Girlygirl1977 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I'm on break with my bf. We originally dated when i was 23 for2.5 years. Now i'm 32 and we dated but I was a bit passive aggressive b/c my head wasn't in right place and maybe I was also not sure if he was really serious since when we were younger he wasnt. Anyway, so I came across as cold and mean to him. He asked for a one month break two weeks ago and we meet in two weeks. He said he was open to communication and before the break we had several very open/honest multi-hour talks about it. I wanted to write a real heartfelt letter to know that I'm still interested in trying this -I am totally unguarded now and he experienced a few days of that before the break. I also wanted to in fun gift coupons for things (e.g. a massage, i take half a day once a month etc., me cooking his favorite meal etc.). That implies I'm optimistic. Is that a bad move given my position?
Katherineos123 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Im not really sure what initiated the break in the first place... he thought you were being mean to him? With a little more details I think I could give you a better answer, but from what you told, I think that if he asked for a one month break, than you should grant him that one month....
lora22 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with Katherine on this. Also, even though you mentioned that you had "changed" before the break, I don't think demonstrating said "changed" behavior during a break is ever a good idea, because IME it just seems insincere, like you're only doing it to try to get the person back. Not saying that this is the case for you, but it could definitely come across that way.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with Katherine on this. Also, even though you mentioned that you had "changed" before the break, I don't think demonstrating said "changed" behavior during a break is ever a good idea, because IME it just seems insincere, like you're only doing it to try to get the person back. Not saying that this is the case for you, but it could definitely come across that way. Yes I understand - i can imagine he will look at this through those eyes potentially. But also he does know me from before at least. This is why he was surprised by my behavior. I've thought out why i was acting that way.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Im not really sure what initiated the break in the first place... he thought you were being mean to him? With a little more details I think I could give you a better answer, but from what you told, I think that if he asked for a one month break, than you should grant him that one month.... Well it was my passive aggressive behavior - he was putting a lot into it - e.g. traveling with me when i went abroad for working, booking a nice hotel to make a weekend out of it in Paris etc. So when he did this and got same response - he was deflated. That was the biggest event for him that hurt him. I have to be honest that was taking him for granted while i was sorting out my thoughts - i think i had some small residual resentment from before b/c he wasn't as serious in our last relationship. that's what i think was happening for me. So for a week we discussed it - really intense long multihour calls and talks in person. And while I was acting more like he knew me, he also felt his head was spinning and believed that if we had any chance of success we would need to start from scratch. So that's why he called the break. He said he wanted to flush out his head. Before he started the relationship, he had quit his job and soon after he moved 1.5hrs away and started a company. So he felt we would be making a serious decision and he wanted to flush his head out. We decided this will be all or nothing. . . He told me he is open to communication during the break - he said if we each have something to say, we should say it. The first day of the break was a 3hour call which was a bit too much. But now it is just text/email. I've tried to do a little something extra nice one time each week. It's out of desire not obligation that makes me. I told him i was now unguarded and doing things because I felt like it which is how I should have been.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Since he was the one that requested the break, I say no letter. Respect his wishes for a break. I tried the "break" think with my XH and he kept trying to show affection and it ultimately pissed me off because it showed complete disrespect for my wishes (was trying to get my head on straight).
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for the response and your experience too. I think I will not do it and we have 2 more weeks so I will go completely quiet now unless he contacts me. That's fair?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Im not really sure what initiated the break in the first place... he thought you were being mean to him? With a little more details I think I could give you a better answer, but from what you told, I think that if he asked for a one month break, than you should grant him that one month.... The one thing i would like to add is that he said if we had something to say, to say it. He said he is open to communication during this period. I don't know if that matters.
