dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 So yeah... I've been doing my best with NC with D, and just forget about him. However, I have failed to hit the ignore and delete button. For some odd strange reason, I am unable to get into myspace, so now all contact is via IM, offline messages. A lot of them. A lot. Of how he misses me, likes me a lot, was looking forward to doing a lot of stuff together, how he's not a bad person, and so on and so on. How he hopes there is a chance I still want to see him. YET, he also claims he didn't do anything wrong. Things have been happening that he cannot control. The few responses I've given, (I know I'll get yelled at for responding), was basically it was rude for him not to contact me and tell me what was up. That I don't like everything being last minute. He could have picked up the phone. That he is responsible for his actions and emotions (all his defensiviness and emotional drama coaster he's been on since I first said, this aint working). Just as I am to be responsible for mine, being my anxiety and insecurities. I told him what I want out of a man, and that it has taken me a long time to learn to speak for myself, and that will not change. As he told me before that I was being harsh and mean. I said, I'm not being mean or harsh, I am, however, asserting what it is I want and deserve. Sigh... I know you all are going to tell me to move on.
likestolaugh Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 all this stress can't be good for you. I think you should just lay off dating for a while...
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 So yeah... I've been doing my best with NC with D, and just forget about him. However, I have failed to hit the ignore and delete button. For some odd strange reason, I am unable to get into myspace, so now all contact is via IM, offline messages. A lot of them. A lot. Of how he misses me, likes me a lot, was looking forward to doing a lot of stuff together, how he's not a bad person, and so on and so on. How he hopes there is a chance I still want to see him. YET, he also claims he didn't do anything wrong. Things have been happening that he cannot control. The few responses I've given, (I know I'll get yelled at for responding), was basically it was rude for him not to contact me and tell me what was up. That I don't like everything being last minute. He could have picked up the phone. That he is responsible for his actions and emotions (all his defensiviness and emotional drama coaster he's been on since I first said, this aint working). Just as I am to be responsible for mine, being my anxiety and insecurities. I told him what I want out of a man, and that it has taken me a long time to learn to speak for myself, and that will not change. As he told me before that I was being harsh and mean. I said, I'm not being mean or harsh, I am, however, asserting what it is I want and deserve. Sigh... I know you all are going to tell me to move on. It continues because you are continuing it. This could all be solved by deleting him and to stop replying. Honestly Dreamer, at this point, all confusion/drama going forward is because you're fanning the flames. It's quite simple really - ignore him.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 No Dreamer, you're making yourself vulnerable by letting him know what you want from him as opposed to him figuring out and working towards making you happy. And he sounds like such a drama queen. I think you have to figure out if you want to pursue anything further with him or give me another chance. I'm starting to imagine a relationship where you have a leash on him telling him to sit when you want him to sit because you know well enough he won't do it on his own. We all know he's not clueless, he merely doesn't feel like he needs to make an effort unless prompted to.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I know it continues because I continue. I just don't know why I keep continuing it. Why does it have to be difficult for me to just say screw it? Sometimes I feel like maybe I was being too harsh, maybe I wasn't making the right choice. I don't feel stressed or anxious though, just second guessing myself.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Who cares what he says, all that matters is what he does, or doesn't do. His words don't match his actions here. Are you paying attention? He's TELLING you that he's unreliable, and he's SHOWING you the same thing. That's the only thing you can believe in. We're talking about a guy who says that he likes you sooooooooo much, but yet couldn't find a way to see you after making plans with you because "his front tires went bad," despite the fact he doesn't live that far away and isn't facing a torrential downpour. Moreover, he didn't even have the decency to pick up the phone to tell you, the girl he claims he likes sooooooooo much, that he wasn't going to make it. He took the risk that you wouldn't even get his message, and now he's still writing to you, not calling. Why are you even responding to him?? You're turning into Paper, Dreamer.....
paddington bear Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Hard to move on when the person you like is telling you all the things you want to hear and is bombarding you with messages. Also hard not to respond when you want to tell the person exactly what you think of them. However, as YOU KNOW, he will just revert back into the same behaviour again if you agree to see him again. Ok, maybe not the first time, but then he'll slip back into his old ways. As someone mentioned in another post, he's doing this because he doesn't want to be seen as a 'bad person' and is trying his best for you to actually validate that. So he is trying his damndest to make you say that in fact yes, his actions were fine really, that you over-reacted, that you are the one with the problem, instead of him owning up to the fact that he was a bit wishy-washy about the whole thing. Also, while we all want someone else to validate us in some way - this is why all the game playing rules type books flourish, because on some level it works. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen and all of that. But the thing is, yes, it's working, you've got his attention, he's begging you to see that he didn't mean to be like this or that, that he has a lot on his mind right now, blah blah, ultimately when he thinks he 'has' you again, he'll be off doing the same old same old, which means you'd have to pull the NC stunt again, he comes back, repeat pattern. In the long run, it's just too much stress. Bottom line: He either wants to date you, or he doesn't. His actions so far have shown that he doesn't. Don't listen to his words, unless they match his actions (as was pointed out to me in a post about which to listen to actions or words). He has to prove to you with actions that he's not going to be so flaky, all the emails in the world don't make up for him actually turning up to an arranged date.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I know it continues because I continue. I just don't know why I keep continuing it. Why does it have to be difficult for me to just say screw it? Sometimes I feel like maybe I was being too harsh, maybe I wasn't making the right choice. I don't feel stressed or anxious though, just second guessing myself. Because you're still holding on to the " maybe..." Maybe he'll come around, which he did by bombarding you with emails and ims about how he likes you, etc... and it's playing into your fantasy that maybe it will work out.
