Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Tell his sorry arse that he has one week to tell her or you will have to because she is your sister. That will move his butt and quick! NO!!! That will give him one week to come up with a lame ass story that the wife just might buy. he needs to be caught off guard and not have time to develop an alibi.
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 NO!!! That will give him one week to come up with a lame ass story that the wife just might buy. he needs to be caught off guard and not have time to develop an alibi. Exactly...NEVER give anyone warning of exposure. They'll just do damage control and spin it to make look like they're not doing anything wrong.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I saw my T today for clarification as to why I should not tell my sis. This is the same T that my sis and BIL used after BIL first affair. This was her response " My sister has stayed with him after one affair, after mental abuse, after 1 instance of physical abuse, he is a doctor which is financial power, now they have a child and he has beaten her down mentally to where she has no self esteem and no self worth." which all of this is true, my always strong beautiful sister is like a whipped dog. It is just heartbreaking! T said that if we give her this info, T strongly believes that BIL will turn this on us, he has tried to drive a wedge between my sis & our family from day one almost. T thinks BIL will either deny it or say he was joking & my H misunderstood like " here we are trying to break up their marriage, see what bad people we are". If it gives you a clue of his sickness, BIL thinks that my sis coming to visit us (they live in another town) is selfish & that she needs to stay within "their family" and leave us behind. T also said that he thinks this could cause my sister to have a mental breakdown, her self esteem and self worth is so low right now. She is not ready to accept the info and make a decision. T did say we no longer have to pretend that we like my BIL, that we can tell my sis we dont like him & no longer care to be around him. That we have tried and can no longer accept how he treats her and wont support it. T said my H can contact BIL since he is the one he told & tell him he will no longer keep his secret, that he needs to tell my sis. of course that is up to my H ....Also if my BIL contacts myself or my parents and asks why we no longer want contact with him, then we can tell him that we know and he needs to tell her and our relationship is over I am just so torn, if I tell my sis and it causes her to have a mental breakdown, what would I do, how would I feel? but then keeping this until it eventually comes out is just tearing me up...I am just so torn...but bottom line my T does not believe that my sis is mentally capable of handling this right now
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 So what does this T recommend be done to help your sister?!?!?! Given the situation you've described...the cops should have been brought into this long ago. I don't understand how your T plans to help your sister by WITHOLDING this information from her. Should he not be helping her to get OUT of this situation? Or convincing her and you and your H to take active measures to end the abuse?!?!?!?! This makes NO sense to me, whatsoever. I agree with others...your T is a hack. He's taking your money, and hers...and I'm very curious what active therapy he's had all of you doing...and what issues has he truly helped any of you to resolve? Clearly he failed as an MC for your sister and BIL...and I have doubts about his skills as an IC from what you've described as well.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 let me add my sis is no longer going to this T, she has one in her own town trying to help build her self esteem/worth. T did say if my sis begins to question us about our behavior then we can tell her that we will all sit down with T & talk together. T feels strongly after dealing with her in the past & knowing nothing has changed, that even if we tell her, she will not leave my BIL & then she will go further down thinking she has disappointed us by staying with him yet again and possibly alienate us to avoid the shame. (side note when the physical abuse happened the law was involved but she went back, it is just heartbreaking to us!) she feels worthless and like she cant do this alone, although repeated times when she has thought of leaving him, she knows she would not be alone, but it does no good.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 T said that if we give her this info, T strongly believes that BIL will turn this on us, he has tried to drive a wedge between my sis & our family from day one almost. Of course the BIL will turn it on you. What? Does T think that out of fear that he will turn it around that it is better to let him keep cheating on her? T thinks BIL will either deny it or say he was joking & my H misunderstood like " here we are trying to break up their marriage, see what bad people we are". We all figured that out. Don't need to be a T to predict this. If it gives you a clue of his sickness, BIL thinks that my sis coming to visit us (they live in another town) is selfish & that she needs to stay within "their family" and leave us behind. So T believes you should keep your mouth shut and let this parasite prey on her? Not only is it bad enough he is cheating on her, but he is mentally abusing her and trying to turn her against your family. T also said that he thinks this could cause my sister to have a mental breakdown, her self esteem and self worth is so low right now. She is not ready to accept the info and make a decision. Ya, ...T is right, much better to let your sister continue to be cheated on and mentally abused. What college did your T get his/her online degree? T did say we no longer have to pretend that we like my BIL, that we can tell my sis we dont like him & no longer care to be around him. That we have tried and can no longer accept how he treats her and wont support it. so basically T thinks you should tell your sister you won't be around the BIL without ANY real explanation? If anything, THAT advice will cause the sister to withdraw from the family and write you off. don't listen to it. Your sister needs you. If you follow T's advice, she will write you off anyway. Better to tell her WHY you don't want to be around BIL and tell her he is cheating on her. If she needs support, give it to her. If she wants to divorce this mental abuser, then you can go with her to all the attorney appointments if you are able. Help your sister!! T said my H can contact BIL since he is the