messed up Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 This is my first Post? I am so confused and I just need to get some advice. I will try not to make this post too long. In a nutshell. We have been together for 13yrs and we have a 13yr old daughter and a 10yr old son. He is not my daughters biological dad. His Mother has never really accepted my daughter and I and still really doesn't. She makes comments and makes up feel like outsiders with the family and he will not stand up for us. I want to be married someday, he told me he has picked out a ring 4 times, but something always stopped him. He doesn't know why. He treats me different when his mom is around, but expects me to be nice to her. She is an alcoholic now and says awful things about people infront of us and our children, she hates my family aswell. He told her that he doesn't want her around his family, but he still continues to go there with the children, he just doesn't talk to her. We moved away 8 yrs ago to get away from the drama. We moved to the arctic for 5 yrs, so he could move up with his career. I needed attention, love, affection from him, I needed him to spend time with me. He suggested a hobby. Thats when I stopped caring, crying, I just shut down went numb. There is no kissing, hugging, holding hands. We have been pretty much been sleeping in seperate beds for about 6yrs. We have had 3 counselling appointments, and he now tries to hug me, but it feels not right. For the last 4 yrs, we have gotten very good at just ignoring eachother. Can this be fixed?????
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Unless you both recognize that there IS a problem, then work together to IDENTIFY the problem, then decide together HOW to solve the problem and then DO it.... I would say, "fixed" ? No. You arent happy. You need a change. This is life honey. What do YOU want to do?
Author messed up Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I have been brutally honest with him in the last 5 months and told him everything I need and want. I have asked him to be aswell and he won't open up. I have been doing everything our counsellor tells us to do, and he will do it for a day and then stops. He feels ganged up on at counselling. I always have to talk, he will answer questions, but really doesn't bring anything up. We have another appointment on wed. I would like him to bring up his issuses with me. I feel like I am waiting for a sign. How many counselling appointments are enough?
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Right. You know the answer. I mean, its quite possible you and he need a different counselor if he is not comfortable with this one. Who you go to does matter, a counselor good for one couple, or person is not necessarily the best one for another. But the thing is: He isnt participating. He can not participate in the repair of your relationship without a counselor or with one for a hundred visits. Either way, there will not be real change. Sure, you have told him what you want. Has he told you, in specifics, what he wants? Is he happy with the way things are? Does he know what the problem is? Is this just the way he sees himself and his life?
Author messed up Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 He told me he loves the counsellor, because she calls him on his crap. He is not happy the way things are. He won't share what he needs. He said his goal for counselling is to find out if there is anything left to save. We have the parenting plan, custody papers all done. We both seem to freak, when its time to tell the kids and his parents. He said he doesn't know what the problem is. He said that something has always been missing.
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Would you say he is a decision maker or someone who has a problem making decisions?? Ask yourself the same thing. With everything in place, yet not moving forward in either direction...are decisions being made or are things just hanging there? I mean, I get that you both feel you are figuring out which direction you want to go in...but from what you say, I get the feeling you know you want out.
Author messed up Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I was the one that wanted to end it, because after yrs of begging him to open up, I gave up last Aug. He said he knew that things were going down a bad path a couple of yrs ago, but decided not to do anything about it, even though I was begging him to take notice. Even after I told him I was gonna move out when I found a place, he still didn't open up. He didn't try, instead he bought new furniture, drafted the custody papers and rented the basement. He then told me in feb, that he wanted me to move out before june. I got very upset and told him that all I ever wanted was for us to have a loving relationship, not live like roomates. I told him our options were to try counselling or just split and never really know if it was the right decsion. So we are in counselling that I set up. He will not make a decsion about anything. He won't even give an opinion about everyday things. He says I'm black and white and he is gray. He doesn't like to disappoint anyone. When I was pregnant with our son, he was 25 at the time and avoiding it. I had to sit in his parents house and tell them myself, because he didn't want to tell them. My family believes in being open and honest and his family sweeps everything under the carpet. He told me even though I have never done anything to him, that after all these years his doesn't trust me. He says he trusts nobody.
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