The why behind a really great guy with a scumbag friend

[hummingbird]

hi

any words of advice on this one..... this is brand new for me; never been involved with a man (only two serious R in my life --ex-husband and past R) and have never known any of their friends to be people I hate, despise, resent .....and best part is, I haven't even met this friend and don't want to either!!

 

My sweetie for almost a year is a truly wonderful, genuine, honest and all around good guy ( yeah for me...finally found one) anyway, the first date we had he told me about this "friend" James who worked for him part time (my SO owns his own business) and how he lied about everything to his now present wife when they were dating.. As time goes by, other things he shared about him;

~he is now on disability for a back injury...

sooooooooooo.... doesn't work but does for my SO part time

~wanted to hook up with prostitutes with my SO the week he was to marry ( my guy said NOOOOOOOOOO.... think about the future bride)

~wanted to sell his percocets (back pain) on the street.. with .some teen he knows to make some money

~wants his earnings paid under the table so he could skimp out on his child support payment (my sweetie won't do it)

~he is an ex-con( I am understanding that ex-cons can return to life with positive changes but this guy seems NOT to be doing any of those.)

~his now adult but then underage daughter is in jail for DUI with a severe MVA with another car and people

and that is just some of the things he has shared.

I think there is much more.....

This dude always calls him --even on weekends (our only time together as we live 2 hr apart) as if he can't go a day without talking to my SO..

he and now his wife seem very interested in getting involved in my SOs business...( I think it is self serving and only for their benefit.... no regard for 20 hard years of work put into developing his business)

 

anyway--i haven't met the guy yet... as he lives about 1 hr away from my SO and I basically told my SO about a month ago...I did not wish to meet him or socialize with James and his wife....I found that who he is and what his behavours are were clearly signs of someone without any moral or ethical integrity. I didn' t wish to offend my sweetie but I just didn't want to be in a situation to have to sit at a dinner with this guy and be false. My SO seemd to understand and not take offense.

 

As time goes on, I find myself, truly hating James... when he calls and we are together I become resentful and I find myself getting really off-turned by the invovlment my SO has with James... is he blind???

 

I finally asked him one day why he associated with some one sooo, well, ugh not like him...he is NOT descent, respectful, honest etc...

and he told me that once a friend of his; a pastor ( he is not church going) said that if you only associate with good people, you will never know how to be helpful to others not like that...or something like that.

and he said that he tries to be a better example to him; that James is that way because he grew up thinking those things were ok.

 

(I don't believe that.... he is an adult with growing kids from a previous marriage) is now married again to a wealthy woman who isn't working and certainly should have figured out the basics of right and wrong...morals, ethics, integrity...... the right stuff by now

 

So.... I still don't get it.... and worse part is ---i AM AFRAID this resentment I have --this building hatred, and this disdain for this guy and evetentually his wife and their ambitions toward my SO will truly cause some difficulties. I have chosen NOT to involve myself with James and his wife, but I certainly can't make my SO stop... but I would rather not hear about, be around his phone calls, know their activities...

could this even become a "its' either me or them???" kind of thing..I just don't eve see myself wanting to even attempt any kind of socializing but that certainly puts my SO in a situation to have to always excuse me....

but I just can't stomach the thought ..... do I even try for the sake of my

SO? it woud not likely be a positive outcome.... I am fairly transparent

...

I even got a bit grossed out when my SO told me he showed them photos of us on the beach on our long weekend ..... It was such a turn off to think that guy was looking a pic of us in shorts and bikini.

 

I have even found myself thinking that the time he spends with, talking to and around James and his wife is likely to be signficantly more that he does with me and I resent that as well....

sort of like, here I am ,,,, a hard working, try to be good, respectful and responsible member of community, work, family and try to be a great mom and friend and lover.....and that jerk gets more time and attention than me.

 

hmmmm..... I have never thought or felt this about any of my exs friends.... ever.... in fact we all had great R in that regard...

 

what am I to do? I still can't sort out why my SO... really has anything to do with him..

I know James has not influenced him .... my SO is strong of will and conscience.... but sheesh...??????????????????????????????????????