Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 My thought here is I think ALL of us, no matter how deeply we have been hurt, have had fantasies of reconciliation. Some of us have been cheated on lied to and ripped apart. What if there was a chance of are ex partners coming back? What would they have to say and do in order to win back your love,trust, companionship? There is many positive things out there. People getting back together and being happy even after affairs and being treated absolutly horrible. What if we could get back with our exs and be happy? What would it take? Or when do you say there has just been to much water under the bridge?
tigerstripes Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Oh yeah I totally think about being with him all the time. And then I remember what he did and know that I don't really want to be with him. I still love him. Nothing he could ever do would earn my trust. I'm not going to settle for getting back together with someone who has treated me badly. I don't deserve that, I deserve better. I guess I can understand wanting to do that to save a marriage or for their children, but neither of those apply to me. The reality is, I'll probably never hear from him again anyway. I can't imagine he would want to know what his deception has done to me nor explain what he did.
TheBigCow Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Believe in karma tigerstripes (at least for the time being to give yourself a wee smile) I think the point where you can think about this and honestly tell yourself "I would not get back together with him", is an important step. Sure you may still want to, but once you accept it just wouldn't work or something to that effect, then these dreams become less harmful. Until then I think the false hope is a little damaging and people should try to avoid thinking about it.
tigerstripes Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Believe in karma tigerstripes (at least for the time being to give yourself a wee smile) I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I want for him to get the help that he needs so that he can lead a happy life...just not with me. But I agree that you have to let go of the false hope as soon as you can.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Believe in karma tigerstripes (at least for the time being to give yourself a wee smile) I think the point where you can think about this and honestly tell yourself "I would not get back together with him", is an important step. Sure you may still want to, but once you accept it just wouldn't work or something to that effect, then these dreams become less harmful. Until then I think the false hope is a little damaging and people should try to avoid thinking about it. The point to this thread is there are many people here that do have hopes. This is a place where you can release those hopes and fantasies instead of replaying them over and over in there minds. It not only will help people to hear there are other people out there with the same hopes, but help the people who are thinking about reconciliation. People out there that are trying to reconcile. There is alot of things that go through are minds that aren't considered damaging, but dosen't stop them from resurfacing.
huck Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 A part of me would love to take my ex back - but after all she put me through Id probably never feel happy again and always be waiting for the same thing to happen again. If I could take back the sweet, funny, confident girl of a year ago - then yeah bring it on.. Not the cheating, insecure girl she became.. Not that im bitter or anything !!!
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 It's great if you can accept that your over and can move on. What happens if the ex does come back? It does happen. Here is mine.. When having contact with my ex he would talk about possibly having a future. Which does not help my getting over him. I did lay it out for him. I want a divorce no matter what happens. We had trouble with the "friends" part of it for many reasons. He did cheat on me. The last time I found out was after he asked for a divorce. He swears he did it after he asked for the divorce but cheating is cheating. He would have to get therapy for himself. His cheating is because he is not happy with himself and looks for reassurance in other women. After the divorce is final if he was seeking therapy and we were able to be friends. We could try counsoling together. If someday we ever found it right to get remarried we would. Yes there are children involved. Nothing is set in stone. I am still doing NC. I am still moving on doing my coping. In the future if he ever did come back by that time these feelings and fantasies may completley fade away from my mind. I do beleive everything happens for a reason and fate will lead us to the place we are suppose to be. If you want to knock me for how I feel my fantasy or even posting this thread. Thats your buisness. If you want to keep repeating how it dosen't help not to accept your situation, you really not need to waste your breath I have heard it over and over and don't find my thread wrong by asking people how they feel.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 PS.. I realize the last part may have sounded a bit miserable. I just want to make it clear that I know there are going to be people that knock me for any thoughts of reconciliation and thats fine. BUT HEY sh*t happens people! Mostly when we least excpect it and I wanted some insight. SO PLEAAAAASE try to be kind lol. Please don't knock anyone that posts. It isn't fair to them and how they feel. If you feel the urge to be a brat and say OMG reconciliation what a laugh. Better not to post. Were not here to change eachothers minds were here to support eachother. To all that have and are reading this and posted thank you! I hope to hear more from you all.
playlislay Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I would sing naked in every capital city across the globe.........does that make me clinically insane?
