MsToad Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hi, I am new here but have been reading a lot of the posts and am really impressed with all the good advise and support you give each other. I, like so many of you, am in a great deal of pain due to the implosion of my marriage. I have been married for about 5 1/2 years, but been together for almost 8. We have been separated on and off for the last year and a half. I think I have seen my H about 3 times since Jan. I am in a constant state of limbo and pain since neither my H or I have been able to actually file for a divorce. Our relationship has always had its share of arguments, and the last 3 years of our marriage has been pretty miserable. Neither of us have cheated on each other, but the things we have said to each other during arguments have been so abusive that I wonder if there is anyway to save this. I have been trying to work on things to repair the marraige; going to counseling, getting him to go to counseling with me, apologize for everything under the sun, give him his space, etc..., but none of it has helped. It is almost like he doesn't want to or can't recognize any positive changes I make and we never focus on what he has done to contribute to our dimise. Because I am much more open and transparent, it has become all about what I have done wrong. I waited until I was in my early thirties to get married because I really wanted it to be for life. Honestly, I'm not sure how much of me wants to avoid divorce because I want him in my life versus I just don't want to go through a divorce and be alone. My H has been so abusive for the last 3 years (verbally and emotionally) that I don't even think I like him anymore. So why can't I just put a bullet in it and move on??? I know from having a lot of guy friends over the years that the more I look like I want him back the more he is going to be turned off by it. It makes me sick too to think that I willing to let someone treat me the way he does. I know the abuse I have been through has all but killed my self-esteem and I now pretty much believe that I am all the horrible things he says I am. We don't have any children and the sad part is, now that I am in my late thirties I probably have wasted my chance of ever being a mother. It truly does suck to be a woman. So, I am still sitting here "separated" and although I have gotten him off my credit cards, the lease, etc..., I haven't really moved forward. I can't believe that I still spend entire days crying when he hasn't even lived here for the last 5 months. When does it start to get any easier? How do you make yourself end it when your H continues to say he doesn't know whether he wants it over or not? I would find hope in his words but that's all they are...words. His actions say something completely different. He constantly handles me and our marriage recklessly, as if he doesn't really mind if it were to just end. I wish I had never gotten married in the first place sorry for the long post.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 You don't need to have regrets, you just need to move on. You seem to be focusing on missing him when all he did was treat you like crap. His actions certainly do speak much louder than his words. He is not coming back, he is just stringing you along. I would start with a list of the things you will NOT miss. Emotional abuse. Verbal abuse. Being in limbo. I'm sure you can make a more complete list than I. You need to start loving yourself. I have found counseling to be incredibly helpful in building my confidence and resolving my need to count on others for my own happiness. It has to start with yourself. Look in the mirror. See the wonderful, amazing, smart, and beautiful person looking back at you. You deserve to be loved and to love yourself. You can be happy again... You have been working to make changes to save your marriage, but you should be making changes to save yourself. You can be and have everything you desire... but you have to be willing to let go of the chains holding you down. Reach high... let go... be free!
Author MsToad Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Thank you so much Cinnamon. You have no idea how helpful your post is. I was just sitting here thinking about how maybe I am doing the wrong thing by closing the door on this relationship (boredom and fear motivated most likely) when I saw your response. I know you're right. It is funny that you mentioned making a list of things that I will not miss because my counselor recently asked me what I missed about him and I didn't have an answer. The only one I could come up with was someone to talk to, but honestly I couldn't really talk to him. I know I have a HUGE fear of rejection and being alone and deep down I know that is one of the biggest reasons I haven't moved on. I do love him but I know he is not good for me. When he was here I was just as alone if not more so than I am now. I guess that is why I just don't get what my problem is! Why is it so hard to move on when I know that I am no worse off and will eventually be better off?! I deeply appreciate being able to come here and be so open and, ...ahem, pathetic-sounding. I feel like I could make it through this if I had support but unfortunately at this point in my life I really don't. Thank you again!
Gunny376 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It gets better the day you say it does! Its a decision! Its a choice! It comes the day when your not defined by a woman! It comes the day when your not defined by a man! It comes the day when you define yourself! It comes the day when you when you don't need a man or woman or man to complete yourself! It comes when the day comes when you realize you want somemone in your life, ~ not need them! It comes when your life is perfect and you allow someone in your life! Because they're the right one in your life!
flymetothemoon Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Hello Ms Toad, I hope you can read my post here, because I hope that we can stay in touch. Your story is very similar to mine. We have been together for 6, married for 4, separating for the similar reasons. Even though I have moved out, I just burst into years from time to time, knowing that leaving him is the best decision for me. Let's face life and move on. I know it's very painful and it's not easy. Please let me know how you are doing these days? I'm so glad that at least we can relate to each other and don't feel alone in this world.
