samfish Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Well, here's my story...I'll try to keep it relatively short! About a month ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. It was basically a long distance relationship, although the distance usually wasn't much of an issue for us. For a little background, we were together for about 2 years and planning to get married. I was actually planning to propose to her in September She travels a lot for her job and was hoping to get a job at UNICEF in January. Getting that job (which she's a shoe in for at this point) would mean that she would be in the field for 10 straight months. So I was hoping to propose to her and really make it official before i wouldn't be able to see her for 10 months. Anyway, everything was fine until recently. We had a bit of an argument back in January about her career. I told her I didn't like it (she has a sometimes very dangerous job and has absolutely no self defense skills), she interpreted it to mean I wanted her to have a different career, but we talked it through and patched it up. Around the end of March or beginning of April, she casually mentioned to me that she'd be going to Afghanistan if she didn't get the UNICEF thing. Like it was no big thing! She just tossed it out there. Needless to say, I was stunned and told her I didn't want to talk about it right now. I needed time to come to grips with it before I could rationally talk with her about it. She clearly didn't like that I wasn't in the mood to discuss it. In retrospect, it was a huge mistake I made and she was probably just putting on a brave face. Around the beginning of April, things got super busy for her at work and things started happening in her personal life, including a few deaths from close friends (her friend's father died, another friends baby passed away). She began to become depressed and withdrawn. By the 3rd weekend of April, she didn't even want to talk to me and was weeping on the phone when I would call her, pleading for space and time alone. As I saw her becoming more and more like this, I, instead of just being there to catch her like I should have, started to kind of smother her with affection. I understand how that can pressure someone already on the edge. I just wish I'd have realized it at the time. In fairness, too, I have also become more affectionate towards her starting in around January or February, if I had to guess. Not sure why my attitude changed like that. It just did. I suppose it would be fair to say that I kind of went too far showing her feelings when she was in no mood mentally to reciprocate such feelings back. Then she broke up with me on May 2nd. So...I wrote her a long letter. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't sent it, but I wrote it the day she broke up with me and wasn't thinking as clear as I could have. There was nothing bad or mean in it...but I don't imagine it much helped my standing in her eyes. I wrote her a second letter a few days later after I had my head on straight and said I agreed with the breakup. Everything was fine until this past week. I made her a REALLY special birthday present and I wanted to send it. I had been working on it since February and she knew I had something special in the works. Nearly everyone who's advice I asked said it would be best to send it (in part since I told her I was going to send it when she broke up with me)...so I sent it. I suppose you could call it a moment of weakness, for better or worse. Her birthday was the 28th, but the package should have arrived the 29th (this is Japan time I'm talking about). I haven't heard from her yet, so I'm hoping to hear from her in the morning. She only wants to communicate through email, but I'm hoping she'll call :\ I'm going to wait a day or two to see what happens and how she responds, but I'm not sure what to do next. I have a few ideas what my next move should be, but my mind is too conflicted these last couple days to know clearly. Any advice??
samspade Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Look, first of all, you shouldn't have any "moves" to make as if this were a chess game - UNLESS your goal is to be friends with your ex, and nothing more. What you should do is learn from this and move on. Hopefully now you know that when a woman is going through a tough time, you can be her rock, but not her problem-solver (especially through over-affection). And now you know that you shouldn't send letters and gifts to someone who has broken up with you. It sounds like you two are headed in different directions, anyway. She seems determined to go on adventures abroad, and you don't sound like you are on the same page. In fact, your actions suggest you were trying to stymie her ambition. In any case, you would have been in a precarious position had you gotten engaged prior to her deployment. A ten-month assignment abroad? I'm assuming you two are young-ish (20s). Your ex wants to see the world, and trust me, part of traveling involves meeting exotic members of the opposite sex. I would be willing to bet that even HAD you behaved differently, she'd have broken up with you before leaving. You two sound like ships passing in the night...your ambitions are not in concert and you should be happy for the time you spent together. But accept the end and move forward.
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