Lishy Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Well, I had my chance My ex cheated on me, I broke it off and fell to pieces and had the same fantasies of getting back together, I wished I could erase the lying and cheating and be how we were. He left me for a young girl and it killed me Then the texts started and then the calls, he tried to get me back, told me he loved me and messed up big time, told me he lost the best thing that happened to him and one day he grabbed my hands and asked me what he could do to make it ok and get back together .... I looked at him and told him "there is nothing you can do as you have done too much to me" He said what nothing at all? I said no and I walked away! I wanted him back and then when I had the chance I realised I was worth so much more then what he could offer me. I understand why you feel how you do but like it or not, you will never feel the same about this guy and he will never make you happy! Trust is the most important factor in a successful relationship and when its gone it will never come back
fabulous_chk Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Well, I had my chance My ex cheated on me, I broke it off and fell to pieces and had the same fantasies of getting back together, I wished I could erase the lying and cheating and be how we were. He left me for a young girl and it killed me Then the texts started and then the calls, he tried to get me back, told me he loved me and messed up big time, told me he lost the best thing that happened to him and one day he grabbed my hands and asked me what he could do to make it ok and get back together .... I looked at him and told him "there is nothing you can do as you have done too much to me" He said what nothing at all? I said no and I walked away! I wanted him back and then when I had the chance I realised I was worth so much more then what he could offer me. I understand why you feel how you do but like it or not, you will never feel the same about this guy and he will never make you happy! Trust is the most important factor in a successful relationship and when its gone it will never come back I thought I made this post lol!!!! Same thing here. He asked me what he could do to put things right, I said there's nothing that anybody can do. You think you want that second chance, but when it is presented to you, you realize you cannot put yourself in the position where he/she can hurt you again.
Lishy Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I think that when we get cheated on we feel so thrown away and discarded and the need to make it all ok becomes immense. When they are with someone else we also get a need to know we can get them back if we want to. That was how I felt. He closed it by cheating and then I closed it by knowing I could get him back and not taking him! Who wants a cheat and a liar? They are 2 a penny! Not worth a light!
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Thank you lishy for sharing your story.. I disagree that you can't get trust back in a relationship. The problem is its alot of work and more then MOST pepole want to deal with.. What you did was "GREAT" somtimes when wounds are still fresh it is hard for us to imagine us being so strong and just walking away. I am glad you were able to. I definetly remind myself everytime that thought and fantasy enters my head at what hard work it would be and how many more problems it would create in my life. Overall I hope to just move on. The lingering "hope" sux! Although I have to say it dosen't come around as often as it did. It kinda bit me again when I was speaking to a friend from church about divorce groups and somehow reconciliation came up and how everything was possible with god. It gave me a bit of a think and I thought to myself. Could he really change? I think ANYONE can change and I will never give up on that idea. Many people won't change, not because they can't but because they don't want to. Takes alot of effort to be a better person. Even though my hope will completley fade for him. I never want to lose hope in people all together..
fabulous_chk Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 This is too sad Lishy. I want to be as strong and say the same thing, but I have a glimmer of hope that we can still rebuild our relationship. (See, he thought I cheated first. Then I said and did several stupid things that made him believe the relationship is over.) Who knows what can happen? We are both in the process of healing. I'm a little ahead of him in that area. He still holds my blanket every night, hugging it - while I managed to throw away all evidence that we were ever together. I have dated and liked other men (and women) and he still cannot forgive himself for letting me go. Who knows what can happen? I am too tired to fight my feelings, but at the same time I am stronger than I was 2 months ago. I know I can live without him and be happy. Do I prefer that? I still don't know.
hopesndreams Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 He just needs to show up at my door with his suitcase. Yeah, I know, I haven't learned anything! lol
Lishy Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 JDW, that is what I am left struggling with, I have lost hope in ALL men now. I know it is wrong but I cant help it. I also respectfully disgaree that you can get the trust back to what it was. I trusted my ex 100% and yes it was a blind trust. I would never trust him again no matter how hard he worked at it. I would always know in my heart he was capable of cheating and no matter what he did I would still know it. I dont blame you for having the feelings you have, I had them too. When push came to shove I knew that he was not good enough for me! He never will be! I wish you strength and hope that you get the chance you want. If it is meant to be then it will be!
