Chinook Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I'd value the advice of the regular posters in this forum right now. So... someone I used to be a mentor to, is applying for a job at my place of work. The guy is more than capable of doing the job. I've already put in a good word for him and sang praises etc. I like him, he's hard working and enthusiastic. Those are qualities my dept have been sadly missing the last couple of years. So... I sms'd him today to say I happen to know he's been short-listed for interview. Also asked him to give me a shout if he needed anything to prepare for interview (they do that crap of making you do a presentation). Apologised for texting but was on the train home. His first paragraph in an email response was to say that texting was okay, but he'd like to talk to me properly so maybe we could get together for lunch/dinner either in the city where we work or he's happy to come over to where I live. My spidey senses started tingling and usually I'm a fairly good judge of this stuff. Where I work we're all academics, so it's fairly common to 'grab a coffee' or to 'pop out for lunch' - but no one ever does dinner. So that was odd.. as well as the suggestion to come over to mine. I'm only asking because as I recently got dumped... I don't trust my own judgement in the slightest. Now, ladies what would you think, if a married bloke with 2 kids suggested this...? Gentlemen what do you think is going on here...? Do you guys think it could be entirely innocent or what..?
manugeorge Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 It doesn't sound in the least bit suspicious to me. I would just think he wants to get together to talk about the presentation. What is the hurt in having meeting up to see what the actual deal is? If he makes advances at you then, all you need to do is deflect them. Not complicated.
Author Chinook Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Well... like I said, I dont trust my judgement right now. But, what set the spidey senses going was usually... lunch or dinner is kinda intimate. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to dinner with a colleague of the opposite sex in the last 7 years. Also, I wasn't too sure about the offering to drive over to where I live. That's all really.
Gamine Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I think you're right on. I'd keep my distance and if I interacted with him I'd be all about academia. Reserved, totally cerebral and cut him off at the knees if he advances. The let's meet and/or stop off at your place is crossing the lines of familiarity that would totally freak me out. I probably would 'disappear' in terms of assisting him further. And, if he gets the job... well, you have his number.
NoIDidn't Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You'll never know until you speak to him. Hearing his voice is likely to give you a better idea. I don't see anything wrong with his suggestion, though, as it might be the only time he has to get with you outside of work. If he is suggesting dinner, I think he has cleared it or is going to clear it with his W and let her know what he is going to be doing. I don't think there is anything fishy - yet. But I do wonder why you feel that way. Are you attracted to him? Was there a previous attraction/flirtation between you two? If so, that would make more sense (to me) about your "spidey" senses (LOL).
Author Chinook Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I don't think there is anything fishy - yet. But I do wonder why you feel that way. Are you attracted to him? Was there a previous attraction/flirtation between you two? If so' date=' that would make more sense (to me) about your "spidey" senses (LOL).[/quote']Nope, no previous attraction (not on my part anyhow). I can't really speak for him... as it's more than 10 years ago since we worked together and I can't really recall any specifics for how we worked together. But also, I was his mentor. That means I was in a position of trust... aside from all that, I had a committed partner at the time who I wouldnt have dreamed looking away from. I felt a little off about this because it's not usual to suggest lunch/dinner with colleagues unless it's as a large group for a social occasion. If he'd wanted to discuss the presentation, I'd have expected maybe to go for a coffee next time he's over in the building (he does sessional work for us at the moment). I dunno, I kinda just had a hunch about it - it's out of the ordinary and I just wanted to ask whether I'm way off or not. It seems maybe/maybe not... at the moment anyhow.
Author Chinook Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Turned out that I wasn't way off and he ended up asking me for an affair. I said no. He didn't get the job either... which was just as well.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Turned out that I wasn't way off and he ended up asking me for an affair. I said no. He didn't get the job either... which was just as well. WOW! You knew where he was going! Why did you say no anyways?
