4leaf Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I've been friends with this guy for almost a year. Seven months ago, we started spending lots of time talking. I have been divorced already. He was contemplating it. I encouraged him to see a therapist with his wife and to try to work through the relationship. They have a 13 yo daughter together. He finally came to the conclusion that his marriage was over. Moved out a couple of months ago and has hit the expected emotional walls while going through the process......meaning that he misses seeing his daughter, misses his house, neighbors, etc. He still believes it was the right thing to do. We've become intimate, talk a LOT and have a very open and honest relationship. Now that he's moved out, he is spending more time with friends and less with me. I'm actually okay with that....I know he's figuring this new life out. I hear from him on a very regular basis and if I invite him over for dinner or ask to get together, we do find time. It's a whole lot less than we spent together prior to his moving out. Could this be a sign that I was being 'used' for my emotional support.....and now for sex? My initial reaction is that I provided a comfortable place to get away to when he was living at home and now he doesn't need that. We chatted and he told me that he couldn't commit to a lot of time right now, but was happy that we were on the same page in terms of wanting to enjoy the time we do spend together. Here's the 'flag' for me. He never reaches out to suggest we get together. I am always the person who needs to make the suggestion. I don't want to play games....too old for that...but I wonder if I should just completely back off and see what happens. Or, is he simply in a reaction place right now given all of the change? I hear him making plans with other friends, so I'm not sure why he doesn't with me. I should also mention that I don't hang out with any of his friends. We both feel that his separation is too 'new' for me to jump in as the girlfriend....I get that and agree. But when's the right time? At some point, I'm guessing that will become an issue. Words of encouragement or smacks upside the head are welcome!
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I've been friends with this guy for almost a year. Seven months ago, we started spending lots of time talking. I have been divorced already. He was contemplating it. I encouraged him to see a therapist with his wife and to try to work through the relationship. They have a 13 yo daughter together. He finally came to the conclusion that his marriage was over. Moved out a couple of months ago and has hit the expected emotional walls while going through the process......meaning that he misses seeing his daughter, misses his house, neighbors, etc. He still believes it was the right thing to do. We've become intimate, talk a LOT and have a very open and honest relationship. Now that he's moved out, he is spending more time with friends and less with me. I'm actually okay with that....I know he's figuring this new life out. I hear from him on a very regular basis and if I invite him over for dinner or ask to get together, we do find time. It's a whole lot less than we spent together prior to his moving out. Could this be a sign that I was being 'used' for my emotional support.....and now for sex? My initial reaction is that I provided a comfortable place to get away to when he was living at home and now he doesn't need that. We chatted and he told me that he couldn't commit to a lot of time right now, but was happy that we were on the same page in terms of wanting to enjoy the time we do spend together. Here's the 'flag' for me. He never reaches out to suggest we get together. I am always the person who needs to make the suggestion. I don't want to play games....too old for that...but I wonder if I should just completely back off and see what happens. Or, is he simply in a reaction place right now given all of the change? I hear him making plans with other friends, so I'm not sure why he doesn't with me. I should also mention that I don't hang out with any of his friends. We both feel that his separation is too 'new' for me to jump in as the girlfriend....I get that and agree. But when's the right time? At some point, I'm guessing that will become an issue. Words of encouragement or smacks upside the head are welcome! Smack!! No, smack but a blunt assessment. He is still MM, never until the ink is dry. And it does appear you have not only been used, you made it easy for that to happen. He hasn't made any effort to incorporate you into his life(you say you make all the attempts for the two of you to spend time together), and I would guess everytime you are together, it is to have sex, which says you two aren't going out together. You provided him with conversation, a shoulder to cry on, comfort and sex. All the things a wife does, which he was trying to get away from. He has told you(he commit too much time to you now)he is moving on without you. He is moving away from you and you see it clearly. Move on it is healthier for you.
Montclair0011 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 OK, I went through something like this and I know how much it hurts. You do so much and you get left feeling like you have been smacked in the face and abandoned. In my situation, the guy went back to this wife and child. I was surprised because the wife was horrible, and had cheated and had a bad temper, etc. But, most men would rather stay in the hell they know rather than to chance the possibility of one they don't. In your case, the guy genuinely sounds like he is committed to living on his own. This probably makes it even harder for you. But, according to my therapist, guys who leave marriages often look to find a woman for emotional support during the transition, but then end up with someone else later. She said it is better to be the second girlfriend of a divorced man, not the first (there are exceptions, but in general). Probably the best thing to do is to stop seeing the guy and do NC. Try to move on. If he starts to miss you he will call.
fooled once Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Ditto Bent. You ARE the OW and he have been used.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Smack!! No, smack but a blunt assessment. He is still MM, never until the ink is dry. And it does appear you have not only been used, you made it easy for that to happen. He hasn't made any effort to incorporate you into his life(you say you make all the attempts for the two of you to spend time together), and I would guess everytime you are together, it is to have sex, which says you two aren't going out together. You provided him with conversation, a shoulder to cry on, comfort and sex. All the things a wife does, which he was trying to get away from. He has told you(he commit too much time to you now)he is moving on without you. He is moving away from you and you see it clearly. Move on it is healthier for you. You were used to help him get through this, but that doesn't make him a bad person, it makes you a friend. The intimate part was a need of his that you succumbed to and well *smack* but again, I don't see how this makes him a bad person. I'm sure he had alot of crap going through his head, and under normal circumstances would not have gone that far with you. In his state of mind at the time he could not see past the moment. I don't think you need to feel bad either. Leave it as a memory. You helped a good friend in need, and had to make a small sacrifice for that. Maybe it was worth it in the end? Lessons to be learned all around.
