Just heard some real bad news

[dprelz]

I just heard from my Mom of all people (she found out from a mutual friend on facebook) that my ex is getting married.

 

As soon as she told me my eyes turned into stone and my heart stopped. I told my mom you shouldn't have told me that.. you shouldn't have told me that.

 

I thought I've experienced all the sadness that love could possibly offer but this one is a new low.

 

I am at the point where I can't even cry anymore, nor do I want to. I just feel so letdown, betrayed - not by her - but by the universe.

 

I can tell you with complete confidence I loved her beyond explanation. I think about her way more often than I should, and it's been a long time - 4 years since we were together.

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loved me equally at one point in our relationship. I cannot feel like I can take less than 100% of the blame. I've put myself through hell and back since then punishing myself physically and mentally to try and understand exactly what I did that caused her to fall out of love with me. I've grown into a bigger, stronger person because of this.

 

I envy this guy like you wouldn't believe - but at the same time I literally want to kill him. I feel as if she thinks he is more of a complete man then me.. that is he is better. I've never have those thoughts about another guy - I'm normally as confident as could be. I don't know how to deal with this.

 

I hate being helpless, the thought of me having NO say whatsoever pisses me off beyond explanation. I try and talk myself out of bad thoughts but in all honesty - she was a great person, and I really really ****ing miss her.

 

What do I do now? How can I talk myself out of another breakdown? I'm starting to get a different kind of rage like I've never had before. I'm completely enraged but I can think clearly - I feel like I'm going to do something stupid to me or someone else. I seriously have no faith in this universe, karma christ or any other godlike symbol. This world is completely and uterrly chaotic & random and there is no lean towards "good" at all. My entire belief system and personality changed because of this one terrible experience.

 

I feel like I can' let this guy beat me. He can't win - HER.

 

I would literally do anything for her. And yet she is with him. She is with the wrong guy

 

I gaurantee you this is how some guys become killers.. I feel like fighting and I have the edge because I don't give a **** anymore

[eyeswide]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing right now by trying to reach out for help here. (I don't know why no one is really responding?)

 

You know you don't want to do anything desperate, not really.

 

It does sound like you feel like you need to do something, though. That you don't want to just say nothing, do nothing.

 

I don't know what your situation is with your ex, but do you have any contact with her or her friends. Does she know how you feel? Would it make a difference to her, do you think?

[Jilly Bean]

I've grown into a bigger, stronger person because of this.

 

Then don't let this little blip set you back from being this guy.

 

I don't know how long it's been since you split, but obviously enough time for her to get involved with someone else and get engaged.

 

Do you think some of your anger comes from the fact that she has moved on first? I know that can cause a lot of feelings of loneliness, feeling like you'll be alone forever, that your life has less meaning or you are less loveable. All this negative thoughts are purely UNTRUE.

 

Thing is, you have no idea what kind of guy this other one is, nor should you focus on it. You have to assume that all the problems that caused you to break up, are still factoring into her new relationship. People don't change that much, nor that quickly.

 

I think tomorrow and the day after that, and after that, you will feel a greater sense of calm about this. The shock is what you are reeling from now, but in time, you will realize this is what was meant to be, and trust that YOUR someone special and magical will appear when you are most ready. Believe that.

[dprelz]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

I just woke up from a deep REM sleep and its 4:30am. I dreamt I saw her again. Then I woke up to an empty bed again.

 

Needeless to say I should have mentioned I did see her last November for the first time in 3 1/2 years. It was out of the blue and I wasn't expecting to see her with anyone. As soon as I opened the door I realized this was her new house with her new boyfriend.

 

So not only do I know who she is marrying but I've seen his face before.

 

 

Look at my username and look at the date joined. I still can't deal with this. I can't believe how far this whole situation set me back. My career suffered so badly for the longest time because I couldn't concentrate. I had a painful stomach ulcer due to stress. My dad has passed away since then. There is way to much on my plate to deal with this news.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like shaving my head... drinking bleach.. or killing another guy. I feel like moving to Africa for no reason. I can't sit here and do nothing. This is making me sick to my stomach thinking about them together. Absolutely sick to my stomach.

