hardlover Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 We were togheter for 5 months. She is almost 19 year, and Im almost 23. The first 3 months were great, but the last month we just started arguing. It was mainly my fault, since I was controlling, where I had to check her cellphone, questioning why she couldn't be with me instead with her friends sometimes etc, and generelly being quite clingy. She was the one who was clingy in the begining but the tide changed later on. In the last month, i asked her friend if a friend of my girlfriend were someone she had a past sexual experience with. The friend of her told her, and my girlfriend got really upset since i already had asked her before, so she seriously started doubting me if i could ever start trusting her because i told her i would start trusting her, and this incident was a catapult into a negative circle that none of us could get out from. We were arguing all the time, and i noticed how she wanted to see me less often, hanging up sooner while we called each other. We ended the relationship while going to a 4 day trip to mallorca. The first day of the trip, i cried on the airplane because she told me i really had to stop ask questions like " Am I the man who you want to be with forever" and other similiar questions, because she couln't take it otherwise. I promised her, and i acted perfect for 2 days, but i started noticing how she became less affectionate. I told this to her, and she told me maybe all the arguing had done some scars that couldn't be healed , and that she had to decide when coming home after the trip if we should continue as a couple. I coulnd't take this, so i ended the relationship, took her back, ended it again, and wanted her back(i was in an emotional turmoil), but then she didnt want me back the last time, and I begun acting like an idiot. Saying some really harsh things which she said she couldn't forgive me for, and we agreed upon meeting each other 2 years into the future, because maybe then could i fix my problems that ruined this relationship. While back home, i sent a very nice letter, telling this was the best, because both of us had struggled for so long and we couldnt fix it. That i had some issues such as being controlling and etc . Then i met her at the pub a couple of days later, i told her i didnt love her anymore, and she started crying and she went home. I was in an emtional turmoil and for 1 month i sent like 10 emails(1000 words each approximately), one could be about begging to get her back and trying to convince her, in another one i would blame her for being immature, in another telling her to **** off and so on, and i called her too. In the beginning she answered the phone calls, but one time she didnt answer, and i started calling like 30 times in a row out of frustration, until she shut off her cellphone for like one week, and after that i once stumbled upon her in town and forced my self into her apartment, by following her home, and then saying i just wanted a cup of water. She started crying really bad, telling me that what im doing is wrong and so on, and that maybe some day i will learn, and that she knew I dont want to be one of the guys who terrorize ther ex.In the begining she told me that she may call me in a three months time and we could get togheter. Then as I continued terrorzing her, it became "maybe in 6 months, but not more than 2 year, and finally she said she wouldnt give me a chance at all. Then i confronted her about this, "dont you ever want us to be togheter again", and she said she didnt know, and I started begging, and she said ok, call some time. Me " can i call you in 9 months time", and she said that i could do it, but she might not answer, and i asked her when she wanted me to call her, and she said 2 years like we agreed the first time would be best, but i said ok, maybe i will call you in nine months time. Then shortly afterwards i sent a very nice message, apoligizing for my behaviour, that i just been feeling anxious, that i didnt wanted this to happen but im such an idiot and i could only dream that you could forgive me, and that im not going to call in 9 months time, or 2 years time, because dont want to disturb you anymore, but you can call me anytime you want and i will be ready to fix all the things that ruined the relationship. She didnt answer the message, and now 18 days has passed and ivnt been contacting her at all and ive no intentions of contacting her either. I know I've ****ed this up. Will any girl ever want to get toghether with a guy who has been terrorizing,telling her mean things for one month? I was her first relationship, and she has never loved anyone as much as she loved me. Do you guys think there is a possibility that if I go NC for 3 months from now on, that she will contact me? Is it ok for me to call her in 3 months time or maybe in one year, or would i just look even more desperate in her eyes, for not moving on in my life?
