Tried to avoid Divorce at all costs… didn’t work

[FoolMeAgain]

Hi All. I’ve been lurking, reading, following and learning from you all for over 1 year now. I have some ‘hero’s’ on this site.

 

Married 11 years, together 16. We have a 7 year old DS.

 

I came here from an infidelity board trying to get some insight into ‘the other side’ while I worked on my own marriage. I caught my wife having an affair with a married guy in the neighborhood. I had to break thru a ton of denial to actually accept it. It was a good 6 months affair before she got caught.

 

I knew something was wrong, I was just too stupid to see it was an affair. I begged her to do marriage counseling. She did, but it ended up as a waste of time and money. The counselor kept calling her on her BS till she shut down completely. For the first time ever, I tried my hardest to do it all… to carry the whole load … to be the Father, Mother, Husband and Wife because she was checked out. I also let her know my boundaries. She was to immediately go NO CONTACT with the OM. If she had contact she was to tell me immediately. Five months later she got caught again. I let her know that was the DEALBREAKER. She told me to leave and she will stay in the home with my son and I will pay her all my money. I decided to get some legal advice and plan this out.

 

She has spent the last year re-writing our marital history to EVEREYONE we know. She says the affair was all my fault. I was not affectionate enough. I worked too much. I didn’t appreciate her…. Bla, bla, bla… I worked so hard on being a good husband/father. I know there were many ways I could have been better, but I truly tried.

 

Fast forward to Now. She has been caught in her 2nd affair… Same as the first. Same excuses, lies, cover-ups etc… She really doesn’t seem to care. I spend my time with my son in scouts and I’m his baseball coach. I also work from home and for the 1st time ever she has a full time job. Since I’m doing his homework with him, his report card went to exceptional. He also doesn’t ‘hate’ school anymore. The tension in the house is hard to handle and I can see it’s not a healthy environment for him. I just can’t pull the trigger on the divorce.

 

I am so afraid of filing, losing custody, our home, all the assets and time with my son. She believes she is entitled to it all. The lawyer said we’ll need to sell our house and she will probably win custody because the courts don’t favor the men. She doesn’t even like to spend time with our son. She sees him as her “meal ticket”. I can’t even go camping with him because the thought of the stbx bringing her boyfriend here for a weekend makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t fathom having to come to my house to ‘visit’ my son while he swims in the pool with my ex-wifes boyfriend… It paralyzes me. Now I’m stuck in this painful place…. Any suggestions on how to get thru this is appreciated.

[mark982]

until gunny pops in i'll try his phrase.men lose custody 90% of the time.BUT in the 10%of the men who fight they get custody 90% of the time. start documenting everything you do with you son,why wife acts towards him,teachers meetings,everything you can think of.quit sitting back and letting HER run the show.

[Gunny376]

When men fight for custody?

 

They get it 90% of the time!

 

Its just that 90% of the time?

 

They don't fight for custody!

[Jonesey]

Do not leave the marital home! If she wants the new R, let her have it but make it very hard for her. Once you leave, you are cooked. Also, you may want to find another attorney, sounds like this one is not what you will need to protect your rights. Like Gunny said, men who FIGHT for custody usually win, but you have to put up the fight with a good attorney who will fight along side of you.

 

I was in a similar situation, and I refused to move out and helped her find a place. This was my smartest move ever.......

 

Good luck..

 

Jonesey

[BUENG1]

Hi All. I’ve been lurking, reading, following and learning from you all for over 1 year now. I have some ‘hero’s’ on this site.

 

Married 11 years, together 16. We have a 7 year old DS.

 

I came here from an infidelity board trying to get some insight into ‘the other side’ while I worked on my own marriage. I caught my wife having an affair with a married guy in the neighborhood. I had to break thru a ton of denial to actually accept it. It was a good 6 months affair before she got caught.

 

I knew something was wrong, I was just too stupid to see it was an affair. I begged her to do marriage counseling. She did, but it ended up as a waste of time and money. The counselor kept calling her on her BS till she shut down completely. For the first time ever, I tried my hardest to do it all… to carry the whole load … to be the Father, Mother, Husband and Wife because she was checked out. I also let her know my boundaries. She was to immediately go NO CONTACT with the OM. If she had contact she was to tell me immediately. Five months later she got caught again. I let her know that was the DEALBREAKER. She told me to leave and she will stay in the home with my son and I will pay her all my money. I decided to get some legal advice and plan this out.

