My girlfriend kissed another fella

[AAlike]

forgive my yankee ignorance - but I'm assuming that "snog" means a fairly passionate kiss (i.e. tongue and such)?

 

here's my $.02 -

 

having attended a college with a large gay contingent and one in which it was very "cool" to be gay, and subsequently living in a more liberated section of my city, I have seen countless incidents where late-teenage/early 20's girls have exhibited extremely flirtatious behavior with gay guys. This is done under the guise of it "not meaning anything" because the guys are gay and hence they obviously are not turned on by it (which is extremely debatable) - even at times it is done in front of their respective SO's. it actually almost seemed as if they found it liberating because they could act young and flirty and draw attention without the repercussions of being considered a slut, or being expected to sleep with the guy if they acted that way with a hetero guy. i had one duplicitous friend in college that would say that he was gay at parties just because of the increased attention and groping ability that it provided him.

 

so it's very possible that she justified it to herself in this manner. not cool, nonetheless, but the fact that she did it while you were there is actually a BETTER sign in my opinion than if she did it behind your back. to me that implies that she WAS justifying it with the "he's gay so it doesn't matter" reasoning - and while this is certainly an example of poor judgement on her behalf (and if it turned into a makeout session, that is proof that it's not that easy to have a "meaningless" kiss, even with a gay guy - chemistry can really take over in the moment), that is preferable to her knowingly doing something deceitful behind your back.

 

so I don't know - if it were me, although I'd certainly be pissed and would tell her that there's no way that I'd tolerate that again, I would be able to take at least some solace in that this seemingly could fall under the "stupid mistake" category rather than an outright lie. many mistakes are never repeated, however, rarely are lies isolated incidents.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, sorry for my vagueness on this.

 

She met mates of hers a few days later and they were flicking through pictures of the night. One or two of the pictures were of her kiss with your man.

 

She’s says that was the first time she remembered what had happened on the night. She hoped I had not been annoyed over it if I had seen it. Says it was drunken behaviour, they were a bit mischievous, was part of the night and meant nothing.

 

maybe she doesn't need to have a committed boyfriend if she goes out, gets drunk and doesn't remember anything, whether by convenience or not.

 

In my opinion, her behavior, getting drunk, and being mischievious is a recipe for a crappy relationship.

 

 

None of her mates were concerned by it, they’d kinda laughed it off.

 

like I said, girlfriends of hers could watch her whip the guy's member out and swing it around and "laugh it off". girlfriends usually cover for each other.

 

 

It started of a peck on the lips and went into a full snog.

 

Then I'd say it was highly inappropriate. A peck between friends....MAYBE I can see that. A full on make out session with tongue? Nobody does that for fun.

 

You think your gf would be ok with you sticking your tongue down another girl's throat? I highly doubt it.

 

Hell...why don't you go out and flirt around with other girls and have the same kind of fun she had. Whaddya wanna bet she wouldn't be so "understanding"?

[AAlike]

Can I really trust this girl?

Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

 

it doesn't really matter if people on here think that the kiss was acceptable or not (it's not, IMO, but that's not the point) - the important point is that your boundaries were exceeded. therefore, you have every right to be pissed.

 

however, there are a lot of stories posted on here in which I have seen a breach of trust that is unarguably beyond repair. this is not one of those situations in my opinion. now that's not to say that you should definitely get over it - that's entirely up to you - but only to state that given the circumstances (22nd birthday, drunkenness, the guy being allegedly gay, and her doing it in front of you instead of behind your back), I can at least see the potential of a second chance. but if so, this is definitely a two strikes and you're out type of situation. you can maybe chalk the first such occurrence up to ignorance or being naive (no, not drunkenness), but the second, after knowing how you feel, would be blatant disrespect.

[james197]

maybe she doesn't need to have a committed boyfriend if she goes out, gets drunk and doesn't remember anything, whether by convenience or not.

 

In my opinion, her behavior, getting drunk, and being mischievious is a recipe for a crappy relationship.

 

 

 

 

like I said, girlfriends of hers could watch her whip the guy's member out and swing it around and "laugh it off". girlfriends usually cover for each other.

 

 

 

 

Then I'd say it was highly inappropriate. A peck between friends....MAYBE I can see that. A full on make out session with tongue? Nobody does that for fun.

