notalone Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now but wasn't sure exactly what was it that I wanted to say. Still not too certain...but I'll try. It's been only a month since I joined this site and it has helped me immensely. There have been lonely nights and anxious weekends when I have come here, posted something trivial or just read through others' posts....and just the simple act of sharing and knowing that there are people who understand exactly what I am going through and are willing to listen (read, in this case) has helped me a great deal. I see a lot of people here who are devastated after a recent break up or struggling with NC. Almost always the posts either have a hint of desperate pain or underlying hope. What I want to tell all of you is something that you have heard a million times...time heals all wounds. It's a cliche because it's true. I know, it's an old adage and your gandma probably has it embroidered somewhere (or not) and you are really not in the mood to read through another 'you should move on' lecture. But I am not asking you to move on, I am simply saying that you will. One way or the other, even if you don't want to. Some of you probably remember my story and some have no clue. Quick recap: Best friends for years---fell in love---wonderful one year together---parental opposition due to religious differences---boyfriend turns distant---dumps me first tearfully and then cruelly---two weeks later he posts pics of his new gf on FB---me in severe depression and sleeping off my days in xanax induced haze. It has been three months since then. And the news is that I think I have started to get over him. For the first week after I got kicked to the kerb, I was in classic denial...believing he would come back to me. Then came hurt anger confusion...all at once. The endless reasoning in my head, the false hopes, the what-ifs, the occassional survival strength kicking in, and then the inevitable fall into longing for lost love. It's a loop that I am sure all of you are all too familar with. There was a thread here about the fear of being alone for the rest of one's life (posted by darksky) and another one where Bluewolf was asking people for good news in the form of survival stories. The good news is that heartbreak doesn't kill you. The bad news, you would wish it did. I am 26 and a serial monogamist for lack of a better term...have had four long-term relationships (none short-term)...two of which left me broken into pieces. The first time around, I was 21..in love with an older man...a relationship of one and a half years that when ended, left me reeling in a black hole of unbearable pain for an year. Then, after an attempted suicide and four days in intensive care, two months with my mum in my parents' house and a six months rebound relationship, I was back to life. Then I fell in love again, this time with a guy I have known for years, who had seen me through my previous hell and held my hand through it..my former classmate, one of my closest people. I could trust him with my life and I had never been so compatible with anyone else ever. One year of living a dream later, I was alone again in last March. Never heard his voice again. It was crap. I have lived in three continents, hold a postgraduate degree, have a job that pays my bills and more, I have holidayed alone, have great friends and am reasonably attractive and speak four languages. Looks good on paper...right? But I don't remember a single time in my adult life when I have not been in a relationship or at the verge of one or heartbroken! I give too much into a relationship, pin my hopes on it and make it my reason for living. No wonder I am left broken when they end. I am sure that if I were to go to therapy, the good counsellor would have found some fault in my upbringing or some trauma in my childhood for such unwise behaviour. Then something happened last week. I woke up last tuesday, went to work, cursed my boss behind his back, developed a new pain in my neck from staring at the screen and it was lunchtime....and I realised with a shock that I wasn't sad. Not happy but neither sad. Just normal. Oh the blessed normalness! I have been normal for almost a week now. I still think of him everyday, I still wish for things to have worked out well, I still miss him, I still remember how his kiss felt. But no more do I hold conversations with him in my head, I don't have a list of things to say to him when and if we meet again, I don't have his shirt in my closet anymore, neither do I weave elaborate reconciliation fantasies anymore. The tears have dried and the knot in the pit of my stomach is gone. I had no intentions of, but somehow I have forgiven him for hurting me and I have forgiven myself for not doing all the things that might have saved us. I am ok now. I am not naive enough to think that I will be ok forever. For all I know, tomorrow I might decide to break down on Oxford Street in early evening rushour. Oh wait, I have done that already! But anyway, I am ok right now at this moment. I am ok having lost the man I loved and the friend I treasured. I am ok alone. I even like being alone. Now, isn't that something?!?! I survived it. I got here without therapy (not that I have anything against it), without drunk dialling, without sending smoke signals, without falling into a new man's arms...I got myself ok all by myself. Oh well...by myself and gallons of Absolut. Lessons learnt: Love happens many times. Love can also be lost many times. And the devastation does not stay forever. Getting a perspective helps. There is only one cure for heartache..time. Everybody is an a***h***... but c'est la vie.
