olivia2501 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I am new here and need some advice, very bad. I just found out that my BIL has cheated on my sister for the 2nd time in their marriage. The first time they went to counseling and she stayed with him. This time, per him, it was only oral sex and it happened over a year and was with different people at different times. How did I find this out? A month ago he told my husband while he was drunk & my husband said he was almost boastful, but he told my DH "he would not be doing it again as they have a 1 year old and he needed to grow out of that behavior". My DH told me this weekend as he said he could not keep this secret any longer. They have a very rocky relationship anyway, my BIL is controlling and pampas, treats my sister like an object with no brains. but she stays with him! I called my own counselor for advice and she said it is not my place to tell her, that she might turn against me and cause a wedge in our relationship especially if she is not willing to accept the truth. She suggested my DH call my BIL and tell him he has to tell her or we will. I dont think that will work and frankly my DH is just sick that he is involved this much already. My DH & BIL dont even have a close relationship, I am shocked he even told my DH this! So I just dont tell her??!! she has been going to counseling herself for their marriage & she made a comment last week that she is not happy, but doesnt have the strength to leave him. So I allow her to try to work on this sham of a marriage knowing what he has done AGAIN to her? my DH and I keep this secret, be around him, as if my DH condones this and I dont know?? I just think my counselor is wrong! If this was a rumor, maybe I could see it, but these words came from his own mouth! and this is not a friend! this is my sister, who is like my twin, we are very close! I am just sick to my stomach!
jwi71 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I would tell. What happens if she finds out and then discovers you KNEW and kept quiet? Your sister deserves to know the truth. And yes, she may NOT understand and she react poorly to you...but at least YOU did the RIGHT thing and tried to protect your sister. I would ask DH to join so he can corroborate the story...
NoIDidn't Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 She's your sister, right? I'd tell my sister. BIL obviously doesn't have her best interests in mind. Blood is thicker than water. And her relationship with your BIL is very watery right now.
confusedinkansas Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I'm usually the one that says NEVER TELL - Don't get involved in an area of someone's marriage that isn't your business. BUT.......She's your sister. Blood is thicker than water. (Unless you & she are not close enough - then I'd just butt out) If you're positive of the information (& coming from the horses mouth - I'm guessing you are) Then I'd definitely tell her. But then plan to 'be there for her' when the crapol-a hits the fan.
Reggie Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I'd feel betrayed if one of my siblings or friends knew and did not tell me. Her health is at risk, as well.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I realize that your BIL was drunk when he told but that in itself is a totally controlling behavior meant to cause a wedge. Its also serves to devalue her. Your BIL sounds incredibly narcissistic which can't be fixed. Tell your sister but also tell her that you will stand besider her no matter what she chooses. That way she doesn't feel as if she has to choose between the two of you if she decides to stay. I would never speak to my sister again if she with held that type of information from me.
Gamine Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Both you and your husband should confront him with your sister present. A united front making it clear to whom your allegiances lie. By doing this, you are there for her at the moment and he is then banned from 'denial' or hurting her further by rationalizing his cake eating. I would make it clear to her that you stand with her. While this is a direct confrontation, you stand united against the cheater... and, as I said earlier... she won't have to undergo the confrontation of him herself and she won't be subjected to his gaslighting, trick truth, or blame shifting. You love your sister. Let the love you have for her guide you in your decision. I believe the counselor's advice only serves to protect you, when you are more concerned about protecting your sister.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 She is your sister, OF COURSE you tell her. If you don't have her back, who will? If my BIL was cheating on my sister, I'd confront him about and give me a good reason, besides going to jail, why I shouldn't break his arm.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I tell her right after I released his balls from a vice grip. Nobody and I mean no one would screw one of my siblings over and I not get involved. That's bull shiggity.
Spark1111 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 My WS spoke to his sister regarding his confusion. She advised counseling and I was happy he had someone to talk to. However, he only involved her at the tale end of his affair. Today I wonder, 2 years past DDay, do I someday sit down with her and tell her the whole story? Not sure what that would accomplish. However, had he confided in MY BROTHER, and my brother did not tell me, I would never forgive him. Tell her, as soon as you can, no matter what the fallout. Support her in whatever decision she does make. Don't judge.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 for your responses, she is my real sister, not a step. I was not questioning telling her one bit until my counselor said No--then I started questioning and rethinking everything. I just dont agree with my counselor that I not tell, but it is hard when you have gone to someone for so long and invested in their advice, to disagree with them and then try to find the answer on your own.