 

Every time a new girl enters my life I always comapre her to my ex and she always loses. I knew I had something special when I found her and I tried so hard to keep it. Why was I destined for this failure? What was the point of this whole experience? And why does she get all the good karma/luck when she left me the way she did (the way she did it was kinda gutless)

 

Do you know how many times I wake up at 5am to jog for an hour to try and clear my mind because of this? How many times I've thought about her since then or feel asleep with her in my dreams? How do I forgive myself for being selfish and not cherrishing our time together? How many more years do I have to suffer in pain before I get another chance?

 

If I'm dead or wake up in the hospital/jail within the next week I wouldn't be surprised. I'm going to do something really ****ing stupid now. This time the universe has gone to far

 

and p.s.

Wouldn't you agree that my Mom was wrong for even telling me this? I would NOT have known if she wouldn't have told me because I do not even have facebook for this very reason. So why would she even tell me this

[Soul Bear]

Well you could crash the wedding, that movie like 'should anyone have any objections speak now, or forever hold you peace'...to be honest I think this would be better than drinking bleach

 

Bro, NO ONE is worth doing something silly over. If you did, I can Guarantee you would regret it as soon as you had.

 

Maybe your Ma told you this to help you to move on. If she has found love again, you KNOW that you can too. Move away, date foreign women, work in a bar, go traveling...

 

Practice hating her, remember all the unattractive things about her, remember the things you hated, You have built this woman up on a giant pedestal and forgotten who the real star of the show is...thats YOU. ITS YOUR LIFE!! ITS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!!

 

Contrary to many peoples beliefs here, and I know I will be scolded for this big time from several folks, but have you talked to her?

Maybe you need some real closure here. Does she know you still feel this way about her?

[hoping2heal]

My guess is your mom told you because she wanted you to have to face finality so you would move on. You haven't moved on after 4 years because you haven't accepted it's over yet. That's a choice you make and I understand your P.O.V is "mom shouldn't have said anything and stirred up feelings." Normally, she probably shouldn't have, but you're going on several years of grieving a girlfriend, which points to you not letting go.

 

When will you get another chance? When you decide you're ready to let go of the past, when you realise you'll never be with her ever again. No matter how good it was, how happy you were with her it isn't ever happening. Not only that, but she's in love with someone else. There's no turning back, it's over but you're so hellbent on keeping this thing with her alive that you'll hang on by the sheer hope of misery if it means it will still connect you to her.

 

Unfortunately, hanging onto her by means of mourning her and being sad is still not ever going to bring her back. She's gone and this isn't the movies or an episode of grey's anatomy. Crying about it, feeling bad about it, beating yourself up every single day of your life; none of it will ever bring this person back. She has moved on, she has given her heart to another, she is in love with someone else.

 

You clearly have a heart that loves very deep; what a wonderful quality you have. Once you let go of this "gutless" broad and move on, you're going to meet someone who appreciates and falls in love with you. You're going to have happiness again.

[Thornton]

I take it that your ex broke up with you, not the other way around? Sorry, but it sounds like she just wasn't in love with you, regardless of how much you loved her... you loving her isn't enough, she has to love you back too, and she clearly didn't otherwise she wouldn't have left you. Now she has apparently found someone who she does love and is planning to marry him, and I can understand why you feel envious because you wanted her to love you and marry you. You feel like she's with the wrong guy, but I very much doubt if she feels that way... she broke up with you and wants to marry him, and she has every right to do that, you loving her does not oblige her to be with you.

 

You haven't necessarily done anything wrong that made her not want to be with you, and the other guy is not better than you... love is fickle and who knows why we love and are attracted to some people but not others. It is not a competition between you and this other guy... he has not "won"... in fact he probably has no idea who you are. OK,this particular girl didn't love you, but there are plenty of others who would...obviously your relationship was not as great as you think otherwise she wouldn't have ended it, and there is someone out there who will be right for you, more right than your ex could ever be.

 

Your mother probably told you about the wedding because she wants you to finally get over your ex, and to realise that she's gone for good. Four years have passed and still you haven't moved on... you're an ex from her distant past now, I doubt if she wants to hear from you or discuss a relationship that ended almost half a decade ago, particularly when she's marrying someone else. Please leave your ex and her fiance alone, and respect their right to be together and her right to choose not to date you. And please don't crash their wedding and ruin it for them, that would be a really nasty thing to do.