Katherineos123 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Well. Since the reason you two are on the break to begin with is due to your lack of "appreciation" or whathaveyou... I would still wait until the end of the month... give him his time. I think its important in this instance that he gets a chance to miss you. And I truly believe that you have changed and you DO want to continue to work on this relationship. But wait these two weeks to tell him about that. If I were you, as cheesy as it may sound, I would try and set a date with him after the month marker, and plan something special for him. To show him that you are serious about him and that you really do appreciate him. Maybe make him him dinner... burn him a mix cd.... anything! Just SOME sort of gesture to show him. Sit down and talk to him and TELL him how wonderful you think he is. Name dates and places to show him that all his romance is not in vain, and that it does matter to you... but I wouldnt bring up your past relationship with him if I were you... let sleeping dogs lie. Just make sure he knows how much you treasure him.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Well. Since the reason you two are on the break to begin with is due to your lack of "appreciation" or whathaveyou... I would still wait until the end of the month... give him his time. I think its important in this instance that he gets a chance to miss you. And I truly believe that you have changed and you DO want to continue to work on this relationship. But wait these two weeks to tell him about that. If I were you, as cheesy as it may sound, I would try and set a date with him after the month marker, and plan something special for him. To show him that you are serious about him and that you really do appreciate him. Maybe make him him dinner... burn him a mix cd.... anything! Just SOME sort of gesture to show him. Sit down and talk to him and TELL him how wonderful you think he is. Name dates and places to show him that all his romance is not in vain, and that it does matter to you... but I wouldnt bring up your past relationship with him if I were you... let sleeping dogs lie. Just make sure he knows how much you treasure him. Thanks this is very good advice. I will not send the letter but I actually ended up calling him instead on Tuesday. I was just going to do a quick hello and left a voice message. He called back in 10 min and we ended up talking for an hour. He even switched to call me back from his cell when he was walking to the grocery store. It was very light easy conversation, catching up. He is gearing up to start the business really in the next couple of weeks. And his biz partner who was his old roommate back when we dated some time go is over for 2 wks for this. And then will come a couple of days a month. He says he has been working till 3/4am. He even will make the logo himself and the website (not his background at all). So I was impressed. We are both traveling this weekend - he has a wedding which he had invited me to but I couldn't go b/c of my college reunion. He mentioned how much he liked the cookies I sent him too (made his favorite - choc chip which I sent him last week). I actually sent a mixed cd this week - he got it day I called. I did had sent these things before posting, so they were already on the way. So it seems he is open at least. I had a gut instinct to already start showing appreciation but will lay quiet now though I may send a simple message closer to the meeting date. I do want him to get the time to miss me - but also don't want it to seem like I'm being manipulative. Still I want to get the dynamic back to where it was - not just me doing such things I guess. I will do the ideas you mentioned too. Thanks.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi Girlygirl, It's good that you're aware of why you were acting the way you were acting and it sounds like you are doing a good job keeping things light and showing him that you do think of him. We decided this will be all or nothing. . . Why you would want to put so much pressure on the relationship when you are going through a period of adjustment? Couldn't you, once the break if over, take things one day at a time for awhile? The way I see it, this would give you both occasion to clean the slate. Thanks this is very good advice. I will not send the letter but I actually ended up calling him instead on Tuesday. I was just going to do a quick hello and left a voice message. He called back in 10 min and we ended up talking for an hour. He even switched to call me back from his cell when he was walking to the grocery store. It was very light easy conversation, catching up. He is gearing up to start the business really in the next couple of weeks. And his biz partner who was his old roommate back when we dated some time go is over for 2 wks for this. And then will come a couple of days a month. He says he has been working till 3/4am. He even will make the logo himself and the website (not his background at all). So I was impressed. We are both traveling this weekend - he has a wedding which he had invited me to but I couldn't go b/c of my college reunion. He mentioned how much he liked the cookies I sent him too (made his favorite - choc chip which I sent him last week). I actually sent a mixed cd this week - he got it day I called. I did had sent these things before posting, so they were already on the way. So it seems he is open at least. I had a gut instinct to already start showing appreciation but will lay quiet now though I may send a simple message closer to the meeting date. I do want him to get the time to miss me - but also don't want it to seem like I'm being manipulative. Still I want to get the dynamic back to where it was - not just me doing such things I guess. I will do the ideas you mentioned too. Thanks. I agree that Katerine's advice is excellent. If you do decide to write him a positive email before the end of the break, I would advise keeping it short. I hope it all works out! all the best!