scienceguy Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Hey, I'm sorry buddy, but I think both of us know the answer to the question of whether or not she'll ever want to contact you again. I don't think anybody else out there will tell you differently. For what it's worth, I was in a somewhat similar situation that you're now experiencing, and I'm really sorry you have to go through any of this. I really think you need to take a step back and ask yourself is any of this is something you want in your life? Rereading your post, I see a lot of self-loathing going on. And crucially, I don't know if you recognize that the sort of behavior you're engaging in, is totally unhealthy. The sort of stuff you're describing is way out of line, and on some level, I think you know that. After all, it's pretty clear you're struggling with your choices, and you are clear how they have polluted things between you and that girl. I don't know your background with past relationships or your family background, but I would suggest you take a look at it to see if this kind of stuff have contributed to the way you behaved towards the girl. If so, I'd consider going to see a counselor or therapist about it. I know this sounds harsh, but I think you really gotta frame your situation in this way and take an honest look at what's going on. You don't want to repeat this stuff ever again. As for the girl, it's really just over. She is out of your life, and you will no longer be a part of hers. I think you gotta accept that what you two had was unhealthy and wrong for both of you. I'm sorry, but you gotta get over that mental hurdle right now. Anyways, don't beat yourself up too much about what happened. It's a really good thing that you realize that your choices are wrong, and you're trying to deal with that, but don't demonize yourself too. I was in a similar situation, and it's been about 18 months, and I'm getting over a lot of those old problems. Still a long way to go, but I'm definitely in better shape today than the past. Good luck.
Author hardlover Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Yes i realize all the bad things i did, and yes, many of them were self-loathing in character. Instead of seeking approval,being controlling, and focusing on her, i will try to focus on myself instead, and act in a way that will make myself look more attractive, and making her more attracted to me. I think that is a better way. I guess my ex will never want to get togheter with me again, and if I ever call her in the future, lets say 2 years, she will be very sceptical, and come with some excuses of already dating someone else. All the terrorizing,begging, harsh words have totally changed her view on me. I might look like a desperate,needy psycho with whom she never want to get togheter again. She wont put herself through this again. Man, ive really destroyed all my chances with her. She were the one who suggested meeting in a two year time, but all my actions after ending up has made her change her mind. I'm however dating someone else, and she is really into me. She is 23 years old and sharper in mind than my ex, however she is slightly less beautiful which make much harder to moving on, as I feel I've downgraded.
robinincarolina Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I agree with the above post. This type of behaviour is not natural or healthy. I would have told you where to go the first time you checked my cell phone. I to think you need to explore what makes you so insecure. I have a freind involved with a guy like that, always questioning, always needing reassurance. I never get to see her anymore and I miss her. I would like to just shake her. Like above stated, don't beat yourself up. Learn from this and fix it so some other poor girl won't have to go through this. I am not being harsh, but life is too short and there is nothing like a good healthy relationship. You can get there, but you have work to do.
Author hardlover Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Well i think ive learned something very important out of this. Im sure im better prepared next time. She was my first relationship, so i guess i couldnt believe that someone as beatiful as her could love so much, which explains why i needed approval and reassurance all the time. However, i guess this girl will never contact me(even though she was positive to contacting me within a year time in the beginning)? Is it ok for me to contact her some time in the future, 3 months or 2 years?
loveshy Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Yes this girl will probably never contact you... Dont have any hopes.. But you dont need to contact her.. NEVER EVER CONTACT HER NOW.... She has made her decision and she won't change it.. Just leave her alone...Dont waste your time on her...
lonelypiscesguy Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Any ideas on my last message ?Don't mean to be confrontational, but if I were this girls father, you and I would have a VERY short talk and you WOULD get my point. What your doing is sick, to yourself and to her, and it borders on the criminal, at least here in the States (I'm assuming you're British). I must admit that I flew off the handle at my ex, said cruel things that I deeply regret, but in a weird way, it got us talking again. I thought she lied and used me, so I went nuts, saying hurtful things to the woman I love, something VERY uncharacteristic for me. Why should my ex trust that if we got back together that I wouldn't flash on her like that again? The same reason your ex, if she has any sense of self-worth won't trust you again. I have just started seeing a therapist, something I NEVER thought I'd be doing. If I can do it at 42, you can do it at 23. You'll thank yourself someday...now leave that poor girl alone, forever!
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