lonelygurl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I have been meaning to write this post for about a week now but wasn't sure exactly what was it that I wanted to say. Still not too certain...but I'll try. It's been only a month since I joined this site and it has helped me immensely. There have been lonely nights and anxious weekends when I have come here, posted something trivial or just read through others' posts....and just the simple act of sharing and knowing that there are people who understand exactly what I am going through and are willing to listen (read, in this case) has helped me a great deal. I see a lot of people here who are devastated after a recent break up or struggling with NC. Almost always the posts either have a hint of desperate pain or underlying hope. What I want to tell all of you is something that you have heard a million times...time heals all wounds. It's a cliche because it's true. I know, it's an old adage and your gandma probably has it embroidered somewhere (or not) and you are really not in the mood to read through another 'you should move on' lecture. But I am not asking you to move on, I am simply saying that you will. One way or the other, even if you don't want to. Some of you probably remember my story and some have no clue. Quick recap: Best friends for years---fell in love---wonderful one year together---parental opposition due to religious differences---boyfriend turns distant---dumps me first tearfully and then cruelly---two weeks later he posts pics of his new gf on FB---me in severe depression and sleeping off my days in xanax induced haze. It has been three months since then. And the news is that I think I have started to get over him. For the first week after I got kicked to the kerb, I was in classic denial...believing he would come back to me. Then came hurt anger confusion...all at once. The endless reasoning in my head, the false hopes, the what-ifs, the occassional survival strength kicking in, and then the inevitable fall into longing for lost love. It's a loop that I am sure all of you are all too familar with. There was a thread here about the fear of being alone for the rest of one's life (posted by darksky) and another one where Bluewolf was asking people for good news in the form of survival stories. The good news is that heartbreak doesn't kill you. The bad news, you would wish it did. I am 26 and a serial monogamist for lack of a better term...have had four long-term relationships (none short-term)...two of which left me broken into pieces. The first time around, I was 21..in love with an older man...a relationship of one and a half years that when ended, left me reeling in a black hole of unbearable pain for an year. Then, after an attempted suicide and four days in intensive care, two months with my mum in my parents' house and a six months rebound relationship, I was back to life. Then I fell in love again, this time with a guy I have known for years, who had seen me through my previous hell and held my hand through it..my former classmate, one of my closest people. I could trust him with my life and I had never been so compatible with anyone else ever. One year of living a dream later, I was alone again in last March. Never heard his voice again. It was crap. I have lived in three continents, hold a postgraduate degree, have a job that pays my bills and more, I have holidayed alone, have great friends and am reasonably attractive and speak four languages. Looks good on paper...right? But I don't remember a single time in my adult life when I have not been in a relationship or at the verge of one or heartbroken! I give too much into a relationship, pin my hopes on it and make it my reason for living. No wonder I am left broken when they end. I am sure that if I were to go to therapy, the good counsellor would have found some fault in my upbringing or some trauma in my childhood for such unwise behaviour. Then something happened last week. I woke up last tuesday, went to work, cursed my boss behind his back, developed a new pain in my neck from staring at the screen and it was lunchtime....and I realised with a shock that I wasn't sad. Not happy but neither sad. Just normal. Oh the blessed normalness! I have been normal for almost a week now. I still think of him everyday, I still wish for things to have worked out well, I still miss him, I still remember how his kiss felt. But no more do I hold conversations with him in my head, I don't have a list of things to say to him when and if we meet again, I don't have his shirt in my closet anymore, neither do I weave elaborate reconciliation fantasies anymore. The tears have dried and the knot in the pit of my stomach is gone. I had no intentions of, but somehow I have forgiven him for hurting me and I have forgiven myself for not doing all the things that might have saved us. I am ok now. I am not naive enough to think that I will be ok forever. For all I know, tomorrow I might decide to break down on Oxford Street in early evening rushour. Oh wait, I have done that already! But anyway, I am ok right now at this moment. I am ok having lost the man I loved and the friend I treasured. I am ok alone. I even like being alone. Now, isn't that something?!?! I survived it. I got here without therapy (not that I have anything against it), without drunk dialling, without sending smoke signals, without falling into a new man's arms...I got myself ok all by myself. Oh well...by myself and gallons of Absolut. Lessons learnt: Love happens many times. Love can also be lost many times. And the devastation does not stay forever. Getting a perspective helps. There is only one cure for heartache..time. Everybody is an a***h***... but c'est la vie. very nice post. I'm glad you are healing well. I hope to get to that point sometime soon! I am staying on my own as well, but I have been getting therapy with more to come. Don't you just love Oxford St. traffic!
