What do I do about this...

[kinesis]

There is this girl that i can't get out of my head.

 

Ever since I met her its been crazy.

 

Let me start...

 

Back in August of 08 was a transitioning phase of my life. I left a place i was living a few cities away from here, and ended up here.

 

After I had moved here. I went to the local market for the first time to get groceries. While checking out an explosion occured. I had laid eyes on probably the hottest girl I'd ever seen. She seemed to be struck also, and immediately began texting on her phone. I worked up the guts to talk to her outside and get her number. she gave it to me without any issue

 

Anyways, we went out.. chemistry was very deep. unfortunately, it never lead to sex .. She was pretty shallow, young, 19 years old. she was uncomfortable by my house etc. because I live with older people that frequent her work .. i guess she felt creeped out or something. I really dont know. It was purely superficial now I live in California, keep this in mind. But later on I did find out she was seeing someone else already, perhaps he had a much nicer house and better things going for him and she, comparing him to me obviously didnt **** me in the end. It was the biggest damage to my pride. Girls had always done this to me.. I always got second best when it came to women I never was the champ that properly escalated, seduced, and closed the girl. The damage on my self esteem has been very tremendous. This had been the secnd time I lost a girl to someone else. But I still wonder if maybe she had aboyfriend and was cheating on him by making out with me and seeing me? I do not know... What I do know is there was this guy at her work that looked rather upset at me, and angry. Could be a coincidence, or not.

 

I had just transitioned there and was in the process of moving in on a rental agreement with the people.. They were struggling to keep with their investment payments and bills. So I opted to rent out a room in their house to help them pay for things.

 

I had no bedroom at the time of meeting her. I was only on the couch. We couldn't mess around or do what she wanted .. I guess she said she was bored... so we went to the park. I am not one to rush into things.. but apparently from the get go she just wanted to **** me i dont know.. To this day I really never figured out what she wanted. It drives me nuts. I really didnt reciprocate on what she wanted. I think it was sex or to mess around. I didnt push it or move in for it. Partly because I don't think having sex on a first date is really a good idea. This is what leads me to believe, because of how she was rushing it.. that perhaps she was cheating on someone. I think perhaps she ended up finding the guy to cheat with.. a ****ing HISPANIC i suspect too.. I live in san diego which is like hispanic capital of the world.. which grosses me out even more because I am pretty much pure anglo saxon. I don't know all I know is if that happened it wasnt me... But, at her age, I had sex with someone outside of my race.. so.. I don't think I can legitamately hold that against her. But, maybe I can.. IT WASN'T A HISPANIC! hispanics i dealt with in the past were racist grease ball pricks. I can only count 1 time I worked for a hispanic guy that he paid me well and did me right.

 

Anyways, She ended up telling me 'she wasn't attracted to me anymore' and that i should 'find someone my own age' and that 'i was skinny'. These words crushed me really bad. In return, a few days later I said some really harsh things to her.. Out of stupidity I was talking to another girl friend (not romantic, just a female friend, she is now engaged to her fiance) about her, she said that what she said and did was unacceptable and instructed me to say "I only wanted to **** the boring ass bag girl" to her, preying on her insecurity of working for low wages at a local grocery market. I guess i didnt speak the situation clearly to my other female friend and it was communicated to me to say the wrong things to her as a result.

 

Well turns out that damage done was really signifigant. we cut off contact, she erased me from her myspace 5 days later. Once I saw my friends list count drop -1 I began to weep in sorry and the pain was just excruciating.. I had never hurt so bad. I live a relatively simple life, I have no car, but I do know this.. I never met a woman that ever did it for me like that.. The thought of her sleeping with someone else seeped into my mind and the pain was just incredible. I felt like I had totally lost her. But I feel I may have misunderstood the situation. I don't know if maybe I was just a guy she was cheating with, a rebound, or what.

