Dealing with ex problems

[Obsolete]

Later this summer I am moving and getting an apartment with a really good friend. Her name is Nicky. Right now, she is having major problems with an ex. I'm going to visit her in about 3 weeks over her birthday. The problem is with her ex boyfriend, Paul.

 

Paul is a charming guy, sweet, caring and supportive, until things get rough. At which point he gets distant, eventually snapping and taking it out on Nicky. Yelling, blaming her for problems, and doing things that are overall, screwed up. In all honesty, I imagine that in an inebriated state he might even take a swing. But this is fairly rare. A couple times a month. Afterwords he feels terrible and he tries to make it up, becoming Mr. Perfect again. He is the perfect guy, except under stress. He also looks exactly like how Nicky always imagined her "prince charming" to look like. Basically her knees get weak and she gets a bit hot whenever she's around him. She knows that "love" is not magic, but instead just hormones. She knows that he is not a reliable guy, nor does he have the attributes of a good, or even passable boyfriend-much less husband (she doesn't want somebody to date, she wants an eventual husband) but unfortunately logic doesn't trump hormones. Continuing though, when they were dating after a little while he started talking about a "soft breakup" during a period of time when he would be close to his ex girlfriend. It was all but said that he wanted to be able to bang his ex without feeling guilty. After one outburst in March he broke up with Nicky. He then proceeded to destroy their shared guild bank in World of Warcraft (a game they play together, basically for the game its a shared bank, he emptied it without explanation-basically he betrayed her trust and destroyed something they both worked together on) then he blamed her for it, then the next day he said that he broke up with her because he needed to focus on college finals. Problem is though, he was still playing World of Warcraft in a very dediated manner. So basically College>a video game>her. Later he said he wanted to "re-examine his priorities to see if she was the right girl for him when he visited in the summer." I managed to get Nicky to realize that Paul doesn't want to commit, at all. That he has no intentions of settling down with her. She basically told Paul off. She still loves him though, openly admits it, and keeps close contact with him. She still hopes to get back together with him. And Paul, as charming as he is, gave her exactly what she was dreaming for. He told her that after college and after he got his partying done, he wanted to settle down with her, he told her he loved her and she was the first girl he ever wanted to be serious with, but right now he wanted to get "his partying done". He's been in college 2 years and has 2 left. Nicky knows, logically, that Paul isn't a good boyfriend. She knows it. But she can't accept it. In a couple weeks I'm going down to visit. The following week he is coming down to visit. And I know that they will end up having sex. Nicky still "loves" him and wants to believe that he will actually change 180 degrees magically once he gets his degree. Once they have sex, she will be putty again. Hormones rekindled. What can I do to help her accept that while a great guy, Paul is a horrible significant other? I don't want her to waste the next two years of her life only to have him end up getting too stressed and hitting her, or even worse continuing to emotionally abuse her for years following. Assuming he would even actually wait that long (which I personally doubt). Logically she realizes she needs to get over him, give up on him, and try and move on. But that doesn't change the fact that her knees go weak whenever she thinks about him. How can I help her get over him?

[Saxis]

All I can imagine is a guy getting drunk while playing WoW, alone in his underwear, and I'm wondering how he constitutes that as "getting his partying done"?

 

If she's THAT resilient to his arsehattedness, maybe this is a lesson she needs to learn on her own.

[paddington bear]

Sigh...see my recent post about a close friend of mine being manipulated by someone else and the response with the category of the victim, aggressor and rescuer.

 

In this instance, I think, you can't make her fall out of love with him. She has to see it for herself. You've pointed out all the reasons that this guy is bad for her, but she can't see it, she's clinging onto the post-college hope because he's filled her full of s**t about how when he's got all the partying out of his system, well then finally, but there will be no happy ending for her, I don't think she'll get her prince charming.