bobbyjohannah Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Its been 7 months for me now, why do I not feel this way? why do I still cry all the time and still have hope for us to get back together? I've done everything possible...but i'm still not like this yet
Montclair0011 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Everything you say is true, but I think it is much harder for some than others. Healing favors the young and attractive. The rest of us may heal also, but I think it takes much, much longer and the scars may be deeper. And part of the problem is that everyone expects us to just move on and heal. Everyone believes this cliche that "time heals all wounds" or that "things will get better, etc." and they expect you to follow through and get better and be happier. There is so much pressure and I feel like I already am being so hard on myself as it is. There is tremendous pressure to fulfill this fantasy that "when one door closes, another door opens," etc. Sometimes I think this is so others can feel like if it ever happened to them they would be OK. No one wants to acknowledge that sometimes it gets worse and stays worse and even get worser (I know that's not a work, BTW). However, statistics show that women often end up alone and impoverished after a divorce. Still the media and message boards and friends and relatives just expect us to have a better outcome. Are all of these impoverised women to blame because they did not "take more time for themseves" or magically obtain good paying jobs? Did they all make all the wrong choices? How do we know they ever had any choice at all the first place? My family is a good example of this mindset. Recently my sister told me that she wants me to just pretend that I'm Ok, because she can't handle the stress of my problems. My mother thought that was a good strategy too. It's not like I've ever asked them for money or have a history of depending on them (good thing I don't). My friends are more supportive, but it's like if I say, "Oh well it can only go up from here," the response is usally, "Right, that's the way to look at it, end of story." Improvement is only one acceptable outcome and if you can't accomplish it they will start to distance themseves from you. In the end you feel totallly alone like a pariah. No one wants to acknowlage that sometimes no matter what you do, or how positive you act, things do not get better. My husband left me, and I did find new love. But that guy left me too and now I can't seem to find anyone. I am out there trying, but when you are over 50 it's very tough to get a single date. I write and write to guys on-line an almost no one writes back. On top of that I have been laid off from my a good paying job I had for 15+ years and I can't find a new one, although I send out tons of resumes and try to network, etc. I may loose my house and not be able to support my child. Alsmost every area of my life is in crisis. In the past five years since my husband left I did everything everyone suggested full force to try to make a better life for myself. I did NC. I got a therapist. I improved the way I look. I made new friends. I went out and had fun. I dated. I had a positive atitude. But here I am five years later much worse off than I was then, and the only suggestions I get are the same ones I've already tried. Isn't there someting else for advanced cases? On many days I just don't see the point of being alive anymore.
TheBigCow Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I'm very sorry to her about what you're going through montclaire, I hope your coping You post is refreshingly honest. The expectation your friends and family have for you to get better is a huge pressure and as you say thing may not improve. I find particularly for me when I have an odd really bad day, where supportive friends used to be is now irritated and bored friends. I am not angry at them because I can see how it must look to them "he doesn't want to help himself" but it doesn't work that way. I can't remember who I was replying to but I was positing in reply to someone who felt the would never find the same level of love again. And my take on that situation (and the kind of things you're talking about) is that it is a valid fear and a very real possibility, you may never be as lucky ever again. The way I propose getting through the day and defining some point to living is not by thinking "wow in a week I'll probably have met the love my life" but instead in accepting that things may not be better but to appreciate what you do have left, whatever little that may be. This much easier said than done and I'm looking around LS right now because I've had a terrible day/night, but I personally think that while my goal is also idealistic, It doesn't have that one dangerous element, false hope.