 

If you really can't get over this, perhaps you should speak to a counsellor? In any event, you need to realise that your ex moved on almost half a decade ago and it's time you did the same... she's engaged and she is definitely not coming back to you, so letting go and moving on is all you can do now. You're living in the past, and you're the only one still living there because everyone else has moved on... you need to stop thinking about her and the past, and start thinking about yourself and what you can do to be happy in the future.

[whichwayisup]

Somehow you need to get over her. She's moved on and it's been over 3 years. Sure it's painful and all, but after 3+ years your healing hasn't really happened..

 

The anger, the betrayal you feel, and everything else - Seek counselling before you do something you'll regret.

[KHAOS]

I remember where I was when I heard my ex had gotten married. It's the kinda thing that just rocks you to your core. I have felt A LOT of the same emotions you did, and still kind of do to a degree. Hell, even the whole head shaving thing - that jumped out at me; I wanted to do that myself. To somehow escape the old me, to throw away any semblance of how I used to be and look like when I was with my ex. I wanted a new beginning. There was also a bit of self-loathing. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted out in the worst way. I contemplated hurting myself. Had I gone through with it, yes I would've escaped the pain, but I would've missed out on so many good things, so many learning experiences, and would've missed becoming who I am today.

 

Hang in there, do it with all your might. Nobody is worth throwing yourself away over. It seems like for a lot of us, when it rains, it pours. My mom died within the past year. She happened to die the day my ex found out she was pregnant with somebody else's child. At times, I've almost begun to think that the powers-that-be have a very evil sense of humor.

 

There is no statute on how long it'll take you to recover. It's been about a year and a half since my breakup, and I'm just getting to finally clawing at a way out of this hole I've been in. That's just for my situation. I don't know when I'll ever be able to truly be over it. I too, compared every girl to my ex...still kinda do. I'm still hoping for that one girl who has all the good traits she did, and more, since that is what I know I fell in love with. But maybe Mrs. Right for me will be totally different. I don't know yet. I'll know her when I see her. There will come a day where I achieve that complete disconnect from the past, not this 'I have my good days, I have my bad days' stuff. I hope and wish for that moment every single day. Fortunately I have way more good days now than I do bad. You will get there too.

 

All I can say is: keep going. Push for it. It's not going to walk to you, you have to walk to it. Put one foot in front of the other, or even hold your ground. Sometimes that's all we can do sometimes. If you throw away today just laying in bed and sleeping it away, or whatever you happen to do - that's ok, just get it out of your system. Tomorrow is another chance to try again and break the cycle. Your time in this life is a privilege; don't throw that precious time away by putting energy into fretting over somebody who didn't make you a priority.

 

Re-invent yourself. Find something to make each day different from the rest, even if it's something small - that's all it takes. Sometimes we get stuck in ruts, and that drags us down even deeper when we're in pain.

 

The time will come where somebody, the right person, at the right time, will walk into your life, and you better hope you're not hung up on your ex. That is what I force myself to think about all the time, and that is what I shoot for - getting back to normal. Mrs. Right wants to see somebody who has their **** together, not somebody who still pines over one who's long gone.

 

You can do it, man. We're all pulling for ya.

[mental_traveller]

Why is this bad news? Once someone is your ex, you should no longer have any romantic feelings for them. You need to move on and forget them in that way. It's not like there was any chance of you getting married to your ex!

[CaliGuy]

I think it's better that you do know.

 

So that you gain closure.

So that you heal sooner.

So that you can find someone new.

So that you realize, one day, that you dodged a bullet.

So that you understand you've become a better person because of this experience.

[Cinnamon777]

Have a good cry. Shave your head (if necessary). Take a vacation to a Native American sweat lodge for a few days to purge out your emotions. Go to a boxing gym and beat the crap out of a bag... or with someone that will let you fight them. Call a good friend to take you out and get stinking drunk.

 

It's ok to do SOMETHING... just don't do anything that you will regret. Doing something will help you to cope in the short term, but ultimately it's really time to let go. She has moved on and you are just torturing yourself by holding on.

 

If I could - I would hold you. Let you cry. Tell you it will all be ok... it will you know. You need to love yourself enough to move on. Write a letter to her wishing her well and that you hope she will find everything she ever wanted. If you mail it, you need to believe the sentiment - otherwise burn it and release the energy back to the Universe.

 

If you loved her, then I would think you want her to be happy. She would want that for you too. I'm sure she would not find joy in knowing that you are still suffering from the loss of your relationship to her. If she would find joy in that knowledge, is she really someone you want to be with?

