Cora Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I was well over 80 days of NC with my long distance ex who disappeared on me months ago. Out of the blue he contacted me a little over a week ago. I never thought I would ever hear from him again since he disappeared so abruptly and made it near impossible for me to get in touch with him. I was devastated! He contacted me through the dating site we met on. I completly forgot my profile was still posted on that site since I never signed on anymore. Right after we first met he deleted his profile. He recently made a new one and contacted me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I ignored him for a day and did not respond. The next day I deleted my profile. The next day he also sent me a friend request on MySpace and Facebook. I held out for another day until he sent me a message then I caved. I wrote him back saying how much he had hurt me and how I didn't think it was appropriate for me to add him to either MySpace or Facebook since I had just learned him and his fiancee had broken up. I had spoken to his fiancee once before when I first found out about her and that she was the reason he left me. I wrote her telling her everything but she proceeded to be engaged to him. Months go by and all of a sudden he wants to talk to me. I know I should have continued to ignore him because I know deep down he hasn't changed and that he most likely will never change but I was lonely. My love for him had vanished long ago along with my heart he stole and then crushed. I was on the verge of hating him when he contacted me again. But I was so damn lonely and depressed and only wanted someone to talk to and he was there so I caved. We stayed up for almost four hours that first night just talking about everything. About how much he hurt me, about how I was doing and how I had started to date again, about him and his recent break up with his fiancee, about him going back to school etc... We talked about any and everything. I felt completely numb that first night. He was familiar to me but all the love and all the feelings were gone. They just were no longer there. I suppose all the pain he had caused me with all the lies and the cheating extinguished all the love I had ever felt for him. We talked some more the next night. I was about to go on a week long vacation the very next day and he asked if he could have my number so he could text me. Yes I am a fool.....I gave him my number. He kept saying how he wanted to make it up to me and kept apologizing for what he had done to me. He said he knows he hurt me badly and he feels like an idiot. Nothing I haven't heard before but I continued to talk to him. I knew good and well the only reason he contacted me was because he had just broken up and was lonely. I was lonely too so I gave in. I know I have pretty pathetic excuses. We became really good friends before falling in love and I missed his friendship. He said he would text me everyday that I was away on vacation if that was okay with me. I said it was fine. He kept his word too. He text me every single day, sometimes multiple times a day saying the sweetest things. He always had a way with words....a real smooth talker so I knew I had to be careful. His ex fiancee found out we were talking and she contacted me. She made the statement "well I guess he left me for you." She was really hurt and I wrote her back saying we were just friends and that I could never love him again. The truth is at this point I'm scared because I am starting to fall for him again and I know it's no good! I'm only going to get hurt again. His ex fiancee and I continued to keep in touch for the next few days. She told me her version of why he left her and what all he did and what it was like living with him for a year etc.. I was so shocked. She told me a lot of things I did not know about him and I told her a lot of things she did not know as well. We both learned a lot. She is hurting so badly and I really feel for her. He of course tells a very different story and wasn't happy that she contacted me. He told me I can't believe every word she says well I know for a fact I certainly can't believe a word he says. He tells me he has changed and is trying to do better but I have no proof of that. His ex fiancee told me she is so glad we met and that she has someone like me to vent to who understands and who knows him and what he is capable of. We have a lot in common and have really become friends. In the meantime he tells me he wants to take things slow and see what could happen between us. I tell him I don't know. I feel stuck because I am getting closer to his ex fiancee and falling for him again. She does not know that I'm still talking to him and he does not know that I'm still talking to her. I still want more than anything to remain his friend but I'm so afraid of falling more for him and getting hurt. I know that is his intentions because he made the statement "I would like more than anything to at least be your friend with the hopes of something more in the future." I know I'm playing with fire here. I feel like such a coward for breaking down and talking to him. I have been an emotional wreck all week. Whatever happens I'm just glad I was able to meet his ex and become friends with her. She wants to continue to keep in touch and I agreed. My heart isn't fully into him again yet because I wont allow that to happen. I know what he is capable of and I can't help but be cautious. I can't be fully happy with him for fear. I just don't know anymore. I'm happy we are talking again but I'm so so scared!! How did I get myself in the middle of this? I really screwed up this time....sigh.
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I know deep down he hasn't changed and that he most likely will never change but I was lonely Just wanted to boil it down for you
Author Cora Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Just wanted to boil it down for you It's funny how it takes someone else to point out to you what you already knew. Thanks!
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Don't run off now. I'm not through with you yet The key part here is the "lonely" part. I know this part well, having gone from being married 9 years to living in mostly empty house. It plays tricks on your mind. I find that staying connected to supportive friends (I don't have any family anymore) really helps, as does keeping my hands and mind occupied. IMO, the more fulfilled your everyday life is and the more passion you have for living, the less importance a former love interest/spouse can take on. Eventually, you see the loneliness not as missing them, but a space within yourself which you can fill up. Since weekends are often the worst, for example, tomorrow I'll be finishing painting at my mom's house, then heading back to the beach to do so more work on a friend's beach house (we're remodeling a bathroom). Stay busy enough with your close friends and nary a thought of another person or loneliness creeps in. Great therapy
Author Cora Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Don't run off now. I'm not through with you yet The key part here is the "lonely" part. I know this part well, having gone from being married 9 years to living in mostly empty house. It plays tricks on your mind. I find that staying connected to supportive friends (I don't have any family anymore) really helps, as does keeping my hands and mind occupied. IMO, the more fulfilled your everyday life is and the more passion you have for living, the less importance a former love interest/spouse can take on. Eventually, you see the loneliness not as missing them, but a space within yourself which you can fill up. Since weekends are often the worst, for example, tomorrow I'll be finishing painting at my mom's house, then heading back to the beach to do so more work on a friend's beach house (we're remodeling a bathroom). Stay busy enough with your close friends and nary a thought of another person or loneliness creeps in. Great therapy haha thanks! You always give the greatest advice. Now I just gotta find more things to occupy my time.
No Foolin Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Facebook and Myspace have this little "delete" feature that one can utilize to get rid of unwanted people...... I refer to this feature as the "social network management button" The neat thing about life is this: until something puts you "graveyard dead" you have plenty of opportunities to start over. No Foolin
Recommended Posts