Montclair0011 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Thank for understand, Cow! As Fannie Lou Hammer once said, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." It's nice once in a while to just acknowledge the unending pain and to realize that life is unfair and some wounds will never heal and some things can never be fixed. When I'm able to do that I don't feel good, but I do feel relief. I guess I'll just keep on truckin for another day.
Author notalone Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Hey lonelygurl, how are you doing? any better now? And yes I do love oxford street...all that temptation to spend the money I dont have..lol. Bobby, Different people, different break-ups, different way of coping and thus varying timelengths of suffering. I too had once been in agonising pain over lost love for over an year. Sometimes, it's really really tough and there's no shortcut. I hope you feel better soon...I know you will! Montclair, I am really sorry to hear about your troubles. It's not easy to find love at any age. I am not even thinking about falling in love again...and besides, where are all the good men? I am just ok with myself. That's all. You are right about one thing though...there is tremendous pressure from friends and family who expect a heartbroken person just to move on or do better. What is even more annoying is that how people always tell you that you will undoubtedly find someone better. This is not necessarily true. While most people do find love again after hearbreak, the possibility that one might never connect to another person the way s/he did with the ex is very real. Life doesnt always have happy endings. But that is a very morose way of thinking and doesn't help any of us.
Nuala83 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Notalone, You’re an inspiration! I enjoy reading your posts because you and I are in similar situations. We’re the same age, both very monogomous, both had the misfortune to see our ex’s posting pictures of their new flames on facebook and we’re both on smilar timelines as well. You’re at 3 months and I’ll be at that stage in a couple of weeks. I think it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of soldiering on through the tough times. I had to smile when you said breakups don’t kill you but you’ll wish they did. So very true. In the beginning you just can’t see any way out of the pain and that pain lasts a bloody long time! But once you get past the not eating, not sleeping, crying all day and basicaly not functioning like a normal member of society, it gets a little better. Then a little better still. Then the thoughts of what they’re doing and who they’re with become less consuming…then you slip back to feeling miserable for a while and so on and so on. But you survive. Personally I think I’m through the worst of the craziness and the deep dark depression. In fact, as much as I still miss him, he’s not on my mind nearly as much as he was. Anyways, just keep hanging in there. Let’s all try and stay sane together
daveo679 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Its a bit like falling off a horse, you get back on again but with Love & Life you have to think a bit harder than before, I did and moved to South East Asia and all its glory. No regrets, love the life style, shall not be coming back to England, been here 5 years now and feel 25 years younger, thats probably because my girlfriend is 25 and so sweet.
TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I wish I shared your confidence right now Nuala and notalone. I am cycling up and down into incredible depression and then up feeling okay for a little while.. but each time I hit a new low, more suicidal thought, completely sleepless nights ect. I am getting help, I have councilor and I am taking some medication.. not too stoked with either to be honest.
