hopesndreams Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Been separated from my H for a month and a half. He dumped me after 10 years for another woman and has been living with her. I've been doing the limited contact and quite successfully as in it got his interest sparked in me. He wondered about me. That's all well and good but it's backfiring on me...again. He says he misses me so much, can't see me ever being out of his life, I'm his best friend, he's terribly sorry for the pain he has caused me, and has told me he loves me. He has talked about moving back to the city that I live in, finding work here, seeing a therapist and leaving the woman he left me for. He told me today that if someone held a gun to his head and said choose now who you want to be with...it would be me. Great right? Not really. He's still with her and if he loved me so much as he claims, why isn't he with me now? My heart feels like it's being ripped out again and it's my own fault! So, an hour or so after his visit with me, he sends me an email and it basically said, I can't promise you anything, don't want to cause you anymore hurt but let's just see how things go and maybe we can try getting back together after the summer. WTF? Does he honestly think I am going to put my life on hold for 3 months for a MAYBE? He took me out to dinner last night and we went to the movies, held hands throughout. I really thought I was getting somewhere but it's back to the same old, same old and even though my pain has lessened tremendously this past week thinking we would get back together....the pain is now back ten fold! It's just not worth it! Is it? Second chance, yeah right. More like dream on.
5105571 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 WTF? Does he honestly think I am going to put my life on hold for 3 months for a MAYBE? Did you tell him that? If he's serious about getting back with you then he needs to put his money where his mouth is and take some action. If he's not willing to do that, you need to start healing and going about your life. After you start moving on maybe you'll work things out and maybe you won't, but that's not your concern right now. Your concern is feeling better about yourself and the situation he's left you in. The way I see it, your best bet for feeling better about your life is to give him an ultimatum: either he comes back now, or you have to start moving on. Beware: only give ultimatums if you are willing to completely accept either outcome and you never back down from your decision. If you don't do this, then your words will be viewed as empty threats in the future. Anyone else have some more advice?
Author hopesndreams Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 I haven't talked to him yet about the waiting til the end of summer. I would rather speak with him in person instead of doing email. But boy oh boy, he loves doing the email stuff! It's easier for him to say that in an email than to say it to my face. 3 months is unacceptable! It does need to be now but how to go about it? I'm not ready for a showdown. Not yet, anyway. I'm just not strong enough.
5105571 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I'm sorry but him being so impersonal just seems like the coward's way out. You need to talk to him and ask him why he needs to wait 3 months for you two to get back together. Don't get your hopes up when he starts telling you everything you want to hear. It's all just talk, and actions speak louder than words. Find out what he says, and then go from there. I know, a showdown is the hardest thing to do. Unfortunately, the hardest thing is often the best thing, but it's completely understandable if you can't go down that road.
Author hopesndreams Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 We had our talk, face to face, through many tears and he would not commit to coming back to me. I wanted him to come home NOW and he couldn't do that so I gave him the ultimatum and then showed him the door. I then took a lorazapan , went to bed, cried, rested, cried some more. To me, it was over, again, and went through the whole process ,again, of facing life without him and accepting what had taken place. Every now and again there was the big panic of OH NO what have I done??? But, just working through that right now and it's really tough. He sent me an email (big surprise, NOT) and all I can do is shake my head. Yes, I want him but No, I do not want to wait 2 months. Here it is and I am not responding to it til I get some input from the fine folks here at LS. Can anyone help me out with this? Hi Can you give me until the end of July to get things sorted, and if I don't then I will never darken your door again. She says her office is moving by the end of July, so I wouldn't have to see her every day. I know I am a selfish coward, but its what I am. I don't want to live life without you. Please? I swear if I **** up I will walk away forever, and that's not what I want.
