digitalwizard Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Here is my story, someone PLEASE give me some helpful advice! I have been married to the most perfect woman (at least from my point of view) for almost 9 years (June 10th, 2009). Along the way we have had some bumps and some bigger bumps. At approximately 5 yrs in, I got a job that caused me to be gone almost 18 hrs a day and it ended up driving a huge wedge between us. I almost lost her then. But somehow, by the power of our love, I was able to convince her to stay with me. We made it work wonderfully for another 4 years and now here we are again. This time it is because I got so caught up in my own life that I was not giving her enough attention. I can't believe I was so blind. I can see it all clearly NOW, but NOW is too late! She's always been the kind of woman to need that emotional connection, that deep conversation, and I could give it to her, but I just hadn't been. She told me she needed 'space', but the night after I left, she was talking on the phone to another guy 2000 miles away. She's been hurt bad and is now talking on the phone to another guy she met online. He lives almost 2000 miles away, fortunately, but I get the feeling that he has replaced me. We separated two Wednesdays (about a week and half) ago. However, last Thursday (about 4 days ago), she called me up and asked me to come over that morning before I headed to work to spend some time with her and talk about things. Well, I got over there and she was sick (has been for about 3 weeks with Bronchitis) and laying down. So, I let her sleep and adored her while she slept. It felt so perfect to be that close to her again. I was carressing her face and kissing her eyes and forehead. Tears were flowing down onto her face as well from my eyes. It felt so beautiful. She couldn't have been sleeping through it all (in 9 years any time I touched her while sleeping she woke up), yet she let me continue. I left for work a few hours later and received a call that she wanted me to spend the night with her. I was SO psyched! I got over there and was so excited for my opportunity to spend the evening with her. God I felt so good inside. I would NOT mess up again. I had learned just how much I valued her love.... Then, while playing Rock Band 2 (how she met him, btw) his name popped up. He had recently changed it to TwinFlame (or something, in reference to his connection with my wife. Keep in mind, they have only been talking on the phone for about 1.5 weeks). I had been there about 1 hr and a message with a "Re: Messed Up Bad" came across the screen. It was obviously a reply to message with THAT subject that she had sent him. I'm wondering if she had a moment of weakness and regretted it or something, then let him know. Then a few moments later another message "Call me?". Well, within 30 mins, she was telling me that she didn't think I should spend the night. I left gracefully, but not before she snuck in, "I may call you back over after a bit to give me a shower." I was almost flabberghasted. I thought for sure she just wanted the time alone to call him and set things straight. I received a call about 1:30am to come back over. I spent the evening with her head in my lap, sleeping in my arms. I didn't sleep a WINK. I couldn't! I had to cherish every moment of it. The next morning, she woke up and a bit later I got to give her the shower. I did have to bring it up a few times before she gave in, but I did succeed. NOW, this was NOT a sexual shower. It was simply a chance for me to worship her and serve her a little bit. After the shower, I left to go to work. Since that night, about 4 days ago, I have had a strong feeling that she doesn't feel the same as that night. I have gone over there a few times on the weekend, but there is no spark. No closeness. I mean, two days before, I was holding her side, had my arms around her, was hugging her and kissing her and now it's like it didn't happen. Can ANYONE help me make sense of all of this? I know she is still talking to him. I even suspect, though I can't be 100% sure that they have possibly had phone sex. My hunch is based on her reaction when I asked her. Important notes: 1. The day before I spent the night, she had told me that I best move on, that it was over. I asked if I could just start over as a friend and try again. She said 'no'. 2. The next day, I get the call to come over and then spend the night (out of nowhere). 3. The day after that, I went over to see the kids and see how she was and she was a 'friend', but there was no connection or spark. 4. I had asked her that morning if we could watch a movie together or something that evening. She said she was sleepy and would take a nap. After a few hours, she called back and said that she was still sleepy and wanted to go to bed. I had a strong feeling that she was lying, so I drove over and walked up to the house and found her playing Rock Band 2 with someone. I was devistated. Please someone help me! We have had a very special relationship, much deeper and closer than I'm sure most marriages ever get. She is not just my lover; she is my absolute best friend. How did I go from in the house, spending the night, to no spark again? NOTE: It may also be worth noting that she has several symptoms that indicate she is starting menopause. She is 35, will be 36 in Dec. Is it possible that this is all just menopausal and a treatment would fix it?