one he told & tell him he will no longer keep his secret, that he needs to tell my sis. again, wrong move, the BIL won't tell, and if he does it will be a watered down implication that there is a misunderstanding and he will start forming his alibi and defense against you. Don't give him that kind of time. He needs to be caught off guard. If anything, you will be deemed MUCH MORE CREDIBLE by your sister if you sit the both of them down and let the cat out of the bag right in front of him and watch him waffle. Afterall, if you can say it in front of him, that shows your sister that you wouldn't lie right in front of him. Hell, you are her sister, why would you lie to her in the first place about something like this? Your husband saying that BIL admitted to cheating should be enough. Other than that, do you have ANY proof whatsoever? Maybe you should try to get some somehow. I am just so torn, if I tell my sis and it causes her to have a mental breakdown, what would I do, how would I feel? you stand ready to get her help. but what is worse, not telling out of fear that she may have a breakdown? or letting that scumbag brainwash her, and cheat on her for the rest of her life? Life is too short...don't let your sister waste any more of it. but then keeping this until it eventually comes out is just tearing me up...I am just so torn...but bottom line my T does not believe that my sis is mentally capable of handling this right now Your T is full of s##t. Your T's advice yeilds an alternative for your sister.....stay being betrayed....keep letting her be brainwashed and mentally abused by her husband. do not listen to this quack......help your sister!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 let me add my sis is no longer going to this T, she has one in her own town trying to help build her self esteem/worth. Then maybe you make an appointment with your sister's T and let them know what is going on in detail. Because if her current T doesn't know the kind of mental abuse she is suffering at the hands of her husband, her T cannot effectively help her. It will be like her T helping her, trying to pull her in one direction...while the piece of s##t BIL is pulling her in another.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I have thought of that, calling her T and asking for an appt...although I know by law they cant even tell me she is a patient and they cant discuss her case with me...
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Then setup an appt "for yourself"...and when you go in, tell him that you're going to do all the talking, with absolutely no expectations of any kind of response, confirmation, or anything from him. Then go in, tell the whole story and situation as you know it...without soliciting ANY feedback from him...thank him for his time, and walk out. You'll have done the best that you could.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I have thought of that, calling her T and asking for an appt...although I know by law they cant even tell me she is a patient and they cant discuss her case with me... Her T doesn't have to discuss anything about your sister or the case. Doesn't even have to acknowledge she is a patient. You give your sister's T the facts, and let it go from there.
stillafool Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Have you guys thought about contacting "Cheaters"?
Gamine Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Olivia, your sister needs someone to champion her best interests. If necessary tell her therapist. Do what you need to do to get this information to her. It would be wrong not to let her know about her husband. If she is that fragile, make it known to her that she can stay with you for as long as she needs. Then she has time to have safety and peace in her life. If she were to find out that you knew of this and didn't tell her... well, I believe it could be far worse. The truth will set you free...
sadintexas Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I am just so torn, if I tell my sis and it causes her to have a mental breakdown, what would I do, how would I feel? but then keeping this until it eventually comes out is just tearing me up...I am just so torn...but bottom line my T does not believe that my sis is mentally capable of handling this right now Has your T seen your sister recently to assess her current mental condition? I know you said you agree with what he said about her state of mind now, and what has occurred over the past years, but do you feel he is qualified to speak on this at this time? What he says does make some sense IF he has actual knowledge of her mental state. You indicated that he counseled her in the past, but it doesn't sound like they have current communication. However, your initial instinctive reaction was to tell her. I believe there is a reason for that. If you tell her, you are giving her the knowledge and tools to protect herself from the destructive behavior of her H. It is up to her what she does with that. This isn't her first rodeo with this. If you don't tell her, you are taking on the role of protecting her yourself by withholding information. Is that where you want to be? Is protecting her from the immediate pain of this discovery and potential breakdown protecting her in the long run? Or is it enabling her and him to continue on with this farce of a marriage? Is she struggling with the decision to end things thinking that maybe it's recoverable? Would this be key information she needs to see it for what it is? Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can find our strength and make changes we have to make.
samsungxoxo Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Forget what your phony therapy says. He is only stating from his point of view. You really think he would feel the same if he had his own sister whose husband abuses and cheats??? I doubt, I bet he would be beating the crap out of that guy if it was his own sister. He's only saying that because you are just a stranger to him and his only interest is his money. He doesn't care about what you're going through. Like another poster had stated, had it been just a friend, a neighbor or a woman's husband then I would have say keep quiet but NOT IF SHE'S YOUR OWN SISTER, YOUR OWN BLOOD. With your blood, you don't keep secrets like that and the sooner you tell her the better, do expose this worthless scumbag of a man. Now if in the end you do tell her and she for whatever reason ends up believing him and still stays with him then that's when you don't say anything else no more and leave it to that as you tried your best shot and it failed. From then on if he cheats again then you don't get involved no longer.
