bf broke up w/ me and....

[BHOLD]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and he doesn't know and I'm not telling him.

 

We have been together for 2 years. It seems as he has found someone else that interests him. He did not say so, but I could tell. He was constantly checking his cell, took it with him when he went to walk the dog, disappeared in stores to text etc.

 

I know when someone catches your interest, there is nothing that can be done to make you not want to pursue it. So we broke up.

 

I went nc and have only spoken to him once since...it was before I knew. Two weeks ago it was confirmed. I decided not to bring it up because:

1. I know how he feels. He doesn't want to be a dad.
   
2. Timing...I don't want him to view this as an attempt by me to get back together.
   
3. I don't want to have the discussion of other options. I have made up my mind.
   
4. He's happy with whomever he's dating & I'm happy expecting.
   So I feel it's best to leave things as is.
   

Anyway there's no law that says I have to disclose....right?

[hoping2heal]

Firstly,

 

WANTING and NOT WANTING to be a dad means absolute sh*t once the baby comes. For example, My mom wanted to wait to have children for a few years once she realised she wasn't prego after they had a scare, my dad more or less told her if she didn't agree to get prego he would leave her for someone who was willing. In the end, my mom turned out to be the doting parent, and my father couldn't give a sh*t brick on a tin roof about us.

 

Yeah, maybe he doesn't want to be a dad right now, but men who can have sex can have children. Were you one of those freak accident cases of using birth control to the perfect measure and got prego anyhow? If not, then I don't even want to hear it from him. If you were, again this is a risk everyone takes.

 

Anyhow, the point is wether you two plan to date or not is irrelevant, this is an innocent child who deserves to have a father, and doesn't deserve to have that right taken away from him because you're worried about your wounded pride or you might somehow be inconvinienced. Do whatever you wish with your life for as long as you'd like. But do not make unfair and rash decisions when it involves someone elses life, especially 2 people that are rendered helpless (the baby and the father who doesn't know).

[BHOLD]

I don't no what it is, but I just can't bring myself to contact him and tell him the news.

 

I mean really, from now until the baby arrives there isn't much he can do. I don't know what role he can play.

[TaraMaiden]

If you're going to have the baby, then he has a legal right to know he is a father.

If he discovers this when the baby is born, he could go to court to make enable him take a paternity test. he might say no way now, but who can tell?

 

And frankly?

It takes two to tango.

Why should yopu physically bear the burden of having a child AND be completely and uniquely responsible for bringing it up?

If he did not want children, he should have kept his pirolino in his pants.

 

He may not wish to be a presence in the child's life but it is genetically and medically 50% his.

he owes you some kind of financial support for the child. It's not easy bringing up a child alone.

Furthermore, if by some bizarre happening, your child has an illness that is genetically passed on, it is important to record it and that he or she knows who their father is.... even if it is just for the medical records.

 

No, I'm sorry, but you have to tell him.

 

Who cares what he thinks your reasons are?

The child is half his, and he should know this.

 

Get someone else to tell him if you want. But it's important he is informed.

[BHOLD]

I'm Ok telling him AFTER the baby arrives. Just don't want to do it now. I can't cope with his resistance. He will pressure me to consider other options. He will manipulate me into thinking if I agree to his wishes we might have a chance to get back together.

 

If he wants a paternity test after the baby is born, so be.

 

I know I should tell him asap, but he is happily seeing someone else.

Timing just really suxs. He will surely view this as me trying to get back together with him.

 

I have accepted our split and am just really focusing on myself now.

 

I read somewhere that an unwed biological father has no rights during the pregnancy anyhow. He's not entitled to access to me, my doctor or any of my medical records durning my pregnancy. His rights only begins once the child is born. If this is the case, it should be ok to tell him after the baby arrives....correct?

[redy2]

id tell him. my on and again off again girl told me she was. i mean there is a lot of planning to be done during the interm. carseat, crib,etc baby stuff doesnt come cheap. so i mean there is a lot to discuss and you shouldnt have to go it alone. just dont do it with the intention of like ur wanting to get back together. when you talk should be about the baby and not past relationship issues. if that makes any sense to you.

[BHOLD]

id tell him. my on and again off again girl told me she was. i mean there is a lot of planning to be done during the interm. carseat, crib,etc baby stuff doesnt come cheap. so i mean there is a lot to discuss and you shouldnt have to go it alone. just dont do it with the intention of like ur wanting to get back together. when you talk should be about the baby and not past relationship issues. if that makes any sense to you.

 

 

Thank you for a guy's point of view. Really appreciate it.

He will not be as receptive as you have been. I would rather go it alone than to meet his resistance. Maybe, telling after first trimester would be best. Eliminate discussion of any possible other options.

 

BTW...congrats on your little one:)

[TaraMaiden]

No, don't tell him after the baby arrives.

That also sounds sneaky.

 

"Why didn't you tell me before? Why spring it on me now? I don't believe you...."

 

Tell him when it is too late to have a termination.

That way, he cannot try to manipulate you.

