pureinheart Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I know how difficult it is to let somebody go when there are very strong feelings involved....believe me I know, I swore to God "he" was the one. I came to Love Shack a mess after several years with a MM, many times I had tried to break away, I would, and then allowed myself to get pulled back into his web time and time again...is there such a thing as a male "black widow"? Finally, after reading many testimonials on LS I went "no contact" and he rebelled bigtime...."by accident" he left my email up telling him to take a hike and his family went after me, trying to get me fired ect... MM then contacts me and is separated, so like a dumb a** I fall for it hook, line and sinker....it's funny how I justified things at the time.... Ladies, take my advice if it is possible, stay away from them until they are divorced and have come to terms with the divorce....many on LS tried to encourage me that ex-MM would be a mess during the divorce...but "all knowing me" thought "I" could handle it....what a JOKE. Here is a list of things that I have gone through after his two year divorce....once again it is amazing how I have had a "blind eye" concerning this man.... 1. He has been very cheap with me 2. He has used me to take all of his aggressions out on 3. He blames me for everything that has ever happen in his life 4. He is non loving or affectionate 5. He finds it amusing to twist my mind into a pretzel 6. I have been a toy for him to take out and play with when he wants 7. He has never once apologized for a wrong doing...he has never done anything wrong This is just the tip of this very big iceburg that I have allowed in my life...you see the problem is not "him"....it is MEEEEEE.....he saw me coming and I allowed it. Please keep in mind I understand my resposibility in this matter.... I was so messed up in my head...he triggered many things from my past that had not been dealt with that I went on disability (I have some physical things too)....we have the same medical facility so he followed what I had been telling him and went out too... For the past 9 months he has layed around crying "oh poor me", taking his meds, sleeping and staying high. He wants to die all of the time and hates life!!!!!! EXCUSE ME!!!!!!! I should be a good enough reason to want to enjoy life and live again, but I am not. I learned about Narsicism (please forgive my spelling) on LS and I think that the majority of MM with OW are using the OW for their Narc Supply. He has been a horrible, abusive, arrogant angry man....he accuses me of things that I believe he is doing and says that I don't like him (what is there to like anyway), although I think in all actuality it is me he doesnot like....everything that he says about me is how he actually feels...this has been a bad trip. This really helped me to write this here at LS....it always has....please save yourself.... Why are some people so abusive???? I mean he would venture off into some really sick and twisted stuff.....one time I really think he was trying to kill both of us on his motorcycle...that motorcycle makes me sick anyway because he acts like some kind of bad a** on it...it gives him power....ewwww....what a joke. During my time off I have worked hard on my emotional healing and have a ways to go...I was telling my therapist how pissed I was that there are people out there hurting and abusing people and they are still running their muck, while the receiving end people have to get councelling....doesn't make sence!!!!! Do any of you have any comments as to why people say things to others that they really feel themselves....like ex-MM telling me that I don't like him....when it is him who does not like me....why do they do this? What happened to being straight up and real???? I feel like such a dumb a**
sugarmomma Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 There's an old saying "you can't get fu*ked unless you're in position". You can't be abused if you leave your abuser. You are responsible for what you allow him to say and do to YOU. Take control of your life and make the decision you know needs to be made. Kick his azz to the curb!!!!!!!
Gamine Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 The first thing that came to mind was that the experience you were having with him was probably pretty darn close to what his wife had to deal with. The irony is that if another woman had entered the scene he would have been complaining about how 'you don't understand him' and how he isn't getting enough sex. 100% focus on himself. Then, the other woman 'believes' and the whole cycle begins again. The scratch the head, giant question mark period you are experiencing now is what I think wives experience. I wish you happiness and love in your future. Write him off as an experience and take from it that which you will. Make it a good learning experience. Usually people who do a lot of complaining about 'other people' are usually the problem themselves. Peace.
delirious Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I am not making excuses for him, but if he has been thrown out because of the affair, won't there be a period of mourning for him, where he will miss his children and his comfortable life, with everything he wanted including you, and now his kids probably they hate him? I would expect that to happen but it will surely get better over time. You are both equally responsible for this predicament and need to support each other, so he is probably depressed. IMO men don't think of the consequences of their actions and can compartmentalise bits of their life, so it maybe is quite a shock to him to be paying the price. Whereas the OW (like me) probably expects the sh.. to hit the fan at any time.
NoIDidn't Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 He used his family to punish you for not giving him what he wanted or felt entitled to. Not uncommon. Many MM are acting out like petulant children to begin with but the OW frequently doesn't see it until its *too late*. He's blaming you for everything wrong in his life? Very common. He's going through a divorce that he never wanted. And chances are, you jumped at the opportunity to finally have him to yourself. At first he probably felt privileged, but later he realized that he never wanted a divorce - he wanted a W AND a GF. This is all in the MM Handbook. This is the reason so few MM actually make it to marrying their OW. The A has far too much baggage and so does the MM. Especially if the D wasn't his idea. I am sorry for your pain. I hope you will run in the opposite direction if he or another MM approaches you ever again.
Author pureinheart Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Thank you very much for all of the kind and insightful replies....I would encourage anyone going through a rough time to communicate on LS...there are a lot of knowledgable people that give extremely excellent replies...the people here kept me grounded when I needed it the most. I am not trying to offend anyone with what I am about to write, it is just "my" opinion based on "my" experiences...."triangle" relationships are abusive situations, some do the abusing and some are allowing it...I asked myself this question over and over, "why am I allowing this?"...it was very easy to walk away when he was M....now it has been harder. My friends looked at me like I was crazy and I began to feel insane. I am without excuse because I do know what most truths are....why was I not walking in what I know to be true...something else was going on that had such a hold....OMG pandoras box was opened and now there is the light of day. Stuff in my past had been holding me back for years...true freedom gets closer and closer everyday. There are reasons if a person allows abuse in their life, I would encourage all who possibly think they might be allowing abuse to take a risk and get free from that pandoras box! Thanks again all, and I love you dearly!
ednadean Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 as soon as you 'open your eyes' (which you have!) the healing can begin...because it means that you're moving on and won't get re-lured in. Hang in there and remember that he sounds like a narcissistic a-hole (who unfortunately are able to lure in lovely caring women] who deserves to be alone. Stay strong -- he'll find someone else to mess with eventually. I was in a similar situation once -- and once I finally let go and stopped communicating entirely -- it took him about a year to get over it -- but eventually he moved on, when he saw that I was serious. hang in there!!! and keep us posted!!
wildsoul Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 ....why was I not walking in what I know to be true...something else was going on that had such a hold....OMG pandoras box was opened and now there is the light of day. Stuff in my past had been holding me back for years...true freedom gets closer and closer everyday. There are reasons if a person allows abuse in their life, I would encourage all who possibly think they might be allowing abuse to take a risk and get free from that pandoras box! Thanks again all, and I love you dearly! Sounds like you're getting some big answers! I'd like to hear more about the "stuff in your past that had been holding you back" if you're up for sharing it. What were the keys? How do they fit the puzzle of your recent affair partner? One of the reasons I ask is because it sounds like your guy has NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) traits, like my xSM seems to have. I can relate to your numbered list, especially #7!
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