To the broken of spirit

[Steadfast]

 

Suicide is not an option since I could not do that to my child...

 

 

Ah! I see strong signs of hope there! What you're saying Montclair, is that you hold the emotional needs of your child above your own. By my count, that makes you more attractive and lovable than...oh, 50-60% of the single women that I know. If my ex shared that same, basic integrity our family would not be torn and our children would have what it is they -what any child- rightfully deserves: a whole family.

 

Be proud.

 

Crying...sleepless nights...what's the old saying? If you can't feel it, you can't heal it? The crying is probably good for you, the sleep, you've got to get a handle on. May I be so bold to ask if your ex pays you support? Where is the child at most of the time? You may have to have a sit down with him, if his name is still attached to the home. It'll affect him too.

 

You're an educated person, so asking if you've checked on welfare benefits seems a little redundant. Even so, they exist for people in your position. Excuse if I'm out of line as I have no experience, but let me assure you that we share common problems, financially and otherwise. Tough times.

 

You are not alone, if this forum is any indication. The social disease of cold-hearted selfishness is rampant. Take strength and encouragement that you are not a part of it. Those that suffer and survive are invaluable. Those that inflict the pain are worthless. at least, until they change.

[TheBigCow]

Suicide is not an option since I could not do that to my child...

 

I just want to agree with Steadfast, the fact that you can say this with so much certainty really shows me (and hopefully you can see it too) how beautiful a person you must be. I really admire this dedication to your child, the selflessness this shows.

 

Still - and this is to everyone reading - if you get to the point where you really start to feel like cannot handle the pain please remember that there are a lot of people here who do know your pain and so are more than willing to really listen to what you are saying with no judgment or belittlement. I'm sure if people need a more personal outlet plenty of people (myself included) would be more than willing to IM or email.

 

Sorry, I feel like I'm totally over reacting, but there no such thing as too much support eh?

[Montclair0011]

Thanks all! I had no idea I could get bonus points for deciding not to kill myself. This is the best news I've had in weeks. :-)

 

My situation is a bit complicated because I never got divorced from my husband. This means I can't apply for welfare or lowered mortgage, etc... There are some advantages, however, as I get free health insurance through him and we did not have to sell the house (up to now I was able to swing it, although it was difficult). I did not have the money to buy him out of his share, so we just stayed married. My ex does not contribute a cent to pay for the house. I think he should contribute to at least the insurance since he is an owner. We share the kid 50/50 and live about a mile apart.

 

I had hoped to stay employed and maybe meet someone new and move somewhere with them or buy out the spouse, etc. That was the best case scenario, which I always realized was not likely. I just was hoping it would not end up the worst case.

[TheBigCow]

Having to deal with financial issues ontop of the emotion loss/pain must be very trying. Do you have parents, siblings or good friends you could spend time with if you needed to? Perhaps keeping the house isn't the best of ideas?

 

Of course in the end it comes down to what you feel like you want, I'm not going to tell you to get rid of the family home if it still holds amazing memories for you.

 

Sorry if I'm out of line here, but do remember this is a time in your life where you're most at need.. if you need to ask people for loans or similar, this is one time in your life you shouldn't feel the least bit bad about it.

[lonelygurl]

Hey lonelygurl, how are you doing? any better now? And yes I do love oxford street...all that temptation to spend the money I dont have..lol.

 

I'm still doing crappy!

 

Sounds like you are doing well! that is great! I just have to keep going forward, as slow as it is going.

 

I'm still a mess.....geez why can't I just get past it already!

[Steadfast]

Montclair, I think it's time to punt. Please don't think I am being too harsh but you've got some work to do before you can seriously consider entering a new relationship and (hopefully!) finding that one true love.

 

First, find somewhere else to live and ease your financial burden. Let the ex know that you're sick of carrying the load alone and tell him you are going to do something about it. If he objects, good! Maybe he'll have an idea, get off his a$$ and chip in. Health insurance? In your position, you will not have to pay for medical care. Don't let him hold that over you.

 

Another thing I'd do is find some way of getting out of dealing with traveling to his home. Seeing the GF's car. Nah, you don't need that.

 

After that is settled, time to finalize the relationship and file for divorce. Joint custody is fine but demand residency and you'll get almost the same child support that you'd get if you had sole custody. In fact, the bigger the difference between his wage your yours, the more you'll get.