 

She has spent the last year re-writing our marital history to EVEREYONE we know. She says the affair was all my fault. I was not affectionate enough. I worked too much. I didn’t appreciate her…. Bla, bla, bla… I worked so hard on being a good husband/father. I know there were many ways I could have been better, but I truly tried.

 

Fast forward to Now. She has been caught in her 2nd affair… Same as the first. Same excuses, lies, cover-ups etc… She really doesn’t seem to care. I spend my time with my son in scouts and I’m his baseball coach. I also work from home and for the 1st time ever she has a full time job. Since I’m doing his homework with him, his report card went to exceptional. He also doesn’t ‘hate’ school anymore. The tension in the house is hard to handle and I can see it’s not a healthy environment for him. I just can’t pull the trigger on the divorce.

 

I am so afraid of filing, losing custody, our home, all the assets and time with my son. She believes she is entitled to it all. The lawyer said we’ll need to sell our house and she will probably win custody because the courts don’t favor the men. She doesn’t even like to spend time with our son. She sees him as her “meal ticket”. I can’t even go camping with him because the thought of the stbx bringing her boyfriend here for a weekend makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t fathom having to come to my house to ‘visit’ my son while he swims in the pool with my ex-wifes boyfriend… It paralyzes me. Now I’m stuck in this painful place…. Any suggestions on how to get thru this is appreciated.

 

You say you work from home, have you been the primary caregiver for your child for how long? I'd get a new attorney.

[TrustInYourself]

Hi All. I’ve been lurking, reading, following and learning from you all for over 1 year now. I have some ‘hero’s’ on this site.

 

Married 11 years, together 16. We have a 7 year old DS.

 

I came here from an infidelity board trying to get some insight into ‘the other side’ while I worked on my own marriage. I caught my wife having an affair with a married guy in the neighborhood. I had to break thru a ton of denial to actually accept it. It was a good 6 months affair before she got caught.

 

I knew something was wrong, I was just too stupid to see it was an affair. I begged her to do marriage counseling. She did, but it ended up as a waste of time and money. The counselor kept calling her on her BS till she shut down completely. For the first time ever, I tried my hardest to do it all… to carry the whole load … to be the Father, Mother, Husband and Wife because she was checked out. I also let her know my boundaries. She was to immediately go NO CONTACT with the OM. If she had contact she was to tell me immediately. Five months later she got caught again. I let her know that was the DEALBREAKER. She told me to leave and she will stay in the home with my son and I will pay her all my money. I decided to get some legal advice and plan this out.

 

She has spent the last year re-writing our marital history to EVEREYONE we know. She says the affair was all my fault. I was not affectionate enough. I worked too much. I didn’t appreciate her…. Bla, bla, bla… I worked so hard on being a good husband/father. I know there were many ways I could have been better, but I truly tried.

 

Fast forward to Now. She has been caught in her 2nd affair… Same as the first. Same excuses, lies, cover-ups etc… She really doesn’t seem to care. I spend my time with my son in scouts and I’m his baseball coach. I also work from home and for the 1st time ever she has a full time job. Since I’m doing his homework with him, his report card went to exceptional. He also doesn’t ‘hate’ school anymore. The tension in the house is hard to handle and I can see it’s not a healthy environment for him. I just can’t pull the trigger on the divorce.

 

I am so afraid of filing, losing custody, our home, all the assets and time with my son. She believes she is entitled to it all. The lawyer said we’ll need to sell our house and she will probably win custody because the courts don’t favor the men. She doesn’t even like to spend time with our son. She sees him as her “meal ticket”. I can’t even go camping with him because the thought of the stbx bringing her boyfriend here for a weekend makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t fathom having to come to my house to ‘visit’ my son while he swims in the pool with my ex-wifes boyfriend… It paralyzes me. Now I’m stuck in this painful place…. Any suggestions on how to get thru this is appreciated.

 

Of course she feels like she's entitled to it all.

 

You enabled her behavior in some ways by working so hard to make it work. Sometimes, you have to just give up. Walk away, treat yourself with more self respect.

 

She doesn't respect you, so you blast her. You create a strong legal and moral case against her being the worst mother and wife in the world. You create CONSEQUENCES for her actions, rather than picking up the slack, you force her to realize what her actions truly mean.