[BHOLD]

Yesterday I tried. I dialed his number, but hung up before it connected. Started to send an email, but deleted it. Typed a text message, never hit send. I can not bring myself to tell him.

 

So many mixed emotions. I'm happy about the baby. Knowing he will not share my joy saddens me. The timining of our split makes it all the more difficult to discuss with him.

 

I'm afraid the feelings I still have for him will lead the conversation into a territory that should not be revisited. I am afraid he will hate me. I'm afraid to hear about how this will affect his new relationship. I don't want to hear his opposing views.

 

Telling him will only create more anxiety. Wondering when he will call to check on me, worrying why he hasn't visited, feeling sorry for myself that the love we shared is now directed else where.

 

As long as I keep to myself, I don't have to address these self defeating thoughts. I just rather chart this course alone...for now.

[BHOLD]

OK...I finally got up the nerve to text him last night. I was nice, and said Hi, please give me a call, I have something I need to discuss with you.

 

I haven't heard from him. He's obviously thinking he needs to maintain nc, or he just really don't care. I'm not chasing him. Sooner or later he will find out.

[redy2]

thanks for the update and sorry to hear that. mine decided she wanted to go it all alone. so im sort of stuck to.

[dont_understand]

I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 2 1/2 weeks after my bf broke up with me (I am now 7 weeks). I told him right away. At first he said he wanted to get back together and try to work things out....2-3 days later, he was gone. Said he doesn't want to be a father and that he will not have this "mistake" come anywhere near him or his family. Seeing as though you've already made that initial effort to tell him about the pregnancy and he didn't respond, I wouldn't try again. I wish I didn't tell my ex the news of my pregnancy so soon after our break-up. In fact, I do wish I had waited until after the baby was born so he would at least get the opportunity to lay his eyes on his son/daughter one time before making such a rash decision....but oh well, his decision is what it is. Looks like I am doing this alone. Be strong!

[BHOLD]

I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 2 1/2 weeks after my bf broke up with me (I am now 7 weeks). I told him right away. At first he said he wanted to get back together and try to work things out....2-3 days later, he was gone. Said he doesn't want to be a father and that he will not have this "mistake" come anywhere near him or his family. Seeing as though you've already made that initial effort to tell him about the pregnancy and he didn't respond, I wouldn't try again. I wish I didn't tell my ex the news of my pregnancy so soon after our break-up. In fact, I do wish I had waited until after the baby was born so he would at least get the opportunity to lay his eyes on his son/daughter one time before making such a rash decision....but oh well, his decision is what it is. Looks like I am doing this alone. Be strong!

 

Just WOW. Such harsh words coming from someone who use to love you. I'm afraid I may hear pretty much the same thing as my ex is a self absorbed a-hole.

 

When you say he's "gone", did he just up and disappear? Do you know how to reach him if you had to?

 

My ex is a late bloomer and he feels he still has a lot of living to do before he settles down with a family.

 

I still have not heard from him (sigh).

[TaraMaiden]

I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 2 1/2 weeks after my bf broke up with me (I am now 7 weeks). I told him right away. At first he said he wanted to get back together and try to work things out....2-3 days later, he was gone. Said he doesn't want to be a father and that he will not have this "mistake" come anywhere near him or his family. ....but oh well, his decision is what it is. Looks like I am doing this alone. Be strong!

 

Just WOW. Such harsh words coming from someone who use to love you. I'm afraid I may hear pretty much the same thing as my ex is a self absorbed a-hole.(. . .)

My ex is a late bloomer and he feels he still has a lot of living to do before he settles down with a family.

 

I still have not heard from him (sigh).

Well, I hate to say it, but these guys cannot simply walk away from a responsibility like this.

This isn't the 19th century. It's not some Victorian melodrama where the man can just was his hands of the deal completely.

dont-undertstand, he might well have "said he doesn't want to be a father and that he will not have this "mistake" come anywhere near him or his family." but you know what? In that case, he shouldn't have put it around. He doesn't have a choice. He has fathered a child, and he has a soically legal responsibility to do something about it.

Both you and BHOLD can still obtain satisfaction by going through the families.

Contact their parents, and tell them that you need to speak to them urgently. In your case, dont-understand, tell his parents exactly what has happened.

BHOLD, just ask them to tell him to get in touch with you, as there is something you need to discuss with him.

Both of you be level-headed and calm.

But however much they just want this issue to go away, that's just not the way it works any more.

They can try to ostracise you as much as they want.

it does not alter the fact that they are 50% genetically responsible for the children in your wombs, and that they have to know about it and face it.

[dont_understand]

When you say he's "gone", did he just up and disappear? Do you know how to reach him if you had to?

 

Yes, I know how to reach him if I wanted to...would he respond is a different story. The last time I saw him, he took a void cheque and told me to notify him when the baby's been born and he'll start depositing money into my account every month. The last time I talked to him was Saturday when he essentially told me to stop bothering him with this crap....his mind is made up and he's not changing it.

