tml-13 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 WW of 13 yrs cheated on me.. twice... while I put her thru 20K worth of shcool... She cant give me any good reasons as to why (the usual BS.. "not supportive enough" - the first one... Don't know why - the second one)... Went to MC and like the councilor, but feel like I'm being blamed just a little too much.... We have two boys together and I feel trapped... Do I become a weekend dad, give up all that I've worked for and try to find someone who can make me happy or live inside my own prison and try to put on a happy face for the boys... It's been 6 mos since DDay... (I was denying it for the preceeding year...) I'm gonna get f'd for support if I leave.. plus, I live in Communist Ontario where the H is always the offending party! I have no problems with paying child support... but come on... I just paid 20K for WW to disrespect me and then blame it on me... Where is the justice... I know what DEX is gonna say (and If it weren't for my boys I'd totally agree and be on the next flight to have a beer with him)... how about everyone else? In the words of the Clash... "Should I stay or should I should I go?"?
jwi71 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Thats your decision. What are the benefits of staying? Leaving? CAN you stay in this M given her behavior? And...before you jump to any conclusions...have you spoken to a divorce lawyer yet...you know, to hear the real legal truth of your situation? One A is bad enough...but two? I'd certainly leave.
Owl Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I agree with JW...we aren't the ones to make that choice. Do you HONESTLY think that your marriage will recover from her actions? Do you HONESLTY think that she'll never cheat again? Do you think that she'll make all the needed changes to rebuild your trust and love in her? Do you think that YOU can forgive her for this...if she does make the changes that she needs to make? Here's my thought...once...can be poor judgement. Twice or more...is an indication of her character. I don't give high odds for reconciliation with a serial cheater.
Reggie Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I agree ,the serial thing makes for a poor prognosis. Not sure, but, perhaps if you can document the tuition subsidy, a court would consider that in dividing assets. I think you should check with an attorney to get the lay of the land rather than speculating on support $$ and asset division. Also, try to resist accepting any responsibility for the cheating. Seems a little early in the game to be addressing pre-A issues. Many therapist want to do this early in the game. But, the affair and its attendant damage needs to be addressed first.
65tr6 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 It's been 6 mos since DDay... (I was denying it for the preceeding year...) You were denying it even after the fact she cheated on you once before ?What have you learnt from her first affair ? Nothing ?What have you both done in the last six months ? Not much ?Has she shown ANY remorse at all ?I would STOP all MC now ! You already spent 20K on her. Stop wasting any more time/money.
eyeswide Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 WW of 13 yrs cheated on me.. twice... while I put her thru 20K worth of shcool... seems like the being in school part is not coincidence, though. Maybe she was feeling like she wanted her independence from you during this time? going to school can feel very empowering and I remember feeling very "selfish" for lack of a better word when I was in college. It seemed like it was all about me and I felt like my fiance who graduated two years before me just wanted to hold me back/tie me down. I resented it but did'nt do a very good job communicating about it. I broke up with him as a result of my feelings but I still regret that I didn't tell him the truth about what I was feeling. I kind of blamed him for the break up. (Ah, youth...) But, I can imagine that your wife who was experiencing school and all that freedom on one hand and kids and home, etc on the other might have a lot to do with the situation. I'm not saying "forgive her for cheating on you". I'm just saying that might have more to do with the fact it hapenned twice than her being a serial cheater. just a thought. I could be utterly wrong. LIsten to these voices of experince.
Author tml-13 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 You were denying it even after the fact she cheated on you once before ?What have you learnt from her first affair ? Nothing ?What have you both done in the last six months ? Not much ?Has she shown ANY remorse at all ? I would STOP all MC now ! You already spent 20K on her. Stop wasting any more time/money. I found out about the first and second at the same time... The first was because "I didnt support her while she was in school", yet it started before.... the second was because "I dont know" Fact is, she already had an EA going before school started... I took her to Nassau for our 10th anniversary and we had a fight on the last night where she told me "You repulse me..." that was in July.... school didn't start until Sept... I'm not saying that I really want to stay... I dont know.... fact is... I loose either way... does that make sense??? This sh*t went on for almost 2 years.... it would be a really easy decision if we didn't have kids... I liked my life the way it was before... big house... good job... no real worries... as long as I was home to make dinner every night by 5:30... yeah... wtf was I thinking??? The MC says... stay for the kids... there's not much friction in the house now since Ive internalized everything.... so I'm not sure the kids are affected yet.... I dont know... I feel like I'm letting the kids down.... even though I'm not the one who did... but apparently I'm the one who gets to pay
Reggie Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'd reconsider the staying for the kids deal. Perhaps seek a second opinion, as your MC may not know what he/she is talking about. You have a remorseless, serial cheater on your hands. I would think the anger and resentment wiould fester and eat you up. This is bad for your health and your kids neeed you healthy.
