Predicament

[sally4sara]

S/O has determined (on his own, I'm so proud) that he will step back and allow me to sort things out with his older son, knowing that I am his primary caregiver at this point. Lordy, I should just go ahead and get my Master's in child psychology after this experience!

 

I'm glad to hear you and your SO are working it out.

Have you noticed any interest or talent within the kid? Something that he has no one to share it with? Like drawing, music, or math? He sounds a lot like my ex-roomie's son. The mom lived a few streets away and barely saw him, so he wasn't keen on minding me when I was the only adult home. There was no way to give him consequences that didn't effect my son even when my son wasn't at fault.

Funny enough, the kid had a really good singing voice for his age and we bonded over sheet music and my CD collection lyric pages. Before that, I had no chance with him. I was just another female who wasn't going to stick around like his Ma. We would walk to the music store and get instrumental cds of songs he liked. If he was in a "mood" he missed out on the walks and access to my stereo as well as any praise he would've gotten by singing for me.

[Ariadne]

"Who's on shift tonight?" ask the boys

"Ariadne" giggles the 14 year old girl.

 

"Cooooool". More laughter from them, and a heart-thumper of a panic attack for the 12 year old girl

 

No, that would not happen because I don't treat children like refrigerators.

 

I'd know every little detail of their lives to the point of confession.

[amaysngrace]

B_O you could get him some rash guards to wear with his bathing suit if he's self-conscious. They block UV rays too.

[Taramere]

No, that would not happen because I don't treat children like refrigerators.

 

I'd know every little detail of their lives to the point of confession.

 

That's great, and I'm sure you'd be able to relate to them very well. But sometimes even if you're really sure that someone would feel able to confide in you about anything at all...there's nothing wrong with employing a bit of extra vigilance, in case you're wrong.

 

I think BO is trying really hard to do the right thing in a testing situation, and it sounds as though she's making some headway. Some of the things you said earlier made it seem that you think she was out to control or distress this child. How do you think the best way of handling the situation she described (at the start of the thread) would have been?

[sb129]

B_O- been following this thread but as a non parent with limited experience with tweens I don't feel qualified to contribute too much...

 

however- my H teaches teenage boys, and he says that boundaries and consequence parenting (or teaching in his case) and not getting into an argument, therefore retaining control are two key things he utilises to maintain discipline in his classes.

 

It sounds like you are doing well, and moving forward, one baby step at a time.

 

I wondered if the kid is telling you stuff that isn't true because thats how he WANTS you to see him, and probably thats how he wants to see himself. I would roll with it at this point.

 

He most likely needs a big boost of confidence, and doing stuff like organising sport and activities for him is going to be great for that.

 

Keep up the good work B_O, I think you sound like you can nail this one.

[Ariadne]

How do you think the best way of handling the situation she described (at the start of the thread) would have been?

 

Well,

 

My impression from her post is that the child is scared, and not in a good way:

 

"something in the microwave and it exploded"

"Oh Crap"

"What happened?"

"Nothing"

"What upsets me is that you lied to my face"

"did you think it was OK to lie to me?"

 

Him denying what happened was out of fear, the same way why he said, oh crap.

 

She'd have to treat him with love and acceptance.

 

But she can't do that, it's not in her personality.

 

(Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Children like parents that are like the nice teacher, but she is acting like the sargent)

[blind_otter]

She'd have to treat him with love and acceptance.

 

But she can't do that, it's not in her personality.

 

(Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Children like parents that are like the nice teacher, but she is acting like the sargent)

 

That is hardly the case. But I understand that you are projecting your own issues onto my own predicament, and while I realize that you are allowed your own process - it really isn't on topic, or helpful to the resolution of my own situation.

 

I certainly do encourage you to seek out further advice and explore your sensitivity to this issue and whatever it might have triggered within you - but I think you would be bettered served doing this in your own thread.

 

Be well.

[Ariadne]

I certainly do encourage you to seek out further advice and explore your sensitivity to this issue and whatever it might have triggered within you - but I think you would be bettered served doing this in your own thread.

 

Be well.

 

...........

[blind_otter]

Back on topic, I called a family therapist that someone in a similar predicament recommended to me - she was dealing with a step daughter who was only 4 years old, though, so her issues were a little different.

 

Things seem to be going alright. S/O's son has been helping watch his younger brother - they do have a bond. My son will crawl to his room and scratch on the door and say "brudder". It's so cute.

 

We're supposed to go out kayaking tomorrow morning. S/O's son willingly helped me out with chores yesterday. I was totally prepared for a battle - but when I asked him to take out the trash he just wrestled the bag out of the trashcan and said "OK, trash, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. You decide."

