Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I've been dating a woman for just over 3 years. She has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and we are are currently expecting a child (my first) together. Her ex is NC. We're fighting alot right now, it's a significant problem. She has an extremely negative attitude towards me. Some of the most minor arguments often dissolve into cutting me down personally ("loser", "bitch", etc). I don't take the insults personally, but it's awful to hear every other day. I lost a well paying job in sales over a year ago. While I was living with her at the time, she told me to leave because she couldn't support me financially. I paid for half the furniture in that place, helped with groceries, etc. So I moved back home. She is 6 months pregnant, living her own life with her daughter. I've since found another job, but she does not want me to move back in. But she wants to buy a house together. We see each other a few times during the week, usually for lunch. Once a week I am "allowed" to stay over night, where she falls asleep with the daughter in her bed and I sleep alone in hers (ours). Besides a kiss going out the door, or leaving for the night, we are not close. There is no real affection whatsoever. Nothing for months. Now as much as possible, I am trying to understand what she is going through. The pregnancy is hard, and very tiring. I want to be more involved with this, but it feels like she's trying to distance me from it. I just want to be with her. On top of it, if she continues to push me down, I'm going to leave. Everything went to **** when I lost my job. I love this girl, her family and this baby. But I'm tired of feeling heartbroken for her. Nobody has ever talked to me like that in my life. She's told me 100 times she doesn't care if we're together or not. The next day she says "sorry, didn't mean it". Am I over-reacting? What is this?
Mycroft Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Someone with more experience with pregnant women should probably speak up, but I would not put up with this at all! I know it would make you feel like a scum to leave her while shes pregnant but that is what she wants, acting like this.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Nope you're not over reacting. I think your under reacting. Once, twice maybe even 3 times you fight you might say something mean, that you regret. But to have her calling you names, all the time every fight is awfully immature. Stand up for yourself. Explain that she needs to learn how to express her concerns is a way that does not lead to a fight each and every time. It's a very irresponsible way to be in a relationship. I know this and I'm relatively young. Tell her that you will not stand for being called names. Name calling does nothing to solve problems. Explaining what is wrong, and why, not you be littleing you. And the next time she says she doesn't care if you're together, tell her to watch her mouth becasue the next time she says it she might get her wish. She's disrespecting you, not once not twice but all the time. Hormones or not- that's unacceptable. If she doesn't shape up I wouldn't stand for it.
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 She's disrespecting you, not once not twice but all the time. Hormones or not- that's unacceptable. If she doesn't shape up I wouldn't stand for it. I want to see things get better, but I don't know how they will. Makes me cold towards her, it's not me.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 When did she first started name calling you? Before or after she got pregnant? Was she nice to you before you lost your job? I'm starting to see gold digging qualities here.
sally4sara Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Did the ex (the four year old's bio dad) abandon her and the kid? What is her relationship with her own father? What is the state of her parent's relationship. Did her father cut out on her and her mom? Did he die while she was young? If the ex walked out on her and her daughter, and or her father died or walked out on her and her mom, she is acting out because she fears you will do the same. She is trying to beat you to the punch so she has a sense of control in the "inevitable" result of you leaving her. If none of these apply to her, sometimes pregnancy can trigger a bi-polar incident even if the person has never presented with bi-polar disorder prior to the pregnancy. Maybe suggest she talk to her doctor about this?
Bejita463 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Was she nice to you before you lost your job? I'm starting to see gold digging qualities here. I was just thinking the same thing, actually.
girl68 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I want to see things get better, but I don't know how they will. Makes me cold towards her, it's not me. Tell her this after you've explained that excessive (yes, that what you describe is excessive) name calling is unacceptable.
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Did the ex (the four year old's bio dad) abandon her and the kid? Yes. What is her relationship with her own father? What is the state of her parent's relationship. Did her father cut out on her and her mom? Did he die while she was young? Dad is around daily. He's divorced, retired. If the ex walked out on her and her daughter, and or her father died or walked out on her and her mom, she is acting out because she fears you will do the same. She is trying to beat you to the punch so she has a sense of control in the "inevitable" result of you leaving her. I thought of that, haven't given her any reason to believe this. I'm willing commit, absolutely. She knows this. But at what cost to our happiness? I make her "miserable", what? If none of these apply to her, sometimes pregnancy can trigger a bi-polar incident even if the person has never presented with bi-polar disorder prior to the pregnancy. Maybe suggest she talk to her doctor about this? Unlikely. We don't really talk about that. She's a very strong woman. Independant, tough. And so am I - but I've been constantly censoring myself around her, which is not healthy. She was like this before the pregnancy, hot and cold. About 12 months into the relationship.
sally4sara Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 She was like this before the pregnancy, hot and cold. Then she probably has some trust issues from the ex. I don't know what happened between her parents during the divorce, but the fact that she does maintain a relationship with her dad is good. It shows the past might not have such a hold on her present behavior so long as she isn't bonded to him by being against her mother. If she views her mother to be a chump because of the circumstances of the divorce, her attitude is mostly posturing and an attempt to not be as "weak" as her mother was; and like she has already been once with the ex. If she was like this before the pregnancy, how did you last to this point? Why have you put up with it before but now feel it needs addressed? You cannot keep your head up under this strain forever. Your impending child needs to see you have a backbone.
manugeorge Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 . She was like this before the pregnancy, hot and cold. About 12 months into the relationship. I was thinking it may be the pregnancy too but if she was like this before the pregnancy? a year into the relationship which means you experienced 2 whole years of her yoyo attitude and still got her pregnant? You, my dear, are what I would call a glutton for punishment...I'm sorry.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Just because she is pregnant, doesn't give her a right to demean you and call you names. I don't know what is going on with her but since you two are going to have a child, I suggest getting to counceling. You need to stand up for yourself. Her behavior is not normal. She could be having some hormone things going on but not enough to warrent name calling. Perhaps she is bi-polar.
