Beeotch Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Been separated from my H for a month and a half. He dumped me after 10 years for another woman and has been living with her. I've been doing the limited contact and quite successfully as in it got his interest sparked in me. He wondered about me. That's all well and good but it's backfiring on me...again. He says he misses me so much, can't see me ever being out of his life, I'm his best friend, he's terribly sorry for the pain he has caused me, and has told me he loves me. He has talked about moving back to the city that I live in, finding work here, seeing a therapist and leaving the woman he left me for. He told me today that if someone held a gun to his head and said choose now who you want to be with...it would be me. Great right? Not really. He's still with her and if he loved me so much as he claims, why isn't he with me now? My heart feels like it's being ripped out again and it's my own fault! So, an hour or so after his visit with me, he sends me an email and it basically said, I can't promise you anything, don't want to cause you anymore hurt but let's just see how things go and maybe we can try getting back together after the summer. WTF? Does he honestly think I am going to put my life on hold for 3 months for a MAYBE? He took me out to dinner last night and we went to the movies, held hands throughout. I really thought I was getting somewhere but it's back to the same old, same old and even though my pain has lessened tremendously this past week thinking we would get back together....the pain is now back ten fold! It's just not worth it! Is it? Second chance, yeah right. More like dream on. Second chances are possible under STRICT guidelines, stipulations and watchfulness esp on the part of the dumpee. I think often second chances don't work because 1) People just want back the comfort of the relationship and the issues that caused the breakup were never solved and it is right back to square one, 2) The dumpee is scarred from what happened before so is limited with his/her expression to their partner and that level of trust is not there or 3) People got back together for all the wrong reasons. I think second chances need to be something thought out and not impulsive and TAKEN slowly...even counseling if necessary. Which I guess that's why it makes sense to be away from this person so you can THINK clearly and be more rational and decide on your options...versus you being an emotional wreck or just pining to get back with them that you are in a fog, vulnerable and willing to overlook red flags just to be in the relationship again. If my ex is to return for reconciliation I would have to SEE the change in him and he would have to demonstrate this before I even CONSIDER it. I have to see where his mind is at and if he is just doing it out of loneliness or some other reason. We would also have to take things slow...just be friends for a few months where in that time I could actually see the change...and then after we could try the romantic aspect again. But all this would be over the course of months of conversing, hanging out and really seeing what he is about. Not just a couple weeks where things can still be unclear or pretenses.
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Hi, H&D, haven't seen you in a little while, hope you are doing ok?
Author hopesndreams Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Hi, H&D, haven't seen you in a little while, hope you are doing ok? I am doing ok. I had spent the day with him and he has just left, I feel as though he is a pipe dream, an apparition and wonder if he is flesh and blood. Yeah, I got it bad and I am in desperate need of a diversion. Retail therapy sounds good about now but it's a holiday here in Canada 2morrow, so I think I'll just do a bit of grocery shopping 2nite. I've already got the beer in. We are to meet up this Saturday or Sunday and spend the day together. His therapy session went well 2day. It kills me that he is going home to her. His MOW. I wonder, if I myself, am mentally ill.
LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 I am doing ok. I had spent the day with him and he has just left, I feel as though he is a pipe dream, an apparition and wonder if he is flesh and blood. Yeah, I got it bad and I am in desperate need of a diversion. Retail therapy sounds good about now but it's a holiday here in Canada 2morrow, so I think I'll just do a bit of grocery shopping 2nite. I've already got the beer in. We are to meet up this Saturday or Sunday and spend the day together. His therapy session went well 2day. It kills me that he is going home to her. His MOW. I wonder, if I myself, am mentally ill. Sweetie, you're not mentally ill, your in love. What reasons is he giving for staying with her, remind me?
Author hopesndreams Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 There are 3 very important goals I have set for myself to accomplish, for him but especially for me before he comes home. I am looking at the end of summer, but everything crossed, it happens before then. He wants to make everything right. She can't support herself and her child at this time, but she will be able to when her divorce settlement comes through in August. They also work together and she would make things extremely difficult for him there. He is actively seeking employment in the city I live in and he will be in ongoing therapy. I honestly don't feel as though I am setting myself up for another fall. If he doesn't come back to me I am a better person and in a better place. I have worked on myself and will continue to do so. I now have strengths I never knew existed and have found happiness within me, and am no longer afraid to be alone. Something went terribly wrong between two people that loved each other. The cause must be found and dwelt with before any attempt at reconciliation, otherwise it will be doomed to fail. My whole world crashed down around me on February 12. It was pure hell and torture, and through much soul-searching, I have somehow managed to scrape myself off the pavement and move on. We all have it in us. It's called survival. There is no black and white, only shades of gray. God Bless.
