rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I have read about this problem a few times on here before, but I believe my story is different from every other one ive read. It's another jealousy getting over the gf's past question. Here is my story. I've slept with about 13 girls. My girlfriend is still a virgin. She has done stuff with only a few guys, but a bunch (5-10) have done stuff to her. But for some reason, I still am bothered by her history. Im sure my history she doesnt like, but she doesnt seem to care that much. I on the other hand care a lot more about her and other guys and always find myself comparing myself to them. im just a really competitive person. ive read about this problem a few times on here already, but usually it's when the girl has done a lot more than the guy. In this case its the complete opposite. At first i didnt care about any of this, but once i started to like her it bothered me. Also, it's partly my fault for knowing since I ask her about it. But also, she usually shares way too much information when i dont want to know. so it's kind of both our faults.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 This is not unique at all. Your bothered by your gf's past. Sex or no sex it doesn't matter. She's not "pure". Wake up hypocrite, neither are you. From here on in, you don't ask. The next time she even comes close to brining it up you say: "hey babe, I'm sorry but I really don't want to know." Enough said. She might feel a little hurt you shut her down but in all honesty, it will do nothing but good. As for getting over it, start forgetting. That or dump her and find a girl who has never seen a penis. But yeah, have fun dealing with the "ewww, gross" factor of most newbies. And think about this: was she doing those things with guys she was dating? did they get drunk and fool around? did they "pressure" her? was she just experimenting her own sexuality? Those are the questoins you should have asked if any at all. They are the ones that tell you about what type of person she is, not how many. Advice: get over it, don't ask ever again.
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Ive already started stopping her whenever she gets close. But from time to time she asks about my past, and we end up getting in small arguments, and then it ends up making me ask about hers. But that seemed like good advice. and the two times she did things with guys, she said one was a really close friend she felt comfortable with, and the other pressured her when she was drunk, and she stopped doing it and regretted it. But i do know a bunch of times she said she would hookup with guys just because she wanted to. she did say that every guy she was with though she knew, and none were random.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You're off to a good start. But still don't ask. Even if your curious you do not need to know more than you do. Or if you really need to know think of the worst answer she could possibly give ask yourself if you could handle that if it were true, if you can not, you do not ask. If she asks you general questions: regarding one night stands- how many? or did you use protection? have you been tested? have you cheated? did you love them? I think those are valid questions to wich you give simple, straight truthful answers. Do NOT answer: personal things that she can compare to: have you had sex in the shower? Did you do it in the car? Have you had a 3 some? This will only lead her to be comparted TO. And you know how that makes YOU feel. If she pressures you to answer say: "Babe, I'm really, really not comfortable answering those questions". Sure, she'll feel hurt and let down you can't "share" but think about it... you're doing it for the better. Then tell her how much you love her, and want to do all these fun things with her and the past is just that the past... you're looking forward to all the new things you can do with her. Turst me I know, I'm like ur gf... I asked... he answered I was like: "OH MY GOD". I so did not want to know that. And the next time I asked something about his past he said to me what I told you to say to her. I've never asked again.
Ronni_W Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Maybe you could try to change the way you are looking at the situation? In reality, there is no "competition", her former sexual partners are not your rivals, and there is no prize, trophy or gold medal for you to win as far as your love-making skills are concerned. Also, her prior behaviour is not a statement about or against YOU --you're making yourself the focal point of her sexual past (such as it is), and that is more indicating a narcissistic tendency on your part. No biggie cos you've caught it in time. But now you must commit to properly self-managing that tendency...*IF* you want to keep this relationship healthy, and mutually respectful and supportive. And, like girl68 said: STOP engaging in conversations that you both already know is going to damage your relationship. Even if your g/f starts it, you do NOT have to get involved with it...just tell her that you value your relationship too much.