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Hi Girlygirl, It's good that you're aware of why you were acting the way you were acting and it sounds like you are doing a good job keeping things light and showing him that you do think of him. Why you would want to put so much pressure on the relationship when you are going through a period of adjustment? Couldn't you, once the break if over, take things one day at a time for awhile? The way I see it, this would give you both occasion to clean the slate. I agree that Katerine's advice is excellent. If you do decide to write him a positive email before the end of the break, I would advise keeping it short. I hope it all works out! all the best! Your advice is good as usual! I'm not very good at inserting quotes within text so I'm just writing everything here - not quite an LS pro:o I've had to battle between showing some interest but not too invasive. It has been tricky I have to admit but it seems like it has been ok with him based on the responsive to different styles. The main point is to show the respect for the idea of a break. And to be fair it's been a good thing for me too. You are right again - I feel maybe he was battling for all or nothing. But in looking back, we do need to start from scratch and date from the very beginning like new people. It is too much pressure otherwise - good point. I think he was thinking aloud at some points - how would we do this? etc. The thing is perhaps I want to clarify this before the break ends but I think that requires bringing up the heavy subject which doesn't make sense right now. hmm. . . On any future positive msg - I wouldn't say much - just I'm looking forward to meeting again. I decided to nix something more "dramatic". I'll x my fingers - so much in-betweeness is not a strong suit of mine - and neither is patience though I'm doing my best;)
carhill Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I'm sensing a lot of formulas in this process. IMO, keep it simple. He's got his perspective on how he feels about your behavior. He wants a break to start fresh. OK. A month is a speck of sand in the scheme of time. You know what you need to do, for yourself, based on what you and he have shared. Work on you. If you don't feel, after a month, that you're ready to be authentic and all-in, ask for more time. Let him know you're working on this and, if he doesn't hear from you, not to worry. IMO, talk less about this behavioral dynamic and act more. Actions are what make the biggest and longest lasting impression
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I'm sensing a lot of formulas in this process. IMO, keep it simple. He's got his perspective on how he feels about your behavior. He wants a break to start fresh. OK. A month is a speck of sand in the scheme of time. You know what you need to do, for yourself, based on what you and he have shared. Work on you. If you don't feel, after a month, that you're ready to be authentic and all-in, ask for more time. Let him know you're working on this and, if he doesn't hear from you, not to worry. IMO, talk less about this behavioral dynamic and act more. Actions are what make the biggest and longest lasting impression Thanks for the advice. Btw I have sent him cards and even homemade cookies during the break. Do you think that was unfair/intrusive? I couldnt help it as I felt a desire to show my warmth and kindness (which I do feel towards him). I hope honestly he will be read in that time too. I also agree that I don't want to talk about it. So when we meet - we should not talk about it I guess? But there needs to be some initial talk I think? Though I really think the initial talks were too much (1 6.5hr, 1 4.5hr, 1 3hr); these were all before the break?! I find heavy talk almost hurts a relationship in some ways no?
carhill Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Your man has noted actions which give him pause. His work during this time is to achieve an open mind, a mind accepting of the actions which will occur, without attaching historical import. Acceptance. This was a key feature of our MC. Your job is to work on the psychology of passive-aggressive behavior and doubt. It's not easy and likely will not happen fast. It took me a good 8 months of MC before I started achieving fundamental behavioral change. But, then, I'm a stubborn SOB I personally would not imbue the break with 'signs' of your change/caring/love. Such would be suspect to me, though I am not him, so YMMV. Upon reuniting, act in the way which is natural to you and do not expound upon it. Just let your actions flow. Remember, he's your romantic interest, not a therapy buddy
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Your man has noted actions which give him pause. His work during this time is to achieve an open mind, a mind accepting of the actions which will occur, without attaching historical import. Acceptance. This was a key feature of our MC. Your job is to work on the psychology of passive-aggressive behavior and doubt. It's not easy and likely will not happen fast. It took me a good 8 months of MC before I started achieving fundamental behavioral change. But, then, I'm a stubborn SOB I personally would not imbue the break with 'signs' of your change/caring/love. Such would be suspect to me, though I am not him, so YMMV. Upon reuniting, act in the way which is natural to you and do not expound upon it. Just let your actions flow. Remember, he's your romantic interest, not a therapy buddy Thanks again for your insight. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to benefit from your experience if possible. What does MC stand for? I think that I am not typically passive-aggressive as far as the way I was acting when I date someone. So I think he has to do with some resentment which I think I have given away but I guess I'll keep working on it as you said. I do not know if he is suspect of my "signs" - not yet anyway. And I agree the limitation of talk is so important so that we are not in therapy together. . .it was painful doing it and I'm not interesting in doing that again. Well he told me he is traveling this Wed through Saturday (i think bachelor party) to London (well I think that b/c one of the 2 weddings he invited to me 3 wks into dating was in the UK though we aren't discussing that now:confused:). He recommended to meet the next weekend - wknd of 20th. So that's when it will be. . .