 

Right now, she cheated twice and you did even more for her and your family.

 

You basically rewarded her for cheating. Speak with legal counsel. Stop bending over for her. Stop rationalizing your behavior for your family. Stop thinking that by being roadkill to her indiscretions, you will save your family.

 

I hope I was not too tough. The truth will be hard to see, when emotions are so powerful. Best wishes.

[seibert253]

Act as things are normal. Contact an attorney, and BAM, out of the blue have her served with D papers.

 

YOU ARE NOT SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON by letting your wife walk all over you. He WILL follow in your footsteps.

He needs to see a strong confident father who gives love, but expects the same in return.

 

Your wife DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Is this the example of marriage you wish to show your son? Do you want him to make the same mistakes you have and follow in your footsteps? He will.

[FoolMeAgain]

You say you work from home, have you been the primary caregiver for your child for how long? I'd get a new attorney.

 

No - she just started working full time - she has already quit 3 jobs in a year. 'didn't like the people, hours, boss...' She's luck to get a job in this economy.

[FoolMeAgain]

Thanks to you All. - I guess I'm hearing what I need to hear. You're all right. I'm making the unacceptable , acceptable. I do use the 'family' as an excuse to do nothing. None of us are happy this way.

 

I never filed, but I have been keeping records of everything for the last year. I know I need to file but she has said "I'm not leaving no matter what` You leave!"

 

I need to prepare to become one of these 90%ers... I don't see many of them on LS.... Thanks again

[Gunny376]

I know about this because I wrote a paper about the subject back in college. (I went after I retired from the Corps)

 

Women get primary custody 90% of the time, simply because men don't seek it? But in the 10% of the cases where they do seek primary custody? There awarded custody 90 % of the time in the 10 % of divorce cases where they seek it.

 

Given that you're so involved with DS day to day, with ball, scouts, homework, and you can prove this through affidavits and witnesses, up to and including your DS.

 

Also given that the stbxw has not worked for most of the marriage, and has quit three jobs (in this economy These days you've got a job you keep it, no matter how bad it is. At least until you've securely have another one.) And that she's had two affairs ~ she doesn't exactly have the best track record, now does she.

 

You not only need to find yourself another attorney, but one's got a proven track record. I would suggest that you speak to every divorce lawyer for fifty miles around. (Once they've spoken to you they ethically bound not to take her case.)

 

Generally the way divorce case work ~ is the one who "the firstest with mostest" tends to come out on top.

 

I would shoot for the moon, but keep the STBXHex in the dark, and don't have her served until the very last minute that you legally have to, (usually about thirty days).

 

Do not abandon the family home.

 

I would seek everything worth stealing ~ and then some more.

 

It sounds as though she cannot afford a long and protracted court battle, so I say you would have the better chances of gaining custody of the house and DS7.

[TrustInYourself]

As far as what she wants, ignore her. Work hard to develop a case where you can win custody. Document, document, document. Positive indifference. Smile and ignore her rants and accusations. She is going to try and drag out your emotions with threats and very hurtful statements. She will become the ultimate narcissist. Be prepared mentally for war.

 

Also, do not move out. She wants out of the marriage, she can leave. If anything, consult a lawyer. All actions need to be tempered by logic, not emotion. Resist impulsive decisions. Be selfish, to an extent.

 

Good luck.

[FoolMeAgain]

 

Generally the way divorce case work ~ is the one who "the firstest with mostest" tends to come out on top.

 

I would shoot for the moon, but keep the STBXHex in the dark, and don't have her served until the very last minute that you legally have to, (usually about thirty days).

 

Do not abandon the family home.

 

I would seek everything worth stealing ~ and then some more.

 

It sounds as though she cannot afford a long and protracted court battle, so I say you would have the better chances of gaining custody of the house and DS7.

 

She doesn't know, that I know, about the current affair. It's hard not to throw it up in her face when she starts in on me. It's sounds as though I should keep it to myself???

 

Gunny- you have a way with your words. Thank you - it gives my perspective I can't get on my own...

[FoolMeAgain]

her rants and accusations. She is going to try and drag out your emotions with threats and very hurtful statements. She will become the ultimate narcissist. Be prepared mentally for war.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks TIY -- you seam to know her very well... I really have a hard time believing this is the same woman I married years ago. I can't figure out if she was always this way and I never saw it OR she became this selfish human.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks TIY -- you seam to know her very well... I really have a hard time believing this is the same woman I married years ago. I can't figure out if she was always this way and I never saw it OR she became this selfish human.