 

TaraMaiden, I already threatened the ex about going to his family. He told me he'd get a restraining order against me if he had to...just ridiculous. I almost have no desire to try to pursue it anymore. He has said horrible, horrible things including calling this baby a bastard child. He is old school Roman Catholic-Italian and says this child will bring nothing but shame and suffering to his family. At least he is willing to pay his "hush money" for his dirty secret as he is legally obligated to financially support this child, but not emotionally.

[BHOLD]

When you say he's "gone", did he just up and disappear? Do you know how to reach him if you had to?

 

Yes, I know how to reach him if I wanted to...would he respond is a different story. The last time I saw him, he took a void cheque and told me to notify him when the baby's been born and he'll start depositing money into my account every month. The last time I talked to him was Saturday when he essentially told me to stop bothering him with this crap....his mind is made up and he's not changing it.

 

TaraMaiden, I already threatened the ex about going to his family. He told me he'd get a restraining order against me if he had to...just ridiculous. I almost have no desire to try to pursue it anymore. He has said horrible, horrible things including calling this baby a bastard child. He is old school Roman Catholic-Italian and says this child will bring nothing but shame and suffering to his family. At least he is willing to pay his "hush money" for his dirty secret as he is legally obligated to financially support this child, but not emotionally.

 

Probably best not to pursue him anymore. His reaction and harsh words will only cause you additional stress. I hope you are over him emotionally and can fully focus on yourself and baby. He will most likely contact you at some point in the future before the baby arrives.

 

I can not hold out the same hope. My ex doesn't know, and won't respond back to me. This is not the type of thing I want to tell him via text or email. I don't get why he will not contact me. He essentially broke up with me without any fight. He just wanted to see other people I guess. I haven't put up a fuss. Just said OK and tried to move on. But now I will look like the bad guy because I haven't told him. I have enough on my plate than to chase someone down who doesn't want to be found.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden, I already threatened the ex about going to his family. He told me he'd get a restraining order against me if he had to...just ridiculous. I almost have no desire to try to pursue it anymore. He has said horrible, horrible things including calling this baby a bastard child. He is old school Roman Catholic-Italian and says this child will bring nothing but shame and suffering to his family. At least he is willing to pay his "hush money" for his dirty secret as he is legally obligated to financially support this child, but not emotionally.

 

Calling the baby a bastard child? Oh please, give me a break....!!

It takes one to know one.....!

Your child's status may be an accident of birth, but your ex- is a self-made man....!

 

"Old-school Roman Catholic" be damned, he's trying to deposit all guilt and responsibility for this child on your shoulders. And it's not going tyo work, is it? He's being sadistic and manipulative, and he can go fry in a hot place....!

He would never be able to get a restraining order on you if all you are doing is securing a financial security for his child.

He's just trying to scare you.

I love the self-righteous high-handed tone. It's laughable!

If anybody has brought shame and suffering on his family it is him. He is terrified of what they will say. About him.

 

Don't threaten to tell his family.

 

TELL HIS FAMILY!!!

The restraining order is all hot air, because he can only do that once you have gotten in touch. And by then, it will be too late.

 

And you don't want any emotional input from him.

In fact, the farther he stays away from your child, the better.

If he attempts any interference, you will take out a restraining order on HIM!

 

Come on, girl. Show some schutzpah!!

This is not some minor little indiscretion, here. It's the life of a breathing human being - that he is responsible for!!!

[sandy12345678993]

My ex disapeared about a week before I knew I was pregnant. I suspected I might be and was sitting on a plane about ready to come home from a vacation. I told him I had to talk to him about something important. He asked if it was good or bad. I told him it depended on what he thought about it. I never mentioned that I thought I was prengant, but I never heard from him after that. I fought like hell to find him again during my pregnancy. He lived about 3 hours away from me, and seemed to be moving constantly and changed his phone number even more. What I did find was his wife and a baby (he "forgot" to tell me about them), and someone who vaguely talked about being his father, but never did a damn thing. I still tried to make him want my son for 2 years. After his 2nd birthday I realized he's never tried to do anything and he's not going to do anything for him. That hurt like hell, but there's nothing I coud do. I did everything in my power. He only saw my son once when he was 2 months old. I went to see him. He touched him, but he didn't hold him. He said he was too little for him to hold. I think he feared becoming attached. I've filed for child support, but I don't expect anything to come from it. He can't seem to keep a job. The wife is now an ex-wife, and we're friends. He sees their child every so often. I'm not alone. At the last count, there were 5 of his children in about 3 different states. I never tried to contact his family, besides his wife, after I knew who they were. I have his mom's phone number in case any medical emergency were to happen. She has been told about me and my son, but I heard through the grapevine that any paternity issues were her sons to deal with. I think she would probably talk to me, but I don't know for sure. She only lives 2 hours from me. It's all very unfortunate, and has been the source of my greatest heartache. His life is full of secrets and lies and dangers that I don't want to be involved with. So maybe it's better this way.

 

That's just my experience. I hope yours doesn't end the same. I hope your ex does the right thing, but if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world. And you, too, and your baby will survive.