Author Chinook Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 I said no because that kind of thing isn't on my moral compass. As much as I liked him, I simply couldn't do it. Since that moment that I did say no (and I had to say no three times) I haven't spoken to him since. I explained to him that what happened changed the dynamics of the friendship and I can't remain friends with someone who I know wants more and I can't pretend to be a friend when really I'm not - plus the time he was spending on me, investing in texting me and emailing me, should have been time he spent on his wife and family. I stepped right away to ensure he didn't have the choice to not do that. I have no doubt that if it's not me, it will be someone else. But for myself, keeping my integrity and honesty intact was important to me. I didn't do it out of any loyalty to his wife or family, I declined out of self-respect... no matter how much I like someone, they're not worth my sense of self being destroyed.
cuppa Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I said no because that kind of thing isn't on my moral compass. As much as I liked him, I simply couldn't do it. Since that moment that I did say no (and I had to say no three times) I haven't spoken to him since. I explained to him that what happened changed the dynamics of the friendship and I can't remain friends with someone who I know wants more and I can't pretend to be a friend when really I'm not - plus the time he was spending on me, investing in texting me and emailing me, should have been time he spent on his wife and family. I stepped right away to ensure he didn't have the choice to not do that. I have no doubt that if it's not me, it will be someone else. But for myself, keeping my integrity and honesty intact was important to me. I didn't do it out of any loyalty to his wife or family, I declined out of self-respect... no matter how much I like someone, they're not worth my sense of self being destroyed. wow...good instinct. I was about to say, lunch is OK but I guess you know better . My instinct is always way off when it comes things like this so good job for knowing this in advanced and be guarded.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I said no because that kind of thing isn't on my moral compass. As much as I liked him, I simply couldn't do it. Since that moment that I did say no (and I had to say no three times) I haven't spoken to him since. I explained to him that what happened changed the dynamics of the friendship and I can't remain friends with someone who I know wants more and I can't pretend to be a friend when really I'm not - plus the time he was spending on me, investing in texting me and emailing me, should have been time he spent on his wife and family. I stepped right away to ensure he didn't have the choice to not do that. I have no doubt that if it's not me, it will be someone else. But for myself, keeping my integrity and honesty intact was important to me. I didn't do it out of any loyalty to his wife or family, I declined out of self-respect... no matter how much I like someone, they're not worth my sense of self being destroyed. You Rock... Why can't all people be so knowledgeable and mature when it comes to having an inappropriate relationship with married individuals? In case you hadn't figured I was totally kidding when I asked why you said no...
Author Chinook Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 You Rock... Why can't all people be so knowledgeable and mature when it comes to having an inappropriate relationship with married individuals? In case you hadn't figured I was totally kidding when I asked why you said no...Yea, I wasn't sure though which is why I wrote it out anyhow
Author Chinook Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 wow...good instinct. I was about to say, lunch is OK but I guess you know better . My instinct is always way off when it comes things like this so good job for knowing this in advanced and be guarded.I think part of it was that I've been cheated on and I could see his behaviour from the other side of the coin. So when he asked about lunch or dinner, it was the 'dinner' thing which rang alarm bells for me. That's what prickled my initial instinct. When I arranged to see him for lunch about the presentation, I conducted it like a business meeting with minutes and an agenda etc. He had more wine to drink with his lunch than I did and so he openly asked. As soon as he did, it just made life a lot easier with it because there was no need to question what I would or wouldn't do. I knew I wouldn't.
Samantha0905 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Well... like I said, I dont trust my judgement right now. But, what set the spidey senses going was usually... lunch or dinner is kinda intimate. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to dinner with a colleague of the opposite sex in the last 7 years. Also, I wasn't too sure about the offering to drive over to where I live. That's all really. I was going to suggest lunch as opposed to dinner, but then you said: Turned out that I wasn't way off and he ended up asking me for an affair. I said no. He didn't get the job either... which was just as well. Always listen to your spidey sense.
2sunny Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 i see how long ago this thread was started - did it take 6 months for him to approach you or has this transpired along the way? and i am interested to know how a married man goes about asking for that from a gal - that's always something i wondered about... so, how did he ask?
Author Chinook Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 It happened about a month after I posted this thread. I don't visit Loveshack that much now so I was catching up. He asked straight outright "Chinook, are we going to have an affair..?" First time I thought he was kidding. Second and third, I made my answer clear, just so he didn't think I was kidding!
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 wow! good for you! sounds like your pretty good at being in tune with people as well...
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