 

LOL, they all do this man. This behavior is just her way of justifying her ridiculous behavior.

 

At this point, you're better off being civil, ignoring her, and being happy that you do not have to stay married to her. Mental judo time.

[FoolMeAgain]

I'm having a hard time moving to the next phase. I want to wait a couple weeks so my son is done with school, baseball and scouts. I thinks it's best if the firestorm comes when all this isn't going on.

 

My problem is her. She is pushing my buttons big time. She wants me out of here so she can have her fling without all the guilt. As I spy, I keep hearing EVERYONE tell her "Just don't leave" "If you stay he will have to pay for you for a long time" She buys right into it. All her friends & family just think I'm and a@@hole. At the same time she pushes my buttons,,, "If you were only more affectionate, more attentive, kiss me more... "

 

I can't take it - I just want to scream - WHY WOULD I KISS YOU WHEN I KNOW YOU WERE BANGIN THE OM???? Again she doesn't know that I know...

 

She dresses to the hilt when she's going to meet him... Who dresses like that for a trip to 'ChinaMart'???

 

I don't know if I can hang on - It's tough!

Thanks for listening ---- venting helps- I feel stronger, than when I log off- she sucks the strength right out of me....

[IndecisiveMe]

I understand your pain. I really do. But do you understand hers? Remember this is the woman you fell in love with and married. While people do change, it's not usually this drastically. SOMETHING pushed her in this direction. And you'll never find out what it is or if there's anything that can be done to remedy it if you don't talk to her.

 

By all means, if your goal is to just get away from her and rake her across the coals, don't let her know you know about the OM, keep records of all your good fathering, and serve up divorce papers without her knowledge. But if you have any desire to save your marriage, to try before giving up... You'll have to listen before you can be heard.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[mark982]

you are going to have to hang tuff as bad as it is.ingore her(another tuffie)but be civil.but like someone else said dociment EVERYTHING not matter how small you think it is.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm having a hard time moving to the next phase. I want to wait a couple weeks so my son is done with school, baseball and scouts. I thinks it's best if the firestorm comes when all this isn't going on.

 

My problem is her. She is pushing my buttons big time. She wants me out of here so she can have her fling without all the guilt. As I spy, I keep hearing EVERYONE tell her "Just don't leave" "If you stay he will have to pay for you for a long time" She buys right into it. All her friends & family just think I'm and a@@hole. At the same time she pushes my buttons,,, "If you were only more affectionate, more attentive, kiss me more... "

 

I can't take it - I just want to scream - WHY WOULD I KISS YOU WHEN I KNOW YOU WERE BANGIN THE OM???? Again she doesn't know that I know...

 

She dresses to the hilt when she's going to meet him... Who dresses like that for a trip to 'ChinaMart'???

 

I don't know if I can hang on - It's tough!

Thanks for listening ---- venting helps- I feel stronger, than when I log off- she sucks the strength right out of me....

 

Out it all. Let the world know. Let her entire family know. Just pretend like it doesn't bother you. Part of the attraction is the fact that it's a secret. An affair is exciting. Destroy that!

 

You do no one any favors by moving out. You do no one any service by letting this go on, without taking action. Sure, keep your emotions under lock and key, but you should be doing things to destroy her reputation.

 

Even if you love her, you must expose her. Your children are the victims of her indiscretion. She did this. Not you.

[TrustInYourself]

I understand your pain. I really do. But do you understand hers? Remember this is the woman you fell in love with and married. While people do change, it's not usually this drastically. SOMETHING pushed her in this direction. And you'll never find out what it is or if there's anything that can be done to remedy it if you don't talk to her.

 

By all means, if your goal is to just get away from her and rake her across the coals, don't let her know you know about the OM, keep records of all your good fathering, and serve up divorce papers without her knowledge. But if you have any desire to save your marriage, to try before giving up... You'll have to listen before you can be heard.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

You may love her, but you have to love yourself more. You have to respect yourself more. If she's with another man, destroy her shell of secrecy. Destroy the fog of an affair.

 

Once you've done that, you are in a position to forgive, if you choose to.

