deeply hurt

[banser123]

I am hoping for some advice. My story is a little complicated and long, please be patient, I really am hurting and need help. To try to briefly summarize, I was really good friends with a girl I work with. We became very close over 4 years at work and people at work called us husband and wife. We went to lunch everyday together. We are both single. I have no kids, she has 2. As close as we were it was only during work. For some reason we never hung out or even talked or texted after work. I really liked her but wasnt sure how she felt and being that we worked together I figured I would let it be.

 

One night I got a text from her at midnight. She said she had a sitter for the night and her friend stood her up and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I was extremely happy. We went for drinks and she told me after I dropped her off that she really had a great time and we should do it more often. For the next month we started hanging ot more often, sometimes alone and sometimes with her kids. I knew I had to tell her how I felt but was nervous. Then one day she shocked me and told me she wanted more than friendship. We spoke about it for a few hours on the phone then agreed we would date. We both agreed that we would not tell the people at work because we wanted to see how thins went. Things were great. She texted me so much calling me honey and baby and saying she was thinking of me all the time and was glad I was in her life. I thought she was crazy about me and I felt the same. She did tell me she was scared and insecure but told me to be patient and it would pay off.

After about 6 weeks she told me that she didnt want to date me anymore and cut me off. She didnt want to give me false hopes and she felt no chemistry. She said I was too nice and it turned her off a little. But it didnt make any sense because she told me at first that she really liked those qualities from me. I was shocked and confused and hurt badly. Things at work were so akward, we didnt talk anymore and people started making assumptions. She moved from her apartment into her friends brothers place. Once again, things at work were horrible and uncomfortable.

 

After 3 months of not talking she called me one day and we agreed to talk. She apologized and told me it was because she was very scared. She feels as tho I will get tired of her in the future and break her heart and she cant take that. We had a nice talk and agreed to be friends with the intentions of getting back to dating. For the next few months we spent a lot of time together. We met for coffee after work everday and I was helping her find another apartment. She found one 3 blocks from mine. She moved in and I picked her up every morning dropped off her kids to school, 2 different schools then went to work. After work I drove her to the daycare to pick up the kids and drove them all home. One of her kids has a disability and needs to be carried. I carried him up 2 flights of stairs every day twice a day. After a few weeks she started telling me that she was scared again and had no feelings. I was upset but she didnt cut me off and just before valentines day she said she wanted to date again. But she made me promise I would not hurt her, which I did. We dated for about 2 months and things seemed good. She was depressed about other things, one of her kids has a disability and that was effecting her. I was always there to hold her when she cried and wipe away her tears and console her. She told me she wanted me in her life. But she also felt ashamed of her situation. Then one day out of the blue she broke up with me agian. She said she hoped her feelings would get stronger but they didnt, but she didnt explain why. She said we didnt have a future together. I was so good to her. I did so much for her, too much to write.

 

The one thing is that this girl has had a very bad past. No family, parents left her and are drud addicts, the father of her kids is a jerk who doesnt bother with them or pay as much as he should. She didnt have too many friends. But I admired her because she carried herself so good. She is educated, has a god job and is very polite and shy. I feel as tho she could of went down stream and gave up but carried herself good for what she is dealing with.

I am very depressed and hurting. I know it sounds complicated and people tell me to forget her because she is no good. But I know her and her situation and I feel for her and understand. I want her back but I want her to feel more comfortable about herself and me being with her. She never used me for money or anything like that and there was not any other men involved. She said she wanted to be alone for a while.I tried to talk but she didnt want to at first, then we met briefly but she was firm. I cant understand how at first she was crazy about me now she cuts me off. I didnt do anything wrong. It has been 3 and a half weeks now and she hasnt even called or texted me. She hasnt been at work since we broke up because she took a leave of absence to take care of her son. She is supposed to come back tomorrow.

Please help me. I cant get her out of my mind and I want things to be better, even if it means being friends again at first. I hope she has feelngs for me and is just scared rather than her just using me for help and lying to me. It was so special at first and I cant believe what has happened.

Please help. Thanks

[banser123]

I notice that there are no replies. I am sorry this is long but I am really confused and hurting and need advice. Thank you for any help

[redy2]

have you ever heard of the ladder theory? look it up on wikipedia.

[banser123]

i looked up the ladder theory but I dont think that is the case because she doesnt even want to be friends. Plus she was the one to initiate the relationship in the first place. That is why im confused

[boogieboy]

She tried you out and it didnt work for her, its that simple. You probably are too nice, and that kills an attraction many times. If you dont know what "too nice" means, google it. I think theres a thread on it here too. Someone as confused as her cannot convey what she wants, she'll just try it out and hopes it all falls into place. But it didnt. You spent waaaay too much time with her when you werent dating, so she never got a chance to miss you. You were too available, and offering too much of yourself.

 

Most of that time she was using you as a friend, but I think she just got tired of you and is seeing someone else now who will be the polar opposite of you. This woman wasnt for you anyways. Move on, you will understand when you find another girl that isnt confused, and is stable minded, and is attracted to you from the very start.

 

On another note, I used to do this behaivor in high school, hanging around girls hoping they would like me. Dont do it, you'll just set yourself up for dissappointment. If you like a girl, go for it immediately, if she isnt feeling you, leave her alone, move on to the next, and dont let her use you for friendship.

[banser123]

I understand what you are saying and I am not trying to be difficult its just that this is a difficult situation. She hasnt dated much and has very low self esteem. She also doesnt get out much because of her kids and having no one to watch them most of the time. and she is depressed and likes to stay in and be alone alot. I know anything is possible but I dont think there is another guy involved. She hasnt returned to work in 6 weeks. She had a 3 week leave of absence because her son had a surgery, but the last 3 weeks she hasnt returned and she has only called my boss just a couple of times making new excuses. Everyone at work thinks she is ashamed to come back, not only for cutting me off but for her situation in general. She would tell me alot that she felt embarrassed by her sutuation. Its hard noot to feel bad for her. Maybe she was using me but there were times when she seemed liked she really wanted it but was afraid and ashamed of her situation. Its just bad that she wont even call me to see how I am doing or at least try to make work more comfortable by trying to befriends. If anything I am the one who is hurt, why is she cutting me off.

As far as waiting around for her, we worked together so thats why I didnt make a move sooner, just to clear that up.

thanks for any feedback

[banser123]

latest update, still nc she still hasnt showed up to work eithet, no calls to her manager or anything. I know she was tight financially to begin, this is pretty strange. i hope she hasnt hit the deep end with her depression, it seems she has given up