Gunny376 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 The only thing you CAN DO that might work is going complete NC except for the children of course. Quit making yourself so readily available to her. Quit going over, definitely quit calling her, and when she calls you, don't answer it, let if go to message. Don't go over there except to pick up the kids, and will you do? Its hit and run ~ get in and get out. Keep conversation short and sweet and mainly about the children. When she gets to questioning where you been and what you've been doing (she will) be evasive and say such things as "Working, keeping busy, etc ) All of this will get her mind in the right frame. You're giving her the 'gift of missing you (and thinking about you ) If you do this right? She'll begin thinking such things as: "Where's he going?" "What's he doing?" ":eek: :eek: "And who's he doing it with!!! :eek: When she starts to reel you back in, (she will if you do this right!) you tell her, "Well I acted immature, took you for granted and complacent, and all I can do is move on with my Life!" You absolutely must maintain absolute control over your emotions, one way or the other. No anger, no pity, no tears, (Ok you smile and laugh a little. The person that cares the least controls the relationship, which would not be you by the way, and so,......................what you've got to is get back into the drviers seat! Whatever you do! Do not pursue her! Do not chase her, she'll run hard and fast in the other direction. Don't try and romance her back. It won't work at this point. You've got to offer yourself as more attractive alternative / reality. Absolutely do not show any jealousy ~ jealousy is your insecurity in the face of even the least amount of competition. Here the 180's list, . This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her. 180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Wow! I expected some advice, but you just gave me a complete game plan. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write your post. I have been doing the NC for about a day now and it is NOT easy. I'm concerned that she may take it negatively, like I am pissed at her or don't want to see her anymore, and shut down completely. Is that a possibility? Also, she has this guy to talk to, will she really miss ME if she's got him slobbering all over her? I'm afraid that my NC will just drive her further into his arms! I would give 10 years off of my life to get her back, so whatever I have to do, I will do. Thank you again! Thomas
SummerLady Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 The only thing you CAN DO that might work is going complete NC except for the children of course. Quit making yourself so readily available to her. Quit going over, definitely quit calling her, and when she calls you, don't answer it, let if go to message. Don't go over there except to pick up the kids, and will you do? Its hit and run ~ get in and get out. Keep conversation short and sweet and mainly about the children. When she gets to questioning where you been and what you've been doing (she will) be evasive and say such things as "Working, keeping busy, etc ) All of this will get her mind in the right frame. You're giving her the 'gift of missing you (and thinking about you ) If you do this right? She'll begin thinking such things as: "Where's he going?" "What's he doing?" ":eek: :eek: "And who's he doing it with!!! :eek: When she starts to reel you back in, (she will if you do this right!) you tell her, "Well I acted immature, took you for granted and complacent, and all I can do is move on with my Life!" You absolutely must maintain absolute control over your emotions, one way or the other. No anger, no pity, no tears, (Ok you smile and laugh a little. The person that cares the least controls the relationship, which would not be you by the way, and so,......................what you've got to is get back into the drviers seat! Whatever you do! Do not pursue her! Do not chase her, she'll run hard and fast in the other direction. Don't try and romance her back. It won't work at this point. You've got to offer yourself as more attractive alternative / reality. Absolutely do not show any jealousy ~ jealousy is your insecurity in the face of even the least amount of competition. Here the 180's list, . This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her. 180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Gunny gives great advice. He is so right on this. My ex did everything Gunny says not to do and guess where my ex is.......Kicked to the curb.