Lucky_One Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I think that success is very important to a man. It is important to be successful in marriage, successful in marriage, successful socially. Many MMs break up with their OW post-divorce. Some of them simply realize that the OW isn't who they want to make a future with, and some of them don't like having the reminder of what they did "wrong" as a symbol of their failure at the single most important adult relationship of their life. It almost sounds like you are a "transition person" in his life. And now that he is making this huge transition, he doesn't really want the reminder of his "wrongness" for the rest of the world to see. You don't say, but I would suspect that you both were attracted to each other and you both made that clear, definitely in non-verbal ways and possibly verbal. If not, then you wouldn't have become intimiate so quickly since he has only been out a couple of months. Whether or not you had a PA, you definitely had a EA - and that puts you in the OW role. I'm sorry, because I know it is hurtful and confusing to you. I would back off on any invites and slow down the conversations. He can come to you - he knows where to find you if he wants you.
tami-chan Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I don't think he was maliciously using you. But he needed you in that capacity and you gave it to him. Did he not fulfill some need in you too? So now, you are not in-step and it looks like you two are going in different directions-not what you have wanted, it seems. He needs time and space to process the whole "marriage failure" thing without deep emotional entanglements with other people just yet. I would not take it too personally, even though it IS personal. I suspect, it is not a rejection of YOU, per se, but a rejection of deep, committed relationships at the moment. So take a deep breath, and let him be and no more sex. He wants casual, can you do casual? If not, then free yourself. Personally, I cannot wrap myself around casual sex, 'just do not have the necessary understanding of how something so intimate can be casual. But, I don't judge those who can and it's all good. So, now take a deep breath and let him go. He is not where you are and probably will never be. Then go shopping and buy a new pair of sinfully expensive, beautiful pair of shoes or go to the spa and pamper yourself! Or both!
Author 4leaf Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Honestly, you've each hit the nail on the head in slightly different ways and I thank you. I'm a pretty smart person, but I suppose I simply needed to confirm what I already know. This relationship is not what I want right now. There is certainly a strong physical and emotional attachment and I do suppose that I gained a great deal from him as well. However, just this evening I shared with him that I felt there were definite changes happening in that I was the only person who ever reached out and tried to make plans - even if just once every week or so. He told me that I needed to 'test' that theory. When I asked him to give me an example of the reverse (meaning a time when he reached out to me) he could not. The tough part is that I want to be angry with him, but we both own this. I would have strongly encouraged any friend to stay clear of this situation, but I didn't take my own advice. The connection, communication and respect between us are very strong....but I suppose for only a season. I have allowed and encouraged this to happen and have nobody to blame but myself. Despite the fact that I've had a handful of sweet guys show interest, I've blown them off because this guy just seems to have the core that is so important to me. Saying that out loud makes me shake my head! :-) Now I need to find the strength to detach. It's going to be so incredibly hard. I do believe that a shoe shopping spree is in order!!!! Thanks for the input and for the time.
Author 4leaf Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Thank you! It is helpful to read the words that are screaming through my head....particularly when they come from another. I do need to back off and stop the invites. That is good advice and something that I've tried to do. However, I seem to always find an 'excuse' to call or reach out. And they are truly excuses. It needs to stop. Thanks again!
Author 4leaf Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Funny thing is that I didn't think the sex was casual for him.....until now. I actually am not sure that it was. But for certain, it's stopping. It's not good for me and I need to take care of myself. How, on earth, did you know how much I loved shoes!!!
Lucky_One Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Funny thing is that I didn't think the sex was casual for him.....until now. I actually am not sure that it was. You have only been having sex for 2 months. That really isn't a very long period of time to be able to judge someone's depth of interest, especially if he was in a high stress period of having just moved out.
Author 4leaf Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I suppose the fact that we became very close - emotionally - for the better part of a year made it feel longer. You bring up a very good point. I've started the process - had a very difficult conversation explaining that I needed to take care of myself emotionally. Once I explained why, clearly and calmly, he couldn't argue. Said he wasn't sure why he was behaving this way because I am clearly very important to him. We agreed that we've been trying very hard to keep our friendship a secret in order to prevent people from thinking it was the cause of his marriage failure. In the end, I suppose the secret was a whole lot more destructive than the truth. So we move on.....if something is meant to be, it will. If not, just another one of life's lessons. Thanks!
sugarmomma Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Manolos are in order:bunny: Yea he didn't want to be in limbo. My H did the same thing with the OW. Lousy Prick!
ALOHAGIRL Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Remember he is still married. You are the ow. He was using you to make his pain with his wife easier. Do not believe what he says about his wife. You need to hear both sides of the story. His wife may have been the the one who made him leave because he was not a loving and faithful husband. Dont trust him and dont put words in in his month or feelings in his heart. Leave this married man alone.
tami-chan Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Funny thing is that I didn't think the sex was casual for him.....until now. I actually am not sure that it was. But for certain, it's stopping. It's not good for me and I need to take care of myself. How, on earth, did you know how much I loved shoes!!! Aside from Manolos...may I suggest, Choos...
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