 

Time to even things up a little Montclair. You've been dealing with the short end of the stick long enough. No wonder you're stressed! Nothing like some good old fashioned 'round and 'round to jump start the healing process!

 

Work on eating well, sleeping well and try to give your mind a break once and awhile. I'm pulling for you Monclair! I just know you'll make it fine.

[TheBigCow]

I agree with Steadfast (pretty much what I was trying to say but he did it much better! ) Becoming self sufficient will really empower you as well.. which will make you feel much better and will help you form a new relationship when you are ready.

 

Sorry to hear you're not feeling any better lonelygurl. Always like to read your posts. Remember that each day you make it through it progress.. even if sometimes it feels like its not.

[czombie]

I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now but wasn't sure exactly what was it that I wanted to say. Still not too certain...but I'll try.

 

It's been only a month since I joined this site and it has helped me immensely. There have been lonely nights and anxious weekends when I have come here, posted something trivial or just read through others' posts....and just the simple act of sharing and knowing that there are people who understand exactly what I am going through and are willing to listen (read, in this case) has helped me a great deal.

 

I see a lot of people here who are devastated after a recent break up or struggling with NC. Almost always the posts either have a hint of desperate pain or underlying hope. What I want to tell all of you is something that you have heard a million times...time heals all wounds. It's a cliche because it's true. I know, it's an old adage and your gandma probably has it embroidered somewhere (or not) and you are really not in the mood to read through another 'you should move on' lecture. But I am not asking you to move on, I am simply saying that you will. One way or the other, even if you don't want to.

 

Some of you probably remember my story and some have no clue. Quick recap: Best friends for years---fell in love---wonderful one year together---parental opposition due to religious differences---boyfriend turns distant---dumps me first tearfully and then cruelly---two weeks later he posts pics of his new gf on FB---me in severe depression and sleeping off my days in xanax induced haze.

 

It has been three months since then. And the news is that I think I have started to get over him. For the first week after I got kicked to the kerb, I was in classic denial...believing he would come back to me. Then came hurt anger confusion...all at once. The endless reasoning in my head, the false hopes, the what-ifs, the occassional survival strength kicking in, and then the inevitable fall into longing for lost love. It's a loop that I am sure all of you are all too familar with.

 

There was a thread here about the fear of being alone for the rest of one's life (posted by darksky) and another one where Bluewolf was asking people for good news in the form of survival stories. The good news is that heartbreak doesn't kill you. The bad news, you would wish it did. I am 26 and a serial monogamist for lack of a better term...have had four long-term relationships (none short-term)...two of which left me broken into pieces. The first time around, I was 21..in love with an older man...a relationship of one and a half years that when ended, left me reeling in a black hole of unbearable pain for an year. Then, after an attempted suicide and four days in intensive care, two months with my mum in my parents' house and a six months rebound relationship, I was back to life. Then I fell in love again, this time with a guy I have known for years, who had seen me through my previous hell and held my hand through it..my former classmate, one of my closest people. I could trust him with my life and I had never been so compatible with anyone else ever. One year of living a dream later, I was alone again in last March. Never heard his voice again. It was crap.

 

I have lived in three continents, hold a postgraduate degree, have a job that pays my bills and more, I have holidayed alone, have great friends and am reasonably attractive and speak four languages. Looks good on paper...right? But I don't remember a single time in my adult life when I have not been in a relationship or at the verge of one or heartbroken! I give too much into a relationship, pin my hopes on it and make it my reason for living. No wonder I am left broken when they end. I am sure that if I were to go to therapy, the good counsellor would have found some fault in my upbringing or some trauma in my childhood for such unwise behaviour.

 

Then something happened last week. I woke up last tuesday, went to work, cursed my boss behind his back, developed a new pain in my neck from staring at the screen and it was lunchtime....and I realised with a shock that I wasn't sad. Not happy but neither sad. Just normal. Oh the blessed normalness! I have been normal for almost a week now. I still think of him everyday, I still wish for things to have worked out well, I still miss him, I still remember how his kiss felt. But no more do I hold conversations with him in my head, I don't have a list of things to say to him when and if we meet again, I don't have his shirt in my closet anymore, neither do I weave elaborate reconciliation fantasies anymore. The tears have dried and the knot in the pit of my stomach is gone. I had no intentions of, but somehow I have forgiven him for hurting me and I have forgiven myself for not doing all the things that might have saved us.