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 The MC says... stay for the kids... there's not much friction in the house now since Ive internalized everything.... so I'm not sure the kids are affected yet.... I think this is a crock - it's never good for the kids to stay married JUST for their sakes. When my exH & I split up, it was because I truly believed (and still do) that our child was better off with 2 parents who were individually happy than 2 parents who were miserable together. After all, as parents, we try to model the relationships we want our children to have when they grow up, right?
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Went to MC and like the councilor, but feel like I'm being blamed just a little too much.... why does this not surprise me. tell the therapist you feel you are being blamed too much for her cheating and see what his/her response is. i'd love to hear the justification We have two boys together and I feel trapped... Do I become a weekend dad, give up all that I've worked for and try to find someone who can make me happy or live inside my own prison and try to put on a happy face for the boys... Yes to the bolded part! to hell with the latter part. Your situation mimics mine almost to a T. 2 boys, hate the fact of becoming a weekend dad even though she was the cheater.....but in the end, I am SOOOOOOO glad to get away from a huss of a cheater. I'm out there dating, loving it...no more looking over my shoulder wondering if/when my wife is going to cheat again. Life with a cheater is no life at all. Your boys will adjust, YOU will adjust to the every other weekend thing. You WILL bounce back financially after a couple of years. Everything will be fine...no, not fine.....awesome!!! Trust me on that one, I guarantee. I'm gonna get f'd for support if I leave.. plus, I live in Communist Ontario where the H is always the offending party! I know it my man, I know it. Father's get the shaft all around. Best to just accept it. Even when a wife cheats and betrays the father of her kids....the woman will ALWAYS be the custodial parent if she doesn't agree to shared custody. And look at it this way with regards to support. you would be shelling out that money to support your kids anyway.....at least now you don't have to buy her clothes and food. any assets and retirement accounts would be split down the middle that which was accumulated DURING the marriage. I have some advice on the marital home. Don't move out just yet. But decide that once the divorce is over, you will let her have the house. She will owe you half the equity in it. so you can arrange a quit claim deed on the house which frees you from the mortgage payments, insurance, taxes, etc. Then she either pays you somehow for your half of the equity. Perhaps she agrees not to touch your retirement in return for the house. OR, if the amounts are equivalent or close, she agrees to assume all the marital debt if your half of the marital debt is close to the equity. Either way, in this lousy housing market. Let her have the house. you can get out from under it free and clear, and will have major negotiating power with regards to other marital assets. Oh, and if you sign over the house in the end, make sure she has 6 months to refinance to get your name off the mortgage. I have no problems with paying child support... but come on... I just paid 20K for WW to disrespect me and then blame it on me... you also tell your lawyer that you paid 20K for her education...let your lawyer handle what to do about that. Where is the justice... I don't know about your case, but in my case I am waiting for my justice. For a father to get custody, one has to prove beyond a doubt that the mother is unfit. Sorry to say, being a cheating hussbag isn't enough in the eyes of the court to declare a mother unfit. But in my case, she has a real scumbag living with her. But that is her right. I know without a doubt he has her doing drugs. But does she have them in the house, or at a friend's house? If I call CPS, and they find nothing, I'll have a harder time later on if I cry wolf now. I'm waiting on someone to come forward that knows them that vowed they won't let my kids stay in that environment without telling me, but they have to have tangible proof and willing to testify. in the meantime, I guess part of my justice is he new boyfriend blackened her eye in an argument on my weekend with the kids.........grass is greener on the other side isnt it:) I know what DEX is gonna say (and If it weren't for my boys I'd totally agree and be on the next flight to have a beer with him)... how about everyone else? hey, nobody can accuse me of being inconsistent my man;) In the words of the Clash... "Should I stay or should I should I go?"? remember the other words, "if I go there will be trouble.....if I stay there will be double"
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 in the meantime, I guess part of my justice is he new boyfriend blackened her eye in an argument on my weekend with the kids.........grass is greener on the other side isnt it:) I'm not sure I agree with you, Dex - your justice shouldn't have anything to do with her being physically abused. While I certainly understand where you, as a BS, are coming from, I don't think one is a "balance" for the other. I wouldn't wish EITHER on anyone (including my exH, the cheater). I have to wonder, though, if your children are safe in a home where their mother is being hit - forget the drug thing - don't you want to make sure your kids aren't going to be next in line for the flying fists??