 

He and I had a pretty interesting conversation about the reasons why World War II started. He likes military history and luckily I have some knowledge of that from talks with my Dad. Yet again my great relationship with my Dad serves a purpose in my life.

[Taramere]

(Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Children like parents that are like the nice teacher, but she is acting like the sargent)

 

 

I've seen Matilda. From the impression I've gleaned of BO, if I were going to compare her to anyone in that film it would be....well, Matilda. A bright, sensitive and kind-hearted girl. But I'm sure that discussion of BO herself is not what she had in mind when she started the thread.

 

I think you made a good point about the "oh crap" bit maybe sounding a little scared. Being in unfamiliar surroundings is never going to be easy for a child - and sometimes an attitude might just be an attempt to cover that up/look more at ease than they really feel. BO's obviously well aware of this already, and my impression is that she's just trying to get a variety of perspectives and ideas on on the best way to manage both the very demanding task of looking after her baby with helping her SO's son to settle into his new surroundings.

 

Understanding what the rules and behavioural expectations are is part of that. Not so different from the way a forum like this will outline rules and guidelines for posters. Not so much to control or berate people, as to help them get something positive out of posting.

[amaysngrace]

and you can forget about yourself taking care of everyone else. Especially when you don't work outside the home - I can't justify breaks for myself very often.

 

Oh but it is essential that you make the time to. You run that house there honey. You're a key player...a very major key player. And in you being happy the house will be happy. So it's very important to make some "me" time. You are too important to not treat yourself as you are.

 

In other news it all sounds great. This has been dumped on you but you are handling it like a champ. I kind of knew you would all along though.

 

You always do.

[whichwayisup]

I say just be honest with your SS. Really talk to him and allow him to say whatever is on his mind. Respect goes both ways, though I know at his age, it depends on his frame of mind..

 

Things will work itself out because you are a loving person and sooner or later the kid will come around, realize life will be much easier if he sticks to the rules.

[Trialbyfire]

Back on topic, I called a family therapist that someone in a similar predicament recommended to me - she was dealing with a step daughter who was only 4 years old, though, so her issues were a little different.

 

Things seem to be going alright. S/O's son has been helping watch his younger brother - they do have a bond. My son will crawl to his room and scratch on the door and say "brudder". It's so cute.

 

We're supposed to go out kayaking tomorrow morning. S/O's son willingly helped me out with chores yesterday. I was totally prepared for a battle - but when I asked him to take out the trash he just wrestled the bag out of the trashcan and said "OK, trash, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. You decide."

 

He and I had a pretty interesting conversation about the reasons why World War II started. He likes military history and luckily I have some knowledge of that from talks with my Dad. Yet again my great relationship with my Dad serves a purpose in my life.

I like this kid! What a little character!

[marlena]

Yet again my great relationship with my Dad serves a purpose in my life.

 

Amazing how the words of our parents echo in our minds long after they are gone. Not a day goes by when I do not hear the whisper of their voices. And I am overcome by love and gratitude. How fortunate I think I was to have had such wonderful parents! It is their wisdom that I try to impart to my daughter. You will do the same B_O to your children, your son and your stepson.

[sb129]

Back on topic, I called a family therapist that someone in a similar predicament recommended to me - she was dealing with a step daughter who was only 4 years old, though, so her issues were a little different.

 

Things seem to be going alright. S/O's son has been helping watch his younger brother - they do have a bond. My son will crawl to his room and scratch on the door and say "brudder". It's so cute.

 

We're supposed to go out kayaking tomorrow morning. S/O's son willingly helped me out with chores yesterday. I was totally prepared for a battle - but when I asked him to take out the trash he just wrestled the bag out of the trashcan and said "OK, trash, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. You decide."

 

He and I had a pretty interesting conversation about the reasons why World War II started. He likes military history and luckily I have some knowledge of that from talks with my Dad. Yet again my great relationship with my Dad serves a purpose in my life.

 

Hey B-O, this all sounds really positive.

 

Well done.

 

My brother is a WWII military historian, if you want some interesting links PM me and I can send them to you.

[allina]

I'm not saying this to be mean or to have everyone jump down my throat but I feel like this is a lost cause.

 

BO's bf is an irresponsible addict. She can not trust him, she can not depend on him, he has flipped out on her many times. He is a horrible bf and father. Sorry to be harsh but he is. He's inconsistent with his child causing the child to have major social and behavioral problems. When BO tries to get this mess of a child back on track so that maybe he can be a happy and healthy human being, not only does her bf not help, he hinders BO's efforts. Then he has the nerve to threaten to take BO's son away from her during an argument.

