NotNow Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Hey, I'm new here, turning to outside sources for thoughts/insight, because I don't want to talk to my friends about this yet. I'll try not to make this terribly long. Backstory: I met this awesome guy through mutual friends a little over a year ago when I was visiting my friends in their city. I was still in school, and lived about 6 hours away. Anyways, this guy got my number, and we proceeded to text and talk online daily, and talk on the phone about once a week or so. That summer I visited my friends frequently, and he and I ended up sleeping together. When I was back in school we continued to talk/text/IM daily; he would visit me at my apartment, and I would visit him at his house, so we saw each other at least once a month (usually for long weekends, but there were a couple breaks where I was down there for 2 wks at a time). He's not my boyfriend, but he might as well be, because we're emotionally supportive of each other, friends with each other's families, we're dating exclusively, and have said "I love you." We have both said to each other (because of distance), it's ok for you to date other people. It's just that neither of us is interested in doing that at the moment (he's also older, in his early 30s; I just got my masters and am mid 20s). It's also implied that he would be my bf if I moved down there. Fast forward: I just finished my degree a couple weeks ago. I intend to move down there, and am looking for a job down there. I want to stress that he is not the reason I want to move down there, he's more of a bonus. However, I have student loans, and I can't afford to move out of my parent's house until I do get a job. As everyone knows, the job market sucks, so even though I've been proactive about this, it's tough. I know it's hard to get a job when you're not living in the area, so I plan on going down for a couple weeks at a time until I get a job (I just don't have a place to live, can't afford one, but I can stay with him or friends for a few days at a time). Anyways, that's kind of beside the point. Today he mentioned that he's not going to do this for much longer; this being the long distance thing. I don't blame him at all; I told him that I don't want him to feel like his dating life is on hold because of me, he said he doesn't. We've also had the job convo and stuff, so he definitely knows what's up with me. Anyways, since he mentioned it, I've been thinking about it. I intend to move down there, but to be honest, that is 100% dependent on me getting a job. With the job market the way it is, and my inability to actually live down there in the meantime, who knows when that will be?! Anyways, now I can't help but think that maybe I should just "break up" with him, and then if I end up being able to move, seeing if he's still interested and available. The thought of doing that breaks my heart, but I don't want to be unfair to him. I don't really know what my question is, other than the one in the title, but I really want to hear other people's take on this. And geez sorry it's so long! I hope some of you made it this far.
start-fresh Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 In my opinion, you shouldn't break up with him. It's his decision to carry on as you have been doing as well. He has as much of a right to end things as you do and he doesn't want to apparently, so why break up prematurely? If he gets to the point where he doesn't want to deal with it, part ways amicably and see where you end up getting a job. If you find one near him, then see where he's at.
WineCountry Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I agree with Amistad. I do see in your post that you mentioned he told you he wasn't going to be able to do the long distance thing much longer. So, maybe breaking up IS on his mind. I can understand. I give you two credit for pulling it off as long as you did. Long distance relationships probably arent the 'best' thing to do. But then, it's not like you planned on meeting someone 6 hrs away. Just make sure that you honestly want to move there for other reasons, and NOT just him. Because if you break up, he could find someone else he is not willing to part with if you move there. You have to be prepared for that emotionally. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking about things that will matter, like finding a job, place to stay, etc. Don't do ANYTHING based on your heart, BELIEVE ME. Good luck with whatever you guys decide. I know it must be tough.
OverThinker Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 In my opinion, you shouldn't break up with him. It's his decision to carry on as you have been doing as well. He has as much of a right to end things as you do and he doesn't want to apparently, so why break up prematurely? If he gets to the point where he doesn't want to deal with it, part ways amicably and see where you end up getting a job. If you find one near him, then see where he's at. I agree, If you want to keep going the way you have then the decision to end it is in his hands. On the other hand it seems that even though you made it clear that you weren't moving until you found a job, in his mind he may be viewing it that you are moveing down there for him, He may need a little reassurance that you care about him and want to be with him but you are protecting your financial health. So I say don't make it your decision to break make it his, because there is the flip side that he may have another girl on the line and wants you to make the break so he has no guilt. BTW I am a guy so you know how to take my view. Good Luck to you:D
Author NotNow Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Thanks everyone, it helps to hear what others have to say about this. It might just be the stress of looking for a job (especially when all I hear is how terrible it is and everyone seems to be getting laid off!) and worrying about my future, but his comment just really set me off thinking about this.
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