Shygirl15 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 So my BF is officially treating me like crap. Not directly, but when I log on MSN he immediately logs out. Anyways, so I asked a male friend of mine as to why men treat women like crap after the honeymoon period is over, and he goes "the problem with you women is that you put 'it' out too soon. Men love challenge. You girls need to put your men to work if you want to hold on to them. If you make it too easy, we tend to lose interest. I think some of you girls think giving 'it' to your man will make him want you more. Well, it ain't so, unfortunately"! I was like WTF? When we do what my friend described, we are the game players, right? When we expose ourselves with our feelings, they lose interest! So what works?? Keep in mind, the jerk of a boyfriend had to wait 4 long weeks before he had the 'goodies' lol! Anyways, I'm thinking of switching to women maybe. We'll see. Men are just way too confusing to me. Opinions?
LovieDove24 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Lol. Sorry just laughing about you wanting to switch over to women. I think every female has felt that way at one point or another. Anyways to answer your question, I once believed this notion to be true. That if you have sex too soon the man loses a sense of "the chase" and therefore becomes less interested. However I've begun to dissect the nature behind this and I don't believe it to necessarily be true. In fact I believe quite the opposite is occuring. What I DO believe happens is that women--once sex is involved--generally tend to fall in love and stay in love but not for the right reasons. Sex creates a false sense of intimacy and women become consumed to a certain degree to maintain that level of intimacy even though it is often times imagined. If you look at it from a biological standpoint, sex is intended to create offspring and women need to make sure that the male sticks around to care for the offspring. Even if said woman is not actually pregnant, the biological desire is still there. All the while the male is just enjoying the ride. What I'm trying to say here is that most women, not ALL, confuse sex with love. when sex is introduced, invisible "clingers" come out (for lack of a better word) and all the "wooing" is now done by the woman. Its almost a survival instinct to keep things alive. Instead of once being the "chased" the woman is now the "chaser" and THAT I believe is why some of the interest is lost.
sammie132 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 you should make him keep it in his trousers for 10 dates, any longer, he'll lose interest and go elsewhere. This is a challange for him. Try it next time... it worked for me
LovieDove24 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Sammie, there is no "rule" that works on everyone. Thats just plain silly. For instance, I'm choosing to stay celibate until marriage and if a guy loses interest because of that, then guess what that means? Then he wasn't the right guy for me!
Kamille Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I think keeping attraction alive is about a lot more then just waiting to put "it" out. I mean, if it was only about men getting women in bed, then most couples wouldn't last past the three month mark. So I would advise you not focus on the sex thing and instead deal with the insecurity the situaiton is causing you by keeping yourself busy with other things. He found you interesting for who you were before you two got together. Maybe he's pulling back because he feels you are both losing your identities to the R. Create attraction by being your own person.
norajane Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 He found you interesting for who you were before you two got together Maybe. Maybe not. That is not a given. Men and women can be physically attracted without knowing much about each other. They can want to have sex without necessarily finding each other interesting in other ways. So once a guy has sex with a woman he's attracted to, he might THEN consider whether he actually is interested in her emotionally and intellectually, whether he likes hanging out with her or not. Whereas a lot of women "bond" with a guy after sex, and they think they want a relationship even though they are really just starting to get to know who he is.
Author Shygirl15 Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Great advice, thanks to all 3 of you. But Sammie, I'm really not a rules player. What's so wrong with having sex with a guy you really like by a 5th date?? I like Kamille's point about keeping attraction alive by keeping myself occupied with other things. Or other people/guys perhaps, I dunno .. Man, men's mentality is just so difficult to understand sometimes..
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 If you have to run around playing games with each other, withholding due to games v. uncertainty, he's not compatible. IME, the best relationships are the easiest ones, where everything falls into place, naturally. Drama does not make for good relationships.