 

Kids in the 11 year old boy's situation RARELY end up happy and functional adults. This is a child born to an addict/alcoholic father and an unfit mother. And I don't know the details about the mother but she's obviously horrid for dumping the kid while she moves away with her new lover. Now this kid and all his issues are stuck in this situation where he's sort of disciplined and sort of resented.

 

The best BO can do is bail on this mess and focus on her son 100%. This baby deserves at least that. It's not fair for the baby to have to grow up in this mess. All this situation will produce is another generation of addicts. Maybe BO could move in with her mom and get her life together, so that her child can grow up in a safe, warm, loving environment.

[Mary3]

Kids lie for 2 reasons :

 

To make themselves better than they appear : " My dad is an astronaut "

 

Or to get out of trouble : " No , mom , I didn't do that "

 

My daughter at 13 mostly lied to avoid trouble. She would do things then deny it.

 

Also the alcoholic : B/O how long have you been with this man ?

 

I strongly do not recommend marrying an alcoholic . ( Not sure if you are ) But I was married to one. Never again.

 

You realize the drinking is a LIFETIME of problems. Its like any other addiction. Its destructive and the addict does it anyway...And the " I don't drink anymore "............ MY H stopped drinking 1000 times.....Trouble ahead on this one...

[blind_otter]

I'm not saying this to be mean or to have everyone jump down my throat but I feel like this is a lost cause.

 

Thanks for your input, you took time out of your day to respond in a heartfelt manner and that is appreciated.

 

I don't agree, though. In "bailing on this situation" I would be showing a horrible example to my son, and to be honest, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. In life, we are often called upon and challenged. It is the way that we face those challenges, and our own response to those circumstances, that we look back on in our old age and when we near death. I know that I would not consider turning away an honorable course of action. I have a larger psychological toolkit than most people, and I should be able to use it.

 

I guess it would be different if my S/O drank every day, or even every weekend. If he couldn't go to work, or wasn't earning enough to support us. But that's not the case.

 

Anyways, it's working so far.

 

You realize the drinking is a LIFETIME of problems. Its like any other addiction. Its destructive and the addict does it anyway...And the " I don't drink anymore "............ MY H stopped drinking 1000 times.....Trouble ahead on this one...

 

Well to be honest, if I fell in line with this thinking then I would be laying out in the gutter myself, because I am a recovering alcoholic.

 

I have, and will always have, complete faith in the human's ability to change, our constant process of change, and the support of our striving towards our best self.

 

"I don't drink anymore" doesn't mean anything, I know that. But, if a person claims to want sobriety and they also have actions that support that claim, as in attending AA meetings, RR meetings (for those who aren't into the faith based stuff), group therapy, or who are voluntarily in mental health programs that support their sobriety - well, actions speak louder than words. So if the actions indicate a desire for sobriety, I will continue to support that.

 

It's so strange to me when people come at me, insisting I leave my S/O. That just because he stopped drinking and gets help now doesn't mean he will stay sober forever. Well, then that's true for me to, because I am a recovering addict and alcoholic as well.

 

All I have is now, and now is pretty good. If I focus too much on the past, or the unknowable future - then I won't be living my life very well, will I?

[Mary3]

When my H and I went for Counseling the counselor said " I have not had a drink in 22 years and I still want one ". That was enough for me...

[Touche]

Allina, I usually agree with you but not on this one. BO is right. You should be proud of yourself BO.

 

And listen, if I with NO psychological took kit, and as someone who still hasn't beaten her addictions, can get through this and do it successfully then you certainly can. I have no doubt. And please keep in mind that some days will be easier than others. Sometimes it will feel like two steps back but just keep giving it your best. It should turn out alright. This little boy is soooo lucky to have you. His mother sounds just horrible.

 

And we all have to keep in mind that this IS your son's brother. How would you explain not trying to make this work to him?

 

You know, a few years ago we changed our will so that my stepson would become our son's legal guardian if something should happen to us. They're very close even though they're 9 years apart. One day it will just be the two of them left.

 

Anyway, don't mean to ramble...I'm proud of you BO.

[Sweetcheripie]

Allina, I usually agree with you but not on this one. BO is right. You should be proud of yourself BO.

 

And listen, if I with NO psychological took kit, and as someone who still hasn't beaten her addictions, can get through this and do it successfully then you certainly can. I have no doubt. And please keep in mind that some days will be easier than others. Sometimes it will feel like two steps back but just keep giving it your best. It should turn out alright. This little boy is soooo lucky to have you. His mother sounds just horrible.