 

I am ok now. I am not naive enough to think that I will be ok forever. For all I know, tomorrow I might decide to break down on Oxford Street in early evening rushour. Oh wait, I have done that already! But anyway, I am ok right now at this moment. I am ok having lost the man I loved and the friend I treasured. I am ok alone. I even like being alone. Now, isn't that something?!?! I survived it. I got here without therapy (not that I have anything against it), without drunk dialling, without sending smoke signals, without falling into a new man's arms...I got myself ok all by myself. Oh well...by myself and gallons of Absolut.

 

Lessons learnt: Love happens many times.

Love can also be lost many times.

And the devastation does not stay forever.

Getting a perspective helps.

There is only one cure for heartache..time.

Everybody is an a***h***... but c'est la vie.

No offense but you sound far from okay....Seems like your just trying to tell yourself that you are...

[Montclair0011]

Thanks for the concern and suggestions, Big Cow and Steadfast.

 

My family is beyond useless and could be in a textbook on disfunctional families. It's filled with siblings that hate each other and don't speak and screw each other over for inheritence money, etc.. Both my parents have cut off contact with their sibblings. And it looks like I'm going to end up the same, although I have made effort to avoid that. My sister, who basically has a great life with a few health related snags, told me she does not want to hear about my problems and that I should pretend to be happy when we talk. She won't visit me because she does not want to leave her cat overnight, or so she says. Her partner (who is a control freak variation on my ex) does not want anything to do with anyone in our family. It's just impossible to have any kind of real relationship as it has to be on her terms and mostly about her.

 

My mother says that I should just go along with that to make nice. She also uses my misery to tell me long stories about how much worse her life has been. I say I'm afraid I'll loose my house. And her response is, "So what lots of people loose thier houses." We don't even have two way conversations.

 

My father lives in his own little world. He would never think of calling me and will only talk about the stock market (he's a day trader--with a lousy track record--they have very limited resources.) if I happend to get him on the phone. My therapist has advised me to not spend too much time trying to connect with them. It's an abnomal toxic situation. She's amazed that I am as normal as I am and wonders how I ever learned to function given my background.

 

Fortunately, over the years I have developed many close friends and they are like a substitute family for me so I do have some others I can count on. Unlike my family, I can listen and empathise. I just hate to be such a burden for so many years without end. It's time things were better for me so I could spend more time helping my friends instead of vice versa.

 

I agree that I need to get divorced, etc. but it's a bit more complicated than it seems. My ex is not a trustworthy individual and will do anything to stick me with bills, camp fees, etc. It's like a game to him--see what he can get away with. If I call him on it or get the least bit assertive he blows up like a hurricane. He has an explosive temper and will start screaming and throwing things and threatening me. He knows how to get to me too. Last time he started wailing about how I'm "50 years old and alone and a loser etc." ) He even said these things in front of the child! He's been in therapy for three years but I"ve seen little improvement. All of my friends and family are in agreement that he did me a favor by leaving, BTW.

 

I doubt he'd pay his fair share even if we got divorced. I'd have to spend so much money dragging him back to court it would not be worth fighting it. He does not make big bucks. I was the primary breadwinner. Had I not lost my job he probably would have tried to get alimony from me. He has no shame and no problem ripping me off whenever possible. Several times I've paid large amounts for our child, etc. and he'd promise to give me half and then later say I owed it to him for something he paid for etc. . In his mind I always owe him. He has one of those mental illnesses like narcissism that allows him to be crazy but yet function and work and appear superficially normal. Except for his girlfriend I don't think he has any close friends.

 

He will get joint custody because that's what we have been practicing for three years and it IS what's best for our child. He's also in serious debt, the cause of which I'm not sure since his apartment is way less money than what I pay for the house. When I lived with him he was a major cheapskate, but I guess something must have changed. Supposedly the girlfriend spends money like water, so maybe that's the issue. They actually live 8 hours apart (she was an old lost friend who reappeared one day and snatched him up) because they can't quit their cushy jobs and my ex also can't move because of the kid. So I dont' see the girlfriend's car all the time and that's probably why it set me off the other day.