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 You both make good points. And I have disclosed all that necessary information about my past about things such as being tested and stuff like that. She did ask all those other questions too unfortunately. It's funny because you sounded exactly like her with your line of questions that were not okay to ask lol. The only problem is, i usually do try to avoid them. I always say, i dont want to tell her. But then she keeps insisting, or i worry she will just assume i have if i dont answer. For example, if i never took a shower with a girl, i would just say i havent. why would i beat around the bush saying i dont want to answer if i could just say no? Thats just my thought process when she asks those things.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I would stand firm in position. Period if you don't want to tell, you don't want to tell. Don't say you don't want to tell that makes it sound like you're hiding something. Say you are not comfortable talking about the past in that sense. If she insists say she needs to drop it and be firm. That's not necessary info to know if this person is a good match. As long as your happy with her as is now, so be it. She's unexperienced and doesn't know this is not appropriate information that is divulged to a new partner. Period, end of conversation.
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 She wants to know the names of the girls now, in case she ever runs into them. is that okay to answer? i said no already.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 ABSOLUTELY NOT. If she pushes seriously she's a nut case. You know why she wants to know... to look them up (as she said) to measure herself against them. I warn again: NO, NO, NO. I don't care what screaming fit she throws- absolutely not. In fact here's what I'll say in the event she presses on and you give in... All hell breaks loose and here's the punch line: I TOLD YOU SO!
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 (4:16:41 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]i really want to know who youve been with[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] 4:16:56 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i'm sorry (her name) [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:16:56 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]why are you so afraid to share it[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:08 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]because it's just wrong in relationships[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:12 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]to do that[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:24 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i have nothing to hide[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:30 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]its completely irrelevant to us[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:32 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]and i just care about us[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:47 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]youre hiding that from me[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:17:53 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]and you know that means a lot to me[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:18:12 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]no im not[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:18:25 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]yes you are[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:18:49 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i know its wrong to talk about this [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:18:55 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]im sorry[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:19:10 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]im sorry too then[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:19:14 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]i dont feel there is anything important to share[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] (4:19:23 PM): [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e]that makes one of us [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] Then she signed off. didnt go so well.[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#ff3e9e] [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 thats an aim conversation. somehow it got all messed up, but you should be able to read it. after that she signed off and didnt say anything.
lora22 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 She's obviously an insecure and jealous person. As girl said, under no circumstances should you answer that question, no matter how much sh*t your gf gives you. It's in the past, and you're with her now. She needs to just get over it.
Author rolex5235 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 alright. well hopefully she wont leave me over not telling her.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Good job! Stick to your word, do not give in, if you tell her just think of all the other things you will have to "share..." was your ex better at giving blow jobs? LOL. She's immature... is she young? I assume she is. If she doesn't drop it I think she needs to do a lot of growing up- honestly. You did say that you thought this bothered you more than her... it seems its completely the opposite!
lora22 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 alright. well hopefully she wont leave me over not telling her. If she broke up with you for not telling her something that's none of her business anyways would you really wanna be with her? Just imagine the living hell your life will be if you actually divulge any of that information. Then you'll A) be sorry you told and B) probably end up leaving her (if you're smart).
Author rolex5235 Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Well she ended up not making me tell her, and we are good now. I just gave her a few hours to think things over and calm down a little. And she ended up telling her parents about me for the first time tonight, which was a big thing since her parents are super strict even though she is already 20 years old. And she did that before we even made up. Also, she apologized and said that it's hard because im her first real relationship and she doesnt have any experience with these types of things. so i felt some sympathy for that albeit the rough afternoon. She did try to defend herself again though for asking, and said she feels slightly uncomfortable that im hiding stuff from her. because she wants to know everything about me, and my past is part of me. but it got dismissed quickly and hopefully that will be the last of that.
girl68 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Well done. I know where she's coming from I really do. I can understand how she feels however, she MUST learn that you will never tell your partner EVERYTHING about yourself. For example when you do have sex for the 100th time maybe you are thinking about that hot girl from the store you saw earlier... but that is something you should NEVER share. Just an example. If she ever does bring it up again, here's something you can throw out there. Your asking me to divulge information that is not only about me but about the girl as well. That is private information. You should protect your partners identities. She has no good reason to know. "wanting to know everything about you" yeah, I've said that too but you know what... I know the basics... you don't need to know the who's. I know the "why's" and that's more important. I figured that you were her first, and that she's young. I could tell that. If this isn't the end remind her that you are not hiding anything, but no one should know EVERYTHING. And that the rule of thumb in regards to pasts and sex lives is that don't ask don't tell. (Other than the basics- were you safe? how many? (even that second one is questionable). That is all she is to know. And good for you, help her learn.
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