Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I don't think she's letting this "man continue to cheat on her sister" my question was in response to marlena's hypothetical. She said she would not tell her sister, but say something to the theoretical BIL. Olivia has chosen to do what a sister should and make sure he doesn't go on cheating without her knowledge. Says here that he's done this before........maybe the sister doesn't care what he does. Maybe she's just happy to have someone. No matter how horrible you all in here think he is. And if thats the case, then Olivia can go on knowing that she gave her sister the info, and if her sis decides to stay with him, then she will have to create her own misery from then on. Olivia can rest assured that she did what she had to and her sister can decide for herself how to proceed. but Olivia did say that she was looking to leave him for other things. As far as your comment about "no matter how horrible [we] all in here think he is"...well apparantly her own sister thinks he is horrible to her, and not just because of the cheating either. Sounds to me like he mentally abuses her.
NoIDidn't Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I haven't read this whole thread but I know what I would do. I would not tell my sister. I would, however, have a cosy, not too pleasant chat with my BIL. Do you have a sister? IF so, are you close or distant? I am close AND distant with my sister, but I would tell her. She's my sister. I might still have a convo with my BIL, though.
Gamine Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 thank you for all the responses again, I have been so conflicted about this, it has torn me up for days, I believe all the responses that I should not keep this secret & I agree. so update. I called my T late yesterday and told her that I cannot keep this from my sis, I am going to tell her. If she has a mental breakdown because of it, then that is my burden to hold. I would never abandon my sister, I love her more than life and will be there for her always! I hope she understands, even if she decides to stay with BIL that I told her because I love her and we have no secrets. So the T said she respects my decision, she was only giving me things to consider for my wellbeing in case this went bad and caused a wedge between my sis & I. So that being said, she suggested myself and my H bring my sis to our next session & tell her with the T present. That is what we have decided to do, I asked my sis to go with us and we have a meeting set. My sis has been leaning towards leaving for a long time but in our conversations she states she just cant, she needs him too much and in some way with all they have been through, she feels he does love her. and of course they have a 1 year old too, which makes her want to stay. She is very unstable right now, very, she has the lowest self esteem and since of self worth I have ever seen. She blames herself for alot of their issues, she cant see his wrong in anything, of course she doesnt have this addl piece either. I can only hope this will not push her over the edge the wrong way, I hope the info empowers her to leave. I only pray..will give an update after meeting. thank you all Olivia, I will keep you, your sister, her baby and your husband in my prayers. You are a good sister. It is moments like these that define who we are. I have a feeling there's a place in heaven waiting for you. God bless.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Sorry I have not posted sooner, as you can imagine it has been a roller coaster. With the T present, we told her and she was shocked, she could not believe it had happened again--she has been in shock for days. She is hurt and confused and has made no decision as to the future, which I would not expect especially since a child is involved. I just want to thank everyone who helped and understood my OP. I will say for anyone contemplating such a situation, my sister did agree after we had time alone to talk, that telling her was the right call. Our relationship was strong enough to handle this, as I thought it would be. I just wanted to make sure she was strong enough and had all the tools to handle it herself. So I am at peace with the decision and pray for the future.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I'm glad that you told her, and it's good she isn't angry at you. I'm sure she understands what an uncomfortable position you were put in. Just love her, support her and help her through this. Her H is a real a-hole and doesn't deserve her! HIS loss, her gain, even though right now I'm sure she doesn't feel that way.. One day when she's healed, she'll look back and know getting rid of his cheating ass was the best thing for her and the family.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 did your sister confront BIL yet? Or is she pondering her confrontation?
Girlygal Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 i see that you told her, that is honestly the best possible solution. Glad you didnt keep it to yourself. If my H was running around and i found out later that my sis knew i would kill both of them, him for cheating and her for not protecting me. Hope all goes well in this situation!
Author olivia2501 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 dextermorgan, she has not confronted him yet, she is trying to decide what to do with the info, how to use it should we say? whether to spring now or during the D process if she goes that route. we firmly expect he will deny.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Your sis needs a lawyer to talk to about this stuff. She has to protect herself during this process. She can hire a PI, gather evidence. In the meantime she should try to act as normal as possible.. Also, (I'm sure she is doing this anyway) tell her not to have sex with him anymore!!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 dextermorgan, she has not confronted him yet, she is trying to decide what to do with the info, how to use it should we say? whether to spring now or during the D process if she goes that route. we firmly expect he will deny. well, just something to think about...even though he is a downright bastard....being a cheater, unfortunately, doesn't give her a leg up in divorce. And since she is the mother, she will get full custody if she wants it. So "what to do" with the info shouldn't really be an issue. She can use the info to file under the grounds of adultery...but its just a "reason" to divorce...doesn't give her any advantage. She can still force him to pay child support, take 1/2 of all the marital assets. Let him have the house, make him pay her 1/2 the equity in it, and take half his retirement. And if she is a stay at home mom, she'd have a good case for alimony...or that would give her negotiating power to take alimony off the table in exchange for even more of his retirement...etc. She really can have him by the balls....all she needs is to find a lawyer that plays dirty...get the lawyer with the biggest rep at doing this best...and if she decides to divorce him, and I don't see any reason not to, then she should NOT tell him in advance she wants a divorce. She talks to an attorney, gives him all the facts...financial information, EVERYTHING...let the attorney right up the filing for divorce and the day he gets served papers is the day he finds out.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 I hope I am wrong, but I have a bad feeling she is going to stay with him. She has spoken with an attorney but no peace. his family is very powerful, he is a doctor(surgeon to be exact) so he has all the money to fight her. his brother is in politics, and his father is a surgeon as well, his mom is just a stay at home witch that wants her grandchild to be just like her(needless to say there are no other grandchildren). we found the best attorney around & that is where she went, but basically lady attorney told her that they will drag everything out if she files, including her drinking she has used as a painkiller to cope with her H since their child was born(I did not realize she was drinking alot, per the attorney whether a little or a lot it is not good regardless when u care for the child 24/7) even though no physical harm as ever come to the child while she was drinking/she has no duis anything like that, no abuse, she drinks at home. Oh yes and since his indiscretions r old except for this most recent one which she has no proof, the past physical abuse is only 2 documented cases involving police & they are "old" per attorney, several cases of verbal abuse but again , no proof.. it might not even matter compared to drinking.... now she is terrified she will lose her child so she is at home. attorney said she needs to get herself together and come back if that takes a year! am I watching a movie here???? i am just at a loss and never heard of such!! what a tragedy
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I hope I am wrong, but I have a bad feeling she is going to stay with him. She has spoken with an attorney but no peace. his family is very powerful, he is a doctor(surgeon to be exact) so he has all the money to fight her. If it looks as if they are going to "fight" her, then all she has to do is tell the attorney to set a court date to have the judge decide. And if a judge decides, he/she will do it by the law. Which means she will be entitled to half the marital assets...etc..etc. And she WILL get custody unless she is a drug user or physically abuses her kids. So if they can't come to an agreement, you have the judge rule so her jerk husband can't prolong it. now she is terrified she will lose her child so she is at home. attorney said she needs to get herself together and come back if that takes a year! am I watching a movie here???? i am just at a loss and never heard of such!! what a tragedy I still don't think she would lose her child. What is her husband's occupation? If he is a workaholic, he can't take care of them and have custody. It would have to be pretty bad for your sister to lose custody. Ask her to talk to the attorney about having a judge make a ruling if it looks like they will try to drag it out. And also see if that is an option, to make sure the attorney knows that his family might try to influence the court and see what steps can be taken to make sure that comes to light.
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