 

Either way. A lot of time has passed since then. and i always still shopped at her work. I would see her there time to time. Recently i have gotten so tired of seeing her because I just hurt so much inside. I have recently, like 2-3weeks, maybe a month ago caught notice of her beginning to check me out. THe first time she had a look on her face like she felt really guilty about what she had done and just wanted me back. But I really don't know if I can trust her.. I am scared. I don't want more pain.. I am worried about this girl. So many things tell me that there could be somebody better. But now a days I have just been thinking I would love to **** her.. I don't know why.. I am just craving sex and its a huge mess. I don't know what to do.. But I recently flipped out to her over myspace and stated how i felt about what she did to me and such.. And recently I just cant stand to see her.. i told her she makes me sick.. etc.. But despite the fact i sent her 4 or 5 really messed up myspace messages. she never once told me to **** OFF or LEAVE ME ALONE or YOU ARE A PSYCHO A NUT GET THE **** AWAY FROM ME like some girl that really wanted you away would do.. she replied to and read every message I said. Then , i tried to send another one saying I was sorry for saying all those mean things.. and to find out she set her myspace profile to "BLOCK ALL MESSAGES EXCEPT FROM FRIENDS" But didnt block ME.. Why didnt she BLOCK ME specifically?!

 

then recently we conversed over text.. i thanked her for being the one to point out my flaws and that I had just acquired a valuable .COM name.. that I would be developing a very nice website soon and hopefully get rich enough off of it that I wouldn't need her anymore. that next time I found a girl that made me feel that way, I would be in control..

 

But I STILL CANT GET HER OUT OF MY MIND. Her memory just STINGS me like venom. it really hurts. the other day, i was attempting to go to her work to get something to eat.. then i saw her.. about 25-30 feet away.. glancing at me.. i just walked the other way.. it hurts me so much to see this girl. i am just destroyed. I don't know what to do

I am currently torn between wanting to text her just random ashfafkjh and say oops my phone accidently texted you sorry just to start a conversation or wanting to RUN FOR THE HILLS this girl is wicked demon in the flesh hurting my mind and my soul. I am scared at the same time I just don't know. She has given signs that she could want me back, and I keep pushing her away.. am I making the right choice here? i am only 26.. i dont have a car yet. I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A HOT GIRL EVER!!! The girl was always stolen from me and ****ed by someone else and I always got second best.. So I have been really damaged by women in general, I was never the champion alpha male that got the girl. I just cannot take 'sloppy seconds' if this girl is just a slut.. I am too proud for it and it just doesnt satisfy me.

 

This situation is maddening me. it really is. part of me wants to talk to her part me of wants to stay away. its tearing me apart.. and if i just walk away.. she will be burned in my mind forever.. i never found a girl that did this to me.. its insane. The bottom line is, we both did ****ed up things to each other.. its pretty equal. I said cruel things to her, and she said cruel things back.. we pushed each other away.. Looking back though, I don't quite know if there was anything I could have done about her attraction, I think I have a bad personality or maybe there is something that I lacked.. Game or the ability to seduce properly.. We ended up going to a park to make out, there were people and stuff around and it made her uncomfortable.. Perhaps she just wasnt attracted to me because the guy she was currently seeing had a nicer place and could have sex without worry ? I don't know

 

This situation is driving me nuts... i dont know what to do. I am really hoping I find someone better.. but i dont know.. Meeting this girl, and this whole event seemed like once in a lifetime. I never met a girl that made me feel these feelings.. its just crazy. please help and if im leaving details out or theres more you want to know I will share. I am torn up

 

like I said i think she was already seeing someone else.. so there wasn't much I could do to keep her for myself.. but now she showed signs of wanting me back.. i dont know.. i think at this point majority of me just says shes a mess and shes does too much psychological damage/trauma to my mind and she isnt worth the trouble and pain..RUN AWAY!!! but i am fearing i may never find a girl that makes me feel this way again. I AM GOING CRAZY OVER THIS!!!! Recently it's been so bad, I cant shop at her market when shes there.. its effecting my eating patterns.. ive been eating fast food junk and im going unhealthy as a result.. its really messing me up. part of me wants to LEAVE THIS TOWN and hope i run into another girl.. but this girl is just so .. i just dont feel like im going to find someone better.. I have been waiting to feel that way all my life.. and it finally did... and now what? please help me

