lies don't count since they haven't 'done it'. The other part of me says who cares? It kills me to hear this, but I need it to keep moving forward. I also heard her say, she is not agreeing to anything without a lawyer looking at it 1st - so I guess my 'no lawyer idea is off the table too... I just feel like a loser, piece of crap, stupid waste of space right now... I gotta get off this roller coaster... It's exhausting.
WTFO Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I just feel like a loser, piece of crap, stupid waste of space right now... I gotta get off this roller coaster... It's exhausting. Dude, your not a loser. Alot of us here are in the same boat. I got the"Arn't you happy for me talk tonight?" She told me she is going to "ask him if he wants to go to the next level" What ever that means..lol I already know shes bangin him plus my kids are telling mr they both are saying they love eachother in front of em. So don't think you are a loser or waste of space. Just move forward and NEVER look back. just my .02
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 This is typical for the BS (Betrayed Spouse) to feel this way. When your spouse/so cheats, the old ego takes one in the bow big time, like a battleship at Peral Harbor. Your best bet? Don't even let yourself go there. You need to sit down and write yourself a letter about all the good your brought to the marriage, the family, the whole dynamics. Include the small and the large, leave nothing out. When your subconscious tries to kick into the Sad Sack routine, read the letter ~ multiple times if necessary. What your doing in effect is your 're-booting' your brain housing group. May take awhile, and you may have to do it over and over, and over. Then you may want to write one about the STBX and all her faults, failings, shortcomings! And again you may have to read it over and over and over again. You know, any and everyone runs this program in their brain housing group when they're going through tough times. But when you really stop and let (make) yourself think about it? Most of us are pretty blessed and have a lot of good things going for us. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be! And what is more? There's always going to be someone richer, smarter, better looking, more successful than you, but there's also always going to be poorer, dumber, uglier, and less successful than you? 'Worse than some, but better than most" ~ is where most of us fall. AS for the STBXW? She's only got about a 10% of being with the OM within less than ten years. You just can't not make it work with someone who you know cheated on their spouse to be with you. Relationships don't have a snowball's chance in Hell without a good solid foundational pillars of trust and communication. When its made up fantasy, mist and smoke that the wind soon blows away? (Which is what most affairs are made of) ~ you've got nothing! And nothing plus nothing equals nothing! In time you will heal, improvise, adapt and overcome. You will come to the realization that there's no shortage of good women ~ in fact there are more good women than there are good men. You will come to realize that whatever the STBXW had to offer? You can find just as good as ~ if not better, just as much? If not more? The day's going to come? When you will see your STBXW? And sit in silent astonishment? "WTF did I ever see in that woman? Being married to her was like dragging a dead horse and saddle around with me everywhere I went?" What one person will abuse? Another can certainly use! And that's a fact! I caution you! Cheaters are self-centered, self indulgent, selfish individuals. She's going to go for everything! The house, the summer home, the boat, the cars, alimony, child support, ~ basically any and everything worth stealing! Get an attorney, shoot for the moon! (Everything) You can always settle for a lower orbit, and be gracious! She's already made it clear that going the 'sensible" route is out! She's already cheated on you, and she's telling you one thing and the OM another! BTW? Of course the OM doesn't care about her! He's playing her like a fiddle! All she is to him? Is just another notch in his bed post! No real man would lie, cheat, steal what's not his. No real man would even date a married woman! No real man would break up a family! My last LTR GF was 'separated' when we meet, (state law require they be physically separated for one year before divorce). I asked her for her X's phone number? She asked me why? I told her! We meet over a couple of beers in a local tavern. I asked him, "Is there any chance in Hell of the two of you reconciling? If not for one another? Then your Son?" He assured me "No" and that he had moved on and re-connected with the 'so-called' love of his life ~ his HS sweetheart! Your STBXW is making some serious mistakes in and with her life! My X is about eight years younger than her current husband, (the guy she left me for) She's 54, looks 64 from 'tanning' in the sun so much over the years. She gets older, uglier, meaner, fatter, and sicker with each passing day? But, he's got her! So I guess that makes HIM the winner! Meanwhile I'm retired out of the Corps, have all the benefits I had while I was active, making more money than I ever made in my life, have a "sweet" civilian job that's low-stress, no-stress ~ with low stress, no stress bosses! I owe less money than I ever owed when I was married? I come and go as I want, with whom I want, as I damn well want. Get married again? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
Hollyblue Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Foolmeagain: Dont get fooled again! You sound like a great, loving father and I am sure you were a great, loving husband. It is her loss! Please get an attorney and go for broke. For the past year she has not cared about you or your son. I know you loved her and dont want to hurt her. But dont let her fool you again! Also, I want to let you know that there are still good, devoted women out there. I am one of them. My husband and I are also going thru issues, but not cheating or at least I dont think so. Although the last time I left for work he accused me of going back early to see the OM. I said excuse me! and he said well u have been tanning with your friend and I have lost 40 pounds over the last year. I said did you ever think that I am doing that for you, so maybe you will notice me. He told me blah, blah, whatever. Anyways his comment was totally out of the blue to me. I dont want to read anything into it, but it is there in the back of my mind. See my discussion: communication. Anyways, hang in there and be strong for your son!