melodymatters Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I have not posted ( or even read) LS since my husband died tragically last week. Not to bring my own pain into this, but you all made some VERY good posts and I wanted to contribute. I too have been heart broken ( from past R's), sobbing on the floor, but at the end of the day, if they didn't value YOU and the R, how very magical, meant to be, was it ? Again, not meaning to T/J, and I am hoping this makes you feel better, but it is 100 times harder to have finally found someone who DOES think you are his moon and stars and have him suddenly taken away in death. I can certainly relate to the people telling you to buck up, be strong, there will be more love in your life and the feeling of " You know, I finally got lucky, I finally got my fairy tale and I probably WON'T be that lucky again ! But if they left, it wasn't your fairy tale !!! Which means...there might be one out there just waiting for you ! I was 42 and semi suicidal when walking down the street I met the man who changed my life, and showed me what TRUE, unconditional love is. He is/was a much better person than I can ever hope to be, but I will keep trying. I had a tough road before this, and having THIS taken away seems just too cruel. So I accept that I don't want anyone else, and might never meet or want to meet anyone else. But you are right to hang in there, right to hope and right to believe. As much pain as I am in, I wouldn't trade this last year with my H for anything. It was so very beautiful. I am sorry if anything I said is innappropriate, my mind is all over the place. I wish you all love and peace. mm
TheBigCow Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 melodymatters that truly is tragic I feel so deeply for you. I have had someone close to me (not as close as a husband) die suddenly from a tragic accident, and it incredibly difficult, I am so impressed that even in this time of pain you are able to offer other people advice My breakup felt a lot like a death because it was so incredibly sudden and without reason (turned out there was another guy eventually), there are different emotions involved obviously such as those of rejection and betrayal, but those core feelings of loss are quite similar in many ways. I don't believe everyone gets the fairy tale, in fact I bet very few do, am I'm very very glad you can still appreciate you were allowed to experience this. I hope you're coping, everyone is here for you.
Author notalone Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Melodymatters, I don't know what to say to you, except that I can not even imagine the pain you must be in. You seem to be exceptionally strong to even be able to think straight at this point. May you achieve peace. There's this book called 'anybody out there?' by Marian Keyes..wonderful story that you would relate to. It might help you.
melodymatters Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Thank you, it comes and goes, and helps to be slightly medicated. I was attracted to the title of your thread, and then found that you and a lot of the other posters made very good points. I have been posting on a new widow forum mostly, old habits never die I guess, and honestly, writing feels better than talking to actual PEOPLE. Again, I won't prob be here much right away, but I can't see not returning, and I very much liked your post ! Good job ! I will look for that book..thanks.... all for now... MM
marlena Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Ah..Melody, reach out to whomever or whatever will help you through the pain. If writing helps (and the medication), then, go for it. The widow forum sounds good. It always helps to talk to people who have shared or are sharing a similar experience with you. I lost two parents four years ago and I am still recovering. If ever there is such a thing. M
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You are my new hero! But tell me, do the thoughts and fears of, "They're going to get over me completely and everybody else will be more important to her/him than me?" go away? I mean... I'm in NC and I am definitely not planning on turning back. I am no longer at the stage where I can barely function. I'm proud to say I'm doing great and I'm looking forward to the future but will it all go away? Or at least those things that really bother you. Like the fear of being of no importance to them anymore? Or one that has recently popped into my head which is me wanting to tell her what I've been doing, etc. And sometimes (shamefully admitting) wishing she were there to share the moment. No, I'm not going to break NC. No matter what my fears tell me to do. In fact, I DON'T want to talk to her. I feel all I need is time to get used to being alone after having her there for almost 3 years, but they go away eventually, right?
TheBigCow Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Just my experience. Once you know they have someone more important, anxiety goes away, replaced by incredible sadness... don't know if that leaves yet sorry.
Author notalone Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Symmetry, I am honoured...lol. You are my new hero! But tell me, do the thoughts and fears of, "They're going to get over me completely and everybody else will be more important to her/him than me?" go away? QUOTE] I don't know yet, but it should. I have always felt that being discarded is hard...but being replaced is waayyy harder. I am definitely better than how I was 3 months back..but my ex still lingers in my mind almost all the time. It's less painful now but he is there. And the fact that I probably never cross his mind and he is perfecty happy with his life without me, does bother me..a lot. But I try not to think about it. I keep telling myself to focus on me...me me me....I have nothing to do with him and his goddamn life...I am all about ME! You put someone else before you for a long time...didn't work. Now place yourself before everything. If love and sacrifice don't work...being a selfish arse has got to. Why not give it a try??