 

After college it will be work, female colleagues, have to bond with them, you know, I'm still young, too young to settle down, (which he probably is, but that's besides the point), you don't put someone you love on hold unless both parties think 'damn, we met each other at too young an age, let's go and live a little and if we still feel the same for each other in a few years after sowing our wild oats, well then let's go for it together', but this is him imposing his wishes on her, and her going along with it.

 

Yes, she's going to sleep with him, yes that will rekindle everything for her, but I think what you're not realising here is that Paul will most likely not suddenly decide that she's the one for him after his partying is done. At some point your friend will get tired of hanging around waiting for him, at some point the penny will drop that actually things aren't going to turn out the way she wants, that she's been hanging on in there, being used for convenient sex and an ego boost and might actually come to her senses.

 

I think until then, prior to his visit to her, simply say, you know how I feel about him, I'm worried about his temper and that he might get violent with you at some point in the future, I've said everything I'm going to say. It's your choice as to what you want to do, I won't say anything else, but I'm always here for you not matter what. That sort of thing. And then simply step back and watch the whole thing implode and be quietly happy when it does while comforting your friend.

[Obsolete]

In all fairness I do have some more at stake here other than a friend. After the breakup I spent weeks trying to help her get over him, and (before he came back with his promises of everything she wanted) she said she would be willing to try dating me. Now, even now she is willing to do so since its going to be 2 years. They agreed to see other people and such. Now, I should note that honestly Nicky isn't a dumb broad-she is actually one of the most intelligent people I have ever known, but as anybody who has ever been in love can say, love is a chemical addiction and it addles your brain as well as crack it seems. But honestly I don't believe he will hang on for 2 years. I think he will bore of her, and leave. And even if he doesn't, Nicky is sufficiently down to earth that she will dump him after a while. I just don't want her to have to deal with loosing two years of her life to a pipe dream. I'm generally a fan of the "learn from your own mistakes" school of learning, but 2 years is a bit rough.

 

But as I noted, I don't consider Paul to be a direct threat to me. I just don't want her to have to bite the dust.

[Obsolete]

Any advice here on how I can improve the situation?

[You'reasian]

I imagine that in an inebriated state he might even take a swing. ?

 

Imagine? Does Paul have a police record of physical abuse in relationships?

 

After one outburst in March he broke up with Nicky. He then proceeded to destroy their shared guild bank in World of Warcraft (a game they play together, basically for the game its a shared bank, he emptied it without explanation-basically he betrayed her trust and destroyed something they both worked together on) then he blamed her for it, then the next day he said that he broke up with her because he needed to focus on college finals. Problem is though, he was still playing World of Warcraft in a very dediated manner.

 

What kind of currency is used in the Wow game? Is it actual cash?

 

What can I do to help her accept that while a great guy, Paul is a horrible significant other? .

 

Great guy? You're contradicting yourself. You said that Paul is the kind of guy you "imagine" would take a swing at his girlfriend when drunk - but we don't know if he's ever had any kind of police record of doing such?

 

Just the facts, ma'am.

 

I don't want her to waste the next two years of her life only to have him end up getting too stressed and hitting her, or even worse continuing to emotionally abuse her for years following. Assuming he would even actually wait that long (which I personally doubt). Logically she realizes she needs to get over him, give up on him, and try and move on. But that doesn't change the fact that her knees go weak whenever she thinks about him. How can I help her get over him?

 

From your close time spent with Paul, how does he manage his stress? What things does he do to de-stress?

[You'reasian]

In all fairness I do have some more at stake here other than a friend. After the breakup I spent weeks trying to help her get over him, and (before he came back with his promises of everything she wanted) she said she would be willing to try dating me. Now, even now she is willing to do so since its going to be 2 years. They agreed to see other people and such. Now, I should note that honestly Nicky isn't a dumb broad-she is actually one of the most intelligent people I have ever known, but as anybody who has ever been in love can say, love is a chemical addiction and it addles your brain as well as crack it seems. But honestly I don't believe he will hang on for 2 years. I think he will bore of her, and leave. And even if he doesn't, Nicky is sufficiently down to earth that she will dump him after a while. I just don't want her to have to deal with loosing two years of her life to a pipe dream. I'm generally a fan of the "learn from your own mistakes" school of learning, but 2 years is a bit rough.