 

You think your gf would be ok with you sticking your tongue down another girl's throat? I highly doubt it.

 

Hell...why don't you go out and flirt around with other girls and have the same kind of fun she had. Whaddya wanna bet she wouldn't be so "understanding"?

 

I met an ex on her b'day a week later, after the previous weeks incident, I gave her a full on kiss. My gf was not there but I did bring it up during an argument.

 

She didn't give me a hard time and wanted to move on. She could because it would have been hypocritical. I was like I would not have if she hadn't had kissed the other guy. A few weeks later she accepted it would have been hypocritical to have given me a hard time.

 

Also she admitted to wanting to give me a hard time but was worried I would end things if I did. Not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean.

[Dexter Morgan]

I met an ex on her b'day a week later, after the previous weeks incident, I gave her a full on kiss. My gf was not there but I did bring it up during an argument.

 

She didn't give me a hard time and wanted to move on. She could because it would have been hypocritical.

 

exactly. However, if what she did was "nothing", then you can believe she would have laid into you about it.

 

So by her not giving you a hard time indicates that the "snog" was more than just being stupid....it was a "snog" out of attraction.

 

 

Also she admitted to wanting to give me a hard time but was worried I would end things if I did. Not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean.

 

Maybe you should end it anyway. Unless she can promise to stop going out, getting drunk, and doing things a committed partner shouldn't be doing.

 

Either she acts like a girlfriend or she can cease to be one.

[james197]

exactly. However, if what she did was "nothing", then you can believe she would have laid into you about it.

 

So by her not giving you a hard time indicates that the "snog" was more than just being stupid....it was a "snog" out of attraction.

 

 

 

 

Maybe you should end it anyway. Unless she can promise to stop going out, getting drunk, and doing things a committed partner shouldn't be doing.

 

Either she acts like a girlfriend or she can cease to be one.

 

 

Thanks for some good advice, I know it's down to me at the end of the day.

 

She did admit on one drunken night that she was guilt ridden over what had happened and appreciated that I had given her a second chance. Everytime I give her a hard time she says nothing about what I had done. What do you make of that?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks for some good advice, I know it's down to me at the end of the day.

 

She did admit on one drunken night that she was guilt ridden over what had happened and appreciated that I had given her a second chance. Everytime I give her a hard time she says nothing about what I had done. What do you make of that?

 

What I make out of that is that she is guilty as sin and it was more than fun between friends.

 

If all it was is fun between friends, she'd have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty about.

 

She felt guilty because she cheated on you.

[lora22]

Everytime I give her a hard time she says nothing about what I had done. What do you make of that?

Sorry I'm not Dexter, but what I make of that is that you're a hypocrite. If you did what you did to get even with her or some dumb immature selfish thing like that, then I guess you gave up your right to ever comment on what she did ever again. Sounds to me like you like having power over her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sorry I'm not Dexter, but what I make of that is that you're a hypocrite.

 

yes, sorry to say james, I have to agree with this too. you both did wrong, even though the only reason you did it was for revenge. I think this relationship needs to be dissolved.

 

 

If you did what you did to get even with her or some dumb immature selfish thing like that, then I guess you gave up your right to ever comment on what she did ever again. Sounds to me like you like having power over her.

 

While you are correct lora, this is the kind of irrationality that cheating spawns. While I don't blame him for the thought of getting even, I do for actually doing it.

 

nothing wrong with having a little short lived power over someone after they cheated(the ball being in the betrayed's court for a bit)...just not after a revenge cheating session has occurred.

[lora22]

While you are correct lora, this is the kind of irrationality that cheating spawns. While I don't blame him for the thought of getting even, I do for actually doing it.

Yeah, I guess I just don't get it....I've been cheated on in the past, never been a cheater...and the second I found out about cheating behavior, I instantly ended the relationship. So I guess I don't know what happens after cheating when people actually stay together.

[james197]

Fair points. I wasn't out for revenge. When my ex was there I could only think of the two and went with it.

 

My gf had not seen me and could never have known. I did own up.

Thought was best to be honest about it, not the sort of thing I would go off doing. My gf didn't seem to think anything of it.