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Foolmeagain: Dont get fooled again! You sound like a great, loving father and I am sure you were a great, loving husband. It is her loss! Please get an attorney and go for broke. For the past year she has not cared about you or your son. I know you loved her and dont want to hurt her. But dont let her fool you again! ... Also, I want to let you know that there are still good, devoted women out there. I am one of them. ... Thanks Hollyblue- It's hard to picture even having a deep conversation with another woman after 15 years with this one. I sure do like the thought of having a relationship with someone who is not lying 24 hours a day. That sounds appealing to me
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 WTFO - your .02 dead on and appreciated. Gunny- Thank You - I actually copied your last reply to my desktop to give me strength for the 'battle ahead' I came to realize it's not divorce I was trying to avoid, It's lawyers. I knew this marriage was over when she got caught 4 months after D-day with OM #1. That was over a year ago. I used my son as an excuse not to divorce her. I told myself I need to protect him from this pain. The reality is- lawyers will suck us dry, drag this out and make decisions on what's best for this child anyway. Some dude in a robe is about to determine how many hours a week my son 'can be with me' - That's insane to me! I tried to calmly talk to her about whats best for him (not me) and how we can achieve that by doing this together. She agreed that night but once she talked to her friend she changed her tune and is planting her feet. I will quote her good friend "YOU HAVE THE CHILD, HE LEAVES AND PAYS YOU- THAT's HOW IT WORKS" Since when is being a 'child owner' a title. I now must pay my lawyer a retainer (about 4k) and she will get hers lined up which I will also pay a retainer. After some pissing contests, we're out of cash, so I'll liquidate my 401k and pay Penalties and taxes on that to keep the fight going. When that's gone the outcome will be to sell the house (in the worst market ever) and split the piddly little equity. Once we're broke, I will be given a schedule of times the court is allowing me to be with my son. (yes I plan on going for Full and settling Joint since my state is no-fault, adultery is not part of the equation) Being on the beginning of this battle makes it hard to sell the end as a happy place. Is it me or does this all seem so unfair?
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 You do what needs to be done. Do whatever it takes. this woman and her friends are toxic they dont deserve to be mothers with their actions. You put your children first.
mark982 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 why do you have to pay your wifes retainer? don't undrestand that.
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 why do you have to pay your wifes retainer? don't undrestand that. It's all still OUR money - If we both write checks out of our money to lawyers, that's less left for the family after it's divided. I guess I see it as paying toward both attny's not just one
Author FoolMeAgain Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 You do what needs to be done. Do whatever it takes. this woman and her friends are toxic they dont deserve to be mothers with their actions. You put your children first. Agree with the toxic... But disagree with the 'mothers' - they are CHILD OWNERS - that's a big difference - Thanks for chiming in Chrome
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Agree with the toxic... But disagree with the 'mothers' - they are CHILD OWNERS - that's a big difference - Thanks for chiming in Chrome Who the F says they are the child owners!!! WTF she did not make the baby by her damn self! you better get a family lawyer and sue that B for everything she's got! just because she got a coochie doesnt make her the end all be all of it all. Screw her. Dont let her get away with anything. Dont lay down and take it , fight!
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