 

actually idk after thinking about the hispanic part...which i just added and came to realize about 5 minutes ago... i think im better off without this girl.. im pretty grossed out... I think there is a girl out there that has stayed pretty true to her race.. and anything but a hispanic.. seriously.. they are overflowing our gene poool and overpopulating our country.. its not good. it makes me sick to think about... i have WAYYY too much pride for this. but at the same time I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE TRUTH IS... could i have very well destroyed her self esteem to the point where it pushed her to have sex with the lowest form on our gene pool by saying those cruel things?? this is why i am very unhappy with myself these days.. I think while i was in tijuana one night, at a strip joint..with my friend Johnny, i got a text .. that was jarbled.. international.. i dont know if it was misdirected but it said "I rox that which you do not get" i suspect also maybe a person i grew up with, the alpha male who always stole my girl .. was also on my myspace profile at the same time as this girl.. and he stole her.. i will never know.. but i erased him since so it never happens again. even still **** that *******. if he stole another girl from me, then yeah.. i messed up...

 

conclusion>>

ehhh i think i answered my own question.. *makes fart noise with his mouth* next... i dont even think that she is worth my cock.. she doesn't deserve it.. she did it once shes sure to do it again. just need to get out more and MOVE and hopefully I'll find another girl that does it for me.. my biggest concern is that im getting older.. im 26 now.. and im running out of time to have my mind rocked by a hot young female.. im already thought of as 'too old' and such by the type of girls that arouse me the most... the 18-22 bracket.. I think i might have to start lying about my age soon... while i never let that stop me or kill my confidence or game.. It is a reality that I'm running out of time.. come 30 its going to be way too late for sure... if i haven't gotten laid by a hot girl then, its over.. i think i will feel worthless and want to die... But what if I don't know the truth? How can I find out? thats the big problem. I highly doubt the bitch is innocent.

 

I guess the question is also, aside from not knowing the real truth.. What can I do in the future to ensure I GET THE GIRL no matter what? Have sex with her first and foremost, before another guy gets her? because once thats done, then I can decide if I like her or want to keep her or not. i think i just didnt want to f*ck her because im after a more virtuous woman.. not a girl that has sex or sleeps around.. PERIOD.. I want my mind rocked by the purest & best sex experience EVER. beyond my wildest dreams. a girl good morals, that was raised right and not corrupted by the spoils of california, not dirty on the inside, not used up and shared around. but 18-22 year old girls, the prime age range that turn me on the most.. in california.. are ALL f*cking wh*res like this.. it seems like theres no such thing as a proper girl at this age... its like im looking for the girl I'll NEVER have yet missing out on valuable sexual experiences I wont be able to replace.. If I finally do find that jewel of an experience that allows me to die with a smile on my face, hopefully it will be so blissfull and nice that it will make up for all the losses combined.. I want to feel EXCLUSIVE, like she chose me out of so many guys that she could have gave it to. I just have to hold on and keep faith. I have turned down a LOT of vagina waiting for this.. and I really do feel foolish.. like I could be making the wrong choice holding out. I feel like I may have even damaged some women by not accepting them and just having sex with them.. like they may have ended up having sex with losers in the end and/or contracting stds.. etc..

[Habeas Corpse]

K.I.S.S.

 

[kinesis]

lol that response doesn't help me any.... should i just have her read this? she will think i am a nut case for sure and say YOU ARE CRAZY lol...

 

Maybe younger than 20 is just too young in california.. girls are just stupid at that age.. it's sad but california is all about the glitter and the glitz and the glam.. girls at 18-20 range are just caught up in it and get played by the guys with the nice car, money, confidence, 'game' , etc.. it really SUCKS out here for quality women... Perhaps I need to go OUT OF STATE if I really want to find the girl that does it for me inside and out.. Maybe this one just does it for me on the outside.. I need the inside too

[Habeas Corpse]

Yes. Because she isn't going to read the OP. I sure as hell didn't. It's way too freaking long. Is the OP George Burns' autobiography?