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I was thinking it may be the pregnancy too but if she was like this before the pregnancy? a year into the relationship which means you experienced 2 whole years of her yoyo attitude and still got her pregnant? You, my dear, are what I would call a glutton for punishment...I'm sorry. I'm willing to make sacrifices for the sake of staying together, but at this point it seems lost.. It doesn't seem like she makes any concessions for us. I won't say it's always terrible, obviously. We have many good days. I'm not looking for a closing argument, but I appreciate everyone's opinion on this. There are times I feel like a selfish ass for thinking this way. We're both 27, both deserve to be totally happy. I'm coming to the realization that I might not be able to change this without staying apart. I'm heartbroken for both of these kids.
manugeorge Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I'm willing to make sacrifices for the sake of staying together, but at this point it seems lost.. It doesn't seem like she makes any concessions for us. I won't say it's always terrible, obviously. We have many good days. I'm not looking for a closing argument, but I appreciate everyone's opinion on this. There are times I feel like a selfish ass for thinking this way. We're both 27, both deserve to be totally happy. I'm coming to the realization that I might not be able to change this without staying apart. I'm heartbroken for both of these kids. Kids are much better off with happy but "apart" parents than they are with miserable, "together" parents. You don't have to date or be married to the child's mother to have an active role in your child's life. What I hope is that she doesn't exhibit the same negative attitude towards her 4 year old...and subsequently, the new baby.
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Kids are much better off with happy but "apart" parents than they are with miserable, "together" parents. You don't have to date or be married to the child's mother to have an active role in your child's life. What I hope is that she doesn't exhibit the same negative attitude towards her 4 year old...and subsequently, the new baby. Never. She's a great mom, very happy about the new baby. Our time with each other is a different story.
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Dude, does she really call you a "bitch"? You lose your job and she kicks you out? Whoa... You must be overdosing on patience pills. I'd have seen a lawyer eons ago (regarding child custody after birth). Be a sterling father to this child and find a loving woman to restore your faith in and feeling for the gender. They're out there...
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 You must be overdosing on patience pills. I'd have seen a lawyer eons ago (regarding child custody after birth). Be a sterling father to this child and find a loving woman to restore your faith in and feeling for the gender. They're out there... Solid advice, thanks. Friends of mine were telling me this a year ago. I thought I could rise above it all, stay strong. Never had to deal with this kind of problem before..
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Just remember here, if the gender roles were reversed, every woman on this site would be screaming emotional abuse. Hear their screams. It applies to you, too. You're not a mindless, unfeeling robot. Never forget that
Author Malcolm Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Just remember here, if the gender roles were reversed, every woman on this site would be screaming emotional abuse. Hear their screams. It applies to you, too. You're not a mindless, unfeeling robot. Never forget that Thanks again. This has helped alot.
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You're going to have to somehow find a way to get her to talk. You're stumbling around blind here, unsure what to do because you can't get to the root cause of her behaviour. I think she's pushed you around for far too long. Time to take a deep breath and ask her 'what do you want? Do you want me in your life as a partner, or not? I can tell you right now what I want. I want us to be together, raise our child together, I love you and want to be with you. If you don't want that, I deserve for you to at least tell me'. Right now you are giving her everything she wants, or seems to want, but it's still not making her happy. You are constantly in a defensive position due to her anger, afraid to set it off, doing as she wants, hoping it will change things. I too would get thee to a lawyer pronto before this child is born, she sounds unstable and controlling, she tells you to move out and you do...what would you do if she said that she didn't want you to see your child? The name calling and apologising without resolving any issues is called emotional abuse, no wonder you're feeling cold towards her. You have to stand up to her somehow, she's controlling how your whole relationship is going with her behaviour, but get advise from a lawyer first...I'm getting bad feelings here about what the payback for standing up to her might be, which is how she has you in this position in the first place.
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Just remember here, if the gender roles were reversed, every woman on this site would be screaming emotional abuse. Hear their screams. It applies to you, too. You're not a mindless, unfeeling robot. Never forget that snap! emotional abuse. And I'm a woman and I can see it too. Men haven't got the corner on abusing their partner, either physically or emotionally - there's a book called http://www.thatbitchbook.com/ it's written primarily for men who find themselves in the situation you're in now and for men who's wives beat them, and posts case histories about other men in similar situations, so that you realise that this is not normal or healthy behaviour and is not good for you. The key point to realise is that women like this end up with nice guys (I don't mean that in a patronising way), because the guys are genuine, caring and try to do the right thing, they allow themselves to be treated with a total lack of disrespect. So take that to heart, you're in the position because you're a decent guy and are trying to do the right thing.
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