missmeme Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 See previous post of "husband of 22 years wants divorce" Ok the reason for my confusions is we have still not separated and on top of that we are getting along better and talking more than we have in years due to the "long distance", yesterday he tells me that he still loves me ( this after the I love you but not in love with you a month or so ago) but he has an appointment with a lawyer on 6/10. I have been looking into finding a place even though that is not what I want but I cannot really afford much since I just started back to work after 4 1/2 years and all I could get is part-time but I am still looking and have the possibility of a another part-time job on the horizon. He is on a trip this week and asked me not to move out before he gets back, wtf. I am in so much emotional pain all the time, the only plus side is I have lost 21lbs and now weigh less than I have in like six years on the downside I started smoking again after quitting 6 1/2 years ago. We still have sex ( and he tells me sex with me is better than with anyone, I asked why he had the affair and he just said it was fun) and honestly my opinion on that is I have needs and since he is stll in the house and knows what buttons to push why shouldn't get them fulfilled with him. My only other option would be a vibrator and that just isn't as satisfactory and I have never been the kind of woman just to hop in bed with a man even when I was single and on top of that of the 4 guys I was with before my husband he was the only one who could ever make me orgasm so my expectations of other men are kind of low. My husband has been my everything for so long, I know I messed up putting the kids first and making him feel he was less important than he is but I never gave up and he told me yesterday that I had given up on him along time ago, I just don't get it, I am still here, I still love him with all my heart, I don't want a divorce or even a separation, how is that giving up on him? Sorry for being so long winded but for so long it is just been me and the kids and him I don't really have anyone to vent to and you cannot vent to friends and family because what if everything works out, I don't want anyone to think bad of him because he is just human and we all make mistakes and I know I am far from perfect. How do you get someone just let go of the past hurt and move forward, I know we have both hurt each other in some ways knowingly and others unknowingly, and I would dearly love to go back in time and fix it which isn't possible. Why don't men realize when you are taking care of them, cooking, cleaning,working 2 jobs so they could go to college after getting out of the army and filing bankruptcy, making sure they have the rx's filled, having sex when you are not in the mood because you love them is all ways of showing them you love them, or am I the mixed up one, was I supposed to be doing it different?
BoatLord Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 You did everything right Miss, believe it or not. Did he ever bother telling you about his unhappiness before? Did he ever say thanks for anything you did for him? I think he's being "nice" now because he is excited to move on. Anyway, you deserve the world for being a military spouse. It takes a special kind of person to be one. Take care of those kids and move on. Focus on you for a change, you're worth it!
Author missmeme Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I don't feel worth it, I feel like I have failed at the most important thing in my life, I feel like somehow while trying to do everything, be everything I failed the person I love most in the world and if you can't get that right, what is left? I need help, I am in so much pain, it hurts all the time, We haven't been happy happy in a while, you know the pressures of long distance, raising kids, heck I took care of his mom for 8 years before she passed (which was fine because I loved her too and I know this would break her heart) but I thought we would muddle through because we still loved each other and when you are long distanced all you can really do is slap band-aids on it. I am I stupid for thinking marriage is suppose to be forever? Also I am thinking of moving out because I need some alone time so that if I want to lay in bed and cry, I don't have to walk around and put on a brave front for the kids but I feel so guilty for even thinking about myself, but honestly with teenagers I am so tired of the drama all the time but I don't want to lose my kids forever, he says I can come back to the house if I want, he says he would never keep from the kids and as they are older he would really have a hard time. I don't really want anything from him, i don't care about the house (even though it has been my home for the last 15 years and I do love it), I don't care about any material items, he says he will take me of me for the rest of his life that I didn't have to go back to work, but hwat kind of person would that make me and how can either of us move on if we are dependant on each other. How can you make the hurt at least tolerable?
BoatLord Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 For me, time is the healer. I was abandoned and it hurt so bad; crying multiple times a day. You can't hide your feelings. I think the kids know exactly what's going on. What are you teaching them by hiding your feelings? I think that the only person you're fooling is you. Get away and do some thinking. If your gut is speaking, listen to it. You're in a holding pattern right now, you need to pick a runway and come in to land!
Author missmeme Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I just don't kow how to do it. Sure the kids know things aren't great but they were told that we were trying to works things out because that is what he said but I have to listen to him almost everyday tell me "that we probably are not going to make it" so how is that trying to work things out. Between him and the kids I feel so unappreciated for everything I have done my whole life when all I ever tried to do was make everyone happy and never really worrying about myself, you know I figured when the kids grew up we would have time to do all the things we wanted to because we have never really be just us, our son from his first marriage came to live with us 2 months after we got married and then his Mom like a month later and now when we are finally at the point where they are old enough (youngest will be 14 in July) and he is done.
BoatLord Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I completely understand the "putting your whole life on hold" part. You need to get away for a while and do some thinking. Any way you could do that? I think you'd feel better and figure out where it is YOU want to go with your marriage.
Author missmeme Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 No I can't get away, he is a trip to Texas this week so I wouldn't want to leave the kids, plus I have another job interview this afternoon plus I don't have any money to go anywhere and I am not spending his, I will get my first paycheck in 4 1/2 years this Friday so that is an upside and I know how lucky I am to get back in my field after all this time and be making decent money for a part-time job especially in today's economy. I know what I want, I want, need and love my husband, I want him to not give up on us, I want out marriage to work, I want him to chase me around the rocking chair when we are 90 like he promised to. I just do not know how to get through to him. I know we have had ups and downs but I never once stopped loving and hoping for the best and always thought we would figure it out. I guess it isn't true that all you need is love. Boatlord, I do want to thank you so much for your input and listening to me vent, is does make me feel a little less invisible and I truly appreciate it.
BoatLord Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 No problem. I have had more than my fair share of help from here...Good Luck!
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