5105571 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 okay, the whole point of you putting this all to rest is to make it stop hurting you. I've let things drag on myself, and it just prolongs the pain. I'm not telling you to never talk to him again, because that is honestly not advice I can ever give. I will tell you that sitting around waiting for him is not healthy and it can just lead you to a big letdown when July rolls around. If you do decide to return that e-mail, let the dust settle for a little while (you decide on how long though). Emotions are running high for both of you and he seems like he's operating on panic mode, so let him calm down for a little while. If you've said your piece to him, and you know he isn't being strung along, there probably isn't much to talk about. Remember, if you gave him the ultimatum, then he could've been with you NOW, he just chose not to. The choice was his and not yours. I personally wouldn't put my life on hold for three months for a woman who was spending her time with another man. By doing this you're keeping your dignity. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. What is his reasoning as to why he can't do this now? Why does he have to wait until July, or (at first) the end of summer? Why does he have to be with another woman while you guys are waiting? This reeks of selfishness. Any more advice from anyone out there?
Leveller Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 What he is doing is both unfair and disrespectful to you. Seeing it from his point of view I suspect he has got itchy feet, she turned his head and h's got grass is greener syndrome. I suspect that as long as you let him do this he will begin to Yo-Yo from you to this other woman or with someone else.
Author hopesndreams Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 He says we are destined to be together and wants to die in my arms. The MOW he left me for is awaiting a settlement for her divorce in August which would give her enough money to start her life over without my H. He doesn't want to leave her now because she would have no way to support herself. He says their relationship is fine but he misses me, loves me and is totally remorseful for what he has put me through and wants me back. Waiting for what is best for her ticks me off. He's placing more value on her than on us. Because of the ultimatum he decided the end of July because then he would no longer have to see her at work, he feels she would make things extremely difficult for him there. I told him he needs to face what he has done, take what's coming to him and to do what he wants to do. I don't see how being 2 months longer apart would strengthen our relationship, it would only weaken it right? And in the process I am losing my self-esteem and dignity.
5105571 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Only weaken it sweetie. Think of it like this, if he knows you'll always be there no matter how badly he treats you (and this is horrible), then he'll only take you for granted. Then if you did try to get back together under that pretense, your reconcilition would definitely get off on the wrong foot. He's being way too nice with her. I don't know what the man is thinking, but if the love of my life told me I'd risk losing her if I didn't act soon, then neither hell nor high water would stop me from getting her back.
Author hopesndreams Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Once again things could, and should, have gone smoother for us, and yet it didn't. I want you to go on and be happy love. I do love and care about you....some days I so need to come home, but things are a little complex, and I can't. I wish I could say more, but as of now it is difficult to share much. Don't waste anymore time on me....I am not a good person, and will end up lonely and miserable, which is what I deserve. I replied with stuff it.
Author hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 He wrote this on his BB...that's why there are typos. It's also just more manipulation because he knows what buttons to push. When I go cold, he goes hot. I won't bother you again this weekend, but would like to talk on Monday.. I am living with a pain I have never experienced. It won't go away no matter what, and even if I came home it would simply change. I cannot go on, and foir the first time in my life I think of doing things to ease or end the pain. Bing the selfish coward I am though, I wouldn't have the guts anyway, so moot point. Its not even that I want to keep you around as a way of easing my guilt, or having you to fall back on if things don't work out here. I honestly cannot put my finger on what it is. I do know that you don't deserve my crap. I see my counsellor on Tuesday. I will talk with him. Can we talk after? I see no end to this. We have to see each other Monday, can't get out of that one and now he wants to see me Tuesday as well.
tinke Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Oh brother, sorry, but IF he truly was sincere about WANTING to come home--nothing would stop him! So, he'd rather leave you uneasy than cause conflict with her? It seems he has already made his choice. I cannot imagine waiting for someone who choses to be with someone else, even if he claims it is temporary. In the meantime, he is with her, doing couple things. He already is wishy-washy with his e-mails, "wait for me....no, move on, I am not a good person". Is he the victim here, NO! So, what is to say he wouldn't give her the same line, and leave you again to return to her? It just appears that he is waiting it out with her to see how things go, with you as a back up. (?) I can't say I can recall any situation that would prevent a (single)man from being with the one he truly wants to be with. I recall a poster's words here, "if a man wants to be with you, nothing will stand in his way--if he doesn't, nothing you say will convince him" Try to step back and review the situation as if you were consoling a friend, what would be your advice? It is a cowardly act! And him admitting he is a coward, doesn't make it anymore feasible.