DNU1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Sorry, I haven't read the entire post. After going through FOUR OMs, and knowing that my STBxs BFF and co-worker knew about OM#3 three months before I found out, well I am now furious! Oh, at the time I found out about OM#3 I wanted to work on marriage, scared and would have done anything to recover the marriage. Looking back with 20/20, the friends *should have told me* or *made my STBx come clean* The truth is your BIL is a wayward and will lie, cheat and steal to keep the affair going...or keep his affair secret. If it were me I'd sit him down and say, "here's the deal. Either you tell her NOW, or I'm telling her. Those are your options. No 24 hour window to tell her, nothing. Drive with me to see her and *tell* her or I will." Don't give him time to spin more lies. Don't make deals. The truth shall set you free. And when you do expose, do it quickly and completely -- tell your parents, family, HIS FAMILY, co-workers, OWs family and friends. Get the word out quickly so they cannot spin this and make you look like a crazy person. Tell them just the facts. Be calm, cool and just tell them the facts. He's going to hate you. All waywards do. But you MUST protect your sis. She deserves to know, and know fast. Don't wait.
stuckinoz Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I have thought of that, calling her T and asking for an appt...although I know by law they cant even tell me she is a patient and they cant discuss her case with me... I was going to say to all of you - Maybe the therapist knows something about Olivia that we don't & that was why she suggested to NOT tell her sister..............Then I read where the therapist told Olivia all about her brother-in-law & sisters sessions..........I'M CALLING FOUL!!!!!! Holy Crap -what a mess!! I think that your current therapist needs to be reported to some sort of board. Because as I understand it, they aren't supposed to discuss anything unless presented with some sort of a cort order or if the patient is deceased. - Am I right about that?
Author olivia2501 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 thank you for all the responses again, I have been so conflicted about this, it has torn me up for days, I believe all the responses that I should not keep this secret & I agree. so update. I called my T late yesterday and told her that I cannot keep this from my sis, I am going to tell her. If she has a mental breakdown because of it, then that is my burden to hold. I would never abandon my sister, I love her more than life and will be there for her always! I hope she understands, even if she decides to stay with BIL that I told her because I love her and we have no secrets. So the T said she respects my decision, she was only giving me things to consider for my wellbeing in case this went bad and caused a wedge between my sis & I. So that being said, she suggested myself and my H bring my sis to our next session & tell her with the T present. That is what we have decided to do, I asked my sis to go with us and we have a meeting set. My sis has been leaning towards leaving for a long time but in our conversations she states she just cant, she needs him too much and in some way with all they have been through, she feels he does love her. and of course they have a 1 year old too, which makes her want to stay. She is very unstable right now, very, she has the lowest self esteem and since of self worth I have ever seen. She blames herself for alot of their issues, she cant see his wrong in anything, of course she doesnt have this addl piece either. I can only hope this will not push her over the edge the wrong way, I hope the info empowers her to leave. I only pray..will give an update after meeting. thank you all
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 glad to hear it olivia. Are you and your H in a position to take your sis in for a while if she decides to leave him? That would help her out alot. Do they have kids(I forgot from all the posts)? If so, would you be in a position to give your sis and the kids refuge during a divorce?
Author olivia2501 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I would 100% take her in and my H agrees--they do have a 1 year old and we would absolutely take him in as well. I just pray this is the route she goes so she can begin to heal, if she stays I dont know what my family will do.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 thank you donnamaybe, that makes me feel very good! I hope I am a good sister, I know I love my sis more than anything I can only pray now
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I would 100% take her in and my H agrees--they do have a 1 year old and we would absolutely take him in as well. I just pray this is the route she goes so she can begin to heal, if she stays I dont know what my family will do. great, then she has everything she needs!! And RIGHT after you tell her about her H's cheating, you make sure that she knows she and her child can come stay with you if she decides to divorce him....and I think you should encourage her to do so. If she was wanting to leave him before, this should be the straw that broke the camel's back.
marlena Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I haven't read this whole thread but I know what I would do. I would not tell my sister. I would, however, have a cosy, not too pleasant chat with my BIL.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I haven't read this whole thread but I know what I would do. I would not tell my sister. I would, however, have a cosy, not too pleasant chat with my BIL. why? so he can continue to lie and deny to your sister? So he can be aware he needs to come up with an alibi to refute you if you ever did decide to tell her? why would you let a man continue to cheat on your sister? Talking to him isn't going to do a damn thing....especially in olivia's situation...the BIL already told olivia's husband. he obviously isn't too scared. in fact he has probably mentally beat down olivia's sister so bad, that if someone did tell her, he figures he has her head so messed up that he can convince her he didn't cheat even if she caught him red handed.
samsungxoxo Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 he figures he has her head so messed up that he can convince her he didn't cheat even if she caught him red handed. Like the joke portraying a woman catching her husband naked in bed with another woman. She goes like ''Omg you're cheating on me'' to which he replies ''No I'm not, who do you believe more, your eyes or ME?? LOL Anyways back to the OP, hopefully your sister knows it by then and is taking steps towards divorcing him.
stuckinoz Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 why would you let a man continue to cheat on your sister? I don't think she's letting this "man continue to cheat on her sister" She's trying to play this out correctly. Not knee jerk. To know what she's doing prior to getting in there with both feet. She doesn't have any control over his actions - just like she has no control over her sisters actions either - or what she might do when & if she decides to tell her. Says here that he's done this before........maybe the sister doesn't care what he does. Maybe she's just happy to have someone. No matter how horrible you all in here think he is.
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