 

But as I noted, I don't consider Paul to be a direct threat to me. I just don't want her to have to bite the dust.

 

Sounds like you are trying to C-block Paul and get Nicky to date you?

 

I'm more concerned about you using the term "dumb broad"

[Obsolete]

Imagine? Does Paul have a police record of physical abuse in relationships?

 

None that I know of. I DO know that when stressed he does things that are generally hurtful, which he usually regrets later on.

 

What kind of currency is used in the Wow game? Is it actual cash?

 

Actual Cash as in USD? No. But it does take time and effort to work for. Generally, like actual cash, it is kept to ones self. The act of sharing a bank through the game was a major sign of trust. Like sharing a bank account, though of course on a lesser level.

 

Great guy? You're contradicting yourself. You said that Paul is the kind of guy you "imagine" would take a swing at his girlfriend when drunk - but we don't know if he's ever had any kind of police record of doing such?

 

Just the facts, ma'am.

 

He is a good guy, under most situations. He is actually, almost all of the time very sweet, unreliable and with confused priorities, but sweet and generally good. He's also a very good friend. The problem doesn't lie in that, its more the fact that he snaps worse than most people. Most people get stressed, vent a bit. Maybe even storm off. He instead yells, insults, and seems to go for the thing that will cause the most harm, so far this has included betraying trust via the bank, and breaking up with her. These are only the most recent two events. There have been others though, but the text wall is already formidable enough. Later on he generally blames it on her, then feels terrible afterwords and tries to make it up. Remember, this is a long distance relationship-he is limited in what he can do, but so far, he's basically done the worst he can do from 7 hours away.

 

From your close time spent with Paul' date=' how does he manage his stress? What things does he do to de-stress?[/quote']

 

Generally when things get stressful he disappears for a bit. Often times hanging out with other friends. Sometimes he drinks casually, sometimes he parties pretty hard, sometimes he just plays video games for extended periods of time. He makes himself scarce though. He basically bottles until he snaps.

 

Sounds like you are trying to C-block Paul and get Nicky to date you?

 

I'm more concerned about you using the term "dumb broad"

 

As already mentioned, she and I already will be dating. She and Paul will not be dating for at least 2 years. Yes, I am trying to c-block him, but not for me. Not much I can say that will prove my honesty on this one, so take it as you will.

 

As for the term "dumb broad" I was trying to make a point. She is honestly one of the most intelligent human beings I have ever met. I realized that the picture that was being painted was that she was less than brilliant, when in reality its merely hormones. She has been friends with Paul for years, when she imagined the perfect guy from the time she was a child she imagined a guy who looked just like Paul (physically), plus he is REALLY charming. As in were he bi, he could just about charm ME out of my pants. So I really don't hold Nicky at fault here. In all honesty, I don't hold Paul at fault. He's a good guy, he's not a good boyfriend. Batman also was an awesome guy, model citizen, successful, etc. He would make a craptastic husband.

 

The truth is: Paul and Nicky are over. The only thing I can do is help to save Nicky a couple years of yearning over something that can't come true-because Paul doesn't want to settle down and have a quiet family, and he doesn't want to stop sleeping around. On top of that, he's emotionally abusive, if not physically.

 

Edit: In all honesty, I do have to admit that yes, I would like her to move on from Paul now so that her and I can have an actual chance. If I have to I am perfectly willing to wait two years though. Nicky is my concern, not my own genitals.

[You'reasian]

 

Actual Cash as in USD? No. But it does take time and effort to work for. Generally, like actual cash, it is kept to ones self. The act of sharing a bank through the game was a major sign of trust. Like sharing a bank account, though of course on a lesser level..