 

When he left I went to a divorce lawyer and found out that I would either have to buy him out of the house or sell it. That's what made me stay married. It would kill me to sell the house and have to move. I've lost my loves. I've lost my job. My house is as important to me as those two things. I live in a nice place and am part of a nice community and my child is counting on living here until high school graduation. Besides it is a small place and about the same price as most apartments around here. We live in an expensive area of the country. I'd like to stay until the child graduates and then maybe move to a condo or apartment. But that's years away. I think what I need to do is look for a roommate which is the last thing I want but I need to be realistic. When my husband left I could not even bear to look up 'divorce' on the computer. That's how I feel about "roomate' right now, but I know I can be strong and do these things.

 

I agree that I need to focus on the job and not getting a man. And that is what I am doing. I do feel some pressure though because I'm getting older and for women age is huge thing in attracting a mate. I usually look younger than my age (although with all the stress I've probably shrivelled into an instant crone). I think I can take a deep breath and deal with that though. On thing at a time. It's good to be able to write all of this down although I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read it all. It is helping. To climb out of a dark hole you need to find some footing and sometimes if there is none you have to start carving it out yourself anyway you can. The dumbest things can help. I feel like I'm moving on the ground like a worm. Today I sat in Starbucks and re-read some books that were important to me when I was young and I made some connections and had some much needed perspective. Let's see if I can keep that up this week.

[Steadfast]

The thing I *hated* most about your post is the insults thrown at you by your ex. No one who ever truly loved someone else would say that. The other night, a good friend told me on the phone; "It's better to be alone than to wish you were!" That's why I talk to her so much. She awesome.

 

And so are you Montclair. See, my 'house' means nothing to me...it was *her* house and the biggest problem for me is paying for (or trying to!) something I don't want. I am so ready to leave! I want a new city, new faces...but that's me. You love your home, so fight to keep it.

 

Fight Montclair! Fight through it. I can tell by your words that you are intelligent, witty and fun. Someone's going to strike it rich with you!

[TheBigCow]

Of course we're going to read the whole thing! Sheesh what do you think of us?

 

That sounds like a real hard situation Montclair.. I agree with Steadfast, fight to keep your house, you know the old saying "where there is a will, there is a way".

 

Again I'm not in the same country as you so I don't know too much about your local laws ect.. but it might be worth seeing if there are any welfare benefits you are applicable for? It might turn out that its worth giving up more in the separation than you would like just to get out of it and collect on these.. worth looking anyway.

 

Like you said finding a job is priority no.1 I appreciate that you worried about running of out of time to find a partner.. but it will be much easier to find a partner if you have a job - it will give you confidence and men won't feel like you 'need' them.

 

Having said that, have you thought about things like online dating? I've got friends who are 20/21 and use online dating.. its actually a pretty good way to meet people.

 

You could also try and get a bit inventive in making money.. what is your line of work?

 

Look this is going to sound silly and maybe wrong.. but if your XH is going to play dirty in a divorce, maybe you can too? The fact that he's sleeping around while you're still married might count for something? Its a long shot, but don't let him take advantage of your good nature.

 

A roommate is probably a good idea - remember you can always ask them to leave once you can manage without them. If you really really hate the idea of sharing the house could you rent it out to make some money and stay with family (though your family does not sound promising)? Or friends? You could get some younger people in, might be quite cool for your child?

 

Sorry my post is a whole lot of random not so useful advice.. but maybe something will get your mind churning and strike a chord with you.

[Montclair0011]

Thanks, Guys! I realize we do live in different places with different laws. Where I live divorce is no-fault. It does not matter if the spouse cheats. It's all 50-50. The cheating can affect child custody, but I'm ok with a joint situation there (my ex is a basically a good father). I really have no desire to screw him over in a divorce. What I really want to do is move on to a better life. That would bother him way more.

 

And I do use on-line dating, otherwise I'd never meet anyone. I hardly get any responses, though. I write to guys all the time, but they almost never write back. I don't know what the problem is but I'm guessing it's the age because I hear the same thing from other women my age and the opposite for those that are younger. I'm going to get some new pictures so maybe that will trigger something. I don't know.

 

Supposedly I've got a date this week though, but we shall see. The guy had very questionable answers for basic stuff about where he lives and what he does and kept mentioning events that indicated that he had a lot of money. Probably married or a wackjob or lying. Not a good sign, but I'll keep you posted. Reasons to be cheerful. :-)