 

She contradicts herself, one time she said she was guilty, another time we were having a very straight up convo, seemed we might be finished, she was saying she knew it was a big deal for me, she saw it as nothing, was sorry for it, didn't want to make a big deal out of it or for to seem bigger than what it was.

 

When I kissed my ex, tbh, it meant nothing, can I believe her when she says the same?

She, i guess, had to owe up to what she did, I was in the bar and I reckon she had to cover her tracks.

[lora22]

Fair points. I wasn't out for revenge. When my ex was there I could only think of the two and went with it.

Sounds like you don't much care for you current gf then.

 

My gf had not seen me and could never have known. I did own up.

BFD

was best to be honest about it, not the sort of thing I would go off doing. My gf didn't seem to think anything of it.

yeah, cuz she already cheated and you were in the power position. And honestly, if she doesn't care that you're making out with other girls, why are you with her?

 

contradicts herself, one time she said she was guilty, another time we were having a very straight up convo, seemed we might be finished, she was saying she knew it was a big deal for me, she saw it as nothing, was sorry for it, didn't want to make a big deal out of it or for to seem bigger than what it was.

Well duh, she's the one that did it, it's not something that happened to her. Either way, sounds like she's a little looser about sex-related and relationship things than about 99% of people if she honestly feels that way.

 

I kissed my ex, tbh, it meant nothing, can I believe her when she says the same?

Well I think you're lying that it meant nothing. If you were my bf, I would dump you. But if you think it meant nothing, well then you're a hypocrite for not automatically assuming that hers meant nothing also.

 

I think neither of you is ready for a committed relationship. You both sound really immature.

 

Just the fact that you can say your kiss meant nothing, and she says the same thing about hers, but you have doubts enough that you've created a multi-page thread about this issue makes me laugh.

[james197]

Sounds like you don't much care for you current gf then.

BFD

- I would not have done what she had done, if I was interested in other girls, I would not commit to a relationship

yeah, cuz she already cheated and you were in the power position. And honestly, if she doesn't care that you're making out with other girls, why are you with her?

I don't know tbh. Usually would be gone but I have not. She is lovely and done a lot to make things up to me and make the relationship work.

Well duh, she's the one that did it, it's not something that happened to her. Either way, sounds like she's a little looser about sex-related and relationship things than about 99% of people if she honestly feels that way.

I guess, she gave me a HJ in the club befor I even got her number the first night. On that, she's mortified by it and does not believe it happened.

Well I think you're lying that it meant nothing. If you were my bf, I would dump you. But if you think it meant nothing, well then you're a hypocrite for not automatically assuming that hers meant nothing also.

It did mean nothing, only did it coz of what had happened the previous week, if it hadn't I would not in any way have kissed my ex.

I think neither of you is ready for a committed relationship. You both sound really immature.

Fair enough criticism of me to a degree, if I was I would not be on this forum looking for advice I guess.

Just the fact that you can say your kiss meant nothing, and she says the same thing about hers, but you have doubts enough that you've created a multi-page thread about this issue makes me laugh.

Letting aside what I did for a moment, was i crazy to give give my gf a second chance in the first place?

It was stupid I admit what I did, told my gf I thought she'd hit me for it. I actually was guilty and was saying to her there was no excuse for what I did. My apology was far different to hers. She was like it was something stupid and was trying to laugh off the whole thing. She was like surprised I was bothered over it.

[lora22]

She is lovely and done a lot to make things up to me and make the relationship work.

I could be totally off, but maybe that's what you're liking right now? The fact that she's sucking up to you?

 

I guess, she gave me a HJ in the club befor I even got her number the first night. On that, she's mortified by it and does not believe it happened.

You're not allowed to judge this action, since you continued to date her, which tells me that it wasn't a big deal to you.

 

It did mean nothing, only did it coz of what had happened the previous week, if it hadn't I would not in any way have kissed my ex.

Exactly - so it didn't mean nothing, it meant revenge. IT MEANT SOMETHING. Maybe not that you want your ex back, but it's a lie to say that it meant nothing.

 

Fair enough criticism of me to a degree, if I was I would not be on this forum looking for advice I guess.

