creepycatgirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 this is not the life i dreamed. i mean....i have a great husband who works hard and really loves me and our kids but where is that passion i always dreamed of? you know the crzy "lets have sex in wal-mart restroom" (lol) kinda passion....my hubby has been married before so i'm number two. he doesn't really treat me like that, but i feel that way. i took his motherless child to be my own and have had two of our own as well. he's been with a normal amount of woman i guess in the past....but he's my only one. i've never been with anyone but him. i just feel so shortsided....like i don't get to do all the fun exciting stuff.....i want adventure and life and laughter and fun...but we are bored and tired too often. i think i should still be able to have these things and be a mommy too. it doesn't mean we have to run off and leave the kids behind, but there should be adventure wherever you want to make it right? we both have had a very very VERY rocky start coming from such diverse backgrounds.....married almost 4 yrs now.....i feel like we've both come a long way.....i just want that excitment. so badly i even fantisize.....what can i do?
hoping2heal Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 You can talk to him. That's the BEST thing you could do, it's amazing how candid people will be in these msg boards, but NOT with their S.O's (Hey, I speak for myself too, I'm just as guilty of it ) . That said, the best thing you will ever do for your relationship is learn to talk about this with him and open a line of communication up for that. Sit him down, have a heart to heart and find a reasonable expectation and baseline where you can both give a little, and get what you want and work towards that goal of a sexually passionate relationship.
Thornton Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Did you ever have that kind of passion, even when you first met? Some people are nice and kind and all, but you just have no spark with them. If you haven't dated around then it's difficult to know whether you could ever feel differently about anyone else. But if you didn't have that spark in the beginning then it's unlikely you'll ever have it. Your first plan of attack should be to try to spark that passion with your husband... get a babysitter and go on a date, or even stay overnight in a hotel and have hot sex. Talk about yourselves instead of your kids and focus on each other, try to spend some quality time together after the kids have gone to bed, buy each other little surprises and tell each other how much in love you are. Relationships require work, passion isn't just going to appear out of thin air. Oh, and you're not second best by being the second wife... he married the wrong woman and divorced her, then he met you and he's stayed married to you. He probably wishes he met you first anyway, it would have saved him all that heartache. You've given him a happy family, and I guess he didn't have that with his first wife or they wouldn't have divorced... you're hardly second best, so stop beating yourself up!
norajane Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Did you ever have that passion? Like when you were dating? To have passion, you have to make an effort. So does he, but you can get it started. Do you flirt with him? When he leaves for work, do you give him a great kiss and tell him you can't wait until he gets home that night, maybe squeeze his butt a little? Do you send him sexy texts during the day telling him you were just thinking about him...naked? Do you tell him how hot he is? When you're out with the kids in the park, do you whisper sexy things in his ear? When he's in the shower, do you peek in and tell him how hot he is, or jump in with him and lather him up and get him all squeaky clean? When you're having sex, do you tell him what you'd like him to do, what turns you on? If you start doing those things, he'll notice for sure, and he'll start being more sexually expressive and passionate with you, too, because you'll BE that hot, passionate woman he wants to have sex with in the bathroom.
Gamine Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 You might be interested in checking out another thread entitled "Not enough sex in marriage..." where males have shared a similar dynamic. While I, from a woman's perspective, did not agree with everything they shared in terms of the 'obligatory sex' per a marriage vow take on intimate relations between a man and a wife... I did take away from it an understanding on how men and women see things and how they can see things entirely different. I understand what you mean about the lack of passion. In fact, in my contributions to the above referenced thread I point out this very issue. I was accused of being a delusional woman who read too many romance novels and had no idea what 'real life' was. As dismaying as this was, it did open my eyes to how some married men can see sex in the marriage. I was not exactly filled with joy over it either. I don't know how to reignite passion and would love to be the welcome beneficiary of anyone's advice. However, like you, I want passion FOR ME. Burning passion, not 'created' passion from dress up or fantasy stuff... I want what I had with my husband once. We had that passion and it was very hard to watch it go away.
Heroic Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 That kind of passion exists in teenagers with uncontroled hormones, romance novels and TV.
LovieDove24 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 If you have no passion within your own life, it will be impossible to spark any within your marriage. How fulfilled are you as an individual? Do you find joy in hobbies and outside activities? If all of these things are in check, then lets move on to discussing your marriage. Some other posters brought up an important question..."Was there ever any passion to begin with?" If yes, then I suggest you both make a joint effort to re-ignite that passion. Both take up a hobby together. I suggest dancing lessons (where you both can be in close proximity) or both volunteer somewhere. If no, then I'm not quite sure anything can be re-ignited. Sorry.
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