smile23 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Okay, so let me start off by giving you a brief background regarding me and my boyfriend's relationship. We started dating when we were 16 years old and juniors in high school, and we are currently 20 years old and juniors in college. We, obviously, have had our ups and downs, but for the most part, it has been an incredible relationship. With that being said, after he officially asked me out back when we were 16, I found out 6 months later that he had gone on a date within the first week that we had been official with another girl who he apparently had been flirting with at school. I know that it isn't that big of a deal, especially since it was at the beginning of our relationship, but I was still crushed because he went behind my back and didn't admit to what he did or explain to me what had happened until I found out through MySpace messages. When I saw them he said he didn't know what they were talking about, etc. etc., but a few weeks later admitted that he went on a date with her when I became more suspicious. Anyways, it has been 3 years since then, and my trust in him has grown really strong and I pushed what had happened out of the past. However, I just found out about an hour ago from his ex girlfriend that he had showed up at her house with his friend to hang out with her, and he never told me this. Most people would probably say, so what? It's not really a big deal. However, this girl used to be my absolute best friend, and it's a complicated story, but basically he had dated her for a few weeks, she broke up with him, and then she set us up, which obviously worked out. Throughout this time when my boyfriend and I started dating, he stupidly announced to me that he would go back to his ex if given the chance, and blah blah blah. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I suppose I was just really excited to date him, so this didn't really bother me. The problem is that I feel like my trust has been lost once again. I talked to him and he promised me nothing happened (which I am certain nothing did), but I'm really bothered by the fact that he went to her house behind my back and didn't feel the need to tell me. Also, he has promised me throughout our relationship that he hasn't contacted her or seen/talked to her in a long time, and obviously this isn't true. The way I view things in a relationship is that if you feel as though you can't tell your significant other something, or you need to hide something from them, then this is information that they should have the right to know. Lastly, I know this may be a little irrational to think, but what if he has been doing other activities or things behind my back and not telling me? What does everyone think of all of this? I'm sorry if this post is confusing and long, but I'm just really angry right now and I'm not quite sure what to think.
Author smile23 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Doesn't anyone have any thoughts/opinions regarding my post?! It would be greatly appreciated!
lora22 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I agree with you that it's best not to do anything that would give your SO reasons to wonder what's up, and if you feel like you have to hide it, probably you shouldn't be doing it. At the same time, no one likes to feel like they're "reporting" to their SO. I can understand why you might feel insecure or uncertain about the situation though, given your bf's past actions and statements. As far as doing "other things" from the info you gave, it sounds like your bf hasn't done anything that you wouldn't have found out from someone else naturally (like, you didn't have to go grilling other people for info), so don't drive yourself crazy over that, unless there's another reason you don't trust him. It's not an excuse, but a lot of times guys don't share info (like the ex thing?) because they're cowards and they think it will cause a fight, and in their minds, there's nothing to fight about, or because they simply don't think of it. When your bf "didn't tell you" that he was hanging out at his ex's, had you spoken to him that day and asked him what his plans were, or what he had done that day? If so, I'd say he lied. If you didn't, maybe he didn't want to feel like he was reporting to you by telling you what he was up to. Does he always tell you everything he does every single day, and who he's doing it with?
Author smile23 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 It's not an excuse, but a lot of times guys don't share info (like the ex thing?) because they're cowards and they think it will cause a fight, and in their minds, there's nothing to fight about, or because they simply don't think of it. This is one of the reasons as to why he said that he didn't tell me actually. He said he knew it would cause a fight, and therefore didn't think it was a good idea to tell me. However, I feel as though it would have been better for him to tell me rather than for his ex. When your bf "didn't tell you" that he was hanging out at his ex's, had you spoken to him that day and asked him what his plans were, or what he had done that day? If so, I'd say he lied. If you didn't, maybe he didn't want to feel like he was reporting to you by telling you what he was up to. Yes, I definitely talked to my boyfriend that day. I was away at college and he was home for the weekend, but we talk every day while we are away and I always ask him about his day and what he did, etc. etc. Does he always tell you everything he does every single day, and who he's doing it with? Well, we are extremely close and we usually tell each other everything simply because we want to. It's not like we feel the need to report everything to each other.
lora22 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 If you have a history of picking fights with him because you're super unjustifiably jealous, then I can totally understand where he's coming from (having been there, done that - it's still not an excuse though). I agree that he should have told you, I'm just saying I might possibly be able to understand his side. Maybe. If you don't have a history of being jealous, I would wonder why he thought it would cause a problem if everything was on the up and up. Since you two spoke, and he didn't mention it, do you feel like he lied to you? It sounds like you two need to have a discussion about these things.
Author smile23 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 If you have a history of picking fights with him because you're super unjustifiably jealous, then I can totally understand where he's coming from (having been there, done that - it's still not an excuse though). I agree that he should have told you, I'm just saying I might possibly be able to understand his side. Maybe. Well, I'm not generally the jealous type, but with this particular girl I am extremely jealous when my boyfriend and her talk to one another or contact each other due to the previous circumstances. I do see where he is coming from, but it still bothers me and makes me wonder.
lora22 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 No, I feel for you, I've been in your shoes before, and it felt awful. Like I said, I think you two need to talk this out. He doesn't want to deal with your jealousy, and you want to feel like you can trust him and that he's honest with you. I'm sure if you two care about each other you can talk it out and come to some sort of understanding. Also, it sounds like you two are younger (you mentioned you're in college?) - his behavior could just come down to inexperience and immaturity.
Author smile23 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Yes, we are both younger (we're both 20), so it probably is lack of experience of whatever. Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate it.
Recommended Posts