BW007 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 It can be very difficult when you are getting older and are still really struggling with a loss to see any hope of improvement. Eventually we all lose everyone. All the fairy tale thinking gets frustrating. It may not get better, I want it to get better, but I am not feeling the optimism. I think this tangent may have hijacked the thread a bit, but would make a really good new post, "What do you do when it ain't improving" or "Real Loss" It gets harder to hit the reset button for me. I seriously don't have the mental reserves to go through the type of hell I have been going through ever again, yet this is all part of modern relationships. I am not kidding, I am scared to death of a new relationship going bad and I don't see any social context in my life for that to even be a slight possibility. What if this is it? I am serious, I don't feel like I even know where do find anyone again and I also think this breakup really did cause a breakdown in me.( I don't blame her for that, but this has triggered some real major depression) I miss her a lot but the work I need to do is on getting myself to a better place. Once that better place was the relationship but that ship sank. I think I am still treading water to continue the relationship ship analogy. It ain't easy being in the middle of the ocean. But hoping for rescue isn't healthy, yet that is what it amounts to looking too hard for the new relationship or the reconciliation. It is impossible to hide how messed up and desperate things have gotten for me sometimes. I don't know how to talk about this sometimes, it is too big. A huge abyss, a void, a huge sucking blackhole.
neowulf Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I'm often surprised and inspired by the incredible courage people show in the face of overwhelming loss (Looking at you MelodyMatters). Like some of the others here, I wonder sometimes just how much loss a person can endure without being lessened by it. I've been through a couple of long term relationships in my life and as I've gotten older, I've found it harder and harder to rebuild. I find it's a constant battle against the force that argues.. why bother building if it all just gets torn down again anyway? I suppose those of us to learn to love and appreciate the moment are better able to cope. Some see their relationships, no matter how long as gifts. Looking back at fond memories, good times and say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Others look back at their relationships and see them only as a painful reminder of the joy and happiness that once filled their lives, replaced now by loneliness and heart break. I truly admire those with the strength to carry on and risk it all on love again and again. I strength I hope to someday emulate.
Steadfast Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Everything you say is true, but I think it is much harder for some than others. Healing favors the young and attractive. The rest of us may heal also, but I think it takes much, much longer and the scars may be deeper. And part of the problem is that everyone expects us to just move on and heal. Everyone believes this cliche that "time heals all wounds" or that "things will get better, etc." and they expect you to follow through and get better and be happier. There is so much pressure and I feel like I already am being so hard on myself as it is. "Healing favors the young and attractive." Oh yeah, I can so see where you're coming from. FWIW, I'll be 50 this summer, divorced for the second time and little to really show for 35 years of hard work. I _do_ however, have beautiful, loving kids (that live with me) and the financial/emotional burden is indescribable. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything! Like me, you are your children's source of strength now. Take a deep breath, stop worrying about finding a man (don't look, let him find you) and look to the person in your life that you respect and trust more than anyone. Tell them your situation and allow them to help you. When you get the chance, return the favor, that's how it works. Prayers and hugs from my corner of the world.
Montclair0011 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Steadfast, I appreciate the sincerity of your words, but they are typical of the kind of advice that makes me feel worse instead of better. I mean how long is a 51 year old women supposed to wait for a man to find her? It's been four years without a single date outside of those I worked to get on Match.com? Not sure I agree that waiting is a smart strategy. I agree I should stop thinking about it though since it's more likely that I will be hit by a car. And I know you all are probably think it's because I sound "desperate" but it was only recently I got this way. Before that I was doing all the stuff you recommend. I was positive and hopeful land not getting bent out of shape and taking each day as it comes and trying to move forward to a better place. But instead I feel though a hole into hell. I agree I need to take a deep breath and that my child is the reason I continue to live. If I could just find a new job, I think I could deal better with the being alone part. I worked hard all my life and have multiple degrees and credentials, but it seems that the world is not interested in hiring or loving older women. I feel like some kind of castoff. It's very frightening to realize that my middle class life with husband and child and nice house is now looking more like my alone and homeless life. It's sad to drive my child to my husband's apartment in the morning (so he can get a ride to school) and see his girlfriend's car parked in the driveway. I know it's better that we are no longer together, but it's still painful. My friends are supportive but they have their own issues. They have done so much for me, but they can't get me a job or help me find new love. I can only do that myself, except now I can't. I just wish I could see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. It really does not take much to make me happy--I'm not by nature a depressed person.
