totallyunsure Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 i am currently seeing an amazing woman and last night we was talking about exs and she then started really crying i calmed her down and she told me that two of her exs had cheated on her and that her self esteem is rock bottom.i told her that she is beautiful and one of the most amazing woman i know but i dont think it increased her self esteem.how long does it take to build up your self esteem after someone has cheated on you?
Mahatma Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Just don't cheat on her, and be prepared for her to be somewhat clingy.
rya794 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 how serious are you about this girl? you seem like you pretty into her and the fact that you were having this conversation makes me think it is at least relatively serious. if you are serious about her i would first off suggest that you start reading up on self esteem issues. this girl is coming to you with baggage, thats not necessarily a bad thing, because just about every one comes carrying some. You are lucky enough to have identified hers. she is probably going to have some serious issues as the relationship progresses and if you are ready for it, i think it will make things easier for you. Also, i am currently in a similar situation as you girl friend. what i want is a girl that understands how i am feeling and it would also be nice if someone came along and really tried to make me feel like i WAS worth it. Telling her she is beautiful and amazing is nice but that is not going to cure her. i actually here the same thing from people all the time and sometimes it actually makes me feel worse sometimes, because i feel like i am in failing relationships despite the fact that i am "beautiful" and "amazing" (to use your words). actions are what counts treat her like she is someone that is important and especially like someone that is important to you. Also, you are not going to be able to solve this problem for her, you could help the situation, but not solve it. i have noticed from my situation that engaging myself more with guy friends has helped a lot. i don't know if this girl has a lot of girl friends but if not maybe you could try hooking her up with some of yours. Also, as for the cheating topic make sure you are open with her about your relationships with others and other girls in particular. she is going to be focusing on them to avoid any further pain and if she senses that your putting walls up she is either going to give up on you or slide lower and lower down the self esteem scale.
mogul Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 If you are serious with her, by all means go for it. However, if it was a first stage and you aren't too invested, run. I absolutely fell for a girl in the past, and it was a shame these ex bf's of her cheated on her. I tried doing everything possible to have her feel better, saying shes beautiful, they were fools and the such. Things seemed to be going better. We eventually were not bf/gf but semi serious and dating. This is where things go to hell. They will have so many insecurity issues due to the fact they were cheated on and got burned so many times. Regardless of how much you try to convince them you are not the same as her ex's, by voicing it as well as your actions, they can never fully trust another guy before they get help on themselves. Eventually, things will get to a point where you can't take it as they will constantly cause fights/arguments that YOU are cheating on them. Also, they are super clingy.
Kaybear Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 If you are serious with her, by all means go for it. However, if it was a first stage and you aren't too invested, run. I absolutely fell for a girl in the past, and it was a shame these ex bf's of her cheated on her. I tried doing everything possible to have her feel better, saying shes beautiful, they were fools and the such. Things seemed to be going better. We eventually were not bf/gf but semi serious and dating. This is where things go to hell. They will have so many insecurity issues due to the fact they were cheated on and got burned so many times. Regardless of how much you try to convince them you are not the same as her ex's, by voicing it as well as your actions, they can never fully trust another guy before they get help on themselves. Eventually, things will get to a point where you can't take it as they will constantly cause fights/arguments that YOU are cheating on them. Also, they are super clingy. I take this into consideration thinking I've been cheated on by BOTH sides of the sexual sides. Common knowledge is that the girl, obviously. feels like she'll have trust issues. I did myself, but I was able to push past those, not be clingly, and even more...I was able to live happily with my boyfriend who's been nothing but support. If your serious, support her and try to make things better for her. SHOW her you aren't like the rest. If you think your going to cheat, shy away from it and run. If not, then commit to it and show her your different. I admit, some of us are different then the others, but most of us will get over the self-esteem issues and start looking at ourselves in a optimistic sense. I did, and I've been in a very happy relationship since then. There are times when a women uses one man to overcome her self-esteem issues, and then, that is all. The relationship was purely to grasp and pull her out of the bind she was in. If your serious and you care for her wellbeing, is it wrong to be that man? I don't know. I wouldn't want to be for just anyone. If I cared enough, I would take that dive. I do wish you well, and I hope the best. =) -Kaybear.
lora22 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 The only thing you can do is not cheat and to be supportive. I personally think that being cheated on can be a blow to self-esteem, and it can make you a little bitter on occasion toward the opposite sex, but it's not the actual cause of self-esteem, more like an excuse for lacking it. I think if she's really lacking in self-esteem, it goes deeper than just being cheated on. I've been cheated on in relationships a few times, and I don't have self-esteem problems. Same with some of my friends. In fact, I can only think of one friend who has really low self-esteem, and I don't think it's a result of the cheating (although maybe her already low self-esteem led her to date guys that didn't treat her right, but that's another issue), and she actually uses her "I only act this way because I was cheated on in the past" wither her current bf all the time to get her way when they disagree about something.
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