Taramere Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 If you do what you feel like doing as opposed to what's supposed to "work" (as regards keeping men's interest goes), then you're more likely to feel in charge of your own life. Which seems like a pretty good goal for anyone to have. Anyways, so I asked a male friend of mine as to why men treat women like crap after the honeymoon period is over, and he goes "the problem with you women is that you put 'it' out too soon. Men love challenge. You girls need to put your men to work if you want to hold on to them. If you make it too easy, we tend to lose interest. I think some of you girls think giving 'it' to your man will make him want you more. Well, it ain't so, unfortunately"! I think that's possibly true, where the man's interest is fairly lukewarm to begin with - and/or he's very conservative/traditional in his approach. Playing hard to get strategies might create a temporary spark of chemistry between you and a lukewarm man, but the underlying lack of connection and chemistry will out eventually. What's the sense in using "play hard to get" games if all it achieves is to drag things out and put off the moment of truth? It seems like a pointless exercise to invest thought, time and emotion into. when I log on MSN he immediately logs out I would be writing this one off. That's a really clear snub. It could be that he did it because he was genuinely busy and couldn't afford to get caught up in even a minute's explanatory conversation with you....but if he were serious about maintaining a relationship with you, he'd be contacting you ASAP after snubbing you in that way. Perhaps there are other aspects to your dealings with this person that you haven't mentioned. Things that are keeping you emotionally invested/feeling some sense of hope that there's potential for something better to develop between you. What you're saying here is hardly encouraging, though. If your guy friend wants to encourage you to feel that this happened because you didn't "play it right" then so be it. I'd urge you to be cautious about assuming that burden. Some things are just beyond our control, and the depth of genuine interest or emotion we inspire in other people are among those things. Don't let this guy's shabby treatment of you get you down, and don't beat yourself up about it. Better things will come along for you.
BobSacamento Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Don't expect a serious commitment from a man after one month. After a month I treat things as pretty casual and still having fun.
OpenBook Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 What I DO believe happens is that women--once sex is involved--generally tend to fall in love and stay in love but not for the right reasons. Sex creates a false sense of intimacy and women become consumed to a certain degree to maintain that level of intimacy even though it is often times imagined... ...when sex is introduced, invisible "clingers" come out (for lack of a better word) and all the "wooing" is now done by the woman. Its almost a survival instinct to keep things alive. Instead of once being the "chased" the woman is now the "chaser" and THAT I believe is why some of the interest is lost. I completely agree with this. The key is, if you slip up and have sex with him "too soon" for your own comfort, the best way to rectify that situation is to maintain your emotional autonomy. (Actually, that's always true, no matter when you have sex with him.) This means no hints or questions about getting together with him later. Never discuss him + anything about the future at the same time. No leaving your jacket (or anything else) behind when you leave. Treat your date with him like a little bubble in time, disconnected from everything else. I call it the "I adore you. Later!" approach. It works like a charm. :bunny:
Lucky_One Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 you should make him keep it in his trousers for 10 dates, any longer, he'll lose interest and go elsewhere. This is a challange for him. Try it next time... it worked for me Didn't work too well, if he was cheating on you with his co-worker.
Author Shygirl15 Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 IME, the best relationships are the easiest ones, where everything falls into place, naturally. Drama does not make for good relationships. That's how our relationship looked like initially. It was like everything was falling into place without so much effort. And that's why I let my guard down and opened up to him completely. I think that's possibly true, where the man's interest is fairly lukewarm to begin with - and/or he's very conservative/traditional in his approach. Playing hard to get strategies might create a temporary spark of chemistry between you and a lukewarm man, but the underlying lack of connection and chemistry will out eventually. What's the sense in using "play hard to get" games if all it achieves is to drag things out and put off the moment of truth? It seems like a pointless exercise to invest thought, time and emotion into. I would be writing this one off. That's a really clear snub. It could be that he did it because he was genuinely busy and couldn't afford to get caught up in even a minute's explanatory conversation with you....but if he were serious about maintaining a relationship with you, he'd be contacting you ASAP after snubbing you in that way. Perhaps there are other aspects to your dealings with this person that you haven't mentioned. Things that are keeping you emotionally invested/feeling some sense of hope that there's potential for something better to develop between you. What you're saying here is hardly encouraging, though. If your guy friend wants to encourage you to feel that this happened because you didn't "play it right" then so be it. I'd urge you to be cautious about assuming that burden. Some things are just beyond our control, and the depth of genuine interest or emotion we inspire in other people are among those things. Don't let this guy's shabby treatment of you get you down, and don't beat yourself up about it. Better things will come along for you. Thanks a lot for your advice. I'm a tough cookie so there's no way he can get me down. It's just very dissapointing though as I had lots of hopes on this one. He was not lukewarm at all in the beginning. He was the aggressive one. Way too aggressive, infact. But after sex, like LovieDovie pointed out, I fell in love and became the aggressive one. He's very conservative so probably me doing the chasing turned him off. Don't expect a serious commitment from a man after one month. After a month I treat things as pretty casual and still having fun. We have been dating since February. He was the one who asked (practically begging) me to go exclusive after the 2nd date.