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm not sure I agree with you, Dex - your justice shouldn't have anything to do with her being physically abused. your right, it isn't justice. and I really wouldn't wish it on anyone and have never been raised a hand to anyone, but been in about 3 fights where I was on the defensive. but it was one of those, "sucks to be you" moments. While I certainly understand where you, as a BS, are coming from, I don't think one is a "balance" for the other. I wouldn't wish EITHER on anyone (including my exH, the cheater). I have to wonder, though, if your children are safe in a home where their mother is being hit I have confronted him before and told him that I hope the cops get to him before I do if I ever find out he touches a hair on their head. I have told my children, one being only 4, that if anyone ever hurts them, and especially those that hurt them and tell them not to tell me, that I WILL protect them. Unfortunately, I'd have to wait til something does happen before I can get them out of there. thats just the way the sh#tty law is and it doesn't matter that everyone in town knows she is an unscrupulous huss, and that he is a town scumbag. It matters what happens, not what people think and know. - forget the drug thing - don't you want to make sure your kids aren't going to be next in line for the flying fists?? trust me, my lawyer is aware and has documented my concerns. Nothing I can do unless there is a police report filed, or bruises/marks on my children.
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 trust me, my lawyer is aware and has documented my concerns. Nothing I can do unless there is a police report filed, or bruises/marks on my children. I'm glad your lawyer is aware of it. Like you, if anybody EVER raised a hand to my child, I think they better PRAY the cops get to 'em first. I hope, for your sake (and your kids') that the "scumbag" decides to move on & leave your kids out of his life & SOON!
Author tml-13 Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 [quote=Dexter Morgan;2205283 remember the other words, "if I go there will be trouble.....if I stay there will be double" Hmmm... totally forgot about the second line of the chorus.... I guess I should get off my a$$ and go see a lawyer.... I've been way too apathetic about this...
Dexter Morgan Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Hmmm... totally forgot about the second line of the chorus.... I guess I should get off my a$$ and go see a lawyer.... I've been way too apathetic about this... Yes, and make sure your lawyer also knows, in addition to what I have laid out(been through this already), that you paid for her college. You might not have any claim to that lost bit of cash, but its all about disclosing all the information possible so your attorney can best defend you. even if it seems something petty....document it!!!
Author tml-13 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Yes, and make sure your lawyer also knows, in addition to what I have laid out(been through this already), that you paid for her college. You might not have any claim to that lost bit of cash, but its all about disclosing all the information possible so your attorney can best defend you. even if it seems something petty....document it!!! I will... thx... Just made the appointment earlier today... BTW: I went to see the MC alone today... he echoed your oppinoin Dex.... I'm gonna pull the rip cord and see how big the chute is... Let's hope for a somewhat ok landing
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I'm glad your leaving. two affairs is more than just your fault aint no amount of blameshifting and justification will make it right. She's messed up. and you need to be free of her. take the L, keep it moving.
Author tml-13 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 I'm glad your leaving. two affairs is more than just your fault aint no amount of blameshifting and justification will make it right. She's messed up. and you need to be free of her. take the L, keep it moving. Yeah.. but it seems so overwhelming right now... but I think its the right thing to do...
Dexter Morgan Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I will... thx... Just made the appointment earlier today... BTW: I went to see the MC alone today... he echoed your oppinoin Dex.... I'm gonna pull the rip cord and see how big the chute is... what opinion did he echo? I'm curious what a therapist would agree with me on, since I think most of them are hacks:lmao: all kidding aside, what did he/she say?
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