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 He wrote this on his BB...that's why there are typos. It's also just more manipulation because he knows what buttons to push. When I go cold, he goes hot. I won't bother you again this weekend, but would like to talk on Monday.. I am living with a pain I have never experienced. It won't go away no matter what, and even if I came home it would simply change. I cannot go on, and foir the first time in my life I think of doing things to ease or end the pain. Bing the selfish coward I am though, I wouldn't have the guts anyway, so moot point. Its not even that I want to keep you around as a way of easing my guilt, or having you to fall back on if things don't work out here. I honestly cannot put my finger on what it is. I do know that you don't deserve my crap. I see my counsellor on Tuesday. I will talk with him. Can we talk after? I see no end to this. We have to see each other Monday, can't get out of that one and now he wants to see me Tuesday as well. Blimey H&D no idea you were going through this! I'd insist on sitting in on the counselling session if I were you, time you found out what's really going on in his head!
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 H&D, you have helped me a lot on my threads, so I hope i can help you a little. The fact is, he is with OW for a reason, I doubt it's a good reason but for him at some point it made sense. Seperating from her is the same difficulties as divorce/seperation. I'm not justifying what he has put you through, this is entirely inexcusable but in his own head, he has got to be very confused and having a hard time deciding (just like when he left you for her) Personaly if it where me, I'd be willing to wait just for the comfort of knowing that he made the decision on his own. Not in a rush or out of fear of being wrong. That way your new relationship is based on a strong foundation where all the doubts no longer exist or at least have been explored. I would put conditions on this however. He wants you back now rather then the other way around, you hold all the cards. Tell him when to see you and how often. Make him do the work over those months and be very clear of the time line. If he says at the end of summer then changes his mind, walk and don't look back. People like that aren't worth a smart woman like yourself. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 H&D, you have helped me a lot on my threads, so I hope i can help you a little. The fact is, he is with OW for a reason, I doubt it's a good reason but for him at some point it made sense. Seperating from her is the same difficulties as divorce/seperation. I'm not justifying what he has put you through, this is entirely inexcusable but in his own head, he has got to be very confused and having a hard time deciding (just like when he left you for her) Personaly if it where me, I'd be willing to wait just for the comfort of knowing that he made the decision on his own. Not in a rush or out of fear of being wrong. That way your new relationship is based on a strong foundation where all the doubts no longer exist or at least have been explored. I would put conditions on this however. He wants you back now rather then the other way around, you hold all the cards. Tell him when to see you and how often. Make him do the work over those months and be very clear of the time line. If he says at the end of summer then changes his mind, walk and don't look back. People like that aren't worth a smart woman like yourself. TOJAZ That's good advice and I'm inclined to agree, what concerns me though is he just keeping you as back up? But, Tojaz is right, even if he is you will know if you wait it out. Just think it is killing you in the process. H&D sweetie, what do you think?
Author hopesndreams Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 thx for the advice guys, it's cleared my head up a wee bit. I suppose my biggest fear in all this is losing him a second time, and I couldn't deal with that crushing blow again. I'm not made of steel. The way I want to deal with it, and move on, but am unable to, is to tell him it's over and that we are done. That way I can get him out of my head once and for all. But, you do bring up a good point Lisa, to stick around long enough to find out what's really going on in his head? I deserve to know that much. But the more this drags on, the more I am losing myself. My intent is not to railroad him into making a decision, even though it does seem that way at times. I have given him many chances to make things right and quite a bit of time actually, 4 1/2 months now of this back and forward. If I can just hold out for that bit longer, then maybe, just maybe ........ and that's where my thoughts are. What if. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Clean, quick breaks are best and if this were to ever happen to me again down the line, that's how it would be.
jayboy Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I am in a similar position to H&D except I am he guy who has been dumped and I am waiting until September to find out whether my GF will give me another chance. H&D has been helpful in my thread, so I thought I would offer my thoughts. It may seem like you are putting your life on hold and are being taken advantage of, but sometimes I think you have to be the bigger person. I could end things now with my GF and move on, but after 8 years I am prepared to wait a couple of months to see what happens. If she takes me back then great, if not then at least I can walk away with my head held high knowing that I did everything I possibly could to make my relationship work.
LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 H&D, if it helps, my ex messed me about for 5 weeks before he left, different situation, under the same roof, but I have to say i would swap the pain I have now, for the hell I had then.
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 H&D, if it helps, my ex messed me about for 5 weeks before he left, different situation, under the same roof, but I have to say i would swap the pain I have now, for the hell I had then. Don't ever say that, this pain will heal and make you stronger. That hell would have lasted forever, and still ended with pain. You will get stronger from this, a constant hell would have destroyed you. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Don't ever say that, this pain will heal and make you stronger. That hell would have lasted forever, and still ended with pain. You will get stronger from this, a constant hell would have destroyed you. TOJAZ Yes, I know, but there was a chance, he was struggling with it, I'm sure, all I could sense from him was panic, now there's no chance!
Author hopesndreams Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Morning H&D, how are you today? Not too bad, you? I have a bit of an update to my situation. I had wrote him an email last nite pretty much telling him what I thought of the whole situation. Here is the major part of it. I think your confusion stems from the fact you did not detach from me before pursuing other interests. In other words, you were still in love with me! Your low self-esteem, brought on by deep-rooted painful childhood memories of your father abandoning you at such a pivotal stage in your early years, and your ****ty marriage with C****, is what drove you. Your guilt and shame of what you had done, not just to my life but to yours as well, is now in the drivers seat. You need to take back control of your life through working on ridding yourself of your weaknesses and building on your strengths. You are a good man, and he is still there, but he is now hidden and you need to bring him back out. It will be a long, tough road ahead for you but so worth it in the end. Hopefully you will find true happiness, within yourself, and not rely on others for it. That's why I forgive you and will never stop loving you. I could never hate you. You have given me a good life while we were together. I will never, ever forget you and I promise to not think of the bad things, but only the good. We are both in pain. What has happened to us really sux. Here is his response. Reading what you just wrote made me cry. I think much of what you said is fairly well close to the mark. I also think, aside from what you said, that I also have a lot of anguish about the direction C's life took, and even, to an extent, M's and E's. (our kids) I feel like I failed dismally, and then I started to fail you. I didn't help you out much in the last couple of years, and yes you are totally right when you say I didn't detach myself before deciding to pursue other things. I did still love you, and I still do. Whenever I am out and about I am always turning and looking for you, but you are not there, and this has not lessened any since the first day we were apart. You were not just a part of my life, you were my life and I removed my arm to heal a blister on my little finger. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see me, but when I look at myself internally I don't recognize me, and I don't recognize the situations I am in. How will this play out in time? I don't know, and I sincerely do fear for my state of mind at times. I am so very afraid to have no contact with you, and I agree the back and forth emailing is good for neither of us, but no contact will be very difficult, although if th at is your wish I will go along with it. I am still convinced that the final pages on us have yet to be written, and we still have elements of a shared destiny, but again I cannot predict how or when this will come to pass.
her_halo_slipped Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 He's still with her and if he loved me so much as he claims, why isn't he with me now? I think the fact he isn't says it all. Hopesndreams you know what they say " Actions speak louder than words". Stop your torment and let him go.
Author hopesndreams Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Thx for the in-depth response. If only it were that simple. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. Our 1st marriages were disasters.
LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Hi I get the strong feeling from your posts that you are not ready to give up on this yet, as much as it is hurting you. I understand that completely. I really don't know if your H is really struggling here, or if he is just trying to keep you on a string in case things don't work out with this OW. The way i see it you have 3 options 1. you continue to have contact and wait it out 2. you go NC and hope that this makes him miss you enough to leave OW 3. You pull the plug totally and file I can't tell you what to do, only you can decide. I do however think that you need to give yourself more time to make this decision. I wish I could help more, I can feel the pain you are in form reading your posts. Keep posting, we are here for you.
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