You're not listening to any of it though, which is fine, because at the end of the day, you do what's right for you and what you're comfortable with, but I feel like you keep asking the same effing questions, because you're looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, and not what they really think. Or, you're looking for justification for your actions - i.e. we all say "That's terrible! She cheated! She doesn't deserve you!" so you go make out with your ex and give her a hard time about what she did, she sucks up to you and "makes up for what she did," you love the power position you're in.

 

aside what I did for a moment, was i crazy to give give my gf a second chance in the first place?

I don't know, were you? I think pretty much everyone here said yes, so why are you asking? What is the answer you're looking for?

was stupid I admit what I did, told my gf I thought she'd hit me for it. I actually was guilty and was saying to her there was no excuse for what I did. My apology was far different to hers. She was like it was something stupid and was trying to laugh off the whole thing. She was like surprised I was bothered over it.

*sigh*

[james197]

I could be totally off, but maybe that's what you're liking right now? The fact that she's sucking up to you?

It isn't. In away, I'd like to believe her that it was something stupid, if we could get over it we'll be ok

You're not allowed to judge this action, since you continued to date her, which tells me that it wasn't a big deal to you.

 

It was a shock, had me sceptical of her. Was reluctant to meet her a second time. She texted apologising for any drunker behaviour when we had met.

I thought fair enough, I could at least meet the girl again.

After we went our own ways the second night, her going home with her mates, me with the lads, she texted me late on saying she liked me and did not want me to see her as easy.

 

I thought fair enough, met her the next few times away from drink, twice at the cinema, more times at a hotel bar where we would both drive, did not drink and just talked about stuff.

Exactly - so it didn't mean nothing, it meant revenge. IT MEANT SOMETHING. Maybe not that you want your ex back, but it's a lie to say that it meant nothing.

 

It did not mean anything. Your right though it was revenge. The kiss didn't mean anything as in wanting anything or wanting to kiss my ex again.

You're not listening to any of it though, which is fine, because at the end of the day, you do what's right for you and what you're comfortable with, but I feel like you keep asking the same effing questions, because you're looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, and not what they really think. Or, you're looking for justification for your actions - i.e. we all say "That's terrible! She cheated! She doesn't deserve you!" so you go make out with your ex and give her a hard time about what she did, she sucks up to you and "makes up for what she did," you love the power position you're in.

True, I will do what I need to do.

I do need sound/good advice though, and thanks for it.

I probably am asking the same questions, not sure what answers I am looking for.

I'm not looking for any power, I'm very much fair is fair. Open and honesty are traits I'm usually associtated with. Seen as a lovely fella etc, lovely people do tend to get trodden upon though or messed about. At the same time I can't say in other relationships I've had a bad experience or ex's would speak badly of me.

I don't know, were you? I think pretty much everyone here said yes, so why are you asking? What is the answer you're looking for?

 

*sigh*

Probably am crazy alright for it, my bad.

 

Thank you for your replies, much appreciated and totally honest which I do admire.

[lora22]

Well in that case, I think when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is what you think, and what your boundaries are.

 

Most people here have a boundary that includes their SOs not kissing other people. It sounds like you and your gf don't have that line. If you're not going to dump her though, you need to get over it, and that means no more comments or giving her a hard time.

[james197]

Well in that case, I think when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is what you think, and what your boundaries are.

 

Most people here have a boundary that includes their SOs not kissing other people. It sounds like you and your gf don't have that line. If you're not going to dump her though, you need to get over it, and that means no more comments or giving her a hard time.

 

My boundareis are it was not acceptible. At the same time I accepted we could possibly get over it.

 

You're right and that's the problem. I'm clearly not over it but am still involved with the girl.

 

Things I need to make clear, I do like the girl. I genuine believe she is mad about me. We have had two major arguments and when it was like it could be over, it was as if her world was falling apart.

 

One of the rows was really explosive, it was emotionally draining on both of us. I was never like that before, she gave as good as she got.

 

Half the problem I think is that we have no talked properly about things. When things were not good after her b'day and I wasn't really talking to her, she was texting like we need to talk properly about things. We'd meet then, we'd talk a bit but a lot of things would be left unsaid which have come out then when we have argued.