 

Ok, thanks for explaining. So the two play a shared video game? How do you find the time to do that? lol

 

He is a good guy, under most situations. He is actually, almost all of the time very sweet, unreliable and with confused priorities, but sweet and generally good. He's also a very good friend. The problem doesn't lie in that, its more the fact that he snaps worse than most people. Most people get stressed, vent a bit. Maybe even storm off. He instead yells, insults, and seems to go for the thing that will cause the most harm, so far this has included betraying trust via the bank, and breaking up with her. These are only the most recent two events. There have been others though, but the text wall is already formidable enough. Later on he generally blames it on her, then feels terrible afterwords and tries to make it up. Remember, this is a long distance relationship-he is limited in what he can do, but so far, he's basically done the worst he can do from 7 hours away..

 

I was not aware that this was a long distance relationship? Text wall?

 

You state that Paul is unreliable. How so?

 

Generally when things get stressful he disappears for a bit. Often times hanging out with other friends. Sometimes he drinks casually, sometimes he parties pretty hard, sometimes he just plays video games for extended periods of time. He makes himself scarce though. He basically bottles until he snaps...

 

Not good. Playing video games for extended periods of time would make it impossible and improbable to do other activities?

 

As already mentioned, she and I already will be dating. She and Paul will not be dating for at least 2 years. Yes, I am trying to c-block him, but not for me. Not much I can say that will prove my honesty on this one, so take it as you will. ...

 

My friend, the spoils of c-blocking Paul outweigh the fear of doing it. Seeing that She is 7 hours away from him looks like low hanging fruit for you.

 

What does Paul fo for a living?

 

As for the term "dumb broad" I was trying to make a point. She is honestly one of the most intelligent human beings I have ever met. I realized that the picture that was being painted was that she was less than brilliant, when in reality its merely hormones. She has been friends with Paul for years, when she imagined the perfect guy from the time she was a child she imagined a guy who looked just like Paul (physically), plus he is REALLY charming. As in were he bi, he could just about charm ME out of my pants. So I really don't hold Nicky at fault here. In all honesty, I don't hold Paul at fault. He's a good guy, he's not a good boyfriend. Batman also was an awesome guy, model citizen, successful, etc. He would make a craptastic husband.

 

The truth is: Paul and Nicky are over. The only thing I can do is help to save Nicky a couple years of yearning over something that can't come true-because Paul doesn't want to settle down and have a quiet family, and he doesn't want to stop sleeping around. On top of that, he's emotionally abusive, if not physically.

 

Edit: In all honesty, I do have to admit that yes, I would like her to move on from Paul now so that her and I can have an actual chance. If I have to I am perfectly willing to wait two years though. Nicky is my concern, not my own genitals.

 

It seems like Paul and Nicky know each other rather well. Its hard to imagine that a guy whose known a girl for such a long time would miss treat her - which begs the question: how well do you know Paul?

 

So Paul is physically abusive?

 

That's reason enough to intervene, especially if he has a track record of heavy handedness.

[Obsolete]

I was not aware that this was a long distance relationship? Text wall?

 

Its primarily the reason why she wants to wait until I'm down there before dating. And text wall is a large block of text. I don't want too much or the likelihood of anybody actually helping decreases.

 

You state that Paul is unreliable. How so?

 

He tends to disappear when things get stressful. Doesn't answer the phone, goes to friends houses (often times ex's which I know Nicky has repeatedly asked him to stop doing: spending multiple nights at ex's houses that is), and even if he can be gotten ahold of, most of the time he's "too busy" but refuses to go into anymore detail. 2 minutes on the phone followed by "Oh ****, gotta run" and a hang up with no callback.

 

Not good. Playing video games for extended periods of time would make it impossible and improbable to do other activities?

