Leveller Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Everyone. I think I might have made a mistake regarding NC. I told her I would not be contacting her after a certain point (8 days ago now) and have stuck with it. Part of me thinks this was a mistake, however part of me also thinks that I was taking charge of the situation and as a friend of mine said 'Putting your foot down'. Complete NC is virtually impossible however as we live 30 seconds apart and I speak to her son regularly (but do not ask about her) and have common friends who tell me when they have seen her and who with (and probably vice versa I suspect). We have always said we will not ignore each other so NC is extremely difficult under these circumstances.
Soul Bear Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 NC doesnt have to mean strict NO CONTACT in every situation. For you it can be not sharing intimate details of your life. example. I saw my ex the other day, i broke my strict NC to meet with her. She asked me details about my life, i.e what i was doing and what my plans were etc. I told her nothing except I have ideas in the works and then moved subject to a more un personal chit chat. The kind of things you would talk about with an aquaintance
samspade Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Leveller, NC means NC. You need to make every effort to steer clear of your ex, including getting updates from your mutual friends. Now, if you run into her, of course, be civil. But keep it short and sweet. Don't even engage in chit-chat, unless you are 100% healed and can engage in a conversation without coming across as mopey or sad. (Easier said than done.) You only think it's a mistake because you're not hearing from her. You're thinking, "what if she wants to get back together, but is too afraid to contact me because I'm in NC?" Common, erroneous thought to have. If your ex wants to get back together with you, trust me, she will reach you. Most of them reach out even when all they want is friendship, or simply to know that you're not pissed off at them. You think she's going to stay silent if she actually wants to get you back before some other lucky lady snatches you? Not bloody likely. Stay strong, man. As for Soul Bear... I saw my ex the other day, i broke my strict NC to meet with her. She asked me details about my life, i.e what i was doing and what my plans were etc. I told her nothing except I have ideas in the works and then moved subject to a more un personal chit chat. The kind of things you would talk about with an aquaintance You made a big mistake. You do not break NC by making plans to meet with your ex and have a chit chat. Unless, that is, you are 100% over her, which I don't believe you are. I am willing to bet that if your ex had said, "let's give it another try," you would be putty in her hands. You're twisting and bending the rules of NC to make excuses for your weakness, and now you're encouraging Leveller, who is prone to slip up because he's heartbroken, to do the same - all to validate YOUR weakness, so you won't feel like a sorry sap. I know what it's like to break NC and feel set back. We all make mistakes. But again, I can't stand by while you tell someone else the wrong thing to do. You have oneitis in a BIG way and you need to work on yourself and get over your ex before you start dispensing with the advice.
Author Leveller Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Samspade I know your right but I am finding it hard for reasons other than you think. I was the one who pushed for LC and in the last month to what I and others thought was a reconciliation. I made some mistakes that week and the week following I freely admit but I thought we were back on. She told me in pillow talk that we were back together (after drinking with me) and it was clear to both our families that I was sleeping there. She even said to her friend she was coming to Rome in December with me (where I am speaking at a conference) and talked of a future with me with her friends (again in drink) and then goes back to him to find out if it will work. I am at a loss to explain these actions and cannot seem to get a handle on this situation. Any thoughts? BTW any thoughts as well on my last two entries in the 'afraid to love me' thread? Moreover by telling her I was going NC (and explaining that I would not try and get back with her until I return to work and move away) I feel we are locked in a battle of wills and both of us are too stuborn to back down. What she wanted though I was not prepared to do. This was to remain friends and carry on doing 'boyfriendly' things and if we do this see how things pan out and maybe get back together in a month or two. I wouldn't accept this and told her I need to remove myself completely from the picture. Everyone I trust has agreed that NC is the way to go and will stick to it but, painful as it has been to be the backup, at least I felt I was getting through to her. More than this of course I miss her and am finding it hard.
Author Leveller Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 One other reason why I went NC in the way I did was to prick her bubble. I am certain she was getting off on the fact that two men were there for her and she was getting a big ego boost which was very apparent.
samspade Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 One other reason why I went NC in the way I did was to prick her bubble. I am certain she was getting off on the fact that two men were there for her and she was getting a big ego boost which was very apparent. You are most certainly correct. And your main problem is that you are in a situation in which she controls the frame. She is the one making the decisions and dictating the terms of the relationship, and stringing you and probably this other guy along. She is the star of her own little romantic movie - and you know how women love drama! The only way you can take that control back is by removing her and going NC. Any other way is futile. Once you have ceded your control over your half of the relationship, you will never get it back by negotiating with her or arguing with her. You need to stand up, walk away, and don't look back. Take that power she has over you and render it irrelevant. I haven't read your other posts but I will. Anyway, quit trying to figure her out or make sense of what she is doing. She is either playing games or doesn't know what the f she wants. In either case, she is wasting your time and putting you through a rollercoaster. It's up to you to make it stop.
Author Leveller Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Cheers Sam...makes me realise why I like film noir so much. I will cogitate upon your thoughts.
Author Leveller Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 I saw her today for the first time in two weeks on the other side of the street. I waved and she said 'hi' or 'alright'.
samspade Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I saw her today for the first time in two weeks on the other side of the street. I waved and she said 'hi' or 'alright'. "Dog Bites Man." Sounds like nothing happened, which is good. "Hi" is civil enough, don't push it.
Author Leveller Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 No intention of pushing it. No intention of breaking NC at my end.
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