TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Hi guys, just wanted your opinion on something. I have a lot of old gifts from my ex (5.5 years) some are personal, like photo albums with notes like "This has been amazing 3 years, I hope we're together for the rest of our lives" and some less personal like dvds. I feel like getting rid of ALL of these things but I don't know if its sensible. I was also thinking I could just give them back to her (through a friend, NC 6 weeks ), because she might want them, if not she can throw them out. What do you guys think? Secondly there are gifts I gave her. I don't care what she does with most of them but there is a necklace that I gave her about a month before we broke up. In photos I've seen of her recently she is always wearing it (even in photos of her with the new guy), clearly this has no sentimental value to her (it was a birthday present), but to me it does. I don't want it back, but I don't want to hear it anymore and preferably I'd rather she got rid of it. Do you think this is reasonable at all? I thought maybe I'd just write a small note when I got my mutual friend to drop stuff off saying: "Sorry I have to return this stuff. I would appreciate it if you didn't wear any jewelery I gave you anymore. I don't want it back, ideally get rid of it." I am not trying to hurt her or anything, I just want it out of my life. Note: its hard not to see photos of her because we have many mutual friends so I see then while browsing other photos. I have deleted her on facebook ect and photos of her from my computer.
bluewolf17 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 First off, SMART MOVE in deleting your Facebook. You are not ready to see what she has on hers, and she shouldn't have the PRIVALAGE of getting to know what is going on with you. It's better to be a mystery. Secondly-If you gave her a gift, it's a gift. Leave it alone. Asking for it back, or asking her to not wear it, it just going to show her how upset/immature you are. (I am not saying YOU ARE immature, but that action is). Its hers to wear or not wear. Don't put too much value on it. And TRY TO NOT LOOK AT PHOTOS! Anything you have from the relationship (photos, ticket stubs, presents) should be put in a box and put away. Far away. If you really want to, burn it or throw it away. Although from personal experience, I have kept all old exboyfriend memories, and now that I am over them, its nice to look at them every now and then and remember. I would have regretted tossing them out. You do NOT have to give anything back. If she hasn't asked for anything back, then she doesn't want it. Sorry to be blunt, but its true. To be honest, this just seems like a attempt from you to contact her, have her see your "old memories" and hope it stirs somthing. Don't do it. My advice, let her keep the necklace, and box up anything that reminds you of her. Best of luck, I know it's hard. I'm going through it too. I bought my ex a $1000 canoe for Christmas, and it has been sitting in my backyard since then, unused. He asked if he could have it back when we were "reconciling" but he never did get it. Now that we are absolutly done, I sold it on Craigslist and kept the money. If he has the nerve to ask for it now that we haven't spoken in forever, then he's a jerk.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Okay yeah you're right asking her not to wear it is a immature.. I won't do that. Ugg.. I was about to start writing "I don't think its how it seems" but who am I kidding, you're right. If she does want the stuff she left at my place (there are some completely mundane items like pairs of socks) then she would have asked for it. I'll just get rid of it all, its not valuable. Funny how quickly an outside perspective can make you see the true intention of your thoughts. Thanks
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 You gave her the jewelery as a gift. Its hers. She can wear it, or toss it, or give it away. Sadly, this is just something you are going to have to let go of. To contact her and ask her not to wear it, will put you in a bad light and not get results.
Author TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Yeah.. you're totally right. I guess deep down I don't want to believe that it hasn't got the sentimental value for her that it does for me. But you're right, I won't bring it up with her or any of my friends.
notalone Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Don't ask her not to wear the neckless. It's immature and honestly, she would probabaly have a good snigger and an egoboost for still having so much of emotional power over you. Put all her gifts in a big box, ducttape it and put away in your basement. I would not advise burning them off because as impossible as it may seem now, some day in the distant future you would look at them and smile. Time and hindsight tend to colour everything rose. Besides, those gifts represent happier times. Just because it didn't end well, don't deny the happiness it once gave you.