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Ref: OP most recent post! Go ahead! Send her flowers by ga-zillions, cards, candy, call her up and beg forgiveness! Beg for another chance! Buy her diamonds! Attempt to wine and dine her! Beg on your knees for forgiveness! Cry crocidile tears! Moan and groan, and roll in the dirt! Tear your clothes apart, pound your head against a brick wall until it bleeds! Wear sack cloth! In short? Be a beta-male! Becoming a weak-willed, weak-minded, undisciplined, un-controled supplicating shell of a man! That's really attractive! That really turns the women on! OR You can be a man and man-up and take what come regardless? Her waffeling? She's testing you my friend! She's testing you to see if your a boy or a man! Quit worrying! 90% of the things that we worry about never come about to begin with! So stop that! Quit "What if'ing" Yea you could have, should have, ought to have, would have! What are you going to do? Sit around on the top of a mountain for the rest of your life doing that? Quit beating yourself up! There's only about six billion people on the planet that are waiting just outside of your front door with Louville Sluggers just waiting to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face! Quit "Yea But,....................." Either a thing is or its not. What is ~ IS! What was? ~ WAS! And what will be? Will be! The "I could have, should, would have" game comes down to the definition of the word "IF" "If grasshoppers in Kansas had .45 caliber pistols crows wouldn't eat them! But they don't and so they do!" Marriage is a lot like draining a swamp. Sure your initial objetive was to drain the swamp? But when your covered up to your ass in alligators, snakes and Indians trying to take your head off? You tend to forget what your initial objective was? You had best be getting your head out of the fog-soup right here and right now! There's a World of Hurt about to come down on you, and your gong to need everything you've got to get through it! The "Storms of Life" are about to roll over you and your Life, and if your not careful it will be you that make them worse! You'd best snap out of it, because if you think things can't get any worse? THINK A DAMN AGAIN! Your own mind will work against you! And you can find your "big computer" of a mind working against you in desperation. There's been folks that have sucidied themselve over this. Committied murder over this crap. The "game plan" isn't getting back with the wife? The "game plan" is your survival! Coming out the otherside of this intact, half way sane, alive, not behind bars, not a drunk, or drug addict, with a half way decent life. The "game plan" is getting your head and ass wired back together, getting your head together, and moving forward with your life! The "game plan" is coming up with your own personalize self improvement plan for your life and becoming not only the best human being you can become? But the best "you" that you can become! The "game plan" is learning to and how to live your Life! Your the one that's responsible for your happiness and contentment in Life! Not your wife! Wheather your wife stays or goes ~ matters not! What if (God forbid) she would were to die tomorrow? What would you do? Where would you go? Would you cease to exsist? Would you suicide yourself? Hell No! You would go on! You go on for your children, your friends, your family! Hope floats eternal!
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Gunny gives great advice. He is so right on this. My ex did everything Gunny says not to do and guess where my ex is.......Kicked to the curb. Proof positive from a woman! Women want a man! Even if she leaves him ~ she'll still respect him for "manning-up" and taking it like a man, and for being a man! For sucking it and dealing with ~ she will still give him her admiration and respect! And for doing so? Youll still have your self dignity and self respect. I completely understand the problem between men and women. Men are 'lone wolves" doing the "Desperado" riding the fence line and such. Men don't do relationships, and women are all about relationships. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113001/?highlight=redfathom
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 By definition? A woman carrying another human being within themselves? Its all about "relationships" By definition? Men not doing so? Don't have a clue! Most men want to be good husbands ~ its just that we don't know how to bond and do the relationship thing like women do? This confuses women? Because to them its natural, but to men. Men "compartimize" friendship. We have golfing buddies, fishing buddies, hunting buddies. But they're not interchangeable with one another? Women have friends, based upon well? Being women!
TroyNJ Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Gunny, I going throught some biblical crap myself and just wanted to say thank you for doing what you do. Your advice is priceless.
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 How long have you been separated? You are not living in the house with her, right? Why did you leave the house? Is she throwing away the marriage for some guy that lives 2000 miles away and you suspect she has phone sex with? And this is all through some game called rock band 2? I don't believe it's menopause and she's too young for mid-life crisis.