[FoolMeAgain]

... if your goal is to just get away from her and rake her across the coals, don't let her know you know about the OM, keep records of all your good fathering, and serve up divorce papers without her knowledge. But if you have any desire to save your marriage, to try before giving up... You'll have to listen before you can be heard.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

Thanks Indecisive-- I fastforwarded too much in my intro- I tried to save this marriage before, during and after the 1st affair... We spent Thousands $ on MC and dozens of hours- I bought and read every relationship book I could get my hands on - I did the divorce busters -alone... I became a better person, a good listener and a more understanding person. I also learned that "people treat you the way you allow them to treat you"

 

She has severe self-esteem issues. I can't help her 'self' only she can.

That said, I don't see anywhere in my post that I want to 'Rake Her Over The Coals' I'm just trying not to lose EVERYTHING at once. Having a home, schedule and stability for my son is my goal....

[TrustInYourself]

Trying doesn't always mean working on it. Trying sometimes means, giving up so they understand you mean business.

 

Your inability to expose the affair is enabling it. Who cares about MC and books.

 

You are a doormat.

[Gunny376]

Thanks Indecisive-- I fastforwarded too much in my intro- I tried to save this marriage before, during and after the 1st affair... We spent Thousands $ on MC and dozens of hours- I bought and read every relationship book I could get my hands on - I did the divorce busters -alone... I became a better person, a good listener and a more understanding person. I also learned that "people treat you the way you allow them to treat you"

 

She has severe self-esteem issues. I can't help her 'self' only she can.

That said, I don't see anywhere in my post that I want to 'Rake Her Over The Coals' I'm just trying not to lose EVERYTHING at once. Having a home, schedule and stability for my son is my goal....

 

 

You train/teach people how to treat you!

 

I do this at work, and everywhere I go!

 

It generally starts with the words, "I'm not your bitch,.............."

 

You want to cry to somebody?

 

Don't cry to me!

 

People can only use you as a doormat if you let them!

[TrustInYourself]

You train/teach people how to treat you!

 

I do this at work, and everywhere I go!

 

It generally starts with the words, "I'm not your bitch,.............."

 

You want to cry to somebody?

 

Don't cry to me!

 

People can only use you as a doormat if you let them!

 

LOL, I bet you are well-liked.

[Montclair0011]

FoolMeAgain -

 

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation, because I know something of what you are going through. I also had a cheating spouse, who blamed it all on me and thought I should be the one to move out.

 

I also later had a boyfriend who finally went back to his horrible marriage partly because his divorce lawyer told him he would never get custody, and his wife had no problem using the child as a weapon. He did not want to end up only seeing his child every other weekend and maybe one day a week. He was advised that, yeah, men do fight but it costs a LOT of money (like $100,000+) and that it rarely works out in the man's favor. The price of divorce escalates hugely when it is contested. It also varies A LOT by state, so you should check with local lawyers.

 

I'd say the best thing for you to do now is to stay in the house and get a shrink. If you get a good one they willl help coach you through this and on what to say to your wife and how to cause the least damage to your child. You are clearly very traumatised and in a lot of pain. You might also need some temporary drugs for anixiety/depression.

 

Your wife has left the marriage and so she should leave the house. I know she's not going to do that but stand firm. She sounds narrsacistic and abusive, kind of like my husband. Ugh, if so that's an impossible person to get through to--they just don't care about anyone but themselves. You will probably eventually be happy to be free of her--men usually have a lot more opportunities to date than women (especally as they get older) and you could be a lot happier. She might well end up in serious decline (although hopefully by then you won't care). But right now that probably seems like a no-way possiblity.

 

Hold tight and keep your job and stay close to your son (and don't badmouth your STBX in front of him). Try to get some new friends and try to start a new life. You can't control her so you need to let go. She's probably not thinking much about you so you need to do the same to her. And yes I know that thought stabs you in the heart with a twist. I know it sucks and the strenght of obsession and tortuous thoughts and imagining and the humiliation and dispair. Hang in there.

[carhill]

LOL, I bet you are well-liked.

LOL, yeah, I see you two have some history...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2198553&postcount=16

 

Gunny is definitely brusque and outspoken, but I've found his perspective to be a healthy one, especially for men who have, like myself, bought into the female perspective in one way or another. Nice wake up call from someone who's put himself in harm's way.