airbug Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I will try to summarize this as simply as possible. I apologize ahead of time for the length. I just need help. I was with a girl for a year. Her whole family hated me, and i mean hated... and they forbade her from seeing me. Now, I was dating someone from a different, more traditional culture, so the reasons they hated me were because I was not part of their culture. So we had to keep our relationship a secret, everytime she went to see me, she had to lie to her family and come up with some excuse for where she was going. Lies just started piling up and I was constantly worried that the mother would catch on and find out. Finally, after a year, the mother got suspicious enough to hack into her email and saw the emails that basically implicated that we were dating. The mother flipped and took the phone/computer etc. We were cut off from each other just like that. It was awful, just before the mom found out, we were hanging out together, and then she gets a call and the mother tells her to come home, and that was it. There was no warning, it was so jarring. The parents told her that she could no longer see me and made her promise to cut all contact. Now, if she was an adult, she would be able to make her own decisions, but since she wasn't, i understand that she had to obey her parents. However, she had made multiple promises to me before, that even if they found out, she would still try to be with me because eventually, if we waited it out, the parents would move on to something else. So we tried that, until she said that she didn't ever want to be my girlfriend again because she wasn't in love with me anymore. This was a complete shock, and her reasoning for this statement was that we had been through too much and that she had been forced to close off her feelings. This was hard for me to digest because we had built so much, and i was always there helping her through everything and all of a sudden her parents say one thing and she just folds without trying. Now before she told me this, we went about a month and a half of secretly meeting each other and basically acting like we were dating (cuddling, having sex, etc). So, I asked her how long she had known she wasn't in love with me, and she said she had known the whole time, she just didn't tell me and couldn't help herself because she was attracted to me. I was furious, I felt like I'd been strung around, I was under the delusion that while we were having sex, being together that she was doing it because she was in love with me and cared. From there, it went downhill, she said she wanted to be friends because she didn't want me out of her life. Foolishly, i tried to do that, but i was so bitter, and every moment together I started bickering with her about how she lied and how she used me. Finally, I was able to calm down and we saw each other maybe once a week and hung out. Then she started changing, she started saying things like how i didn't mean as much her to anymore because we weren't together, that I wasn't as important, that she was less sensitive to my feelings, that she didn't care about me as much, that shed completely moved on and didn't care what I did. I couldn't understand this, because even though we weren't "together" she still meant just as much to me, she was more then a best friend, I cared just as much as before. I then said somethings of my own, saying how at least my feelings were true and didn't waver depending on whether we were together or not and that she was probably just using her parents as an excuse to get rid of me. This then escalated to her calling me immature (and in the same breath called me a "little s#@t", great irony), that she wouldn't be surprised if I had lied to her throughout the whole relationship, that I was abusive one, and that her family was right about me when they said I was an awful person. She then said she never wanted to see or hear from me again and that she would always remember me poorly (who says that to someone???), that she no longer loved me at all, and wouldn't care if I died, that it would be as if I never existed in her life. In response, I just stared at her with my mouth open and then left. Since then, I've tried to talk to her and ask (more like begged) her to give me a chance but she just puts me down and continues to say more awful things. She even went so far as to tell her family that I'm bothering her. She's treating me like dirt and I'm the one being accused of being abusive and an awful person. So now, I feel like &$%@, because even though she treated me so poorly, I was the one begging to have another chance. She was the first person I ever fully opened up to and trusted, and I did everything for her, and we were both really happy and we were both truly in love. She my support system when we were together, she was always there for me. So, losing that person, who was always there for me when I was weak, it's devastating and I feel alone and lost. Now, when I need support, the person I went to, the only person who was ever able to truly help me,(I'm a hard person to help) is gone. Now, I hear she's dating some guy who she used to like and I'm so friggen jealous, it makes me angry and sad to think of someone else touching her body, kissing her, having sex with her and seeing her naked. I miss her. I'm not over it but she clearly is and that makes me feel even worse. I also torture myself by obsessing over the "what ifs", thinking of how happy we'd be if we hadn't been caught. I don't know what to do. I want her in my life but she wants nothing to do with me. Thanks for reading, sorry for it being so friggen long.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Read the links in my signature file. There's some good advice on how to deal with what you're going through. You might not like the advice but like bad tasting medicine, it's good for you.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It really does hurt so much to let go of someone you love... especially when they become cruel as it seems your ex has become. You both seem pretty young and she is clearly very immature. Since she is under the influence and rules of her family there is not much you can do. She has made her choice to move on and it's possible her cruelty toward you is her way of dealing with her feelings. Sometimes people need to hurt others to make themselves feel good about themselves. CaliGuy's guide is great for moving on... please read it and follow the guidelines. While it's difficult to let go and move on, she is not the one for you. If she can be so hurtful toward you, tell you she does not love you nor did she ever love you, then you should not hold on to have her in your life. You don't need friends like that. Karma will make right all the wrongs. Give yourself some time to heal and know that a new love will come into your life. Try to visualize all the things you will not miss instead of focusing on what you are missing. Good luck and take care of yourself.
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