 

The video games aren't the problem, its that he plays for 8 hours straight, refuses to answer the phone, goes to sleep. Then he might do it for the next 3 days. Basically he looses himself in them for extended periods of time. Its his way of coping with stress; too loose himself in distractions. The problem is though is that there is substantial evidence of one of those distractions being sleeping around. As previously mentioned he will often disapear to an ex's house and stay there for days, not answering the phone. Earlier this year Paul was thinking he was going to have to transfer colleges to a place where he had a particularly attractive ex. Nicky said that she would be willing to move there as well since its only a couple hours away and could transfer work fairly easily. Once that came up he started talking about a "soft breakup" so he could "make mistakes and not beat himself up about them." He also has a tendency to flirt a lot.

 

My friend' date=' the spoils of c-blocking Paul outweigh the fear of doing it. Seeing that She is 7 hours away from him looks like low hanging fruit for you.[/quote']

 

I live 20 hours away and will be moving down there later this year. So, not so much on the low hanging fruit bit. As for the spoils: Nicky and I WILL be dating once I move down. That has already been stated. I HIGHLY doubt that Paul will actually wait 2 years, then the moment he gets his degree stop having any interest in partying or anything similar. So Paul isn't a threat to me. He IS a threat to Nicky. Not physically as much as emotionally.

 

What does Paul fo for a living?

 

Full time college student. His parents pay his bills as long as he's in college. His parents are, to put simply, rich. He's in for Marketing. Was thinking he was going to have to transfer earlier this year (as previously mentioned) but found a way around it-though I personally find it convinient that he found a way around it right after Nicky started riding him about the "soft breakup" (also aforementioned) pretty hard and he got into a fight with the ex who lived in the area. Could be coincidence, but I don't consider it a mark in his favor all the same.

 

It seems like Paul and Nicky know each other rather well. Its hard to imagine that a guy whose known a girl for such a long time would miss treat her - which begs the question: how well do you know Paul?

 

Its not a matter of how well they know each other: its the fact that when stressed he snaps. He also really isn't interested in settling down and raising a fmaily; which Nicky wants to do. The fact is though, he does snap pretty bad when pushed. And if Nicky is going to be pushing him to be something he's not; a reliable family man; then he's going to be snapping a lot.

 

As for your question: I don't know him as well as Nicky does in all fairness, but I've played some games with him, chatted with him and helped him out with homework and papers and such, not best buds, but most definately not enemies.

 

So Paul is physically abusive?

 

No proof there. He IS emotionally abusive though. And in all honesty, Nicky could easily kick Paul's ass, and she has been in abusive relationships before. Should it hit that point, I have faith that Nicky would do what she did to the last boyfriend who tried to punch her; disapear. She packed everything up, left, gone. She IS smart enough to not stay in a physically abusive relationship despite hormones. But all of that aside, I'm more worried about him tearing her up emotionally.

 

 

To add some more details here: from my third person perspective I've seen Paul go to and from Nicky. Sometimes he's sweet and (most of all) charming. Sometimes he's very distant. Usually when he's distant, he's very distant and there is a girl who is always over at his place. Now Paul has a lot of friends who are female in all fairness. He gets to the point of being cold though. Just a couple months ago Nicky's best friend died in a car accident (part of the problem IMO; she's very lonely right now and Paul is the easiest to grasp onto) and when Nicky called Paul basically said "Damn that blows. I've got a friend over though right now helping me with some homework can I call you back?" Because of this habbit of his, and because Nicky is a very patient, laid back and forgiving person (abnormally so-part of the problem here) I think that Paul is keeping Nicky as a backup basically. When his normal girls disapear or become boring he can go back to Nicky who will nod, forgive him and move on. She doesn't hold grudges. Admirable, but as I've always said; Always be willing to forgive, but don't forget.

 

I'm sure most people who have read this one think I'm just trying to steal her away. Feel free. Demonize me if that makes you feel better-I just want to help her though. If I have to be demonized to help a person I honestly care for, thats a perfectly acceptable cost.

