muhlissah Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 But how is not my fault? My husband is unhappy and rather than telling me so we could work on it he cheated. He told me the issues which is that I'm controlling, mean, and condescending. He basically said I'd have to change my whole personality for him to stay. He's always bringing up stuff that I do wrong that made him unhappy so how is it not my fault?? If I would have been nicer he would have stayed. What I really don't get is he says I'm the same person I was 3 years ago when we started dating, so why was he happy with me then, but not now??He has left me so confused and feeling like a failure. I feel like I can never be with another man because I will have nothing to offer. I feel like I will never be able to make anyone happy. This is my second failed marriage, the second time I've been cheated on. Am I really that bad of a person??? What did I do to deserve to be cheated on twice???
Cinnamon777 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 If he had communicated with you regarding his unhappiness, you would have been able to try and change some of your behavior. Instead, he decided to cheat. This is no way to be in a relationship. It's not your fault he chose to cheat instead of dealing with the situation with you. Of course he left you feeling like a failure. Was he supposed to take responsibility and admit he failed? He failed to love you. He failed to respect you. He failed to be honest. To justify his actions, he needed to turn the situation around to make it all seem like your fault. While it does take two people to make things work, one can easily destroy it all. It doesn't seem like he is great for you. Is he willing to go to counseling with you? There is much to overcome it would seem, and if he is gone then I would cut your losses and let it all go. If this is the second time you have been through this then you may want to consider counseling so that you will not choose another partner to repeat history. You can be much happier... and... it's not all your fault!
amaysngrace Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Everyone keeps saying it's not your fault except for one person. And that person is a cheater. And a liar it would seem.
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 You can get off of this "pity party" right here and right now! God saw fit to make you right for this life, you can see fit to live it! There's a a lot of good people out here that give a damn about you, I know! I'm one of them! I wouldn't even know you if you slapped me in the face at WalMart! I did twenty damn years in the Marine Corps so you could live a free life, a life of freedom, a life of choice! Your freedom! Your happiness! Your contentment in life! For you, your children, and grandchildren? PAID IN FULL! Your part of the 'Bill'? Live life to its top! To its fullest! For all its worth! Love Life for Life! Live every second of it! Cherish your freedom! Get yourself busy living your LIFE! Get busy living or get busy dying! Just that plain! Just that simple!
CaliGuy Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Dammit Gunny. If I wasn't a Fomer Marine and dude, I'd kiss ya Great advice as always!
hopesndreams Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 But how is not my fault? My husband is unhappy and rather than telling me so we could work on it he cheated. He told me the issues which is that I'm controlling, mean, and condescending. He basically said I'd have to change my whole personality for him to stay. He's always bringing up stuff that I do wrong that made him unhappy so how is it not my fault?? If I would have been nicer he would have stayed. What I really don't get is he says I'm the same person I was 3 years ago when we started dating, so why was he happy with me then, but not now??He has left me so confused and feeling like a failure. I feel like I can never be with another man because I will have nothing to offer. I feel like I will never be able to make anyone happy. This is my second failed marriage, the second time I've been cheated on. Am I really that bad of a person??? What did I do to deserve to be cheated on twice??? Has he taken any accountability for his actions? Most likely not, they want to feel guiltless, makes it so much easier for them. Don't fall for it. We all play a part in the demise but if there is no communication and you can't read his mind, then there is not a snowballs chance in hell. It's despicable that he is pointing the finger at you and you get to feel like crap while he swans off into the arms of another woman. (a fellow cheat) He's a coward. A deserter. Please don't put the blame on your shoulders. If you haven't stopped communication with him yet, do so now. Keep things just about the child only. Is there a chance to repair the damage? Are you willing to forgive the betrayal? You are in such great pain right now and you need a chance to clear your head. Do you have family to lean on at this time? All betrayed spouses take a real sh*t kicking to their self esteem and feel like failures. That's all part of our M.O. It can be overcome, you've done it before. Concentrate on you, love yourself more than your H.
