Finally Separated and getting divorce/------ed

[buu]

Ok love shack I got a lot to vent about. Yes I an going through a divorce. But before I get into all that I wanna set the scene. (and I will stick to the truth of the matter and not fabricate any situations) I’ll start off about February of last year 2008 when my wife learned she was pregnant. I was happy and I was joyous. I wanted to scream it from the top of the word! That soon died when we were talking about who gets to be in the delivery room when the baby was born. Vicki was very adimate about letting her mother be there. I was cool with it but I wanted my mom there also. She was like so and it took me a sec to get over that but what left a bad taste in my mouth was when she asked me to give up my spot for her sister. I got pissed and was upset about it and told her that there is no way that’s going to happen. I thought it was rather offensive to ask the father not to be there during the birth of his child. We went back and forward on this for about 2 weeks before she gave in. during the 1st trimester I noticed how Vicki kept trying to keep me out of all the plans for the baby including doctor visits. I remember once she called me up at 10am and said well are you going to make it to the doctors office? You didn’t tell me you had an appointment! She insisted that she did. And I told her that if you did I would not be in Huntsville right now working on this computer. (80 miles from home). I thought that was really underhanded how that whole situation went about.

 

 

Fast forward to June. Fathers day came around. I was kinda excited and anticipated for her to tell me happy fathers day. That didn’t happen. I got nothing. Didn’t even acknowledge that I was a father to be. Yep I was getting pretty mad. I tried to blame it on the hormones but I don’t think there was any excuse for that. She sensed I was upset and wondered why. I told her that we don’t see eye to eye anymore. O told her about how I felt cheated out of going back to school so I could get a better paying job and how frustrated she is making me. “for GOD sakes we haven’t had sex since you found out you were pregnant!” Yeap I was P I S S E D!!! And what did she say in response to all this? “Well, you’re not a father yet.” I left the house to cool down because I could not stand being around her. When I came back her sister and her BF were there sitting on the sofa. “happy fathers day Robert!” It came from the BF.

 

 

Fast forward a little bit. A few weeks later her mom moved in. We don’t really get along to begin with and Vicki was aware of that. but since she already told her it was ok until her divorce was final I said ok . I figured that since Vicki was on bed rest her mom could watch her and I could work a little late so we can save up for the doctor bills and expenses when the baby comes. Whatever makes her happy I guess.

 

 

The summer of 2008 was the worst summer I ever had. Between dealing with a disrespectful mother in law and a moody pregnant lady, I found myself spending more time at work just to get away from it all. Since she was on bed rest she did not want to move at all. (until her mother said so). At the end of June my aunt I knew all my life passed away from cancer. I was devastated and needed a shoulder to cry on. (Men do cry) Too bad I did have one because Vicki did not want to go to the funeral. I understood because it was 200 miles away. I got nothing from her not even “Its gonna be ok”. At the end of July Vicki’s grand mother passed away in San Antonio. It was no big surprise that she went to San Antonio against doctors orders. But what got me was that she went to comfort her mother. Not only that I had to ride in another car with her sister in law and her BF. I mean she would not even hold my hand or let me help her out the car! I was really irritated when we got there and could not wait to go back to Houston. Funny. She could not be there when I need a wife but I guess I had to be her mom in order to get some TLC.

 

 

Around September Hurricane Ike hit. To be honest I could have enjoyed the hurricane a little bit more if my in-laws and her BF was not staying with us. I mean for real they all had a place of their own to go to but they decided to stay over with us for some unknown reason. Vick was 8 months then and yep, still on bed rest. With no power in the area I decided to go with my wife to my mother’s house 12 miles away. She was one of the 12% of Houstonians who had power after the storm. Vicki decided to go with her mother to Richmond and stay a few days at her house. It would have been to her advantage to stay on the north side of Houston rather than Richmond mainly because if she went into labor we would have been right there. I stayed with my mom because it was not too far from work and she had power.

 

 

Let’s fast forward a bit. After the baby was born. I gotta admit I get angry pretty fast. And dealing with my mother in law and her bitchy ways I kept asking Vicki to talk to her before I do because If I do it wont be pretty. Once again she ignores the elephant in the room.

Eventually it happened her mother and I got into it. I asked her to leave. IShe said no. I could not believe this lady is standing in my house saying that I have no say-so because its in Vicki’s name. Now before you say anything, Vicki signed because her credit was a little better than mine. ½ my check went to the mortgage every month. No way she could afford the house on her own. But anyway I ended up calling the police to remove her. When they got there, guess who had to go? I went to a friends house to regroup and figure out what to do. Because seeing that Vicki choose her mom over me let me know where I stood in our relationship. I did not want it to go down the way it did. I reached my breaking point and could not take it anymore. Her mom moved out and we eventually talked about counseling.

 

 

About a week later Vicki became ill and was in ICU for about a week. She had heart issues after the baby was born. Yes I was depressed and felt guilty about it for bringing on the stress due to the fallout between me and her mother. While we were in there the doctors reassured me that she will be alright and that I did not caused this issue. So where is the baby? Well Im glad you asked. Vicki asked her sister to take him until she got out the hospital. She could have told me what her plans were before doing them but, that is the way she is. I took a week off to stay at the hospital with Vicki until she got better. It was still awkward because when her mom came to visit I left. I could not stand her at all and didn’t want her anywhere near me. Vicki stayed in there a week . I was so glad to see her out and we were finally headed back home as a family. Me, her and the baby.