GorillaTheater Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Happy Canada Day, hopes. I've followed your story, and my heart goes out to you. I admit that I'm a bit scared for your heart right now. From everything I've seen, your H is a manipulator of the highest (lowest?) order, and I hate to see you put your heart on the line. Be careful. Guard your heart. God bless you.
Author hopesndreams Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 Today is the 10th day of NC, initiated by me. He still sends me emails letting me know how it's sooooo difficult for him not knowing what's going on in my life and how he is deathly afraid of never seeing me again. I told him explicitly not to contact me unless he was going to tell me the how and when we would get back together but he doesn't respect that. I know about blocking the address but can't seem to do it and every few hours I check to see if he has written me. I get that hope rising when I see there is something from him, but knowing deep down, it will be more of the same old and nothing has changed. I really had such a wonderful life with this man and the memories of such are destroying me. I can't shake him out of my head. There are days of elation when there is the power and control of what will happen in my life, without him, but it's those days of such despair that he is gone and will never come back that stop me dead in my tracks. There is no second chance anymore. I have failed. He has failed me. I need to get into the mindset that it is over and there is no turning back. There, God willing, are many more years of life to be had and things change, people change, circumstances change, everything is all so ever changing, so why, why do I feel as though nothing will change and I will be miserable and pining for this SOB for the rest of my days?
LisaUk Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hi H&D You didn't fail, never think that, he failed you. I think you have done absolutly the right thing, NC, you've made it clear how you feel and until he can commit to working things out with you, you should continue your strong resolve. It hurts. Plain and simple, but your posts to others have been so strong these last couple of weeks. I have noticed such a difference in you and I think you are turning the corner on this. This man is cake eating, you know that right? I know you love him dearly, but you are showing him with NC you might love him, but you are done being treated badly. If he comes back, you will know it is for you, b/c he has realised what he has lost, if not, (and I know this is hard to hear), you are better off without him. You deserve so much better.
2sure Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Cake eating . This man, even though he has left you still NEEDS to know that he has a choice. Needs to know that if he chooses, you will take him back. The things is, with this type of man - whether he can help or not - he is always going to want to know the choice is up to him, that he has options, that everybody loves him. Further, since has left and yet continues this I want everyone to love me crap - if you take him back: You just reinforce all of it. You have to be done with this.
Author hopesndreams Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 So very true. Thx guys. I have just spent a horrible day at work, when is it ever good huh? But, anyways, I had just finished replying to an email he has sent, his 10th since NC, just to remind him, that what I do, where I go, what will happen in my life, is none of his business. I didn't give him all that of course, just the basics...here it is. Please respect my no contact. If you want to get back together, then email me, call me, text me, pound on my door if need me, other than that, I don't need to know. And yes, I am still alive and well. Sorry to be so harsh. Take Care I know this has fed his ego but I just got so tired of all the crap he has been sending. He is sending me stuff deep from within his soul but none of it, none of it, has anything to do with getting back with me. It just has to end. I have said, done everything that needs to be done or said, so flipping tired and so disappointed in him and the disgust is bubbling in me. He needs to leave me alone or get back with me. End of. No in between. As for his cake eating after we went our separate ways, the most he got out of me was a hug, there was no sex. I ain't that stupid. Not that you were implying I was, just wanted to get that point across.
Liquid9898 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Have you consider dating? Is he scared that you might be dating other men? Hove you ever implied that you would like to date others? Do you think it will wake him up a little to taste some of his own medicine?
Author hopesndreams Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 No, I have not considered dating. I really don't think he would be fussed if I was, and if I was it wouldn't be any of his business. We are strict NC now. No, haven't implied I would date others, never, not once. He took my libido with him when he left me. He wouldn't be bothered, in fact, it would allay some of his guilt if I were shagg*ing, which I ain't , and he knows me well enough to know I am not the type to do that without commitment.
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