Author MsToad Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Hi Flymetothemoon, I had written this long response to you and pressed the backspace key (made a typo) and lost my entire post. That's kind of lame. What I was writing was that I am really glad you replied and I would be so happy to be and get support during this awful time. I actually blew it again today. I left the H a voice message about our taxes, but of course I had a hidden agenda of wanting to talk to him. I always hate myself after I do something like that. And as usual he is ignoring my message. About three years ago he started to ignore me occasionally (voice msg, email, or something like that) and during this past year I cannot even begin to count how many heart-felt emails and messages I have left him that he has never even acknowledged. The ignoring, more than any of the other abusive things he does, has destroyed my self worth. I just started to feel worthless when I would take the time and the emotions to write an email telling him how much I loved him and how I would work on this or that and then never even know if he bothered to read it. Ugh, makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Gunny, you are so right. I know I HAVE to get to a place where I no longer "need" someone in my life. It sure is hard when you don't really have anyone else, no friends (almost all of my friends have moved away), and no family. It's a vicious circle right now....I feel horrible so I don't really get out and do things, staying islolated makes me feel horrible which in turns makes me depressed and feel like doing nothing. I hope you are feeling good today Flymetothemoon. How long has it been since you moved out? Thank you again (Gunny and Flymetothemoon) for the support. I definitely appreciate it!
Gunny376 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Enough already! Dump this @zzhat and get your happy self busy living your Life! You've just entered the "No Pity Party Zone" when it comes to me! You want children~ adopt them ~ become a foster parent! There's plenty of children out there that need a hug, and good loving Mom! You want friends? Get out there and make them ~ they're not going to come knocking on your door you know! You want your life to be different from what it is? Take action! Life isn't a script you act ~ its a script that you write! Your not here to just live a life ~ but to LIVE YOUR LIFE! @zzhat isn't the one that's responsible for your life, your joy, your happiness! That's all on you! That's all about you! Your the one responsible for your happiness and joy in life! Not someone else! Its sure as Hell not my job, and it sure as Hell isn't his! Its your job! People come and people go! There's not one monkey that makes a show! You want piece of mind? Contentment in your life? Then choose it! Choose to have piece of mind and contentment! Choose to have joy and happiness in your life ~ and if that means telling @zzhat to hit the road? So be it! If that's what it takes? So be it! Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be! I made my mind up to be happy and content ~ years ago!
flymetothemoon Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Hello MsToad, I am doing OK today, because I need to be busy studying. I spend too much time wasting on distracting myself from negative emotions, and life doesn't wait for us. I moved out for a week or two after we have been separated at home for a few months. I find the best way to totally distract myself is to get involved in doing something, such as talking to friends, keeping a diary, or go out and do something. Same here, I don't have any family here. I know it's very hard for you right now, and my friends who haven't experienced divorce might not very well relate to us. But I am telling you, there are people out there care about us. Search for a non-profit organization and join it. Do something that you always want to do! Look at the bright side. I know the future without him is going to be better for us. Stopping any long-term relationships is hard, but time will heal our hearts.
flymetothemoon Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Ms Toad, It's OK to take sometime to grieve. We are all humans, and we all have emotions, because we all have unique experiences in our life. Some people recover faster, and some people take longer to recover. I totally understand in your situation that your H used to be the only spirit source in your life that you talked to everyday, but you know that was not a healthy relationship. It's wise that you get out. And it will be wise that you totally disconnect from him. Once you make a decision, just don't go back. Going back is not going to do you any good. People like him will only drain you emotionally. You don't want that kind of life everyday. You want to live a happy life, right? I don't know what you do in life, but being independent, and knowing what you want and how to get it is very satisfying. Be brave. Life gets better everyday. Having no kids is better than having kids and live miserably with a people that you don't like. When you feel sad, think about the happy moments that you will have in a few years without him. When you feel sad, go out and enjoy the nature. When you feel sad, volunteer and do some community service. Helping others will make you happy. Please let me know how you are doing these days. I watched TV, talking with friends on the phone for a long time yesterday. Today I am going to study a lot. Keep your chin up. Take a deep breath, and smile.
Recommended Posts