smarterthanbefore Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 A friend of mine came to me with a probem. Her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years have been researching certain porn stars on the net ( Janet Jacme and such) and is watching everything they are in. He is also looking at porn EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm talking Monday -Sunday. The only time he doesn't is if they are out all day, and then he may wait till she go to sleep to do so. Most nights he goes to bed when she go or within 10 minutes of her going. Her boyfriend is 24 years old and she is 30. She do not have a problem with him looking at porn, she looks herself, but her problem is him looking up the porn stars and the amount he looks at. He is in school and work on weekends, while she is at work, he is home doing porn and porn research. She is not insecure, the porn do not make her feel bad about herself. She is only concerned that he may be becoming a porn addict and want to help him. This is driving her crazy. They discussed him researching porn stars before, and she has told him that she feels this is going to far and is a little weird. He stated that he understood and he stopped for a while, but now he is doing it again. He stated he do it because he is bored at home while she is gone, but couldn't he find something else to do? Again she is not oppose to porn or feel it is cheating, she is just concerned with how much he watch and the fact that he is researching these porn stars and looking up everything they are in. She also does not snoop, she doesn't believe in that, they share a computer and she found it by accident. She stated that their sex life is fine and he do not act different, but this concerns her as she do not want to date a porn addict. She understand he is young and he will look at porn, but researching the porn stars she feel is crossing the line. Plus they already discussed this. Is she overeacting or is she justified for being pissed. She is trying to calm down so she can talk to him about this rationally. She just want to make sure she is not reading to much into it. Again she do not feel like he is cheating on her, just that he may be developing a problem. She is only mad because they have already talked about this and he is doing it again. Please advise. By the way, he does not hide it from her, she has all e-mail account passwords and such, as well as all his porn site login passwords. No locks on the computers.
westernxer Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Researching porn stars? I just cracked a couple ribs from laughing too hard.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Researching porn stars? I just cracked a couple ribs from laughing too hard. Sounds strangely self-serving to me also but maybe we should let the OP clarify. Smarterthanbefore, what exactly do you mean by "researching porn stars"? Mr. Lucky
Spark1111 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 "Researching porn stars" sounds like the excuse he is using to view it daily. If you realize your behavior is starting to become excessive and interfering with your life, you are crossing over into addiction. Beginning to make excuses to justify your activity/addiction, like claiming to be doing "internet research" is the equivalent of the alcoholic stating "I only had two beers." It is stage two of an addiction. Yes, I think even he realizes he is becoming addicted. In and of itself, the occasional viewing of porn is harmless. But studies show that addictive viewing desensitizes one to normal,loving responses needed by one's partner to have a healthy, emotionally connected physical relationship. And, as Dr. Phil says, "If you wouldn't do it, say it, or look at it with your SO standing right beside you, it's wrong." So anything done in secrecy and away from the eyes of your partner, erodes intimacy. And secrecy fuels addictions, IMHO.
Gamine Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 To me, it sounds as if he is forming a specific 'attachment' to particular women and/or woman in which case it is not 'porn' in general, but a particular woman engaging in sexual activity. The attachment is the thing. Make no mistake, porn has a way of wrapping its slimy tentacles around the brain of a man leaving him sexually dysfunctional. She has a reason to be upset and yes, I believe this guy may have a sex addiction fueled and/or created by porn. It ruins men.
Author smarterthanbefore Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 To Mr. Lucky, I mean he goes to google and put in the porn stars name, and research everything she is in, read her bio and downloads all this stuff to his favourites, My friend has come home and found written names of porn stars all her computer area on scrap paper, as well as porn sites. It like all he do all day when he comes home is look up porn. His excuse is that he plays his game ( video games) and gets bored and look at some porn for a while then go back to the game, but I think this is excessive and creepy. They talked about it the other night, and he claims he will stop. He admitted that everyday is a bit too much and he would tone it down and stop the porn star research. She told him that he must have self-control, she would not make him give up porn, but if she finds out he is looking up porn stars again and looking at it everyday, she can't promise she will stick around. She told him that she feels he is in the beginning stages of becoming a porn addict. Of course he stated he is not, but that he will slow down for her. He watches anal sex porn the most (male with female). She stated that he wants to try this, but she does not. He don't pressure her for this, instead he just watches it on porn all day long. She told him a long time ago that she was willing to at least try this, but he declined, stating he didn't want to hurt her. He researched the complications of anal sex, and it scared him, don't want to hurt her in any way, but he is still intrigued by it. She is afraid he will build anal sex up in his mind so much, that he will either feel their sex life is bad without it, or give himself an obsession with it and go looking to get it some other way. He claims he will not. By the way, I don't butt in their relationship, have my own to take care of , but she came to me crying. Most people on this site are very smart and give great advise, which is why I am asking for her. She is here and reading the responses. Thank you so much for your help.
Enema Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I've got favourites too and try to find all of their movies. Sounds pretty normal and I wouldn't be worried as long as their sex life is fine.
Recommended Posts