385 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Anyways to answer your question, I once believed this notion to be true. That if you have sex too soon the man loses a sense of "the chase" and therefore becomes less interested. However I've begun to dissect the nature behind this and I don't believe it to necessarily be true. In fact I believe quite the opposite is occuring. Agree with second part because that's what's happening to me. I'm starting to lose interest because she won't have sex with me. It may seem shallow that I'm looking for sex, but sex is just another part of a good relationship. I like her personality a lot and we already know each other pretty well but if the sex is also not there, then I will eventually lose interest.
You'reasian Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Great advice, thanks to all 3 of you. But Sammie, I'm really not a rules player. What's so wrong with having sex with a guy you really like by a 5th date?? I like Kamille's point about keeping attraction alive by keeping myself occupied with other things. Or other people/guys perhaps, I dunno .. Man, men's mentality is just so difficult to understand sometimes.. The rules of dating? There are no rules. Do what makes you feel comfortable - if you think you should have sex from 3-5th date, go for it. If later, do that. There are no tried and true methods. Sex too late will cause us to loose interest. Too soon is risky in that it speeds things up.
amymarieca Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 The thing I don't get is why does your guy friend automatically assume that it is because you supposedly "gave it up" too soon? There couldn't possibly anything else wrong with this situation other than the fact that you had sex too soon- a lot of people play this card. If this is the only thing I had to do to guarantee myself a successful relationship, then I probably would have had more of them to this day. Maybe you need to look at this from a different angle.
monkey00 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I have to agree with some of the other posters. I don't think it has anything to do with giving it up too soon or later. If a guy is into a girl, something like that would not affect him. If anything waiting too late for sex can cause a guy to lose interest - I'm sure many of the other males on this board can agree with that. And if a guy is really into a girl, he'll make effort in the relationship even if they've already had sex. Maybe you should ask him what's going on instead of your friend?
aboynamedmike Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 my gf and i had sex after "officially dating" for 4 days.. ..the other day she scared me again with the whole "i might be pregnant". Jokingly, I told her I think I might take a vow of chastity for a bit, and she said she would "die". Which makes me think that she's with me just because we have outrageous sex. This led me to tell her that I needed space to think about things and she got sooo upset. I ended up telling her I wanted to break up with her, but then took it back after I got so emotional. It sucks because this girl was my first love, the one who took my virginity, and the one I envisioned spending my life with and Idk what to do now. It's been 3 days into our "break" and idk wht to do. I miss her terribly, she was one of my best friends.
Author Shygirl15 Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 OK, first off, my guy friend doesn't know that I have any sort of issues with my BF. I asked for his views as to why this happens in general and not specific to my situation. I think he was being honest in his views, but I just wanted to find out if this really how most guys feel, though.
385 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 OK, first off, my guy friend doesn't know that I have any sort of issues with my BF. I asked for his views as to why this happens in general and not specific to my situation. I think he was being honest in his views, but I just wanted to find out if this really how most guys feel, though. Guys only like a challenge up to a certain point.
Enema Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 The speediness you had sex with him is inconsequential and not a cause of his jerkiness. When you're just getting to know someone, it's inevitable that you'll swing and miss on a lot of them. You shouldn't time things, stick to rules and play games. Just go with the flow and bail when you can tell it's not working out. This guy is a pansy and just doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over.
Chicago_Guy Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I don't buy the whole argument that the guy loses interest because there's no challenge if the girl has sex with him very early on. Instead, I think that a lot of guys assume that if a girl has sex right away, she's probably also had sex with a lot of other guys before him, and that is a real turn-off.
Kamille Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I think one of the things that happens is that a few women have sex when they feel they "know" this guy is a keeper - even when it's too early to tell. So once they do have sex, they're all in and then they stop letting the relationship grow.
BobSacamento Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 We have been dating since February. He was the one who asked (practically begging) me to go exclusive after the 2nd date. Wow. I would consider that a red flag. That's something I would say if I wanted to put the relationship into overdrive. Perhaps because the woman was interested in a long term relationship. Which it sounds like you are. So in short - could he just be telling you what you want to hear?
Asami Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I think one of the things that happens is that a few women have sex when they feel they "know" this guy is a keeper - even when it's too early to tell. So once they do have sex, they're all in and then they stop letting the relationship grow. I agree with this..
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