Author muhlissah Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 I tried even after the affair to get him to stay. I wanted us to work through it and get past it but he said he's done, there is no fixing it. I haven't asked him to come home in over a week. He has said more than once that this is his fault and he screwed up but two minutes later I'll say something and he will say "yet another reason I can't be with you." He says he's reminded every day why he can't be with me. I've tried to get him to go to counseling but he says his heart won't be in it so it won't do any good. So that's that. I've quit asking. Its done and its over. I try to listen to everyone when they say its not my fault. I did every thing I could to try to make it work. Any time he told me something that bothered him about me I'd start working on fixing it. I tried to get him to go to counseling. I even started doing the love dare from the move Fireproof. I worked my butt off to make him happy and it got me no where. It was just never enough. I do plan on going to counseling I'm so screwed up right now I have to go.
hoping2heal Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It takes two to make a relationship and two to break one. 1 partner doing 100 percent of the things right 100 percent of the time STILL will not make up for the 50 percent the other partner is NOT doing. You tried to take on your relationship singlehandedly, falsely believing that if you were devoted enough, if you tried hard enough to change your hindrances, and if you made things a heaven for him it would mean your relationship would prosper. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and you're just learning that now. On the positive side, you had a partner who you gave your all too and was not willing to do the same, and to add to it he in fact dropped all the responsibility of the relationship soley on YOU , AGAIN when he blamed you for the thing failing. Sweetie, it may not feel like it now, but one day when you have a man that works WITH you, and cherishes and loves you; you're going to look back on this and a huge sigh of relief will pass over you. Maybe you haven't ever witnessed, observed, or learned about a healthy relationship (hey I'm new at it too!) so you're not aware of what good things you deserve, and what some man has the potential to give you and offer to you. Once you go to counselling and begin to learn the benefits of a LOVING and balanced relationship, you'll start to see very clearly what a blessing it is to have this man out of your life.
dgiirl Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Your situation sounds SOOO much like my situation 4 years ago, with my exh. He freely placed ALL the blame on ME and my personality. Some of his issues were true, most of them were complete and utter bull****. His decision to cheat is NOT your fault. His decision to check out of the marriage is NOT your fault. His decision to not be honest with you and tell you his issues is NOT your fault. Are you perfect? Nope! None of us are. Can you learn from this relationship? Most definitely! Search your heart, search your soul. Evaluate the complaints he and your previous partner had about you. Check them against your family and friends opinion on you. Be completely honest with yourself and ask yourself if there are any truths to those statements, and if there are, do YOU want to change them? Work on the ones YOU want. The ones you think will make YOU a better person. Then throw out all the false's out the fricken window. Dont ever let ANYONE tell you who you are! People have their perceptions about us. Some of them are true. Some of them are not. Most of the falses ones tell us what kind of person THEY are as opposed to who we are. Dont ever let someone's false perceptions define who you are. And STOP repeating his speal in your head. That was more for HIS conscious to make him feel better about leaving. HE needed to hear those things to justify his leaving. If you weren't this "evil controlling person", how else could he live with himself after cheating on you and then abandoning you?
Montclair0011 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Oh, this sounds so much like my doomed marriage I'm having flashbacks. Make sure you go to the therapist, and hopefully a good one. You have serious self-esteem, post-traumatic stress, abuse issues, you name it. You are in a crisis and you need help (and probably a vacation too, but no rest for the weary). No it is not your fault. Do you believe an alcoholic when they say they drink because their spouse does not act the way they think they should? Cheaters are the same way. Don't fall for it and don't start trying to work overtime to start acting whatever which way he decides you are supposed be acting at that specific moment and changed on the next day. It's all a lie. The real problem is that they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. As mentioned you might, in fact, have some problems that could use improvement. Take these to the therapist to begin examining your life in perceptive detail. But, don't obsess about it now and try not to beat up on yourself too much for being human. You need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you don't have to much support from other people. There's been lots of great advice given in this thread so print it out and put it under your pillow to read everytime you start crying. You will get through this step-by-step.
Author muhlissah Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Thank you all for your advice! My head is just so every where I don't know what to think. I don't know whats what anymore. One minute I feel ok the next I don't. I keep trying to tell myself that its not my fault but its hard. We talked the other night and he kept trying to tell me its all his fault and its not my fault. He said its that how I am is wrong its about him not being able to tolerate certain things. What I don't get is why he stayed as long as he did. He told me he spent most of our relationship aggitated. He pretty much knew early on that he wasn't happy yet he spent 3 years of his life with me, married me, and had a baby with me that we planned. Why would someone do that?!
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