 

 

Between November and December I was miserable. Emotionally and spiritally. We started talking about counseling again. She was against it at 1st because she thought it was a waste of time and that they will not help our marriage. She believes that they will only help us learn about ourselves. I knew she was fed up because when her birthday came around she didn’t want to spend any time with me and criticized the leather coat I gave her for her birthday. When I came home from work we barely spoke. The only time she would talk to me is when she wanted me to do something. If it was for the baby, cool. If not I was like whatever. We did counseling via our church since we could not afford professional help after the baby was born and I had to take a huge pay cut from work.

 

 

Well we started counseling with our pastor. She said that she would not be biased no matter what and that she has heard it all. From what she told us is that we have lost the romance in our relationship and it has been replaced by control issues among us both. I agreed with that. she also told us that outside factors have been influencing our marriage and that we need to stop letting those factors in. What do you do when you get home from work? Well as soon as I get in I go and see the baby until Vicki starts complaining about me holding him or playing with his hands. Then I’d get mad at her, go find something to eat and get on the computer. Vicki mentions that I look at porn when I get on the computer. I mention that we did not have sex for almost a year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow Ive been typing for over an hour (my typing skills suck) and Im starting to get a cramp. Im going to finish this up later but for now read and tell me what you think. Its far too late to do anything about it now and there is no turning back from the point where I am. Take care loveshack

[Lucky_One]

My first thought is that you thought a pregnant woman on bed rest would be having sex??

[TroyNJ]

Dude, I feel your pain. When a woman unplugs she will place 100% blame on you. No matter what you do she will, in fact get ready because they get as mean as a hell. Take care of healing yourself and be a good father to your child. It obvious she doesn't give a damn about you. PM me if you need to chat, I'm basically in the same position as you.

[buu]

Well that’s understandable since she’s been pregnant for most of last year. Well that may be true but to not even want to get close to your husband even after the baby is born seems a little odd to me. We don’t even kiss. We might as well be roommates. In fact, that’s all we are. Pastor knew that I had a lot of bitterness in me and that I was holding a grudge. She ask why am I like this. I was neglected throughout the entire pregnancy and the 1st few months the baby was born. Vicki has not even acknowledged me as being the father when he was born. Some things I know I should do myself but come on! She don’t even trust me around the baby. Hes only 3 months and I never had the opportunity to spend more than 20min alone with him. Pastor asked her is any of this true and do you trust him with the baby? Has he ever done anything wrong or tried to hurt the child? Vicki said “No. I just have more experience around babies than he does and I know that children can get hurt easily and I don’t want him to accidentally hurt him. ” So if he haven’t done anything to hurt the baby, Why don’t you let him be around him more often? “Well I do. When I have time I let him hold him or when I’m tired I let him make a bottle or feed him” even trust him around the baby? Our pastor said you need to stop! You’re acting like you own the baby and that you are giving him permission to be around him and that’s just cold! Why are you doing that? After a few sessions pastor realizes that we need a more experienced person to aid in out counseling sessions so she bring in Carolyn. During the 1st few sessions with Carolyn I notice that Vicki would not leave the baby in the nursery and held on to him during the entire session.

 

Now in my eyes it looks like Vicki is using the baby to make herself look better in a different limelight. But I could be wrong because that’s a matter of my opinion. During this time Carolyn believes Vicki is possessive with the baby because it is our 1st child. But she does question why Vicki has such strong issues about certain things with the baby and our relationship. Around this time I kept touching on how she has issues with letting me pick up / drop off the baby from daycare. Two days before this session Vicki was ready to fist fight me because I wanted to take him to daycare that morning. The day before she was really upset with me because I followed her to daycare so we can both take him in together.

Vicki’s response to this was “because of his job, he has to get ready for work …. Blah blah blah. “ Hey, if its for my kid, I’m gonna make time.

 

Carolyn decided to steer everything in a different direction. And focus more on our relationship since we did not really have one at all. We had an assignment. She loaned us a DVD movie called “Fireproof”. (I recommend you see it and get the book.) We were to get a baby sitter and watch the movie together. Make it an evening about us. Well we arranged for a babysitter the following Tuesday. Little did I know Vicki cancelled the babysitter, and decided to watch the movie while holding the baby the entire time I was a little upset that she did that. I was also upset that she did not even sit with me as we were watching the movie. But what really got me is that when the credit started rolling she got up, went into the bedroom and closed the door. I was like WTF? Us not talking is no big surprise. But we were suppose to discuss it right afterwards. I went in behind her and was like what was that about? She said nothing… I just gotta get up in the morning . the next session Carolyn asked how did everything go? I told her with a straight face what happened she was obviously at a loss for words. OOOOKKKKKKKK.

 

 

 

 

Im not gonna get into much details about valentine’s day but I will say this. She got flowers, I got a card the day afterwards.

 

 

 

I have a lot more but for now Ing going to stop it short.....

[TaraMaiden]

I will tell you what I think.

Your wife is suffering from post-natal depression and has latched onto your child as salvation.

She is "using" the baby as a shield. Not just from you - from everything. From facing the truth and from having to do something about it, because if she has the baby, she has no time to do anything else.

I think the birth has triggered some major hormonal imbalances, and this is a serious situation.

I do not think it is emotionally driven.

it is irrational and highly questionable.

I don't think your wife needs a counsellor. It is possible she needs a psychiatrist...

 

I am going by what you tell us here, I cannot make a more balanced comment, because of course we only have your side of things.

I am not accusing you of lying, honestly.

But I think - if matters are as you say they are - you talk to someone medical about getting her evaluated by a professional.

 

Truly.

 

And I know you are hurt, and you feel discarded and shunned - but please, until I am proved wrong - try to be more gentle with her, and see that although it may not feel like it, or appear so - she is going through great torment. I really do not think she is completely in her right mind.