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 This is too sad Lishy. I want to be as strong and say the same thing, but I have a glimmer of hope that we can still rebuild our relationship. (See, he thought I cheated first. Then I said and did several stupid things that made him believe the relationship is over.) Who knows what can happen? We are both in the process of healing. I'm a little ahead of him in that area. He still holds my blanket every night, hugging it - while I managed to throw away all evidence that we were ever together. I have dated and liked other men (and women) and he still cannot forgive himself for letting me go. Who knows what can happen? I am too tired to fight my feelings, but at the same time I am stronger than I was 2 months ago. I know I can live without him and be happy. Do I prefer that? I still don't know. Well, confusion is pretty ugly. I think its best to follow your heart. Somtimes we can't for whatever reasons. When it all boils down to it though, could you reconcile and be happy? Maybe you should just be friends for a while and whatever happens ,happens? I would definetly take sometime to clear your head and maybe try working on being friends if thats what you want. If not you said yourself you know now you can live without him. I hope your mind clears soon and you take the right path.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 JDW, that is what I am left struggling with, I have lost hope in ALL men now. I know it is wrong but I cant help it. I also respectfully disgaree that you can get the trust back to what it was. I trusted my ex 100% and yes it was a blind trust. I would never trust him again no matter how hard he worked at it. I would always know in my heart he was capable of cheating and no matter what he did I would still know it. I dont blame you for having the feelings you have, I had them too. When push came to shove I knew that he was not good enough for me! He never will be! I wish you strength and hope that you get the chance you want. If it is meant to be then it will be! You knew you couldn't trust him again. Thats good enough for me. I guess its just me hearing stories of people having a better relationship than they did before. I guess I want to beleive thats possible. At the same time I want to feel as strong as you are now and if he comes back beable to walk away. I am so blurred somtimes. I wish I could go and be a monk for 6 months clear my mind and meditate. The confusion is definetly killing me. Thank you for your kind words Lishy!
fabulous_chk Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Well, confusion is pretty ugly. I think its best to follow your heart. Somtimes we can't for whatever reasons. When it all boils down to it though, could you reconcile and be happy? Maybe you should just be friends for a while and whatever happens ,happens? I would definetly take sometime to clear your head and maybe try working on being friends if thats what you want. If not you said yourself you know now you can live without him. I hope your mind clears soon and you take the right path. We are trying to hold on to each other as friends, but we are acting like lovers. We slip and call each other "baby." We say "I love you" to each other. He has said he only wants friendship (I have told him time and time again we cannot get back together) but his actions tell me different. This time, ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I am just going with the flow. The different thing this time is - my world has opened. He is not the center of my life now. I have allowed many people in my circle instead of just having him in my life.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Unless this old pattern of behavior with you two is bothering you, I would agree and go with the flow. If not you would obviously have to put your foot down and probably have alot less contact with him. Either way things have a way of working themselves out one way or another. Keep me posted..
TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I have lost hope in ALL men now. I know it is wrong but I cant help it. I have lost hope in women. I was saying the other day to a friend wouldn't it be useful if there were three choices, that way you could be a woman, be fed up with men and date the third type....
sao2 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 We tried and guess what. The things that it would take for me to consider taking her back. Well they were too much for her to handle. Probably for the best.
Soul Bear Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I have lost hope in women. I was saying the other day to a friend wouldn't it be useful if there were three choices, that way you could be a woman, be fed up with men and date the third type.... I got some news for ya!!! There are 3 choices...but i have to warn you that its not a recommended path. Try a transvestite a heshe or a shehe P.S- never lose hope in the opposite sex. Dont let one person cloud your views of all the other amazing people out there, and they are out there, infact i have met several on this site already
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 He just needs to show up at my door with his suitcase. Yeah, I know, I haven't learned anything! lol LOL! Short sweet and honest. I love it. But I am sure you have learned somthing.
Recommended Posts