LadyV Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Yes, I wouldn't ask for gifts back either. What I did with my XBF stuff is I packed it away in a box and put it in my storage unit along with letters, cards, and pictures that I saved on a disc. To be honest, I don't know if I am going to keep the stuff, we have been broken up for 2 months now, but in NC for 29 days. Good job on your 6 weeks NC! That is awesome!!! As far as FB...GOOD FOR YOU for deleting her off. When my XBF and I started talking again after our last and final break up, I asked him to please block me. I called him crying telling him I can't stand to look at his page. He didn't want to because he said he wanted to see how I was doing and come by my page. I told him it was way to painful for me to go by there and see whatever it was that he was doing...plus I had no right. So he did. I since then went private. Only people on my friends list can see what I am doing. We have a few mutual friends on FB, one including his sister. Thank goodness I am blocked because I can't see any comments he leaves on her site. The other day I came across a picture in my temporary files. Amazing how just a picture can send my heart racing and me into an anxiety attack. I deleted it right away. I don't want any reminders untill I am through. Sometimes, putting the stuff away is hard...trust me. Even though it is still stuff, it is a reminder of what we once where. I used to have a hard time walking into my bedroom, or even getting out of the shower because I was would think of the mornings I would get up, shower, walk out of my bedroom to see him still sleeping in my bed... It isn't nearly as hard as it used to be though.... You are doing awesome with the NC. Stick to it....It will be the fastest way for you to heal...and as far as the stuff? But it in a box, duct tape it shut and put it away....but only when you are really ready and wanting to....
LadyV Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Time and hindsight tend to colour everything rose. Besides, those gifts represent happier times. Just because it didn't end well, don't deny the happiness it once gave you. I love what you say here Notalone!!!! So very true!!!! When my XH and I split, I put every single picture away...our wedding, pictures of us together as a family. I can now look at those things and smile...but it has also been 2 years since our split, and we also get a long now too...But so true....I can honestly say that I look at those things and I can remember the happier times and not feel horrible about things...
Author TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Thanks for all the advice guys. Yeah I wasn't planning on asking for any gifts back, It was just this necklace because I felt quite sentimental about it (I flew to where she was at the time to give it to her and be with her on her birthday; we had an amazing time), but everyones right, I have no right to say anything about it now. Pictures stuff are really hard LadyV. I had a picture of her up on my wall until pretty recently that I just couldn't bring myself to take down. Plus since we shared the room for 2 years there are plenty of things that remind me of her (I stayed in the room, no choice). You know I was doing pretty good until quite recently. I know it probably sounds like what everyone says.. but it really feels like things just aren't right, I can't explain it, separate from the sadness, it just feels like wrong.
Ingenue Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I'd also advise against contacting the ex to place demands on how your gift to her should be worn. As a gift, you relinquish all rights and expectations of use once it leaves your hands. In terms of the physical and symbolic memories, place them in a box out of sight. This provides you with the distance to lessen the emotional attachment you have with them. In time, you can reassess whether you want to discard them or not. I placed my ex's gifts in a box in my closet. I spent 5+ years with him and there were a lot of gifts and memories that I wasn't initially prepared to trash. Now, after almost 1 year, I'm ready to donate some of them, sell some of them and throw others out. I have the memories of the relationship and I've kept small mementos that I'll probably look back on fondly. But I couldn't objectively assess what I wanted to keep until I gave myself distance. Since you shared physical space with your ex, it might be a good idea to rearrange furniture, but a new piece or two and change the general layout so it appears to have a fresh look and feel.