Author olivia2501 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 thank you , that is how I feel --I would never judge her..even if she decides to stay with him again, which I feel right now in her state, she might
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Just tell her the truth, both you and your husband. Tell her exactly what happened, he was drinking and spilled it to your husband, then your H told you. Let her know that you feel awful about it, and would feel worse if you didn't tell her. She could get angry at you, but I'm sure she won't stay mad long, especially if the truth does come out. Or, you tell your BIL he has a week to tell your sister the truth or you WILL be telling her yourself. Your T is only protecting you, but she isn't the one who is going to suffer consquences if you don't tell .. Your sis will be MORE angry if she knew you knew and didn't tell her.
Spark1111 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 for your responses, she is my real sister, not a step. I was not questioning telling her one bit until my counselor said No--then I started questioning and rethinking everything. I just dont agree with my counselor that I not tell, but it is hard when you have gone to someone for so long and invested in their advice, to disagree with them and then try to find the answer on your own. Olivia, that is their job, to advocate for you and your feelings, to dissuade you from taking actions that could cause you harm, physically or emotionally. But sometimes, you have to do what feels right for you, regardless of what the counsellor advises. Tell your sis.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Under the circumstances, I disagree with telling the BIL to tell her. If he is as manipulative as you say then he will spin it and twist it and it will put a wedge in between you.
jj33 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It sounds like you may need a new counsellor. Id be very leery of someone who told you to not tell your own sister because she could get mad at you... Think about what other advice she gives you that you dont agree with.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 for your responses, she is my real sister, not a step. I was not questioning telling her one bit until my counselor said No And just what was this quacks reason to not give your own flesh and blood information about her being betrayed? this is why I think too many "therapists" are full of s##t.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 thank you , that is how I feel --I would never judge her..even if she decides to stay with him again, which I feel right now in her state, she might I would tell her,.....you owe it to her as her sister. And if she decides to stay with him and you find out he is cheating again...THEN I'd keep it to myself.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Under the circumstances, I disagree with telling the BIL to tell her. If he is as manipulative as you say then he will spin it and twist it and it will put a wedge in between you. I agree. And this will only tip off the BIL that his wife's sister knows about his cheating and he will have time to work up an alibi and a good lie.
stillafool Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Tell his sorry arse that he has one week to tell her or you will have to because she is your sister. That will move his butt and quick!
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 for your responses, she is my real sister, not a step. I was not questioning telling her one bit until my counselor said No--then I started questioning and rethinking everything. I just dont agree with my counselor that I not tell, but it is hard when you have gone to someone for so long and invested in their advice, to disagree with them and then try to find the answer on your own. Here's the thing. Your therapist doesn't care one bit about your sister. He/she is paid ONLY to think about you...and only you...even potentially to the point of harming others if he feels that it's somehow good for YOU. See the deal here? YOU, on the other hand...care about your sister. Therefore...YOU care what happens to her....when your therapist doesn't care at all. Tell your sister. Tell your therapist that you chose to do so because she matters to you.
confusedinkansas Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 olivia2501[/b] ] for your responses, she is my real sister, not a step. I was not questioning telling her one bit until my counselor said No And just what was this quacks reason to not give your own flesh and blood information about her being betrayed? this is why I think too many "therapists" are full of s##t. I am not an advocate for jumping into others personal business EVER. That's why they call it PERSONAL or MARITAL business. It's theirs. Not for public view (unless you're a rock star - ) Whether they be your next door neighbor or your best bud. BUT this situation is a little different - She is your sister. I'm curious why a counselor would say to not tell her. Can you elaborate on that a little.
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 He'd advocate not telling to keep his patient out of the drama and the stress. He doesn't care about the sister...nor does he care about ANYONE he's not paid to care about...in other words, the only person he's paid to treat is Olivia. PERIOD. He is paid to provide therapy that is best for HER...regardless of it's impacts to her family or loved ones. This is the same reason why IC is often terribly detrimental to MC. It ONLY focuses on one person...the person the therapist is treating.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 He'd advocate not telling to keep his patient out of the drama and the stress. He doesn't care about the sister...nor does he care about ANYONE he's not paid to care about...in other words, the only person he's paid to treat is Olivia. PERIOD. then he can tell "Olivia" that it is not his place to tell her how to handle her family business if the therapy is focusing on someone else. To the OP, ignore the therapist. This is your sister. Again, if you don't have her back, nobody does. He is paid to provide therapy that is best for HER...regardless of it's impacts to her family or loved ones. Ya, well the quack fails to realize that if her sister wastes her life horribly with this guy, only to find out later, and if her sister finds out that Olivia knew and didn't say anything, the fur will fly. The quack also fails to realize that her sister is someone she loves deeply and to allow her to be betrayed will cause this drama and stress more than if she told. Bottom line, her sister needs her.
Owl Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with you, Dex. I'm just pointing out the thinking behind a therapist who does this kind of thing. Not saying I agree with it, by any means. Its the same reason why many times a WS's IC is one of the biggest hurdles to marital recovery after an affair...because they offer advice that is ONLY good for the WS...and is often destructive to the marriage.
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