Kamille Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 So yeah... I've been doing my best with NC with D, and just forget about him. However, I have failed to hit the ignore and delete button. For some odd strange reason, I am unable to get into myspace, so now all contact is via IM, offline messages. A lot of them. A lot. Of how he misses me, likes me a lot, was looking forward to doing a lot of stuff together, how he's not a bad person, and so on and so on. How he hopes there is a chance I still want to see him. YET, he also claims he didn't do anything wrong. Things have been happening that he cannot control. The few responses I've given, (I know I'll get yelled at for responding), was basically it was rude for him not to contact me and tell me what was up. That I don't like everything being last minute. He could have picked up the phone. That he is responsible for his actions and emotions (all his defensiviness and emotional drama coaster he's been on since I first said, this aint working). Just as I am to be responsible for mine, being my anxiety and insecurities. I told him what I want out of a man, and that it has taken me a long time to learn to speak for myself, and that will not change. As he told me before that I was being harsh and mean. I said, I'm not being mean or harsh, I am, however, asserting what it is I want and deserve. Sigh... I know you all are going to tell me to move on. I don't get why he's so hellbent on saying that he's not a bad person. No one said he was. What you said was that some of his actions caused you to feel insecure and you have suggested ways that would make you feel special. How much of a roadmap those the guy need? More importantly, why is he making this all about him? I wouldn't want to be with someone who took me asserting my needs or expressing my emotions as personal reproaches. You have to decide if this is the kind of drama you can handle in your life. If it isn't, then we need to figure out why you would put up with it.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 You're turning into Paper, Dreamer..... Geez, i never said I wanted to set an example....
Author dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 We dated for like three weeks, why does he care what I think of him so badly? It is not as if we were together for years.
Kamille Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 We dated for like three weeks, why does he care what I think of him so badly? It is not as if we were together for years. Answer: the boy has issues. And I don't think it should be up to you to coddle him.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 We dated for like three weeks, why does he care what I think of him so badly? It is not as if we were together for years. he wants you to feed his ego....
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Because you rebuffed him and now he's pursuing that which moves away. We covet what we can't have. Simple as that. The guy sounds like a loser - so why waste more of your time on this guy? Stop replying to his sorry ass and go keep yourself busy. Think of the energy you could spend at the gym, than on Bad Tire Buddy.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I don't even like games, and I'm not even trying to play them. Yeah, it is hard for me to walk away. Thanks for the feedback guys, I need to be reminded sometimes.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 We dated for like three weeks, why does he care what I think of him so badly? Why do you care so much??? Why is it so hard to walk away from a guy you "dated" (VERY CASUALLY) for 21 DAYS? Honestly, you've started how many threads about this guy...?? Not saying you should stop posting, but you care WAY TOO MUCH about this guy.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Why do you care so much??? Why is it so hard to walk away from a guy you "dated" (VERY CASUALLY) for 21 DAYS? Honestly, you've started how many threads about this guy...?? Not saying you should stop posting, but you care WAY TOO MUCH about this guy. Ah yes, many threads started lately. I've been writing more when I get anxious. I don't know why I care so much and why it's hard for me. I don't have the answers for that right now. Not that I should go, but the final IM from him was asking me to see him on Wednesday.
Star Gazer Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Not that I should go, but the final IM from him was asking me to see him on Wednesday. And you unequivocally said NO, right??
Kamille Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 As you know, I'm currently in a dating situation which makes some friends and loveshackers - and loveshacker friends - uncomfortable. The bottom line as I understand it for everyone is this: "as long as he adds to your life, then enjoy it." The difference between my situation and yours is this: I have yet to run into any drama. I have yet to doubt any of his actions. He makes me feel cherished. We can discuss issues as they come up, knowing that we both mean each other well. He listens to what I have to say, without becoming defensive and without judging it. Your situation sounds like it's already a tug-of-war and you have only been dating three weeks. So my question is this: does the good outweigh the bad here? And Dreamer, I think what you have to be careful about is that you have a tendency to take too much responsibility when things go wrong in your Relationships. You blame yourself, rather then assessing the man in front of you. Sure, you're not perfect, but someone who loves you will want to work with you through those issues, not take advantage of them to stroke their own egos.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 And you unequivocally said NO, right?? Actually I didn't even respond. As you know, I'm currently in a dating situation which makes some friends and loveshackers - and loveshacker friends - uncomfortable. The bottom line as I understand it for everyone is this: "as long as he adds to your life, then enjoy it." The difference between my situation and yours is this: I have yet to run into any drama. I have yet to doubt any of his actions. He makes me feel cherished. We can discuss issues as they come up, knowing that we both mean each other well. He listens to what I have to say, without becoming defensive and without judging it. Your situation sounds like it's already a tug-of-war and you have only been dating three weeks. So my question is this: does the good outweigh the bad here? And Dreamer, I think what you have to be careful about is that you have a tendency to take too much responsibility when things go wrong in your Relationships. You blame yourself, rather then assessing the man in front of you. Sure, you're not perfect, but someone who loves you will want to work with you through those issues, not take advantage of them to stroke their own egos. Ah Kamille, you know me too well. I do often blame myself. It's a pattern I must learn to stop.
Star Gazer Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Actually I didn't even respond. Why not? Why not tell him you've moved on? Why let him keep giving you pellets of attention? You're trying to keep the door open, aren't you?
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