TrustInYourself Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Wow! I expected some advice, but you just gave me a complete game plan. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write your post. I have been doing the NC for about a day now and it is NOT easy. I'm concerned that she may take it negatively, like I am pissed at her or don't want to see her anymore, and shut down completely. Is that a possibility? Also, she has this guy to talk to, will she really miss ME if she's got him slobbering all over her? I'm afraid that my NC will just drive her further into his arms! I would give 10 years off of my life to get her back, so whatever I have to do, I will do. Thank you again! Thomas Not at all. It's the exact opposite. People want what they can not have. Let her have him, if that's her choice. At one point, she's going to come crying back. As long as you stick to the game plan, you will be fine with or without her. It's not up to you. It's up to her. Play your cards close to the chest.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Hopesndreams, I have been separated for two weeks (this coming Wednesday). Here is pretty much how it went down: About a month & 1/2 ago we moved out of an apartment and into a nicer sized 2-story duplex. Everything seemed fine. We were talking about how to decorate, picking out items that we would like to see in the home, etc. She even looked at a desk and said, "We could get that desk and then while you play your games before work, I can work right next to you." She works from home, by the way. Anyway, we had had Rock Band 2 for about 7 - 8 months now and RB1 before that for about a year. Both of us can play on Expert (her the guitar/bass, me the drums/bass). Well, a few days after we moved, she figured out that we could actually get a bluetooth and have conversations with the people we played online. So, she bought one and became addicted almost immediately. I would play with her when I could, but sometimes I had things to do or I was at work. I came home one night, not long after, and she said we needed to 'talk'. She said that she needed space, that I had been being too lazy and not being understanding enough with the kids. There were other things (all true, but not terrible) as well. Then she said that it was time for me to move out. She wanted to separate for a few months and let our spark grow again. I said, "No way", and for about 3 weeks, I assumed that everything was okay. We were making love (definitely not sex; it was very intimate and passion filled. IN FACT, a few nights before I left, she said, "I could never ever be with another man."), sleeping in the same bed, laughing with each other, when suddenly the night before I decided to leave, she went out into the garage to clean the car out. While she was there I snooped through some of the PS3 messages and found some very flirtatious stuff with two different guys. Don't get me wrong, she was a pretty good flirt and I never minded. I was always secure in our marriage no matter what. What bothered me is that I would be treated like sh*t and these strangers were being treated so nicely. Not to mention, she wouldn't call me 'baby' or 'husband' in front of them. I was "Thomas" or 'Kronos" which is my RB nickname. I confronted her about it and she laughed, "I wanted you to find those. Do you get the point now? Now that you have some competition, maybe you'll fight for me." Well, that made me decide that I had to leave or else I had no chance in hell. That was around the 20th of May, I think. The next night I had to take her to the hospital because she was having difficulty breathing from bronchitis. While in the xray, I checked her phone. She had called this guy over and over and over and over, almost 10 times throughout the entire night. It made my stomach sick. Funny thing is, had she been talking to him during the day, it wouldn't have been as BIG a deal, but at night to me = intimacy. The wee hours of the night is not a time for two 'friends' to be talking. Anyway, I've also found emails from her to him, calling him "Baby" and stuff and from him calling her daughter "our/your daughter". I confronted her about those, too. She said, "Thomas, not everything is as you see it. I'm torn and that is all. I don't know how I feel or what I want." Well, there you go... a few nights later I spent the night with her and gave her a shower. Now, here we are a few days later, barely talking. I don't call her and she BARELY (maybe 1 time a day, if that even) calls me. Oh yeah, it's worth mentioning that this guy she is now talking to, I noticed them getting pretty close while I was still living there and that was one of the things that pissed me off. She would stay up until 2am or later playing RB with him while I begged her to come to bed. And if I made a 'scene' in front of him (which was the final straw the night before I left) she turned into satan. I believe totally that she still loves me, and may even be IN LOVE with me, but I think she is absolutely confused. Until me, she never knew she could have such a strong and deep relationship, now she knows it's possible and is having it with another. I think I'm too late. Now, I'm not putting the blame on her entirely! I had faults. I would get angry and shout sometimes, and I would get lazy and not do anything. I am human and have faults, too. I guess I just did it for too long. She has told me it is over and I have no hope and prayer to move on and get on with my life and then the next day said that she missed me and wanted to start over as friends. It's all VERY confusing! Edit: She said that he can connect with her on an enlightenment level. She said that he is very wise and enlightened. (we are both into higher things, so this is understandable. However, I always talked to her about this kind of stuff and it was always good enough. Now, it's got to be him) I don't know anymore. Since the breakup we have had philosophical discussions and they went pretty deep and went pretty well, but the connection is not there. I feel like she's think of him or what she's going to tell him while we talk about the stuff. He's unemployed, lives with his brother, and does drugs all of the time. A real winner, ya know.
TrustInYourself Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Ok that advice doesn't apply because your wife is cheating. You do not give cheating spouses room to play, if you care about getting them back. Especially if they are torn between another man. By giving her space now, you are giving her space to see others. It's one thing to give space to work on the marriage. It's completely another to give space for her to cheat. Follow your current course and you can expect her to continue to disrespect your marriage. Another thing, you know you have more value as a husband and lover to your wife? Not that I question your beliefs and tactics on your marriage, but right now, you are enabling her behavior by accepting her indiscretion as natural or ok. It's up to you, since it's your wife, but that would be difficult for me.