 

And we all have to keep in mind that this IS your son's brother. How would you explain not trying to make this work to him?

 

You know, a few years ago we changed our will so that my stepson would become our son's legal guardian if something should happen to us. They're very close even though they're 9 years apart. One day it will just be the two of them left.

 

Anyway, don't mean to ramble...I'm proud of you BO.

 

Just wanted to DITTO the above in bold

[blind_otter]

When my H and I went for Counseling the counselor said " I have not had a drink in 22 years and I still want one ". That was enough for me...

 

Ha ha, counselors and therapists are not magical gurus! They are just people who went to school and have specific training. There are a lot of recovering alcoholics out there who are great people. Art_Critic comes to mind!

 

Sobriety isn't about eliminating any desire to drink. I think everyone is guilty of wanting to indulge themselves in something that may not be good for them when they are feeling low - the thing that separates folks is that some of them are able to accept that they want to indulge themselves, but find another way to feel better...others just go ahead and indulge.

 

Sobriety is about choosing not to drink, even when you may feel weak and really want to.

 

I'm rambling.

 

Thanks for being proud of me, guys. It's a tough row to hoe, as my Dad would say.

[Mary3]

Ha ha, counselors and therapists are not magical gurus! They are just people who went to school and have specific training. There are a lot of recovering alcoholics out there who are great people. Art_Critic comes to mind!

 

Sobriety isn't about eliminating any desire to drink. I think everyone is guilty of wanting to indulge themselves in something that may not be good for them when they are feeling low - the thing that separates folks is that some of them are able to accept that they want to indulge themselves, but find another way to feel better...others just go ahead and indulge.

 

Sobriety is about choosing not to drink, even when you may feel weak and really want to.

 

I'm rambling.

 

Thanks for being proud of me, guys. It's a tough row to hoe, as my Dad would say.

 

 

I think you are an amazing person

 

I just know personally it was hell , for 14 years. I just know that its a Dealbreaker for me personally.

 

I know the there are all forms of addictions. I love sugar ! But I would be hard pressed to get involved with an alcoholic again.

 

I realize there are roads to recovery. I know you are going to ride the tide with your SO. Thats absolutely great. I just know I can't do that again to my life. It took so much from me.

[blind_otter]

So I just wanted to give an update to those who are interested. S/O and I started seeing that family therapist that was recommended to us and it has been really fantastic so far. The sessions are not pleasant, of course. I tend to roll up my sleeves and dive right in.

 

At this point I do tend to use therapists as a sounding board more than anything else, because I do lots of reading and research on my own and am so committed to getting better. My S/O has been on board in this as well, he has been surprisingly open and candid in the sessions. I like the therapist, too. She isn't on anyone's side, which is great, and she has this really positive energy about her which I respond well to, as does S/O.

 

We are seeing her for a while before introducing SS to the mix. But he's been pretty good lately. There have been a few tense moments, but I have been dialing down my developmental expectations in regard to his emotions, and he has been making an effort to come back after the fact and offer sincere apologies without making excuses.

 

We are starting to get some regular chores sorted, and are looking into a few week long day camps here and there because he needs a reason to get up in the morning.

 

I do need some advice about his bedtime - but that's for another thread.

 

Anyways, things are progressing as well as can be expected.

 

Our money situation sucks, though. S/O's exW refuses to sign the papers that say that SS now lives with us - so though we are now his primary caregivers, we still have to pay nearly $400/month to exW in child support. She went to Canada for a month to scout out where she's moving with her new BF and called her son ONE TIME the entire month, which makes me sick. She's having a grand vacation using the child support money now that she doesn't have to take care of her own son. She also quit her job, which pisses me off.

 

I have a lot of anger and rage at this woman, but no way to work through it. I am just trying to accept every moment as if I had chosen this freely. Anger does no one any good.

[whichwayisup]

Our money situation sucks, though. S/O's exW refuses to sign the papers that say that SS now lives with us - so though we are now his primary caregivers, we still have to pay nearly $400/month to exW in child support. She went to Canada for a month to scout out where she's moving with her new BF and called her son ONE TIME the entire month, which makes me sick. She's having a grand vacation using the child support money now that she doesn't have to take care of her own son. She also quit her job, which pisses me off.

 

Talk to the T about this too, maybe she'll have some suggestions.. As well as talking to a lawyer. What the ex is doing is not cool, taking the money and using it on herself. I can totally understand your frustration!

 

Are the courts involved?