[You'reasian]

 

The video games aren't the problem, its that he plays for 8 hours straight, refuses to answer the phone, goes to sleep. Then he might do it for the next 3 days. Basically he looses himself in them for extended periods of time. Its his way of coping with stress; too loose himself in distractions. The problem is though is that there is substantial evidence of one of those distractions being sleeping around. As previously mentioned he will often disapear to an ex's house and stay there for days, not answering the phone. Earlier this year Paul was thinking he was going to have to transfer colleges to a place where he had a particularly attractive ex. Nicky said that she would be willing to move there as well since its only a couple hours away and could transfer work fairly easily. Once that came up he started talking about a "soft breakup" so he could "make mistakes and not beat himself up about them." He also has a tendency to flirt a lot. .

 

How does Paul access World of Warcraft? How does he access Nicky's account?

 

I live 20 hours away and will be moving down there later this year. So, not so much on the low hanging fruit bit. As for the spoils: Nicky and I WILL be dating once I move down. That has already been stated. I HIGHLY doubt that Paul will actually wait 2 years, then the moment he gets his degree stop having any interest in partying or anything similar. So Paul isn't a threat to me. He IS a threat to Nicky. Not physically as much as emotionally..

 

 

 

Full time college student. His parents pay his bills as long as he's in college. His parents are, to put simply, rich. He's in for Marketing. Was thinking he was going to have to transfer earlier this year (as previously mentioned) but found a way around it-though I personally find it convinient that he found a way around it right after Nicky started riding him about the "soft breakup" (also aforementioned) pretty hard and he got into a fight with the ex who lived in the area. Could be coincidence, but I don't consider it a mark in his favor all the same.

 

Its not a matter of how well they know each other: its the fact that when stressed he snaps. He also really isn't interested in settling down and raising a fmaily; which Nicky wants to do. The fact is though, he does snap pretty bad when pushed. And if Nicky is going to be pushing him to be something he's not; a reliable family man; then he's going to be snapping a lot..

 

My friend, you say that he doesn't want to settle down and raise a family, but you really don't know this guy considering that you've only helped him work on a few papers, played some games and such?

 

You can't really tell if a guy is going to be reliable family man until he starts a family, right?

 

As for your question: I don't know him as well as Nicky does in all fairness, but I've played some games with him, chatted with him and helped him out with homework and papers and such, not best buds, but most definately not enemies. No proof there. He IS emotionally abusive though. And in all honesty, Nicky could easily kick Paul's ass, and she has been in abusive relationships before. Should it hit that point, I have faith that Nicky would do what she did to the last boyfriend who tried to punch her; disapear. She packed everything up, left, gone. She IS smart enough to not stay in a physically abusive relationship despite hormones. But all of that aside, I'm more worried about him tearing her up emotionally...

 

Well, if Nicky could kick Paul's ass - I wouldn't be worrying to much about the abuse, emotionally or physically. Women can smell fear and would walk over a man, as the one you describe.

 

To add some more details here: from my third person perspective I've seen Paul go to and from Nicky. Sometimes he's sweet and (most of all) charming. Sometimes he's very distant. Usually when he's distant, he's very distant and there is a girl who is always over at his place. Now Paul has a lot of friends who are female in all fairness. He gets to the point of being cold though. Just a couple months ago Nicky's best friend died in a car accident (part of the problem IMO; she's very lonely right now and Paul is the easiest to grasp onto) and when Nicky called Paul basically said "Damn that blows. I've got a friend over though right now helping me with some homework can I call you back?" Because of this habbit of his, and because Nicky is a very patient, laid back and forgiving person (abnormally so-part of the problem here) I think that Paul is keeping Nicky as a backup basically. When his normal girls disapear or become boring he can go back to Nicky who will nod, forgive him and move on. She doesn't hold grudges. Admirable, but as I've always said; Always be willing to forgive, but don't forget.

 

I'm sure most people who have read this one think I'm just trying to steal her away. Feel free. Demonize me if that makes you feel better-I just want to help her though. If I have to be demonized to help a person I honestly care for, thats a perfectly acceptable cost.

 

Best of luck, friend. Hope that it works out for all.