 

My main problem is trust. When I met the girl, I told her I was 24, she said she was 23. Another time, she asked when my b'day was, I asked heer when was hers. I was like, oh right, you'll be turning 24 then as well, she was like yes. A few weeks later then she's inviting me along to herr 22nd b'day celebrations and knowing full well I though she was oldeer said nothing. I was going to say somehting before her b'day but thought surely she's say something about it herself. Raised the issue at a row after her b'day and she was saying she didn't know why she lied about her age, was to broach the subject but could not and just skirted around the issue.

 

One night, while out in a bar, before her b'day, she cam eover with her mother toward where her mates and I were, she toltally balanked me and walked by. Later in the night a mater of hers said I hadn't met her mother yet, she replied something liek should I introduce him. I was introduced then after that but it was a bit weird. I've raised that with her as well. She said she was nervous, she had come ovedr to introduce her mam to me but couldn't. Says she'd never introduced a fella to herr mam before.

 

There is too much of an accumulation of weird stuff in this relationship, I've never been involved in anything like it.

[lora22]

IMO, there's just too much drama here and too many trust issues.

 

I'm not sure what your question is - you know what everyone here on LS think about her making out with her guy friend. This added information probably isn't going to make anyone change their minds; if anything it's another nail in her coffin.

 

Only you can decide if you're going to act like a 24 year old adult and either do something about this or get over it. No one here can tell you what the right decision for you is. No one here can break up with her for you, or say the magic words that will make you get over it.

 

So (and I'm not being sarcastic, I want to help if I can), what exactly is it that you're asking? What advice are you looking for that you haven't already received?

[james197]

IMO, there's just too much drama here and too many trust issues.

 

I'm not sure what your question is - you know what everyone here on LS think about her making out with her guy friend. This added information probably isn't going to make anyone change their minds; if anything it's another nail in her coffin.

 

Only you can decide if you're going to act like a 24 year old adult and either do something about this or get over it. No one here can tell you what the right decision for you is. No one here can break up with her for you, or say the magic words that will make you get over it.

 

So (and I'm not being sarcastic, I want to help if I can), what exactly is it that you're asking? What advice are you looking for that you haven't already received?

Looking for opinions really and thank you for yours.

 

What do you make of her not telling me her right age?

What do you think of her blanking me when she came over with her mam?

 

On a decision, I know I will have to make one at the end of the day.

[lora22]

Honestly, I hate drama in relationships, and in life in general. It'll just drive you crazy, drain your emotions, etc. - as it seems to be in your case. Therefore, I choose to not have it in my life - occasionally that means dumping someone, whether it's a bf or a friend.

 

What do I make of her not telling you her correct age?

She's a liar. I mean c'mon, why would anyone even lie about that? If she'd lie about something so incredibly dumb like that, why would she tell the truth about bigger things? Who knows why she did it? The point that concerns YOU is that she did = she's a liar. Does it really matter WHY she lied?

 

What do I make of her ignoring you instead of introducing you to her mom?

She's shady. She's a liar. Again, who knows why she didn't introduce you? It could be any number of reasons, and I don't see how any of them matter. Point is, she didn't introduce you.

 

I don't think you're going to break up with her, because you haven't yet, and because all your questions are about trying to understand WHY she does the things she does. I'm all about understanding people, their motivations, and so on, I think it's fascinating. But right now it seems to me that you're just trying to make excuses and justify what she does. The only person who can offer you the answers to your questions is your gf, and I find it highly unlikely that she will give them to you (at least not the real ones - she may not even know herself, and either way, it's pretty darn hard to own up to person failings and flaws sometimes).

 

Since you will never truly understand WHY, I think what you need to look at are her actions, which are lying and cheating (and yes I realize that some people disagree that making out with her "friend" is cheating).

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I think you're lying that it meant nothing. If you were my bf, I would dump you.

 

would you have dumped him if you had previously and recently cheated on him yourself?

[Dexter Morgan]

Letting aside what I did for a moment, was i crazy to give give my gf a second chance in the first place?

 

having been there, done that, and experienced the lousy character of cheaters, I can say without a doubt that YES.....when things like this happen, it is crazy for someone to want to keep a cheater.