Steadfast Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 ...a part of me regretted sending that reply straight away, but that is what I thought was best to say. In any case, I'm sorry and totally understand where you are coming from. I guess my point was, we seldom 'meet' someone when we're consumed with it, and what makes it harder is trying not to act like you're looking when you are. We all have our pride.? The 'us' we try to present to others, hoping they find it attractive and at the same time hoping we're attracted too. That's why I avoid online dating. That's me, I'm old fashioned. Not knowing your situation Monclair, I read some of your old posts. Like many here I see from you a mixture of great advice, sprinkled with an accasional personal insight or sharing. It's clear that you know the drill and you yourself have the standard 'answers and responses' down. I also see that you've sought out professional advice and worked in many other ways to cope and deal with what life has handed you. I'm more than a little underqualified to counsel, but I'll offer my two-cents because of the sense of desperation I see in some of your recent posts; a new 'position' for you. I see people shying away from giving spirtual advice here (a good policy) but your mindset is approaching that of someone who requiers some deeper insight. Your local church might be of some use to you...but only in the sense that true 'spirtuality' is taught; learning to give and pass on. Many of these groups are a trap, and I'm sure there is some sort of policy against anming names so I won't go there. Still, I say to you that giving is the key to happiness, because that's a promise from our creator. 'Nuff said. Look, I'm fresh off a hellish night (last night) with the ex-wife, and my nerves are still raw. That's for another post. Still, I want you to know I understand the feelings of being replaced, of being lonely, neediness and worthlessness. I can assure you 100% that you ARE NOT worthless, but certain aspects of our society will certainly try to push you into that thinking. I don't know the cause of your divorce, but know all too well the feeling of dealing with an ex's new relationship. Big deal. You know him better than her, so remind yourself just what she is dealing with. If he (or his actions) were the cause of your breakup then she's isn't to be envied. This is getting long! Let me close by saying that you should follow your instincts. Right now, I'm alone but it is by choice and need. I need to be. Where can you meet men? Will you ever find true, romantic happiness? I can't answer that, but I can say that a full, productive life can be lived without a partner. These are not easily said words for me Montclair...I lost the love of my life to the world and its lying pleasures and I am not happy about it either. But as you know we're all free to choose. The J.O.B. seems the first order of business for you. How is the search coming? Could you relocate to a new city? Maybe some different surroundings would help. That, btw, is what I am looking into-
Montclair0011 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Thanks, Steadfast, I appreciate your response. I think I need to calm down as I'm getting beyond agitated about all of this. I'm' waking up in the middle of the night and crying profusely for what seems most of the night. I'm absolutely terrified that I will run out of money and end up on the street. Throughout my life I have faced similar crises and overcame them. I thought I had also put in safety nets so I would never be in this position again. I earned a degree in what I thought was a viable employment field. I saved money. I never lived above my means. I valued my family. But despite that, here I am again alone and broke this time I'm older and have more responsibilities and higher expenses. I'm just so exhausted of the struggle. However, no matter what the level of pain, I am just not a religious person. I have never practiced. I was raised an atheist and that's just what I feel most comfortable being. I also can't move because my child needs to be near the ex. I am ocused on getting a job, but I'm not sure what more I could be doing to help my chances. I've had professional help on my resume and some couching. I can get a great recommendation from my boss on my last job (although I'm seeking a different type of job than what I previously was employed--that one would be next to impossible for me find again). I don't have strong contacts in this new field. I think I will eventually get something but it is going to take time and I am worried I will run out of money before. I have unemployment and I'm extending the use of that by working tempoary type jobs(which pay less than unemployment) but I can't make enough to cover my mortgage and have money left over. Never before have I been so aware of the clock ticking (well there was that biological clock thing back in my 30's but this is much worse). But, I can put one foot in front of the other and try to keep trying. Suicide is not an option since I could not do that to my child. I'm stuck here for the time being so I might as well keep flapping my arms around in the water.
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