Ilovehim Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I'm always careful not to really mention my ex with a guy if I want something with him because I feel as though...well for 1) I highly doubt my ex ever mentioned me to the new "love" he has found and 2) I think the guy I'm talking to would not like that.. Personally I hatedddd it when someone I liked would constantly mention an ex:rolleyes:...but then sometimes I feel like I DO want to talk to this guy about my ex and how much he hurt me...... Just wanted your opinions on this..
rya794 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 i completely understand that you do want to talk about your previous experiences dating. i think that it will be an important part of letting your partner understand your feelings and what you expect out of future partners. i also believe that if you have had unusually bad experiences in the past it could help build trust between you and your partner. with that being said, if you are questioning yourself about whether or not you should bring it up then i would say it is too soon to talk about. eventually you will get to a point where you are sure this guy is serious about you and that conversation will occur naturally. im a guy and i can say that (depending on the circumstances) a girl bringing up a past boyfriend too early would not necessarily be a deal breaker but it sure wouldn't be a turn on. it might also lead the guy to think that you see the same problems emerging in him. also, i wouldn't even consider bringing up good memories you have had about past boyfriends, that would probably be a deal breaker and lead me to think that your still hung up on your ex.
mogul Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 In the beginning, it would be weird and creep me out. It is a definite deal breaker for me if it is still in the early stages as it should be about us, getting to know each other, our likes and dislikes and not about how much you hate your ex or what the recurring problems were. As the relationship progresses, gradually i would like to know to a certain extent.
Intricategirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I have been out twice since my split, and each time, the guy is the first one to bring up my ex. And they seem to actually want to discuss him and what happened. It's kind of freaky. It also puts me in a really bad situation later, because it's difficult to say, "I've got a lot of conflicted feelings about it" without it seeming like you're still hung up on the ex. For a lot of reasons, I'm going to have to discuss my ex before I get intimate with a guy. It's already been an issue once, and I sort of owe him more of an explanation about everything. But I'm trying to figure out how to tell him, "Look, I didn't turn down sex with you because I'm hung up on my ex in a good or bad way, and I didn't turn it down because I'm not interested in you. I'm trying to figure out my own comfort level and make sure I don't screw up something that could otherwise be incredible." And I think the guy is smart enough to look at me and know that I'm telling him the absolute truth and being as open as I can without just laying everything down at once.
lora22 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I never bring up or mention past bfs with new dates/bfs. When we get to a point where it seems appropriate I will ask about his exs - I think knowing why his past relationships failed is very important, but I don't press the issue, I don't ask for intricate details, and I only offer information about mine if he explicitly asks or makes it otherwise known that he might be interested in info from me also. What are your motives for wanting to talk about your ex and how he hurt you? Is it because you're not over him or the break up/relationship yet? Is it because you want to play the wounded victim for attention or to try to make him "be there" emotionally for you? Or is it because you feel mentioning a particular fact that might affect how you interact with him would be beneficial to moving forward in your relationship with him? What it comes down to, I think, is that it's important to know why someone's relationship ended, but wounds from your past shouldn't become your current bf's or date's problem.
tkgirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I have been out twice since my split, and each time, the guy is the first one to bring up my ex. And they seem to actually want to discuss him and what happened. It's kind of freaky. It also puts me in a really bad situation later, because it's difficult to say, "I've got a lot of conflicted feelings about it" without it seeming like you're still hung up on the ex. For a lot of reasons, I'm going to have to discuss my ex before I get intimate with a guy. It's already been an issue once, and I sort of owe him more of an explanation about everything. But I'm trying to figure out how to tell him, "Look, I didn't turn down sex with you because I'm hung up on my ex in a good or bad way, and I didn't turn it down because I'm not interested in you. I'm trying to figure out my own comfort level and make sure I don't screw up something that could otherwise be incredible." And I think the guy is smart enough to look at me and know that I'm telling him the absolute truth and being as open as I can without just laying everything down at once. I think what you wrote here is just perfect...
dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I think it depends. If it was something that had a HUGE impact on your life, and your currant relationship, then it could be something to be brought up, only if needed. And only if you're at that point with the new person in your life where it would be reasonable.
Intricategirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 What it comes down to, I think, is that it's important to know why someone's relationship ended, but wounds from your past shouldn't become your current bf's or date's problem. Shouldn't be, but sometimes it's unavoidable. And I guess the way I look at it, I'm not looking to them to take on my past problems. Just recognize they exist, know that I'll give them a head's up, and let me work through my crap as much as possible without dragging them along with me. But that if I'm talking about a past relationship, it's probably because it's a "you're going to want to pay close attention to this part, 'cause it might be on the test" kind of thing. TKgirl, here's hoping. If given the opportunity, I'd make this guy know that Brad Pitt and George Clooney could have both been hitting on me, and they wouldn't have gotten half as far as he did.
dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 TKgirl, here's hoping. If given the opportunity, I'd make this guy know that Brad Pitt and George Clooney could have both been hitting on me, and they wouldn't have gotten half as far as he did. You have strength! :D:D:D
Intricategirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 You have strength! :D:D:D No, I think it's called a crush. ROFL! Still... I'm glad that I'm feeling crushable.
Author Ilovehim Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 I really liked everyone's responses... No I definetely wouldnt bring it up too soon...the thing is that I've had people ask me and I kind of just brush it off.. I would want to talk about it because I think it's a HUGE part of my life..Not to play the victim or anything but I have been hurt very bad and simply want him to understand where I'm coming from when I say things such as "I want honesty and that I dont wanna move too fast too soon." Its not to compare anyone to my ex in a good or bad way...Im not hung up on my ex..I have good & bad feelings accociated with him to a certain extent but they wouldnt get in the way of me with somebody else, I wouldnt allow that...I just feel that opening up about something that had a big emotional impact and that changed you would kind of bring you closer to that person...I dont know if that made any sense...
mortensorchid Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I did bring up an ex recently when I was out with someone. Not that I was talking about him (the ex) specifically, but how it related to my weight gain, as I used to weigh 45 lbs heavier than I do now. But otherwise, do not bring up an ex or a previous experience with a new person until you KNOW them a bit better. Talking about an ex does not bring you closer together, in fact, it pulls you apart - at least in the initial, getting to know you stages of it. Avoid.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Actually, if I really trust the guy, I talk about the ex. I wouldn't do that with someone I'm just starting to date. But on comparing notes on past relationships, I think it's important to understand where somebody is coming from. IMO, it makes it easier to understand why they might react a certain way in a certain situation if I know what their past experience has been. But it's not a ****-talk session and it's not a glowing report, either. I give it straight. I talk about things that did not work in that relationship - things he did that I didn't like, and things that I did that I wish I had done differently. I think it's a learning experience.
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