 

 

It was stupid I admit what I did, told my gf I thought she'd hit me for it. I actually was guilty and was saying to her there was no excuse for what I did. My apology was far different to hers. She was like it was something stupid and was trying to laugh off the whole thing. She was like surprised I was bothered over it.

 

She lauged it off because she realized she is now, or should be, off the hook for cheating....not because she understood that it was something stupid.

[lora22]

would you have dumped him if you had previously and recently cheated on him yourself?

 

Touche. I see your point.

[james197]

having been there, done that, and experienced the lousy character of cheaters, I can say without a doubt that YES.....when things like this happen, it is crazy for someone to want to keep a cheater.

 

She lauged it off because she realized she is now, or should be, off the hook for cheating....not because she understood that it was something stupid.

 

She was trying to laugh it off when she came over to talk. It did look as if things would be finished. She left that night as we were not even talking. tt looked as if I would finish things with her.

 

What do you make of it yourself of:

 

When I met the girl, I told her I was 24, she said she was 23. Another time, she asked when my b'day was, I asked heer when was hers. I was like, oh right, you'll be turning 24 then as well, she was like yes. A few weeks later then she's inviting me along to herr 22nd b'day celebrations and knowing full well I though she was oldeer said nothing. I was going to say somehting before her b'day but thought surely she's say something about it herself. Raised the issue at a row after her b'day and she was saying she didn't know why she lied about her age, was to broach the subject but could not and just skirted around the issue.

 

One night, while out in a bar, before her b'day, she cam eover with her mother toward where her mates and I were, she toltally balanked me and walked by. Later in the night a mater of hers said I hadn't met her mother yet, she replied something liek should I introduce him. I was introduced then after that but it was a bit weird. I've raised that with her as well. She said she was nervous, she had come ovedr to introduce her mam to me but couldn't. Says she'd never introduced a fella to herr mam before.

[james197]

Thanks agian for offering your opinion, much appreciated.

 

What do I make of her not telling you her correct age?

She's a liar. I mean c'mon, why would anyone even lie about that? If she'd lie about something so incredibly dumb like that, why would she tell the truth about bigger things? Who knows why she did it? The point that concerns YOU is that she did = she's a liar. Does it really matter WHY she lied?

I'd let this slide in a way. I was older, she was eager in me and wanted to say that she was older. It is stupid though. She admitted she tried broaching the subject but couldn't and skirted around the issue.

 

What do I make of her ignoring you instead of introducing you to her mom?

She's shady. She's a liar. Again, who knows why she didn't introduce you? It could be any number of reasons, and I don't see how any of them matter. Point is, she didn't introduce you.

Think she got nervous and didn't mean it. She did, I'm fairly sure, bring her mam down to where I was but got nervous about the whole thing. Is crazy though, would not do anything like that.

I don't think you're going to break up with her, because you haven't yet, and because all your questions are about trying to understand WHY she does the things she does. I'm all about understanding people, their motivations, and so on, I think it's fascinating. But right now it seems to me that you're just trying to make excuses and justify what she does. The only person who can offer you the answers to your questions is your gf, and I find it highly unlikely that she will give them to you (at least not the real ones - she may not even know herself, and either way, it's pretty darn hard to own up to person failings and flaws sometimes).

I would have no hesitation breaking things off with someone if things are not right. I have not with this girl though.

One thing, I do believe she has strong feelings for me. Ye'd have to see it to believe it.

As I say after some of the arguments, she could easily have walked away and decided she wanted none of it but she has not. After the second major argument, I mean it was really bad and at each others throats, me at her more than anything, that really affected her. Really shook her up even. It was like her world was falling apart, she has strong feelings for me and she did not know what to do.

I felt, despite what she had done, after that argument, it might have been the honourable thing for me to walk away and leave the girl alone. I haven't though.

We actually had gone away together somewhere that weekend, there's a bit of a reluctance, but we'll ahve to head away somewhere again for time to be with each other only.

Since you will never truly understand WHY, I think what you need to look at are her actions, which are lying and cheating (and yes I realize that some people disagree that making out with her "friend" is cheating).

 

I know, I have to and I am. Thing I need to figure for myself is can I get over everything which has gone on and move on, I know it's the crux of everything.

 

Thank you once more and Dexter as well got good opinions/advice on what's gone on. Very much appreciated.