LadyV Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Since you shared physical space with your ex, it might be a good idea to rearrange furniture, but a new piece or two and change the general layout so it appears to have a fresh look and feel. I like this!!! Very true...In the book I read: "It's Called A Break UP Because It's Broken" it says the same thing...rearrange furniture, or re-decorate, if you can afford to. BigCow, hang in there...I know, sometimes it just hits like a ton of bricks...but the more you allow yourself to feel it, you will get through it!!! Allow time to heal you...and allow yourself to grieve because it is a loss....Someone who was a very big part of your life is no longer in it.... I remember how hard it was to look at pictures of my XH and I. But now I think about those moments and remember that they were good times together...we shared 13 years together...I can honestly look at those pictures now and smile. A year ago, it was still hard for me to do. XBF and I weren't together for very long, but we took pictures, he would send me pictures all the time on my phone and I did the same for him. I had to just put it all away because to look at it, reminds me of the pain he put me through. I am sure in time I will be able to look at those pictures and remember what we shared. He was my first relationship after my divorce. He showed me that yes, I can love again...even though in the end I got hurt, it will make me stronger, but for right now, I just need to still grieve and keep those "artifacts" in the storage unit!!! Hang in there, BigCow....Keep posting. The support here is tremendous!!! It helps to know that there are so many other's here that offer advice, and reminds me that I am not the only one trying to get through this heartbreak and loss....
Author TheBigCow Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks guys, moving stuff around is a good idea and In a way I've been forced to do it, she took most of the furniture haha. I really though I had accepted this but I'm seriously going backwards every day :S Today I was remembering her telling me that I was amazing and she wouldn't leave me, she was in fact worried I would leave her for someone else. I was just so damn sure about this girl and I was so damn sure she felt the same way and then it came out of no where.. how can anyone ever feel safe in a relationship! I would have laughed in your face if you'd said we were going to break up 1 week before we did! Ah jeez I honestly thought I was past this point :S LadyV, I don't think anyone except those experiencing it (and maybe others who have been through it) can fully relate to this. One kind of sad thing for me is, I had a friend who got dumped after I was 2 months into my breakup, he was pretty mad in love with his girl. But he's made it through and is seriously into his recovery.. I feel like everyone is leaving me in the dust! (I am happy for him though)
Author TheBigCow Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Hey guys I was talking to a mutual friend just before and she said that my X has been asking how I was and what I'm up to. Please just briefly convince me this means nothing.. I really don't want to start getting my hopes up.
lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hi guys, just wanted your opinion on something. I have a lot of old gifts from my ex (5.5 years) some are personal, like photo albums with notes like "This has been amazing 3 years, I hope we're together for the rest of our lives" and some less personal like dvds. I feel like getting rid of ALL of these things but I don't know if its sensible. I was also thinking I could just give them back to her (through a friend, NC 6 weeks ), because she might want them, if not she can throw them out. What do you guys think? Secondly there are gifts I gave her. I don't care what she does with most of them but there is a necklace that I gave her about a month before we broke up. In photos I've seen of her recently she is always wearing it (even in photos of her with the new guy), clearly this has no sentimental value to her (it was a birthday present), but to me it does. I don't want it back, but I don't want to hear it anymore and preferably I'd rather she got rid of it. Do you think this is reasonable at all? I thought maybe I'd just write a small note when I got my mutual friend to drop stuff off saying: "Sorry I have to return this stuff. I would appreciate it if you didn't wear any jewelery I gave you anymore. I don't want it back, ideally get rid of it." I am not trying to hurt her or anything, I just want it out of my life. Note: its hard not to see photos of her because we have many mutual friends so I see then while browsing other photos. I have deleted her on facebook ect and photos of her from my computer. My X dumped me for a second time so almost all of his stuff that he made/left behind has been dumped in the garbage. I shredded all the cards, photos ect. Some people like to keep pictures I guess to remind them of that part of their life. As for the necklace, it doesn't matter what type of sentimental value you feel it has. It is her necklace and obvisiouly she likes it. I still wear my engagement ring on my opposite hand from my X. He had a special cut diamond put in it and engraved, but I like it so I wear it on my other hand. Same thing I did with my wedding bands for years after I left my xhusband.
lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hey guys I was talking to a mutual friend just before and she said that my X has been asking how I was and what I'm up to. Please just briefly convince me this means nothing.. I really don't want to start getting my hopes up. I wouldn't get your hopes up. It might not mean anything that she was asking. If she wanted to be with you or really know how your doing she would contact you.
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