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 She wanted to separate for a few months and let our spark grow again. That could never happen. The spark will never grow back while you both are living separately. You should have stayed in the house, she wanted the space, you didn't, she should have been the one to leave. That would have been one of the consequences for her actions. So far in this, there are no consequences for her. She's having fun with her male friends and anytime during the day or night because you are not there. She will continue to do this, because it's so much fun and no one is there to stop her. She will get deeper and deeper involved with one of those male friends and that is when you would be permanently removed from her life. When she is bored or unsure or not feeling well she will give you a call and dangle a carrot in front of your nose. She enjoys this aspect of her life as well, very, very much. And in so doing this you look weak and pathetic in her eyes, it does not in any way, shape or form bring you both closer. The next time she calls, tell her you are busy. Don't give her any other details. In order for you to create a spark in her for you, you must get her curiosity going about what you doing and possibly who you might be seeing. Even if she needs to go see a doctor again, do not take her and hold her hand. She wants to be on her own and have space...she really needs to understand what that means, and she does not until she no longer has you at her beck and call. If she phones you, don't pick up. If she emails or texts, do not reply right away. Get her to miss you. It's the only way you have left in order to get her back. She seems very confused and puddled IMO. Hopefully, she'll snap out of it!
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 She's 'cheating' but not in person. He lives in Arizona and we live in Ohio. There's not too much possible other than phone sex. Which DOES concern me, but at this point I don't know if she has or not.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 hopesndreams, So what you are telling me is that she is PLAYING with me? This is a game to her? Oh, I can call Thomas and he'll come running, or I can ignore him all day and be worshiped by phone man. So it is possible then that she doesn't love me anymore....that hurts. I have been doing the avoiding and not talking thing. It's not easy though. I would so much rather talk to her, but I understand that I will only make things worse.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I forgot one other thing. After finding the personal emails, I installed a keylogger on her pc. Later that day, after calling her and a confronting her about the emails, I got my first log from her pc. Earlier, I had called her and I was hurt DEEP and she knew it and I didn't hide it. I told her, "Don't call me again" and hung up. Well, the log from her email that I received later was this: "woah, no words can say...............................no words can make up for that. I was so not in this world, (so asleep) it was like when they give you the shot and tell you to count. I have only ever gotten oney maybe 2 numbers out. The way you said what you said and hung up snapped me out of it. When I realized I had actually allowed myself to do that this pure fear came over me. I feel like I have hurt u deeper than I ever could. Believe me I want to call you right back and beg for mercy, but I don't think that will get me anywhere. All I can see is you telling me you will not talk to me, if you even answered that phone. Such sorrow is consuming me at this moment. Actually, I feel I deserve to call you back just to endure that. Trust me, I will punish myself for that as well. I let you down, nothing can take that back. I am SORRY beyond words Baby. I hope you can forgive me." It was never sent to me in an email so I don't know if it is a coincidence or what, but this email actually gave me hope!
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 People can do cruel things to each other and maybe even more so to those they love. She's not thinking straight, obviously. Whether or not she loves you, this I do not know. She's being incredibly selfish and treating you badly, you are hurting and she is oblivious to your pain. If she were actually having an affair with a man my advice would be different. She is getting quite cozy with other guys though and that is a big cause for concern. You do have some time on your side to "fix" this, but it may not be much time. Do read and re-read everything and anything about NC (no contact). Follow it to a T. It's your best chance and your only chance. If on occasion you screw up, go right back to NC. You need to get her to see that she doesn't want to lose you over some guys that she chats with on the phone and plays rock band with.
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 That's very interesting. Ok, just sit back and wait for it. Will you get it? Will she send it? Will she change her mind? If you do get it, don't jump on it right away and phone her or run over to her place, play it cool, let her sweat. Keep going NC til then. Good luck.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Also, she has told me several times, "It's not what it appears. Just give me some space and you will see. Stop reading into everything; it's just roleplay!" Her boss at work (my bro-in-law (sister's wife) told me that about 3 weeks ago she was talking at work about, "I've been talking to someone online to make Thomas jealous." So you see, I don't think this is your normal 'break up'. It's really weird. Nothing makes sense, and almost every day it changes. That's why I have been avoiding her because the roller coaster of love was killing me inside. I love her so much and ENJOY genuinely being around her so much that I would be willing to live together as friends only. This isn't just simple infatuation. She is more special to me than anyone or anything. She's my rock, so to speak. So, it's gonna take me a bit of time to 'get over her' and 'move on'....God I hate those words!
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 If this does get sorted out and you get back with her, do get her to see a therapist. If she doesn't get therapy this sort of thing will only happen again.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I have just one more question, and this is very important. Our anniversary is on the 10th of June. That's NINE years! Should I ignore it or try to use it in some way to get to her? I'm guessing ignore it, but that is going to be VERY hard!
hopesndreams Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Ignore it. The person who is interested less in the relationship decides what to do about stuff like that. It's not up to you to get her a card, take her out to dinner, buy her trinkets or whatever...it's up to her whether or not she'd be interested in getting anything from you.