carhill Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 MC= Marriage counseling. We saw a clinical psychologist. Your behaviors may be specific to him, part of a dynamic between the two of you. I noted, in MC, behaviors which I had developed specific to my wife, mainly as coping skills, which were not part of my natural behavioral set. I was "acting". Unhealthy. For us, talk occurred in MC, with primarily actions outside. I tend to talk things to death and this annoyed my wife to no end. So, part of therapy was talking less and actions more. Now I see the value in that. TBH, I'm not really seeing the solo time he seems to have requested taking place. This dynamic is as much his responsibility as yours. If you're on a break, you're on a break. Every situation is different, but I saw that clear steps, discourse, and a plan of action was the best way to behavioral change. It didn't save our M (incompatibility elsewhere) but it did teach me a lot about the psychology of relationships. Keep us posted on your progress!
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 MC= Marriage counseling. We saw a clinical psychologist. Your behaviors may be specific to him, part of a dynamic between the two of you. I noted, in MC, behaviors which I had developed specific to my wife, mainly as coping skills, which were not part of my natural behavioral set. I was "acting". Unhealthy. For us, talk occurred in MC, with primarily actions outside. I tend to talk things to death and this annoyed my wife to no end. So, part of therapy was talking less and actions more. Now I see the value in that. TBH, I'm not really seeing the solo time he seems to have requested taking place. This dynamic is as much his responsibility as yours. If you're on a break, you're on a break. Every situation is different, but I saw that clear steps, discourse, and a plan of action was the best way to behavioral change. It didn't save our M (incompatibility elsewhere) but it did teach me a lot about the psychology of relationships. Keep us posted on your progress! This is really very interesting - I didn't think about my behavior as a coping mechanism. I think in this case, it was my attempt at putting a speed bump in there for him. I felt it was moving too fast instinctively and i wanted to confirm this was real given him not being serious when we were younger. You are right - he def isn't pushing me away as far as contact. We have now just decided to meet on the weekend of the 20th because he is headed to the UK from wed to sat (my guess is bachelor party for one summer wedding he invited me to but which we have since stopped discussing). But I think i still have 11 days to enact that solo time with more rigor. So I'll aim for that.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 MC= Marriage counseling. We saw a clinical psychologist. Your behaviors may be specific to him, part of a dynamic between the two of you. I noted, in MC, behaviors which I had developed specific to my wife, mainly as coping skills, which were not part of my natural behavioral set. I was "acting". Unhealthy. For us, talk occurred in MC, with primarily actions outside. I tend to talk things to death and this annoyed my wife to no end. So, part of therapy was talking less and actions more. Now I see the value in that. TBH, I'm not really seeing the solo time he seems to have requested taking place. This dynamic is as much his responsibility as yours. If you're on a break, you're on a break. Every situation is different, but I saw that clear steps, discourse, and a plan of action was the best way to behavioral change. It didn't save our M (incompatibility elsewhere) but it did teach me a lot about the psychology of relationships. Keep us posted on your progress! This is really very interesting - I didn't think about my behavior as a coping mechanism. I think in this case, it was my attempt at putting a speed bump in there for him. I felt it was moving too fast instinctively and i wanted to confirm this was real given him not being serious when we were younger. You are right - he def isn't pushing me away as far as contact. We have now just decided to meet on the weekend of the 20th because he is headed to the UK from wed to sat (my guess is bachelor party for one summer wedding he invited me to but which we have since stopped discussing). In that msg thuogh he did ask me about my 10th reunion which was this past weekend. So he is part of the problem as you mentioned, making more small talk etc. But I think i still have 11 days to enact that solo time with more rigor. So I'll aim for that. Keep in mind the
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