lovemadly Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I was with my first love for 3 years...we had a very immature, yet passionate relationship. We always knew how we felt about each other, and even knew we would get married someday. He said he couldn't live without me, he needed me, I was the only woman he'd love & marry. Well, about a year & a half ago we had been broken up for 4 months. We went through a very difficult period in the relationship, but I was with him throughout all of it because I truly loved him. I felt & knew he loved me too by being thoughtful of me & the way he was with me, it's hard to explain...but, when it came to situations where I was emotional or insecure, he'd shut me down. He wouldn't want "to deal with it" or anything. That's when the relationship started getting nasty...around December of 08, he broke my trust for him majorly. He had invited girls & guys over to his house one night after he & some friends of mine went out to a club, without telling me. His argument was that since we had been arguing on the phone prior to this get-together at his house, he didn't tell me. His friends let me know nothing went on with any of the girls there, but when I showed up, he was drunk & totally treated me like crap. I left & never wanted to have anything to do with him. He came back, apologizing, tried to show me respect again, said he was in love with me, etc. Valentine's Day goes by this year & things were fine...well, a month later, he starts acting uneasy again. Says he doesn't care if we're together or not & that he wants space. So, we took a week where we didn't contact each other at all. I started becoming resentful...he called me & told me he was saying hi & that he missed me, etc. till finally I cut the chord. I told him he couldn't come back to me whenever he felt like it anymore, I wasn't a toy. That I was sorry he wasn't raised by a family to show him how to treat someone who cares about him [ because he really wasn't, he's had a bad childhood ] & that I needed someone who was going to love me the way I loved them & that he didn't make me feel important. He asked if I wanted to try then contradicted himself by not wanting to talk about it when I did till finally he said he didn't want to deal with it anymore, that we should break up, to which I replied that we already were. He tried contacting me about 2 weeks later to pick up his ipod at my house & asked if I could call him when I got him so he could get it, but I didn't want to see him...so, I told him to go get it regardless & he did... During these 2 weeks, I was fine without him...till I start seeing pictures on his myspace of him kissing another woman at a club...not only that, 3 weeks later, he's in a relationship with another woman...we've been broken up for 2 months now, but the feeling of him being with someone else has been very difficult. At first, it was quite unbearable, which was confusing to me. I suppose it was because I never foresaw this happening because I imagined it a nightmare. I knew we had our problems, but I knew bottom line that I loved him. I even had nightmares prior to our break-up of him leaving me for someone else that he was infatuated with & remember calling him when I awoke, crying & relieved, that it wasn't true. But when I first found about this, it was that horrible feeling of not being able to wake up from this nightmare. Because it's reality. He IM'ed about a week or so ago asking how I was & that he was happy to hear I was doing fine. But here I am, knowing what's best for me & what I want out of life & that I want to grow as a person & semi-know that I couldn't see myself doing that with him, but I don't know why it's so complicated to get him out of my head. I think about him almost all of the time. MOst days I'm sad or depressed. I suppose it's all part of the healing process, but I just don't understand. I hope it gets easier, I know I can't force it to. I've been meeting new people & getting to know this other guy better who I like, but I know it's not the same. I honestly miss the love we used to have - it felt like this undying, thirsty love. Was it all in my head? I need to stop feeling so delusional...what's worse, is that I even imagine him even with his new girlfriend coming back to me, but why? Help would be greatly appreciated...
2nd-Best Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Word of really good advice! Do NOT go back to him or even try to contact him, I was married and my husband and I seperated and within weeks his new girl he was sleeping with did the same thing and posted photos of herself and him kissing online, on myspace as well.. and it became like an obsession to me and then her and I had like an online war against eachother.. when really, who was in the wrong?? HE WAS!!! If he can just move on like that (and this is how men move on after relationships ... most all of them) and you probably wont be over it for at least a year... then hes not worth the emotions. You're only getting upset because you feel betrayed that he is with someone else, but just weeks before you were happy to be rid of him and moving on.. right? DO NOT LOOK AT HIS MYSPACE ACCOUNT... DO NOT LOOK AT HERS!! leave it alone, and remember that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!!! Good Luck xoxo
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Time does nothing of the kind. All time does, is pass. You heal. You get over stuff. the rate at which you do this, is your choice. The way you do this, is your choice. You keep picking at the wound and ripping the scab off, of course it's going to take longer. Could even leave a nasty scar. But if - as suggested - you stop hurting yourself by digging stuff over, you'll find the healing process will take place more quickly. Healing? Getting over it? It's all up to you. _/l\_
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 shyt my ex went over a guys apt the day after we broke up...so i have sympathy for you. It seems like it is hard to move forward when u love someone soooo much. I am learning if you truly love someone u can let them go and see what happens. If the person truly wants u they will come. You can learn from ur mistakes in this relationship and apply it to another. Everything in life is a process so keep loving(maybe not ur significant other-ex) but dont become a husk of emotions be full of life in everything u do including love....
scienceguy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You were not delusional for feeling that way. It's normal to feel in love with somebody even if s/he does not treat you well. Heck, I've seen myself, and my close friends, date people who treat them with little respect. Much of dating and understanding what's right/wrong comes through experiences like yours. Personally, it sounds like you have a pretty decent framework of understanding these things. You're clear to him that the on/off aspect wasn't healthy, nor was the "I'm gonna be a jerk to you at the party" thing as well, etc. As TaraMaiden pointed out, time does not heal wounds, and you do not get over your ex. Time simple passes, and you grow with the experience with your ex. In time, the importance you attribute to him or your failed relationship will diminish but for the moment, it is crushing. Anyways, you're doing all the right things, and I think you just need to give it some time. If you really feel you have some significant hang up, then see a professional.
Cloudberry Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 It's pretty normal to feel that way, but it really isn't in your best interest to be stuck on this not-so-great guy. The sooner you can get over him and move on the better you will feel. What has helped for me, is to think about all the great things that will/could happen in the future, while you actively work toward making your goals come true. Such as finding a new job, or dedicating yourself to the work you already do, saving up for a vacation. Maybe making new friends. And definitely socialize with new guys! Just know that someone new will come into your love life sooner or later.
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