Author digitalwizard Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I'm at work and just a few moments ago my wife called and asked me who I was seeing. To be exact, she said, "Who is she?". I handled it the best that I could, but she ended up getting upset because I wouldn't tell her. I could tell that it was eating her alive inside. She said she had a feeling in her gut that I was seeing someone. I said, "There is no 'she'." Then I said, well, the only she is 'Teresa', but I begged and pleaded with her to let me back in her life and she said 'no'. Then I said, "I've just been stayin' busy." Is this a good sign? She said, 'tell me, Thomas'. I said, "No offense, but we have separate lives now and it's none of your business. I asked you about 'him' and you wouldn't tell me." She said, "You know about him." I said, "No, I know you talk to him; I don't know what about or when or if you've told him you love him or have had phone sex." (These are questions that I asked and she told me that it was none of my business). So I said, "Now you get to be the one that stays up at night wondering.". She said, "Tell me so it will make it easier for me." (<-what does that mean?) She said, "If you aren't gonna' tell me, then '**** it' and hung up. So, someone tell me. It's been just ONE day of no contact and already she's wondering. Is this a good sign that she still cares or am jumping the gun? WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP???????
Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Whoa! Whoa! Hold up there Slick! First off, (and this is very, very important) she must never, ever, as in for the rest of your life ever known your being 'coached' Next is that she had you dancing like a puppet on a string, and now that the tide is turning, the roles will be reversing (they haven't completely yet) The one that cares the least about the other person and weather the relationship last or not? Controls the relationship. And you want that to be you. From now on and forever more. As I said a man has got to take the position of realistically being completely willing and capable of walking at anytime. Even if he's married. Never, and I mean never let another use you a doormat, disrespect you, nor take you for granted. Especially your wife. Put a stop to it instantly and let them know you want stand for it. You don't have to be nasty about it, just firm and resolute that you won't stand for such behavior from them. To quote John Wayne" "I will not be lied to! I will not be cheated! I will not be disrespected! I will not be laid a hand upon! I do not do these things to others, and I will not have them done to me." What you want is for her to be where you were (are?) You want her to try desperately try and get you back. To get things back to the way they were. But you go back on your terms! Not hers! Or I should say you take her back on your terms and not hers. Meanwhile you don't want to be cruel, ugly nor mean about it, but in-different about her and the marriage. You want to paint a pretty picture in her mind that you are a strong confident Alpha Male. Confident that if she walks out of your life? You know you can go out and find any number of HB10's anytime ~ anyplace. You want to get it her head that she's the one with the demand, and your the one that's got the supply, a supply of a very precious and hard to find, come by commodity that there's a very high demand for. In short your selling yourself, but for her to value you, she's got to get it in her mind that what she's abused can very much used by any number of other women. You can't do that if your selling yourself as a weak-minded, weak-willed, supplicating crying his eyes out individual. Not attractive at all! Once you done you've got her hooked on the "value" of you ~ you continue building value. You want her working her way back to you ~ not the other way around. I think you handled it well, perhaps said too much. (The part about begging and pleading for her to take you back? OUCH! Never ever beg or plead for anything from a woman! ) Anniversary? Hell know! When she calls you out on it? (She will and she will be pissed!), you tell her, well we're separated, your talking to other men and I been busy,...................... (Then shut up!) The most important thing I can tell you right now is that you need to understand! The less said is the best said! You've engaged her imagination, and have it work for you now. Shut the Hell up and don't ruin it by saying too much! Just growing desperate for information by the moment. Keep your mouth shut, not only to her, but to friends, co-workers, in-laws, the garbage man, the mail man, the neighborhood mutt! Don't be too quick to answer calls, return her calls, e-mails, make dates to meet her. I'm not saying don't do it, just do it on your time and at your convenience. Hey! Your a busy guy, with places to go, people to see! You've got a life right and your life isn't all about her! Finally is she playing a game on you? Come on, the two of you are "gamers" Of course she is! Even if she wasn't a gamer? She would test you. Women do this to their men from time to time. Especially insecure ones? Guess which kind of woman you have? In part she's playing the "Does my @zz look too big in these jeans" game. She's wanting more attention from you ~ as in like when you first meet, were first dating? Trouble is? If you fall for it now you're going to come off as a supplicating, weak-minded, weak will beta-male. The answer BTW is walking up to her and throwing your arms around her, shinning and grinning and saying ~ "I would still love you EVEN if it WAS too big for them!"
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