[kinesis]

well most important is the biography's conclusion and a few parts inside about my suspicions about her etc.. she has a freakin tattoo dude.. no way the bitch is worth anything .. from my experience girls with tattoos were always total hookers... i just wish i could find someone better

[Habeas Corpse]

well most important is the biography's conclusion and a few parts inside about my suspicions about her etc.. she has a freakin tattoo dude.. no way the bitch is worth anything .. from my experience girls with tattoos were always total hookers... i just wish i could find someone better

Whoooooooooooaaaa. Lots and Lots of girls have tattoos where I'm from. I really hate tattoos on girls but if I used that as a standard I'd be stuck with Rosey Palms my whole life.

 

Girls with tats come in all different shapes, sizes, personalties, attitutes, moral values, political affiliations, education...etc etc... Don't stereotype her. Judge her by her own behavior, not anyone else's.

[kinesis]

idk what to do about her. i want to move out of this town but this living situation is so nice the rent is cheap, the local food & grocery is great, etc.. Its a small boring town though and I don't know if I will find a better girl.. especially one that dropped the bomb on me like that. but the thought of WHO EXACTLY got that pussy bugs the SH*T out of me.... because it certainly wasnt me.. I WAS NEVER THE CHAMP!!!!!! ever!!! girls always f*cked someone else on me.. I HATE CALIFORNIA!!! I never could bring to the table the pure confidence and game that they wanted. It's very competitive here.

 

if she f*cked the guy i grew up with on my myspace, shes not worth ANYTHING. that guy is a loser felon.

 

if she f*cked a hispanic.. I'm grossed out

 

I JUST DONT KNOW!!!!!!!

[Habeas Corpse]

Not much help I, or anyone here, can be. Society puts restraints on most of us--me including (especially). All depends on your priorities I guess. You can live comfortably in a nice small town with cheap rent or you can sacrifice some living comfort for "access to females". Why do you think people have a love/hate relationship with New York?

[kinesis]

Yeah I think once I finally get a wad and am able to buy a car, I will be more independent and free, opening the door to more people and possibilities. I really hope I Get this site developed. I have a wonderful idea and it's sure to be a hit. I just need to get the site made, hopefully find a developer that will agree to work for a percentage...

[Habeas Corpse]

Regarding your edits. She doesn't sound like she's worth anything but can you tone down your racism. I know you're from a small town and the secret hasn't reached some of you yet--Jesus, in fact, did not choose America to spread Christianity and rape brown people.

[mogul]

I myself live in california(nor cal). I personally love it. The atmosphere, the demographics, especially the weather and women. I think the people here are super chill and diverse. It has nothing to do with the "glizt and glamour" as you say.

 

I went from a high end luxury car (think 7series bimmer) to a regular daily driver due to economy and it has not affected me what so ever in terms of meeting women. Do you go clubbing? Something you should definitely try.

 

Btw.. you seem quite bitter in many aspects. Maybe that attitude is your problem? I know many quality women that have tattoos. They are not "total hookers" as you say and many of my friends and colleagues in professional and corporate jobs have tatts.

[Lucky_One]

No offense, OP, but if I were this girl (well, any girl for that matter), I wouldn't date you. EVER. If you, me and BoredPerson were the last fertile members of the human race, I would have to attempt pregnancy with BoredPerson.

 

You are a racist, bigoted, jerk who is more concerned with how much he is going to get in the sack. You post as if you are bipolar (OMG I love this girl so much ===> she's a bitch because she has a tattoo). Ana paranoid, to boot - like some "international alpha male" is going to take the time to text a loser to boast that he is screwing a woman who was too smart to screw you NINE months ago!!

 

To top if off, you are broke, have no car, and think you are going to get rich because you bought a VALUABLE .COM DOMAIN!! LMAO!!!! And you have the NERVE to talk smack about a young woman who works in a low paying job in a grocery store?

[BlueHarvest]

I'm agreeing with Lucky One on this one. You have no idea how to act decently in society.

 

Your idea of how to get women is going to be about as successful as the 1986 Challenger Flight.

[dreamergrl]

Ha with your attitude OP, you will never be able to ensure you WILL DEFINITELY get the girl. Actually, no one can ever really ensure anything like that, but your chances quickly decline with such an attitude.