 

Sending you HUGE hugs!!

[dprelz]

It's been a couple of days now and I've taken it all in. Definitely not as angry anymore, though I know if I ever see that guy's face I know I would want to pound his skull into oblivion.

 

I just wanted to clarify, in my defense, because it looks bad that it was so long ago.. We've had contact since then.. on a number of different occasions. She sent me a nostalgic present(favorite teddy bear when she was a kid)on my birthday a couple of years ago in secret (while she was dating this guy I assume). She has a private website that nobody in the entire world knows except me. There is written stuff there about us..

 

When I went to see her in November as soon as she saw my face her eyes turned into stone. I didn't even know this was their house together.. (I got her address from her contact info from a site. She never changed any of her passwords - she knows I wouldn't do anything to harm her). We talked outside in private with the door closed while he stayed inside. Within 5 minutes we were both in tears. I still remember the exact size of her pupils in her eyes. She kept looking at the ground - rarely making eye contact with me. I kept looking at the sky. That encounter was a long time coming. I gave her a little present(a white rock cut that says grace on it )she gave me 10 years ago - before we even started dating, instantly she cried... After that her fat ass boyfriend dropped something in the background and I just left and vowed never to contact her again. I told her I just wanted to see her that one last time. That I had to see her.

 

What is so saddening is how much I know her. Everything about her - from her faults to her dirtiest secrets. I know things about her that she will probably never expose again. We've done things together that we will never do to other human beings again. These are her words not mine..

 

We graduated from the same university in the same class studying the same field. We both enjoy nearly the same things and are intelligence level is on par so our conversations were great.

 

The problem was - I'm younger then her, and admittedly at that time was not as mature(or wise) as I am now. I just couldn't handle her, and when she had problems she was so subtle that I missed the signals. I didn't give her what she needed - and at the time I had literally NO CLUE as to what that was.

 

I know her so well.. I know exactly why she is with this guy. As soon as I saw his face I could tell what he is offering her. She is happy living with a hard working guy who gets up early and works from 9-5 everyday and satisfies her at night. That's basically what she wanted from me.

 

What angers me the most is that I know deep down if I was more of a complete man at that time we would still be together now. I had time. I had time. It just took me too long to get my **** together

 

There was apart of me that was waiting for her - and she was supposed to eventually come back after she saw what else was out there. But she just broke the rules.

 

Fact is, I don't know if our relationship would ever work because I am too passionate about her and it just makes things difficult. I found it very hard to limit time with her and our love was an addiction that we both kept fueling.

 

The first night after I saw her in November she posted something on that site (I posted it here in another thread). She said she was sorry and she will always feel guilty forever. "But what could I do?" is one of the last lines she wrote.

 

And I guess that's the end.

 

At this point, I've been contemplating contacting her indirectly and congratulating her.. letting her know she always has a friend no matter what. I really - from the bottom of my heart - wish HER well. As for her fiancee.. the guy is a total douche I can tell as soon as I saw him. He's older, fatter then me. divorced, has less money, is obviously less intelligent. But I bet he gives it to her good, I also bet he cheats on her with his ex-wife. I would bet any amount of money that they will get divorced within 5 years. I know that sounds cruel and mean but its' the truth. She doesn't even deal with her problems and she just runs away from things.. She still has websites about us, poems, our photos and all the old presents I gave her.. She still has the same phone number, because she said she would never change it - that no matter what she would want us to be in touch later on..

 

That's why I posted in the original message that she was with the wrong guy. That's how I feel. Her parents know me better. Her sister knows me better. Her friends - obviously not her new cool friends - knew me better. He's known what she's BEEN for 3 years, I know who she IS for the past 10.

 

I did all the work to get to this point. I took all the pain. I took so much time to reflect on everything and change and adapt and evolve the last couple of years we weren't together. Ran countless jogs at 5am in the pouring rain to clear my head..

 

I'm better then I've ever been - physically and mentally and I'm ready to be that stable man she envisioned - that she hoped for - that she anticipated I was going to be.. But she didn't give me enough time!

 

It's just too late.

 

Sorry if that was long.. I really appreciate the replies - especially the women on this site, they are always so compassionate.

 

P. S. I did shave my head today. Going to start doing new things. The old me died a very painful and long death

[TheBigCow]

I honestly found that quite inspirational..